The Future of Gaming

The “future of gaming” is the new "are games art" question of new games journalism. Every amateur hack is whining on about whether it should be graphics? (Sony Lies, Xbox Lies and Nintendo Statistics) User-created ipodcatowningsecondlifesanfransisconofightingflickrpishimadeafourtyfootmodel
ofmycatlisteningtoanipod? (Second Life) Or emotional storytelling (Ummm…)

Well Fuckward journos if you put your mac down for two seconds we here at That Guy’s will set you straight.

First of all games are inherently broken. Fix them please by following my easy recipe here.

Secondly, fuck-online play. Soooo many console games have a one player mode, no splitscreen mode and a hashed-out-deathmatch-only-crappy-level-online aspect to it.

Sure keep doing your MMORPGs but make fighting compulsory and let people ambush the guilds who endlessly hang around the hubs talking to each other.

Now, if you want to make the next thing in gaming, I’m going to give the recipe to you right here and now:

1) Take GTA San Andreas and strip out all the missions and eateries etc.

2) Make it online but also 1-4 player splitscreen offline or online. Also make it playable on link-up mode also.

3) Get rid of levelling up so that every player is on an equal footing and you don’t have to play millions of hours to start enjoying the meta game. If you want to inspire progression put some achievements in and have a leaderboard or something.

4) Here is where the magic is. So you have San Andreas with all its lovely settings and residents, and you have 100+ gamers milling around ready to play. What you do now is simply take the summons from the Final Fantasy games (for ease of imagery) and have them periodically attack the city. As a player you’d be hanging around all tooled up and then suddenly everyone gets a message on their screen “Bahamut has appeared” and an icon on their map. Imagine the thrill of being part of a hundred strong convoy of planes, bikes, lorries, cars and helicopters converging on the blinking icon all with the same aim, to be the one to finish off Bahamut (gay!).

5) Bahamut is hovering above San Fierro and as you get closer you can see Squadrons of jet fighters launch streams of missiles, some of which hitting their targets, Bahamut then picks up a nearby articulated lorry and throws it at one of the jets resulting in a mid air explosion. Other players drive their motorbikes of off buildings, jump from their bikes and land on Bahamut in acts of fearless bravado. Meanwhile, helicopters turn up gatling guns blazing. A nearby lorry with a trailer has ten people standing on the back firing RPGs into Bahamuts face. Then after countless player deaths Bahamut starts to fly into the air as a giant blue fireball gradually expand in front of his mouth (FF:AC anyone?). Seasoned players know that this is his (her?) special attack and turn to get as far away as possible. Noobs still fire into Bahamut from nearby buildings. Bahamut then reaches his highest point and releases a giant fireball into the ground. Players far away see the flame ball impact the ground, the screen flashes white and the game goes silent for seconds then a powerful shock wave sends players and vehicles flying in every direction as a crashing noise deafens the nearest players. Surviving players then scramble to find nearby vehicles and salvage the weapons of the dead and head back into the brawl. Eventually Bahamut is taken down. Individual players stats and a replay are then available for everyone to browse and awards a given for high amounts of damage inflicted, stunts, acts of suicidal madness. Players then have enough time to head back to base for a post mortem, weapon selection and vehicle tooling up before another message appears “Leviathan spotted off the coast”…………

6) The game could be made even better by making players choose one of four factions when they first start. Players then have to fight the latest monster that attacks San Andreas as well as sabotage other factions efforts and fight for resources when not on missions. A whole other sidegame could be fought between factions to secure a mega-weapon (think the Mega Tank from Advance Wars or a Battle Cruiser for sea battles) which can inflict high amounts of damage. These mega-weapons are by no means invincible to enemy faction fire and are painfully slow but if captured and deployed carefully they can turn the tide of a battle. The factions that take down the latest monster are awarded with rare weapons and vehicles as well as extra kudos.

7) The game developers that make this game should employ people to play as the monsters thus allowing intelligent action as well as unpredictable behaviour to keep players on their toes. For offline play AI will suffice due to the dramatically decreased number of hunters.

I only used Final Fantasy summons as an example for ease of reference rather than describe “a variety of large monsters”.

This game would be great because it encourages team play, tactics, innovative play (if you want to try to parachute out of a plane and chainsaw a monster through the head give it a shot!) as well as being a lot of fun. I couldn’t give a shit about realistic graphics look at WoW, glitchy shoulder blade articulation (as well as the comical planet sized cobbles in Stormwind).
You can make as many GTA clones as you want but most makers-of-True Crime-types just try to copy, it or copy it and add those other beloved staples of bullet time etc. But that is all we want a fun, cooperative, pick up and play, addictive game that lets you play other games if you want to.

There is obviously great potential for Resident Evil: San Andreas but that’s a musing for another post…………


  1. OK, some clarifications and modifications.

    When I said fuck online play I obviously didn't mean Xbox(es)live, the Nintendo DS or PCs.

    Also, instead of factions player can choose between characters that have appeared on Nintendo games, Sony games, Xbox&PC games or the multiformat sluts. Only one of each character can be on one side to prevent armies of Clouds, Sephiroths and Aerisese.
    Going back to my Leviathan example imagine four battlecruisers heading out to fight it. One of which carries Gordon Freeman, Master Chief four guys from Syndicate and a bunch of guys from Battlefield 2142. Another is carrying a tooled up Raichu, Mario, Luigi, Doshin the Giant and a variety of Pikmin. The PSX boat has Lara Croft, Tommy Vercetti, Crash Bandicoot and Harry Tipper. The fourth boat (lets call it the Sega boat) is carrying Sonic, Li Long, Some Lemmings and Dizzy the Egg. As all four of them cruise out to met Leviathan the boats are trading koopa shells, bullets and electric attacks. Suddenly a giant shadow appears under the Microsoft boat. Seconds later the giant form of a Metal Gear capsizes the craft as it bursts through the water only to be strafed by Banshees as Zapdos appears from the clouds and Zap Cannons it. Meanwhile Leviathan stirs up a tidal wave that heads towards the battling protagonists.


  2. All perfectly valid points! However actually getting it to work online ain't gonna happen, hence why WoW has the queues to get people to take down the "bahamuts". Trust me All you need is 40 reliable friends and that is WoW aside from the leveling and San Fierro.

    P.S. Less of the WoW-bitchiness! those are paving stones, not Cobbles!

  3. But it actually requires skills such as driving, aiming, jumping, beat em up fighting. So regardless of your favourite/best genre you can choose to be a driver, sniper, whatever. An inordinate ability to point and click is not neccessary or even useful.
    Maybe we could have a section of the game where players have to click on a moving icon or manage menus to earn resources for their faction to keep WoWers happy.

    I don't want to get personal but I saw you play Super Smash Brothers and frankly you've lost your console edge. I imagine in time you may even get rubbish at Garibaldi. As your friend I'm telling you now before it gets that far.

    All WoW and no skills makes Richie a one game boy.

    Also. No, these are paving stones.
    Those were definitely cobbles.

  4. Also your right it won't work because programmers are too busy wasting CPU memory on shiny hair, different ways to call other gamers gay on chat lines, preventing corpse humping and "crouch-jobs", slower bullet time, interactive barrels and 200 hour long cutscenes using only .... sentences.

    Tis a shame.

  5. Oh yeah, you checked your Garibaldi Scored recently?

  6. Richie, dude, take a blue herb. You are genuinely good at showoff on Garibaldi hands down.
    But have you actually beaten anyone at any other game, or in fact, level recently?

    Well there was that stirling effort on Super Smash Brothers as well as Guitar Hero, don't forget your amazing prowess at Timesplitters "virus boy". There is also the troubling affair of a certain girl beating you at Soul Caliber (unless you pull out the cheaty moves).

    P.S. How's your racing on Garibaldi? You know all the shortcuts. Oh, oh wait a minute. I. beat. you.

  7. Ok, Ok. I am the first to admit it My Console Gaming has suffered all due to WoW and one of these stupid social lives! Putting an end to that! However to clarify:

    Tricky: I ONLY play for Garibaldi Show-off, of which I consider to be the only reason to play it due to all the great times had on that, plus I don’t even own the game!

    Soul Calibur: I still beat her! Using perfectly legal moves, the conversation i was having was that Soul Calibur is a weird game as "Button Mashers" e.g. the Girl in question, can still win...

    Guitar Hero: I was beaten on my 2nd maybe 3rd attempt at playing whilst playing "Take me out" on Hard, I still didn’t have a clue as to how the game worked! bear in mind the girl had been playing it non-stop. Anyway it shall all be rectified I have purchased it and I intend to beat the living crap out of her at it, thus redeeming my pride and masculinity.

    Smash bros: I have no excuse, I own the fucking game, and havent really played it.

  8. Yay! Well done Richie. Admitting you have a problem is the first step.
    I was worried for a moment I though I had to bring out a certain Scottish-housemate administering some Dry Entry Anal Justice via at a certain Japanese monster collecting game.

    Fortunately, you saw the error of your ways.

  9. Anonymous13:48

    Boys, boys... you're upsetting each other. I'm sure you're both super at everything.
    Let me help clarify some issues that might be fuelling conflict: cunzy11 is a dick; richie is a god.
    I hope this helps.

  10. Listen ending this now... You are good at games, just don’t dis my prowess at games either I am a Gnats testicle hair away from Lvl 60 Mage (apparently one of the hardest classes to play in WoW) And I have put a lot of fucking time/effort into it! And STILL enjoying it!

  11. Well, well, well. Helloo Mrs. Fancy Pants.

    Has it come to this Richie? Asking your new friends to fight your arguments? Can't they see you have an addiction? Is my slayer too far gone to care?

    You right about one thing though, Anonymous; Richie is a dick, Cunzy11 is god.

  12. Hey I dont need any arguements I'm good at games that I like and keep me interested! There has been to many games out there that are weak and refusing to grab my interest! There has been like 2 recently (bar WoW) and thats it! And to be honest all that I am waiting for nowadays is Zelda: Twighlight Princess, Kingdom Hearts 2, and FF XII. But anyways this brings us round full circle, If these industry fucks decide to make soem good games then maybe i can beat this fuckwad at games!

  13. Yep, amen to that.
    I'm not saying that you aren't good at games. We all have bad days and most of it is leg pulling anyway. Besides we were a team on SSBM and we still got D.E.A.J from the Italian duo.

    Browsing the charts in GAME across all formats is very depressing. Expansion packs to MMORPGs galore for the PC.
    Generic shooter 12, Grand Clone Auto: Skag Whore and IFAF 2006: June Edition for the consoles. PSOne ports and 2D scrolling shooters for the PSP.
    Wacky novelity- five minute interest games for the DS.

    Give us us free!

  14. Anonymous13:24

    I like it - 'The future of gaming': a spiralling descent into a 733t skillz bitch-fight. Hang on, I'm sure there's an irony in one these crates...

  15. It is inevitable. Mr. Salsaman

  16. Has this happened yet?


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