WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS GOING ON- Part 3

Mr.Nintendo

What the fucking fuck are you up to. You are the penultimate offender on my list but you re the worse. Simply I tell you: If you hate European gamers soooo much then don’t bother at all. Just fuck off.
You re so bad that this genius has set up a site just to track how crap you are.

Let’s examine your naughtiness.
NES, SNES and N64. Okay these were alright despite the fact we only ended up with 30% of the games that came out in Japan and America but an impressive backlist nonetheless; Goldeneye, Super Mario everything, Killer Instinct, Zelda etc. (I say etc. but what I mean is that is it. Perfect Dark doesn’t count. It was terrible. It really was). You even managed to make Star Wars games good which was a first.

Gameboy. King of handhelds, can’t be faulted still going kinda. Awesome right on dudes.

Gamecube. This is where you stopped not giving a fuck about Europe and started actively hating it. The launch games came out two years after the console. Any original or good games didn’t get ported until maybe next week sometime. Multiplatform games came out months after the other platforms (Tomb Raider Legend? Did you even know they were doing it for the Gamecube?) You forgot to put it online and then forgot to make it play DVDs.
Then after what seemed like decades and decades of nothing, you got a momentum going Super Smash Brothers, Rogue Squadrons, Animal Crossing, Pikmin, Eternal Darkness, RESIDENT EVIL 4, Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles, Metroid Prime it was all go. It was all sexy. European Gamers said “What is this Gamecube is it new? No? But its exciting.” You can attach a gameboy advance to it? It was at this precise point when you decided to abandon it in Europe. Give up, bail out no more new games for you “We are working on a different product”. Poor Mario tried his hardest to keep us piqued Mario Party 7, Mario Strikers and Mario Golf Again. You could see in each new game he was tired. Tired of doing things he didn’t want to. “Can’t someone else help me out?” he asked “No” Mr.Nintendo said. “Luigi is still in the dog house for that mansion pish. We don’t have any other characters. Don’t worry though we’ve got another Zelda game coming out soon.”
Now, I can understand why European retailers have given up. I can sell a million copies of FIFA on the PS2 and Xbox why should I bother stocking it for the Gamecube when there hasn’t been an original Gamecube-only release now for months. In fact the big ass GAME in London has one bay, five shelves, in a corner, with all the games turned to face the wall in shame. HMV staff don’t even know what you are talking about if you ask where the gamecube games are.
They probably think Why should I stock Gamecube games at all? Check your local store, hardly any preowned cube games. Why? Is it because all the games are that good that no-one lets them go? No. Its because:
a)every Gamecube gamer only has 8 games, because there are only 8 games worth getting
b) they don’t want to abandon it especially since they snorted at their friends for getting a PS2, if they hold on then maybe, the Gamecube’s Halo or GTA will appear
c) Retailers can’t sell preowned gamecube games because all gamecube owners have the same 8 games
d) They don’t want to be seen in the game store trading in Gamecube games because the PS2 and Xbox gamers would laugh as they dance around smothering themselves with literally thousands of different games.
So you gave up on the Gamecube. Unless you count the recent 4/10 smash hit Odama. It’s got a microphone L and Twilight Princess, which is being shipped with free copies of Starcraft:Ghost, Final Fantasy , Sam and Max 2, G:Police 3 and the original Mother and Mother 2.

And then just as Nintendo fanboys were about to pour petrol on their SNES’s and look at pastures Sony or Microsoft the DS came out. Hallelulahs shouted fanboys and fangirls OMG! Said normal civilians Kinda looks good said all gamers. Then it was good again Mario went back to running and jumping and driving Karts with his pals, Nintendogs!, Advance Wars, new Wario Ware, other Mario Games, Little Animal Crossing. Even whacky Japanese games that us English speakers cannot possibly understand or play came out: Trauma Centre & Phoenix Wright. Blogs were buzzing with word that Nintendo was back. Then it happened again. At the height of the buzz you gave up. No more new games. DSLite? Oh thanks, brilliant, so now I can replay the 9 launch games I bought only on a snazzier machine. Then you stopped porting games, if you did you took ages. HOW MUCH LOCALISTION DOES ELECTROPLANKTON NEED? Seriously 6 months? WHAT WERE/ARE YOU DOING WITH IT FOR 6 FUCKING MONTHS? So now we are in the exact same position as the PSP and the Gamecube. Soon you’ll see the DS games areas get smaller, and smaller. RETAILERS ARE ALREADY GOING MAD, Chuff_72 reports that this GAME only stocks Trauma Centre. Shelves and shelves and shelves of one game. You’ve made them go mad like a polar bear in a small zoo just rocking backwards and forwards. Why have you given up? Oh of course the Wii.

CAN YOU SEE WHATS HAPPENING? It’s the worst way of keeping your market happy ever. Release console. Release 24 Mario games, a Metroid, the same Pokemon game, a Zelda. Then give up don’t send any more games. Release new console. THEN you have the testicular fortitude to tell us that you want to attract non-gamers? IT WON’T WORK YOU FUCKING FREAKS. Non gamers expect things like being able to buy goods regularly and continuously. They expect the objects they have to be useful for more than two months when you give up on them.
Don’t believe me? If you doubt this then look at your Playstation memory cards and game collection. More often than not you’ll have a large collection of games and never enough space on the 8 memory cards you own.
Now look at your Nintendo stuff. One medium sized plastic box which houses your cube, N64, SNES, NES and all the games you have for these systems. You only have one memory card and its less than half full.

So, the Wii. This time Nintendo have lost it. Rather than give up on it in 2 years time they’ve started by giving up on it before they even made it. No-one knows anything apart from the funny controller, Shigeru laughing maniacally on stage at the latest N64-quality tennis thing and the name, which, has already changed.
Cryptic adverts, a Rayman game and Super Smash Brothers Brawl is all anyone can even scrape together on the internet. But listen up shitheads there is no mystery it'll have 24 Mario Games, a Metroid Game, A Zelda and the same Pokemon game again. Will it be online? Backwards compatible? Sega downloads? GBA or DS compatibility? I DON’T GIVE A FLYING FUCK. WILL YOU ACTUALLY SUPPORT IT IN EUROPE THROUGHOUT IT’S LIFESPAN OR WILL YOU FUCK US UP THE ARSE AGAIN SO THAT IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO GET THE GAMES YOU WANT UNLESS YOU LIVE NEXT DOOR TO THE BIGGEST GAME SHOP IN THE WORLD AND GO IN ON THE LAUNCH DAY OF THAT PARTICULAR GAME SO YOU CAN BUY ONE OF THE 2 COPIES YOU BOTHERED TO SEND FROM JAPAN THAT TOOK YOU 18 MONTHS TO LOCALISE. Fucking Pricks.

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