Resident Evil: Darkside Chronicles Unboxing and Review

Yes readers. Everyone is doing unboxing these days and pretending it is an interesting thing to do. So much like our Dead Rising unboxing we're going to go through the motions with the new Resident Evil Darkside Chronicles although this time in one big fat update rather than separate blogs for the box, disc and book and eventually game.
So we got Darkside Chronicles off the internet so no bag this time. But it did come in cellophane which is nice. Sometimes in GAME you buy a new game and it doesn't have the wrap which makes us sad. This time we know we're the first ones to see it outside of China as you might be able to make out from this image:

We got a new phone so you can see things better in this update. So the box looks good. It has shattered glass on it which is a theme throughout the game. A nice theme mind. Naturally, once you've seen the front you have to flip her over and pretend she is a boy:

Tasty, tasty and you've got to love the unprovable claim of MIND BLOWING GRAPHICS and it isn't as if you can't stick together to STAY ALIVE because it is a shooter. On rails. There is no splitting up by definition. Still. Whack it on the box ey! We are so desensitised to back of box lies and this is a prime example why. Ridiculous claims that appear to be aimed at exciting FIVE YEAR OLDS and "screenshots" mixed with artwork. Still we are not ones to judge a game by the back of the box. Next let's look at the spine:

Oh you mother fuckers. You did not. You did not. You may not be able to tell from the above screenshot, but instead of putting the title of the game in nice understated letters on the spine, in order for the box to nicely fit on the game shelf without looking like something the aforementioned FIVE YEAR OLDS would get excited about, what has happened is nothing short of a tragedy worse than starvation and or genocide. This game had to be different with bloody great letters with some kind of edgy survival font on it. This is shit. Here is how shit it looks on the shelf:

Nice job Capcom. You might be able to make out that this is "Way to ruin the shelf". It was bad enough coping with Umbrella Chronicles' confusing capitalisations or Resident Evil 4's metal box mucking up the PlayStation 2 section but this is the pits. Ugh. So angry. Why? Why do that? Anyway disc-art next before we commit suicide. Let's see if they have 'accidentally' printed it onto a platinum disc to ruin the look of the binder whilst we are at it.

Oh no, could be worse. You might be able to make out that the Jobs a good 'un. Not quite as good as Umbrella Chronicles mind. Now there is a disc. The logos are too busy and what the hell is that usk logo? Anyways, after spinegate this is acceptable. But what does the book look like?

They've gone for the classic technique of just using the box art for the book cover. Which is fair enough I guess. A tad disappointed but to be honest the spine thing is still dominating our "fucked off meter". Now for the biggest question. Is there a notes section in the book?

That is a negative! Instead of the time-honoured notes section there are adverts for the Capcom community using characters fromsome shit franchise and another ad for yet another Capcom shoddy wiimake. By the way this is the same Capcom that was sassing off over their mature titles not being bought by the gaming public as much as they wanted? Sassing off because people don't want to buy lazy ports of games they already have? Oh no! Poor little Capcom. Best replace the notes sections in books with adverts for said wiimakes then. That'll encourage sales.

I'll be honest, I haven't played all of it so expect a review down the line but within an hour or so of starting up I found something to delight and two things to annoy. Bad news first I am afraid:

TYPO in the first ten minutes. Who tested this? Fire them all, lazy bastards working minimum wage under the pretense that they will break into the industry. Ha! Not with a school boy error like this my under paid under appreciated friends.

Secondly, do I really want to see "wtf" in a Resident Evil file? The answer to this question is a short sharp and convincing no. Okay, sure the storyline in Resident Evil has never reached the heady heights of say, a direct line advert, but in previous games at least it was pretending not be a really poorly written fan fiction. Also, what kind of prick Sewer Manager; a)Keeps a diary at work b) Writes down "wtf" and c) Calls themselves Sewer Manager on their own diary. Anyway enough of dwelling on the bad. Here's the good:

I could go on about how all the reviews I have read so far have been uber lazy corner cutting cash in hand scribbles. But I won't. I could go on about how one reviewer complained that you had to shoot everything you saw which didn't make sense in terms of the characters and then didn't mention that at least in DC you don't have to do it to get a good score for the unlocks like you had to in Umbrella Chronicles. I could go on about how another review boo-hooed it because it "ruined the storyline" we all knew and loved from Resident Evil 2 by chopping bits about but also failed to mention that this has been happening in Resident Evils ever since Director's cut. I could mention how the levels set in the daylight look edgier than the editor of EDGE shaving the Mirror's edge logo into the sideburns of Tim Langdell with broken glass shards but I won't. All I will say is that there are ZOMBIE FUCKING PIRANHAS and that Resident Evil 6 will have to be fucking awesome to beat that.

Game of the year until Endless Ocean 2 comes out. 8/10


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