An Ode to Spuddy (Penis)

Wow, one of our growing ranks of commentors (now we have a readership of 3!) has requested that is post this little poem I composed here. It was first published on my old blog. This new release also comes with a special author's comment at the end.

Oh Spuddy!
You are my first gun
You are my worst gun
It takes you three shots to blow up barrels
And with your negative zoom and miniscule crosshair
It is easier to no-scope
But you are always there for me
You're not like the other guns,
Drip feeding me ammo for lazy setpieces
I cannot collect too much ammo for you
Sometimes you have infinite ammo
And when I've spunked my grenades on peons
And used my automatic weapons on bigger guys
And I have to face a boss and I didn't save at the last checkpoint
There you are useless, small but reliable
Sometimes you have a silencer
Sometimes you have a semi-automatic mode
But I know, when I want to write rude words with bullet holes I can count on you,
The only permanent slot in my inventory

Authors Critique
This Ode is so powerful as to overwhelm. I was inspired to write this Ode by the recent trend of FPS giving you automatic weapons from the offset. Wielding the Spud-gun until you find your first "real" weapon (more often than not a shotgun) is a rite of passage. In FPS the spud is akin to rusty sword or traveller's clothes in RPG's. How peverse would it be if you started an RPG with a really good sword or your legendary armour? Very perverse indeed. I'd like to thank everyone for their supporting comments posted here. Hopefully my first book "Fucking whats the fucking point in running around in the grass for three days fighting frogs just so I'm a high enough level to beat this boss this isn't fun this game is gay I'm never going to play it again after this next go or maybe one more after that. Digital: A visceral response" will soon be picked up by a publisher who definitely spend all day perusing blogs in order to publish books. My friend used to work in Blackwell's and she said that there are scouts watching the internet all the time.


  1. Yeah... Its book writing time. or should we wait till we are more reconised?

  2. Anonymous09:45

    Recognised schmicognised

  3. Dr wo you, if you look you will see that Richie wrote 'reconised'.

    I think he means should we wait until they make a Ghost Recon game about us before publishing a book.

    Suggested names
    Ghost Recon: Day of the Tard
    Ghost Recon: Tastes like water but isn't water
    Ghost Recon: OMGWTF. Fag.
    Ghost Recon: No, no wait I'm just trying to do something.
    Ghost Recon: OMG I'm a woman
    Ghost Recon: X is go O is break, square is boost, triangle is look behind you R1 is fire R2 is secondary fire.....


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