I am a nice person to know. Know Me. Know my Game. Muthabitch: Jill

Next up in Resident Evil: 101 we have Jill Valentine. Jill is a veteran to the Resident Evil series. She started off in the first Resident evil co-starting with Chris “I need two inventory spaces just for my penis” Redfield, and her performance dominated the series even to this day.

However what many people don’t know is how Jill became an Elite member of S.T.A.R.S: Jill, unlike Claire, came from a sensible house and grew up with loving parents and her brother Vincent. Although the family was close Jill has lost touch with Vincent, he moved to Midgar a few years ago and has recently “sold-out” to cater for emo-twat-game-fans. Jill started out in life unlocking things, anything she could get her hands on Doors, and… umm Locks. She then attended Lock school, excelling in all of her classes, she them moved on to Lock University where she studied for her “MLock” giving her the official title of “Master of Unlocking”.

Jill, realising that the money wasn’t great in the Unlocking Industry, then moved into modelling where she excelled at standing with one hand on a hip and tapping the opposite thigh with a handgun. Further to this she excelled at turning on the spot and creating the illusion of constantly running yet not moving as due to a door/wall being in the way. Jill travelled to many places, but she lucked out when she came to Racoon City…

Captain Wesker who had recently joined the Special Tactics And Rescue Service (S.T.A.R.S.) in raccoon city was getting a lot of pressure from his boss to increase the “diversity” in the company and so had to hire some females. Wesker had already scouted out Rebecca Chambers at a local Basketball court, but he needed some one else, someone more… capable. Wesker was at the Raccoon Fashion show, with his good friend “Ben”, on an “undercover” mission to infiltrate the Velvet Mafia. He spotted Jill and within hours she was hired and trained to make sex-noises whenever she is bitten, puked on, or has a dog jump at her. She excelled at this, she even secretly practiced the ultimate climax noise, if god-forbid she ever died.

Then “Wow, what a mansion”, “Chris’ Blood?”, “Jill sandwich?”, “This is Brad… Just get me a Sign”, “Barry and Jill together…”, “STUPID MO DISK”.

And then she quits S.T.A.R.S, bums around Racoon City, waiting for the Zombies to invade. However! In that time she has learned to do a quick turn around, and dodge zombies… Clever girl. She Runs about town, and the Police Station managing to somehow miss Leon and Claire fucking about in there. Nemesis follows her about for a while, but as it turns out he’s not that interested in her, because he’s actually after Alice (another genetically modified experiment) so Jill will do a lot more swearing, Carlos and Nicholai will die, add a blinged out gangsta, and Nemesis is actually a good-guy (Fuck you Hollywood, Fuck you right in the eyeball!)

Next up... Who knows?


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