Incontinent Gay Nonces

Yes, those perverts at IGN, spurred on by creative juices and out of the box thinking are doing another Top 100. Let's hope they are doing the list by the rules. Let's check:

1) Don't ever mention Zelda or Metroid. FAILED. Number 78 is Link's Awakening. I suspect the top 30 will be littered with metroids and zeldas. Come on IGN sort it out.

2)When everyone least suspects it pull out a really shitty retro game to fuck off all the youg'ns. PASS! Number 70 is Tecmo Bowl for the GB and NES. Yes, that's right it is better than Wipeout, Goldeneye, Quake 2 and the original Resident Evil.

3) Ignore all PC games except the crappy Molyneux games that no one really played or enjoyed anyway. FAIL. They've gone for some other shit like Syndicate, Mech Warrior 2 and planetscape:Torment. Selling out.

4) Cram in as many "Great but underrated" games as possible. PASS. Hello! ICO.

5) Put at least one of the Final Fantasies, other than VII above VII in the list.PASS. Final Fantasy II is at 55. I suspect VI will be up there. VII by contrast is at 76.

6) If you are American, inexplicably put Madden at the top of your list. If you are English do the same with Championship Manager. TBC. Tricky to judge as they are only at 50 at the moment. However, Tecmo bowl and NHL 94 are already on the list. I suspect Madden will be high. Probably not top. Hopefully not top.

7) If you are talking about a game series always include the one before the most recent one released. PASS. There are a whole bunch of silly sequels and prequels there. Also, games released before December 2006 are not covered by this top 100 for "perspective". Fuck off you idle cunts. Pricks.

8) Lightly sprinkle your lists with only-in-Japan releases. FAIL. So far so good. But I suspect it's because IGN Australia are co authors of the list and they are all racist cunts.

9) Somehow, manage to put Killer7 on your list. FAIL. There's still scope for it yet though.

10) Put WoW on the list, unfairly much higher than Everquest even though both are worse than EVE Online which you should never have on your list in the first place. PASS. It's number 83 which should piss some people off.

So far IGN has 5/10 neccessary ingredients and conveniently they are halfway through the list. Lets see if they can get 10 and prove to us that they are the assholes we know them all to be. Not wanting to be beaten by the retards over at IGN. I pulled this "top ten" out of my arse this morning. It's entirely arbitary, contributes nothing to the greater world at large. The difference is that I KNOW THIS. I don't think IGN do.

Cunzy1 1's Top Ten Non lethal Weapons in Video Games.

10) Smoke Grenade Gears of War. Yes ultimately pointless. Often forgotten but used almost exclusively for the shame value of getting smoked just before you get executed. We love it.
9) Pants Vacuum Ape Escape 2001. Yes. The objective was to vacuum the pants off the naughty apes and put them in the washing machine. Winner.
8) "Paintbrush". Goldeneye. Despite many many hours of trying, this author could never get this to work. Don't pick up any other weapons or ammo. Pick up the sniper rifle and tap A twice. Then James would wield what was apparently a painbrush but was actually his arm on the wrong way around. According to the internet. You could actually do damage with it though but I wanted it on the list to show how L337 I am because I know obscure shit about a really popular game.
7) Persuadatron. Syndicate. Like Pikmin but with uzis.
6) Riot Shield. Red Faction. Well. You could do damage with it but fuck you. This is my list.
6a) Prod. Worms. Yes the ultimate in shame. Prodded off a cliff to death. Difficult to pull off though without messing it up.
5) 103 Pound Mightfish. World of Warcraft. See here for the low down.
4) Maeda's Gun. Parasite Eve. This gun did little to no damage for most of the game. On the 6th day though it kicked ass!
3) Oil Spill. Every Karting game ever. The little fella you drop to make karts behind you wobble a bit. It's true. Not really top ten material.
2) Head Masks Dead Rising. Coming in a variety of flavours, Frank could whack these on the heads of zombies rendering them both comical and useless.

1) Fire Extinguisher. Timesplitters. Yes the winner by far. The fire extinguisher was of little to no use, unless you were on fire, which was rarely. Great.
See. Pow!
That Guy's A Maniac: Helping to fill the internet with pointless shit.


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