That guy's a Maniac...

Even in the days of hype and over exposure where every screenshot, press release and 'leak' is vivisected and analysed there are still few moments in gaming that match the trepidation of loading up a game for the first time. Our personal ritual is to make sure there are no other distractions for the first spool up. The tea is brewed, the cat is fed, the phone is silenced, the meat is beat so that until we are prompted to press start our full attention is on the first impression of yet another new virtual world. Sometimes, the impression is a bad one, a misstep in the opening FMV, poor design or a hard to navigate menu dramatically drops the expectations. Sometimes games whisk you through the back door the first time you play dumping you straight into the game, a practice which we are always a bit suspicious about, for some people the mantle really does matter as much as the fireplace. Little King's Story had us completely charmed by the time we got to starting the game, the

It only took a year but we have finally added (a new copy BTW!) Little King's Story to the collection. We feel really bad for waiting so so long especially considering the tumultuous time that Cing has had recently. As much as we don't want to bang on about internet gaming peoples inane shouting versus real life gamers it does actually take a whole year on longer to purchase a game. We're old enough to have some disposable cash to feed the gaming bunny but finding the time to play them means it can be months of years before we pick up a title. The reason why we had left it so long because it got unanimously high ratings we assumed it would be easy to pick up when we eventually get round to it on our to play list. However, this title, widely considered to be one of the best for the Wii, isn't available through GAME online, let alone in stores and we saw a copy of it for £8 at the local supermarket* sandwiched between some of the vilest shovelware that many complain abou

DEFCON 2 is when we all stop banging on about "what happened to...." and start complaining that "they will ruin it" already. The Ace RPS has the link with the scoop but it looks like we're probably one step nearer to something Syndicate*. *Of course, here at Kotaku we tirelessly check all the sources we link to right back to the horse but if it turns out this is some kind of joke then I pity the fool who clearly has no understanding about words like "joke" or "humour". So it says here on your CV that you were the one who started the 2010 Syndicate joke? How does that joke go again? Oh. Yes. That isn't really a joke is it? That's just retarded. No you cannot have a job here and furthermore we'll see to it that you never work in this principality again!

Apparently some classy woman decided to tell the world about her tale of over active lady bits following a Wii fit session that just got too much for her one day. Amanda Flowers, 24 from Harpurhey fell off her Wii Fit board (presumably on her cunt) and has since developed persistent sexual arousal syndrome from a damaged nerve, or sticky twat for short. As a result of this Amanda Flowers, 24 from Harpuhney is aroused by the slightest of vibrations, from Mobile Phones & Food Processors to Omastar's Seismic Toss. Amanda Flowers, 24 from Hapurhey had these moving words to say: "It started as a twinge down below before surging through my body. Sometimes it built up into a trembling orgasm" "With no cure, I just have to try and control my passion by breathing deeply. Hopefully one day I'll find a superstud that can satisfy me" Well Amanda, 24 from Hapurhey, If you're ever at TGAM towers and not so large that a Wii Fit board can

It's the Escapist again with the headline: " Gears of War 3 Writer is Acclaimed Star Wars Novelist " In fact, make that a double oxymoron. As if Gears of War has writers and as if a Star Wars Novelist can be acclaimed.

 Here's what we know so far: New Weapons: Sawed off Double-Barrel Shotgun(awesome damage, slow reload), Pendulum Lancer (kick's like a bitch with a nasty blade for executions) 4 Player Online Campaign Co-op: Player 1 is Marcus, 2 is Dom, 3 Baird, 4 Cole Pulp Fictionesque intertwining plot: Players will command other squad's that merge the plot with Delta. Improved Regional filters for less laggy games: Hallefuckinglujah! Refined Cover system Possible squad command system (Rainbow 6 stylee???) Female characters/Tits: As our anonymous commenter points out, i neglected to mention that Anya makes an appearance in the trailer and will be a playable (presumably online) character. Whether there will be more tits announced later remains to be seen. Released April 2011: FML Đ

Yeah so the track list  was released for this title and we thought we'd do a review. Gameplay: Outstandingly innovative, the use of the guitar peripherals is revolutionary, never been seen befo........ Ahahahahahaha, sorry I just cant keep a straight blog face... So what do we expect with this new title?  Well its Rock Band yet again with a Green Day skin. o.0 The track list is... Duh... Green Day. They have a few tracks from Insomniac, Nimrod and Warning and the entire Dookie, American idiot and 21st Century Breakdown (+DLC). Wait... 21st Century Breakdown you ask? what is that? Well gentle reader it was Green Day's latest 'effort'... And it was: pants. pants with a frayed waistband. pants with a frayed waistband and brown smears. pants with a frayed waistband, brown smears, and spluff stains with the tag hanging out. pants with a frayed  waistband, brown smears, and someone else's spluff stains with a used tampon as a tag. S

Basically, keep it the same but have dual wielding then add a number 2 on the end.

Flashpoint™©® is a new communicative medium brought to you by the team behind the TTECNK, Underboob and microfanfics . Flashpoints are flashpoints of discussion on the hottest topics in video gaming today. Flashpoint one is all about the wang. WANGS IN GAMES Richie!: Before we start can I just make sure we're not talking cross purposes. This is about penis right? Cunzy1 1: Yes. This is not about all those people called Wang or with Wang as a surname. This is about the depiction of the schlong in video games. R: I am basically for them just because, you know there will be a designer who went through 4-7 years of uni just to end up programming foreskin physics. C: Let's hope there aren't any bugs in the foreskin.... physics. LAME R: LAME WANG JOKES ALREADY. C: Lame penis rendering jokes aside I'm against wangs in games because if video games with violence in them cause people to be violent then games with wangs in them.... R: Will make people Chinese? C: Racist and no. I

Monday morning, day off work, belly full of fire to write the shit out of video games. Alternatively, we could blog about Machoke's tits* Machoke and the Tits In the Pokemon Soul Silver/ Heart Gold sprite for Machoke, it appears there are some breasts. This is fine for female Machoke but it has been observed in the field on males. We think they are supposed to be pectoral muscles but they are a bit too bulgy and there is a definite cleavage. Also, they muffin-top over Machoke's belt suggesting they are more malleable like breasts than firm like muscles. Reasons for the Wabs on Machoke. There are a number of overlapping hypotheses about the appearance of bresticles on Machoke in Pokemon Soul Silver. Outside of deviant art Machoke has not had front shirt potatoes anywhere near so pendulous since the original Gold and Silver. You will notice that in the original Silver and Gold sprite there was even a glimpse of neathage, not observable in the new sprite. Perhaps, this new sprite

We're going to break one of our cardinal rules by recognising that Resident Evil Movies exist. Without fail they have all dissapointed (with the exception of does-it-really-count? Resident Evil 4D thing-a-ma-bob). Anyway, according to Capcom Urethra the producer of yet another dissapointment has the following to say: "I think if fans look at Resident Evil 5, they will know what is coming and what to expect in the movie" Does this mean we will see Sienna Guillory with mankey tits? We can only hope so. EXPLAINING THE JOKE To get the above tenuous image joke you need to: 1) Be aware that manky was a popular englishism that means gross or disgusting. 2) Have played Resident Evil 5 to the SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERs point where Chris and Nuda pull the gem off of Jill's chest exposing a manky hole in her cleavage. 3) Know that there is a Pokemon called Mankey. Even armed with the above information, expect no more than a silent inside laugh at best.

Cliff 'don't call me Cliffy B' Blezinski was due on 'Late night with Jimmy Fallon' (yeah we haven't heard of him either) last night to give some details on the latest unannounced offering from Epic Games, however had to cancel at the last minute, instead being replaced by the Canadian Pop singer Justin Bieber (seriously this Jimmy Fallon show is getting more appealing by the second) According to Cliffy B's Twitter account : " The truth of the matter is that we wanted to take a couple more days to polish what we're showing, Sorry all, appreciate your patience! " Will El Cliffster announce Gears of War 3, will it address our previous issues , will they announce some other Epic shooter or as his tweet suggests will he merely expose himself to Jimmy Fallon's audience? (literally dozens!) All these questions and more will be answered on Monday the 12th April when Cliffarooney is scheduled to appear. In case you were worried the rumou

We twatted this the other day but seeing as we have a spare 8 seconds instead of the spare 2 seconds it's another post! You lucky mugs. In the Gamerati circles video game culture striving for acceptance by the rest of the world is a popular subject. Many critics are eager to point out that we are already there. Sadly, film is, without warrant, still wholesale held in some higher regard as an art form. Even though most films are genuinely ridiculous or awful. A look at the box office over the last year though indicates that video games influence runs far and wide. Not necessarily for the better either. Non-fans of super heroes, zombies, aliens, werewolves or wizards have had three okayish films to watch in the last twelve months. Enough already. This was compounded on a recent trip to the movies when ever single trailer was either comic book sequel or strangely familiar . No More Heroes: The Movie God of War: The Movie* Heavy Rain** *Yeah okay, wh

We got a DSi XL from our favourite person in the world. It is a thing of beauty, an object d'art. The screens are huge and I can now check the internet from the toilet which, is pretty much living the dream. In addition, because the old DS touch screen was broken it now means that we can unlock those extra outfits on Project Rub, Spin that record in Resident Evil Deadly Silence and most importantly MATCH THE FACES! MATCH THE FACES, match the faces, match the faces, match the faces, match the faces, match the faces, match the faces, match the faces, match the faces, match the faces, match the faces, match the faces, match the faces, match the faces, match the faces, match the faces, match the faces, match the faces, match the faces, match the faces, match the faces, match the faces, match the faces, MATCH THE FACES, MATCH THE FACES, MATCH THE FACES, match the faces, match the faces, MATCH THE FACES! Match the faces, match the faces, match the faces, match the faces, match the faces

The ever reliable Pat over at videolamer recommended that we listen to Robert Ashley's podcast series A Life Well Wasted . Being the impressionable douche bags that we are and worried that mean men will steal our DS on the bus we duly downloaded it and listened to it on the commutes. We recommend that you do too (if you haven't already, we are late to the party). Forts . Initially, after the first two minutes I hated it. Hated the kooky music, hated the America-centric irrelevant commentary (you might as well be talking about American Football rather than EGM), and hated Robert Ashley's drawl- "Editor and host of an innnernet radio sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew". However, I stuck with it. And it is worth sticking with it. I feel embarrassed to qadmit it, but my first approach to this podcast was to approach it like I would a forum, or blog comment or Youtube video. Guard up, my view point vs yours, I know more than you, you forgot about game X or X

Play a Guitar hero or Rock band game from start to finish (or endless setlist etc) with the pokewalker strapped to your strumming wrist. (I got 12,000 for Guitar hero: Greatest hits). Love and Hey! I wonder how many steps your average wank would produce with this set-up? Richie X

From the Graudian article about tax breaks and umm acceptability of games comes the following comment from Mr Macabre: It doesn't help the industry in this country when British landmarks ARE used in games they threaten to sue! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Controversy_over_the_use_of_Manchester_Cathedral_in_Resistance What do you think will happen if they set GTA V in a replica London? Ooooh I don't know? Imagine if we set a GTA in London. What would we call that game? GTA London maybe? Is that what we might call it you fucking muggy cunt. Oh god and it would cause all kinds of controversy! Oh and to prove it, here is the wikipedia link you grade A moron. We might even be able to think of a number of shoddy GTA clones set in London if we thought a little bit harder but we're too busy firing off moronic thoughts into the internet site looking to pick up chicks. Mr Massivetwat is evidence enough that we don't want games to be acceptable in the same way that we don'

Recently, we were commissioned to review the impossibly cute Wiiware, My Pokemon Ranch. Needless to say, we jumped at the opportunity but we ended up with a couple of gigs worth of extra images that we sadly couldn't use so here's the b-roll. This is the official longest serving Pokemon, my starter on Sapphire. That was [Checks wikipedia and sighs] 'a number' of years ago now. This guy saw service in Sapphire, Fire Red, Colosseum and extensive duties in Diamond. Also saw action and one of the few mon not to perform abysmally in the Epic Clash . Needless to say he's earned the break on the farm. Yes, it is actually he of comic fame . Let's not pay too much attention it goes to his head. A shiny Crobat. I wonder why this image wasn't used? I played ten hours of Pokemon Channel and I all I got was this lousy Jirachi. Also, an early contender for the gayest screenshot of the year? I played 30 hours of Pokemon Colosseum and all I got was this lousy Ho-oh? The Ar

When it comes to Call of Duty, there are two types of people: People who've stuck with the series through all of the newer games, and people who haven't played a game since the original Windows version. The former have seen the series' gameplay tweaked to near-perfection since its original, less-than-balanced state (but have seen some truly odd new weapon designs), whereas the latter dig their heels in and steadfastly refuse to recognize that any Call of Duty exist beyond the original (or, in some cases, Call of Duty 3 before the Modern Warfares). Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2- a sequel to Call of Duty 4- is a game designed to bring these two people together. As far as this goal is concerned, they're a remarkable success. It feels odd to really review a Call of Duty game these days, because the core of the series remains essentially unchanged from the days of the original. As an army man in a world filled with foreigners from Eastern parts, you're given a new weapo

Its the countdown now! only a few more days till Heart Gold and Soul Silver get released. We are all sitting twiddling or thumbs in anticipation of the next addition to the series. Well, some of us, personally at Thatguys, we are frantically EVing a set of 4 pokemon to take us though the game (the other 2 slots will be filled with HM whores). Of course we cant actually tell each other the pokemon we are EVing, as well there is a good chance the ones we are leveling may be for our NEXT POKEMON TOURNAMENT! After last year's event (where I thrashed Cunzy!) we decided for our next tournament we would choose from one of the 17 types (though we vetoed Dragon, as I already had all of them). Harnessing the power of a random number generator, we were both assigned a type. We have to train and level 6 pokemon of the same type (though dual types are allowed i.e. a fire team would also be allowed fire/rock pokemon) and the same rules from before still count, no ubers, evasion clause etc.

Finally. Finally, we got the Wii online this weekend. Why the long wait? Well it's a combination of one part refusing to give in to having the internet in the house, two parts getting the internet requires phoning people and organising things and twenty parts I have problems with other people in online spaces . This last one is fairly debilitating much like my Valvitis but I get the shakes and some serious anxiety when I game online with other people. It is super exhilarating but also very nerve wracking. Anyway these issues were conquered. The internet was switched on and here's what I did next: Downloaded all the Wii channels from't Nintendo Shop. Having done this laborious task at least four times for friends who had no idea the Wii could even be "online" I was happy to do it for someone who might actually use the channels more than once in a lifetime. I appreciate that the news and weather channels might not be up everyone's street but there is nothing fi

Ok, I'm a bit of an Oblivion nut. It was the first real game on the 360 that i got lost in (and still do to this day) Richie then moved me on to Fallout 3 "It's oblivion with guns!!" and Ive gotta say I'm enjoying that universe and the seemingly endless, yet rich DLC (no horse armour here!) However I've always been a sucker for a more traditional fantasy setting, so when we heard from GDC about a new Dungeon Crawler from Bethesda with a 2 player Co-op focus i think i soiled myself slightly. So what is it? Well it's called Hunted: The Demon's Forge (Anyone else picturing the Chaos Sanctuary in Diablo 2?) and it's a third person, 2 player Co-op game based around 2 hero's, E'lara (think Amazon Bow and Arrowey type person) and Caddoc (Barbarian Tank type person with insanely big swords and grunts)  The co-op is restricted to online co-op (Richie you in?) as they wanted to 'maintain a level of detail'  There is also a Matc

Windows Phone 7 series Xbox Live integration Is this the future of handheld gaming? I hope not. I might be being shortsighted here but I really think there needs to be separate real estate for controls for any meaningful gaming. ( Tap Tap Revenge isn't meaningful) With Web browsing and scrolling through contacts, touch makes sense, you touch it once then view, with a game (short of a Guitarhero style rhythm game) you need to be able to view the screen and react quickly without smudging it up with your fat fingers. Bring back snake I say! However given the Xbox Live integration with achievements, there will no doubt be endless subpar titles purchased and played solely for boosting their penis compensating GamerScore. However, with that said if they make Diablo 2 on this sucker, with cheevos, I'm in!! Đ

At various points over the weekend this image from that Neogaf thread had us inappropriately laughing whilst just going along, or on the bus, or at two o clock in the morning in bed. Oh god, uploading it got me going again.

So here's 2130 words on the PS3. Merely a small slice of the moronic bleating everyone has had to put up with from PlayStation fanboys and hacks looking to make easy copy. Hopefully now blinkered addlepates will concede that there is no Sony wild card. This is their trump. They all played out. Goodnight! Shit Just Got Casual. The future is the PlayStation 3. This is not a video game machine, this is not a games game machine . The console is more into what I would call the toy market, because most of the Wii games I've enjoyed felt more like toys than like games. The PS3 is doing the same for games as the PS3: pushing the graphical envelope, but it’s also added a multimedia element to proceedings by coming with a Blu-ray player. We're not tailoring it to the hardcore or the casual, this is just a strictly better interface for the kind of games that we want to make At a recent interactive entertainment conference, Tal Kerret, Oberon Media chairman, pushed the issue that t

And we're done. We would have thought it was going to be a stiff competition but we've got a clear future-proof winner in early March. Outstanding. This is a screenshot/promotional material for a title called Sports Champions for the PlayStation Move. If the rest of the game is like this we can hardly wait. Before the confirmed announcement of PS Move there was a harmonious balance amongst factions of the gaming community. What the Wii lacked in pure power it more than made up for in gameplay and what the Xbox 360 and PS3 had in pure shininess made up for the lack in diversity of genres on offer, the lack of any decent software on the PS3, that whole Sixaxis sham, the constant slimlining and different versions nonsense, the incessant patching, the non starter of face capturing and the one by one release of launch titles which were tired and passe before they even launched four years too late. However, now that Wii Sports and Wii Fit have come to the PlayStation have the scales

So is this living? Is that what they meant by the Third place? The power of the PlayStation can cure cancer but can't deal with more than three kinds of cowboys? Even Dead Rising: Chop Til You Drop had more types of zombies. Oh Jesus Christ. AND it's appear to be either an on-rails shooter or a static shooter? Aren't they supposed to be bad? Holy shit. This game has to be free for it not to be widely condemned.

I am Jack's Complete Lack Of Surprise.

Yes! The Uk's third fourth favourite tolerated awards-ceremony-organiser people also do awards for video games. Badly . Let's take a butchers shall we? Initial impressions are, what are the criteria for being chosen? Like when is the cut-off point? How come Halo Wars and Flower is on there as well As Cod 2? Were they all released in a twelve month period of each other? Because where's Resident Evil 5 then? Who knows? Also, as RPS's Alec Meer points out Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz-o-rama. Actual most boring list of games ever. So vanilla. And also really? Best story Dragon Age: Origins really? Best strategy Halo Wars really? Why is left for Dead 2 all over that list? Why is Street Fighter IV the only Capcom game on there? In fact where are all the Wiiware, Indie and PC games? Even the Film BAFTAs have those boring foreign film awards. Where are all the good games? Since when was driving a sport? Oh and Dara O'Briain is the host. The TV guy who couldn't beat the Berser

Spring is almost upon us! But new seasons do not always bring good tidings. Ruminate us up like a Mofo Omastar. Not wanting to put too fine a point upon it but you were a bit of a dick Kabutops .

Diablo 3 wizard. Apparently looks like Russel Brand. I'm fed-up with dribs and drabs of Diablo 3 news! Early on last year there was a playable version of the game and evry few months they bring out concept art (Not actual in-game gfx) of characters. At this rate its gonna take years to release. Ok fair enough they are working on Starcraft 2, and WoW:  Cataclysm  Milking the cash cow. But all these little teases are not good for my health. And plus, at the back of the gaming communities head, we all know they might just pull a Starcraft: Ghost on us. And before we know it, it's just not been released.  Dear Blizzard, Do us a favour, please stop dangling the preverbial carrot, in the form of hypothetical character art, precious time is being wasted while you do this. We will all buy your game, just make sure it is out quickly! Think about it, there are people dying every day, and the chances that Diablo/Diablo 2 fans are dying getting higher and higher, given th