We're applying for a job at Joystiq

They put out a call to all bloggers as they are looking for some weekend staff. So we thought we would apply. Why not? Well because Joystiq is a bit of an in joke for all gamers. And as with all great humour, you should never have to explain your own joke. So we're going to explain our own joke:

Joystiq is a site that has ambitions. It so desperately wants to be Kotaku that it regularly steals posts from it except the posts are never as good. Also, they have stolen a site design from the early 1990s and I think you'll agree that it looks like one of those sites you get when you accidentally type http://www.hotmaik.com/ or if you type "bored at work" into a web browser.

So here's the application and before you start it does look like we are a bit ghey for Kotaku. That's not neccessarily the case but they are the best place for regularly updated gaming news.

Dear Nintendo Blogger at Gmail
This here email is an answer to the ‘call for bloggers’. We’ll get straight to the point, we really like Nintendo, except for the dark years when they abandoned us and the Gamecube and then more recently when they stopped making games for the Wii. However, the DS is still alive and kicking so we’ll go on about that.

Here are the three sample posts as required for the application:

1) We're applying for a job at Joystiq
Basically, we just added this post to our sample posts. I'm not typing out again in full as it will get complicated. This was mostly added though because the job application was tagged "meta". I didn't know that people still used that as a tag.

2) A new Resident Evil DS?

Yes, yes there is but it isn't Resident Evil Deadly Silence, it's Resident Evil Douche Simulator! We have insider information from someone currently testing the game. You'll be able to douche some of your favourite characters from the series racing against the clock to 'fresh that fem'.

It was revealed to us that there will (surprise surprise) be unlockable characters. One of which is Zombie Female 3 from Resident Evil 2. Capco said:

"she has green and bloody Douche-juice"

Of course she does Cacpom. Of course she does. Expect to see it hit shelves in August and probably stay there for two days before being replaced with Sponge Bob Squarepants meets Catz: Barbie Princess Army Men.

3) New Wii Lunch Title Announced!

Today Nintendo announced WWi: Childbirth. The game, aimed at the female market, comes with a foetal attachment. Players then insert the controller, (umbilical chord) nunchuck and foetal attachment into the appropriate body cavity and then have to give birth within a time limit. On screen is a vaginal tearometer as well as an oxygen gauge for the baby. If the oxygen gauge reaches critical, players then have to wave the foetal attachment to get the baby to "wake up" or press the A button (ABORT) on the controller. If the vaginal tearometer reaches critical then players can attempt to stitch it up with a Wi-Fi connection to a special version of Trauma Center: Under the Knife.
The Foetus attachment comes in a range of colours to match the range of colours for the controller. Whether or not a blue version has been considered is unknown at this point.

This revolutionary game will give women who haven't yet had children an excuse to actually experience how painful childbirth is, to then invoke it as "The most painful thing a human being has to endure" to all males nearby. Also men can play it but with obvious biologically incorrect implementation.

Labels: ,

Published Works
Everything at http://www.thatguys.co.uk/ except for the bits we just ripped from UK:R and the posts that were inspired by Kotaku but hey! You guys know all about that.
Everything at Cunzy11’s Dinosaurs in games
Omastar Comics
All of this

A short bio
Here is our short bio, with a section after framed within the ‘requirements’ section you set on the application.

We are two UK women, Cunzy1 1 and Richie and we have been gaming together for years and blogging about games together for just over a year and a half. We originally started blogging because we were concerned that women gamers were massively discriminated against online, in magazines and even offline. However, every man, women and dog had jumped on that bandwagon and it turns out that all women wanted to say is “I’m a woman”. After that they didn’t really have anything else to add. Have you checked Guilded Lilies recently or what about Hellbound Angels they used to be good? Snooze-a-rama. So we set out doing our own thing and speaking for the common gamer without any of the pretentiousness of EDGE, the childlike Americanism of\Gamespot or the bare-faced plagiarism of Joystiq. Soon after that Cunzy1 1’s dinosaurs in game site split off and lately we have had renowned success as the authors of Omastar Comics, the 2700th most popular gaming webcomic in the world. Last year we scientifically proved that we are the second greatest videogame blog in the world so you might want to check that too, go here. Anyway, you need us more than you need to change your page formatting so do give us a shout. We don’t have anything to do at the weekend save for earning those last few bits in Advance Wars War Room, oh and getting the UFO bits in AC:WW and walking the Nintendogs, Brain Training and berry picking on Pokemon so we estimate we could do as many posts as kotaku do. Which, we guess is the answer you want right?

A real enthusiasm for and knowledge of the Nintendo Wii and DS.We have a real enthusiasm for and knowledge of the Nintendo Wii and DS. This can be highlighted by the number of posts we do at Thatguys.co.uk about the Wii and DS. To be honest, I don’t have too much of an enthusiasm for the Nintendo Wii because I don’t really like the Legend of Zelda and they haven’t released any other games yet. Still, I am sure that Super Smash Brothers Brawl is going to be good and Pokemon Battle Revolution should be fun for all of half an hour. As for the Nintendo DS I have every version of the Lite, including the Pikachu Yellow and the New Brain Training Cherry editions. The platform is really good and my enthusiasm is real.

A reliable connection to the internet (obviously!)We have this but short of sending you a photo of our computer online you’ll just have to take our word for it.

Solid, speedy writing skills and the ability to self-edit.
I have solid speedy writing skills and the ability to self-edit and as such if I were writing the application form I probably wouldn’t have said “self-edit” and then italicised it.

A willingness to commit time and effort to DS and Wii Fanboy. It is quite possible to take this on in addition to a full-time job or schoolwork, but it is definitely a commitment of time and effort.I have a willingness to commit both time and effort to DS and Wii fanboy. I work in games journalism as my real job so it really will be a seemless transition from writing real games news to writing for Joystiq.

Basic photo-editing skills.I have more than basic photo editing skills as can be seen from this picture, which, I made in 3 minutes flat. That was with an extended tea break.

A willingness to follow instructions and an understanding of teamwork.This is a poorly worded requirement. How are you going to test this in candidates. For example, we are willing to follow instructions and we understand teamwork. Is that good enough?

Lots of personality!How generic. We have lots of personality but I’ll tell you now sonny-jim that you have to try harder to show personality that put an exclamation mark at the end of your sentence. It’s like laughing at your own joke so just don’t do it in future. Okay? Oh, also someone typed lulz on the application page. I assume you’ve had some work experience kids in recently and they’ve been tampering with your site. You may want to fix this as it look embarrassing, especially when you are asking for people to work for you.


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