Randy McSporran

OK do you remember we used to do a regular feature called That Guy's A Maniac? No? Because we only did three in a year and a half. Anyway, it's the return of That Guy's A Maniac and this years maniac is Randy McSporran. Randy McSporran used to be both our housemates and was a cool guy but now he's getting married and stuff in Estonia, so his wedding is essentially a funeral for the man we used to know. He's all about commitment and changing himself now. I'm kinda worried about it because I still owe him £200, but I always remind him when I see him, so it doesn't count. He also pronounces else as "elts" and is the only person I know who was once on the True Man List but then he did something which meant he was taken off the True Man List and could never get back on. No one can remember what he did though but it was during University so it was probably something like he wouldn't go to the shop at 3 in the morning to buy munchies.

Anyway he is a great guy but won't be much longer and here are some interesting stories about him, some of which make him a maniac and others need to be preserved before we forget:

1) He once fell over into a puddle and went into a coma for a week. Everyone thinks it was because he was too lazy but he says he was just resting his eyes.
2) Instead of else he says "elts"
3) One time he was climbing over a fence and a spike on top of the fence went into his foot through his shoe. We watched it happen and it happened really slowly. There was blood.
4) If he puts things in his shirt pocket they vanish!
5) When playing Kingdom Hearts he would fight every single baddie!
6) He stabbed himself in the hand on the night of graduation ball, whilst dividng frozen beefburgers and had to go to hospital and miss the ball.
7) He was fired from KFC, twice kinda.
8) He was really scared one time in New Zealand because there was this bar for farmers and he didn't want to go in because of the 'bad men'.
9) He has seen Mr.Winky
10) He once played Shadow of Memories after some freaky biscuits and then was laughing hysterically saying "Blinky Bill" and "Breathy Bob". He then hid under his desk and wouldn't come out.
11) He is 100 years old, or "as old as the hills".
12) He once vomed in Richie's sink and it was really big bits of Cheese and bean toasties. Bigger than his mouth!
13) He would drink Black Velvet and Donkey's Knob which was £1.25 at the time.
14) He once played against Richie on Diablo II and killed him and stole all his weapons and armour.
15) He once fell onto a giant can of baked beans and the fork went up his arse. He then wee'd in the can and left it in the toilet for a fortnight.
16) He was a competitor in the "get the most flushes" game but lost
17)He tried to win vodka jellies at the Firkin quiz and fell down the stairs yelling, "DAAAAAAAAAAAAANCING QUUUUUUUUUEEN"
18) He once shot our friend Squid in the leg with a BB gun and then at another time hit her in the face with a matress.
19) In the Czech Republic he vomed in a bag and no one noticed.
20) When he first turned up at uni, he didnt have a place to live and smelled funny and wore a bandana.
21) He used to follow a certain girl with a meter stride, brooding behind her, in the hopes that one day she might give it up.
22) He blew his nose on his T-Shirt in the middle of a hideous night club and it was disgusting.
23) He used to rip the inside support to his hard hat out, place it on his head, the repeat the words, "Buy me an Ambulance" in a high pitched voice.
24) He was once married to a woman named Scott.
25) When he was younger his brother went into his room and found his stack of Gay Porn.
26) He was in the role-playing Society.
27) He was in the Sci-fi Society.
28) He put his scalpel in his bag for some dissection work later in university, however the scalpel, being as sharp as it was, had forced its way though the bag and managed to stab him in the leg.
29) He shot himself in the forehead with a BB gun, to which he then had to go to hospital and explain this to the nurses. To this day the crescent-shaped scar remains.
30) He fell down the stairs in a club managed to cut his face open.
31) He is also known as Thunderpiss.
32) He has a tattoo of the two "male" symbols intertwinned.
33) He once helped out his Lesbian flatmate, who was curious to know what "Dicking" felt like.
34) He de-flowered the local priests Daughter.
35) He once lost an apple. The apple, as it turns out, was stolen by the resident nymphomaniac with a skull infection. The Apple had been placed/forced into her anus whilst her current parner "dicked" her. Jason then ate the apple.
36) He is a Furby.
37) One night he drank a whole bottle of very cold Yazoo, then ate a Pot Noodle. He then threw it up, but was disturbed by the varying degrees of temperatures of the foods.
38) He was once very racist to the Larry haw security guard.
39) Once when travelling back from Nottingham in a car, he clearly hadn't washed, and his minge was stinking up the car.
40) Cunzy and I did his mum.


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