Next Gen Please
I'm sure I did a post like this before but couldn't find it in the tons of shit we put on the internet in our humble year and a bit at TGAM Towers (TGAM Small Bedsit would be more appropriate, one of those ones with a totally illegal kitchen cum bedroom-lounge, with no official arrangment with the landlord other than you gave them four grand when you first moved in and since then they have managed to avoid fixing the bathroom like they said they would when the 12 year old crack head in a suit that was your "estate agent" showed you round). Anyway we've been part of the 'next generation' of consoles for quite a while and they are totally fucking dissapointing, the short sightedness of developers and marketing people is absolutely fucking astonishing. Why won't someone, anyone do anything about it? Well I found this secret memo on the internet and I think it tells us all a tale or two:
1) Better graphics. Done 2007
2) Too many boxes and crates! Explore proper level design. Added note: let's postpone this and address it with next next gen. Designers are pulling their hair out over where to put coins, ammo and medi-kits.
3) Get rid of cheap non destructible backgrounds and objects. Everything should be interactive! Added note from Sony, we can do this! Check out our duck demo. Added note#2 Sony is looking for people to make games for the PS3 to fulfil this
4) Scrap all kinds of escort missions. Market research has shown that not a single gamer likes escorting a handicapped asthmatic blind retard through a warzone. Added note: Designers want this back in to this gen because there isn't anything to do in the levels between the on rails shooting bit and the bit where you split off in two paths which are really one path with a wall in between.
5) Stop relying on cut scenes to tell stories. Added note: Too many players are skipping cut scenes as it is! How are we supposed to tell out grandiose story through game play? Cut scenes made unskippable again 2007
6) Be engaging, innovative and emotionally moving with storylines. Added note from EDGE, sorry guys we were all excited about this in 2006. Turns out the new thing to be excited about is the DS so scrap this.
7) Sort AI out there should be no NPCs getting stuck on walls or running in circles or glitching through hedges in next gen games. Added note: We tried this and it didn't really make a difference. Plus the processing power for AI could be better used on lens flares and shiny surfaces. Scrap this
8) Let's try to really crack single screen co-operative play for consoles. Project Eden was good and Crystal chronicles was ok but there is so much more scope. Added note Microsoft: No one even remembers those games it's all about online now. In fact we're going to use our online figures as a way of saying we're better than Sony.
9) Let's not whore out endless sequels for successful franchises like Guitar Hero, SIngstar or Buzz. Added note: But real people play these games a lot. Also does an 80's version specifically aimed at those 20-30 somethings who aren't normally considered gamers count as a sequel?
10) No more patches ever. If it's so broken, don't fucking ship it at all. Added note: This is impossible we can't even get the games fully tested by testers in the ridiculously short production cycle deadlines we set ourselves. Scrap this.
11) Make all glass shatterable. Added note: Test with this showed that shattered background glass was 50% less aesthetic than really shiny motion blurred lens flared background glass so we're sticking to this. Also, how are people supposed to review our games from untested YouTube videos if all they can see is shattered glass everywhere?
12) Make sure that text size falls within all recommended Disability Discrimination Act suggested standards with or without HD Tvs. Added note by Capcom: Fuck off we'll do what we want especially as we're the only fuckers making consistently good games for all platforms. Fuck off Bungie with your one trick pony you cunts
13) Let's try to copy Halo and GTA less this gen. Added note: We did this! We've now got free-form sandbox games in the future, in the jungle and in mexico. Also, we've made Sci-Fi pubescent action shooters on Earth instead of on a Halo. One of them is even set in a church! Ha ha ha Fucking Christian noobs. We hate christianity ha ha aha ahahahah
14) Nintendo-Action Point. Let's sort out distribution to Europe and Australia and try to balance it so that there is a good game coming out for the Revolution every 1-2 months, let's not have another Gamecube, or N64 for that matter. Added note from Nintendo: Fuck you you europeans! Why do you always ban our child touching sims? We're going to make non games from now on.
15) Sort online play out. Stop all the shithead minority that ruin the experience for the rest, it's do able. Also, let's not rely on playing online or an online connection for support, profile saving or as an excuse for releasing a game with a really piss poor single player campaign. Added note: Market research has shown that insidious 12 year old americans have more access to disposable incomes than sensitive moms, middle aged dads and 'thinking gamers' and power through word of mouth on forums and message boards so we'll be making it easier for abuse with this gen of consoles.
16) Sony- Action Point. Players were really fucked off with spending hundreds of pounds on peripherals and accessories. Let's try to cut this down and earn money through selling top rated games this time! Update: Still on track July 2007!
17) Action Point for All. Let's just tell every company that wants to do a game tie-in with their latest derivative CG kids film to just fuck off unless they are planning on releasing a game that isn't some half arsed party game or a platform game a la Spyro the Dragon. Added note from Sony's accounting team: We're caving to these guys because although they do make shitty games, we're having some technical troubles with LAIR, Heavenly Sword and all our other games which were launch titles. At least these guys are putting stuff on shelves.
18) No more fire levels, ice worlds, warehouses, disused train stations or generic 'caves' to be used for levels. Let's spice it up a bit? Added note: Ok Kameo and Call of Duty were already in production but no more after that OK?
Three Years Ago
THINGS FOR NEXT GEN by games making people.1) Better graphics. Done 2007
2) Too many boxes and crates! Explore proper level design. Added note: let's postpone this and address it with next next gen. Designers are pulling their hair out over where to put coins, ammo and medi-kits.
3) Get rid of cheap non destructible backgrounds and objects. Everything should be interactive! Added note from Sony, we can do this! Check out our duck demo. Added note#2 Sony is looking for people to make games for the PS3 to fulfil this
4) Scrap all kinds of escort missions. Market research has shown that not a single gamer likes escorting a handicapped asthmatic blind retard through a warzone. Added note: Designers want this back in to this gen because there isn't anything to do in the levels between the on rails shooting bit and the bit where you split off in two paths which are really one path with a wall in between.
5) Stop relying on cut scenes to tell stories. Added note: Too many players are skipping cut scenes as it is! How are we supposed to tell out grandiose story through game play? Cut scenes made unskippable again 2007
6) Be engaging, innovative and emotionally moving with storylines. Added note from EDGE, sorry guys we were all excited about this in 2006. Turns out the new thing to be excited about is the DS so scrap this.
7) Sort AI out there should be no NPCs getting stuck on walls or running in circles or glitching through hedges in next gen games. Added note: We tried this and it didn't really make a difference. Plus the processing power for AI could be better used on lens flares and shiny surfaces. Scrap this
8) Let's try to really crack single screen co-operative play for consoles. Project Eden was good and Crystal chronicles was ok but there is so much more scope. Added note Microsoft: No one even remembers those games it's all about online now. In fact we're going to use our online figures as a way of saying we're better than Sony.
9) Let's not whore out endless sequels for successful franchises like Guitar Hero, SIngstar or Buzz. Added note: But real people play these games a lot. Also does an 80's version specifically aimed at those 20-30 somethings who aren't normally considered gamers count as a sequel?
10) No more patches ever. If it's so broken, don't fucking ship it at all. Added note: This is impossible we can't even get the games fully tested by testers in the ridiculously short production cycle deadlines we set ourselves. Scrap this.
11) Make all glass shatterable. Added note: Test with this showed that shattered background glass was 50% less aesthetic than really shiny motion blurred lens flared background glass so we're sticking to this. Also, how are people supposed to review our games from untested YouTube videos if all they can see is shattered glass everywhere?
12) Make sure that text size falls within all recommended Disability Discrimination Act suggested standards with or without HD Tvs. Added note by Capcom: Fuck off we'll do what we want especially as we're the only fuckers making consistently good games for all platforms. Fuck off Bungie with your one trick pony you cunts
13) Let's try to copy Halo and GTA less this gen. Added note: We did this! We've now got free-form sandbox games in the future, in the jungle and in mexico. Also, we've made Sci-Fi pubescent action shooters on Earth instead of on a Halo. One of them is even set in a church! Ha ha ha Fucking Christian noobs. We hate christianity ha ha aha ahahahah
14) Nintendo-Action Point. Let's sort out distribution to Europe and Australia and try to balance it so that there is a good game coming out for the Revolution every 1-2 months, let's not have another Gamecube, or N64 for that matter. Added note from Nintendo: Fuck you you europeans! Why do you always ban our child touching sims? We're going to make non games from now on.
15) Sort online play out. Stop all the shithead minority that ruin the experience for the rest, it's do able. Also, let's not rely on playing online or an online connection for support, profile saving or as an excuse for releasing a game with a really piss poor single player campaign. Added note: Market research has shown that insidious 12 year old americans have more access to disposable incomes than sensitive moms, middle aged dads and 'thinking gamers' and power through word of mouth on forums and message boards so we'll be making it easier for abuse with this gen of consoles.
16) Sony- Action Point. Players were really fucked off with spending hundreds of pounds on peripherals and accessories. Let's try to cut this down and earn money through selling top rated games this time! Update: Still on track July 2007!
17) Action Point for All. Let's just tell every company that wants to do a game tie-in with their latest derivative CG kids film to just fuck off unless they are planning on releasing a game that isn't some half arsed party game or a platform game a la Spyro the Dragon. Added note from Sony's accounting team: We're caving to these guys because although they do make shitty games, we're having some technical troubles with LAIR, Heavenly Sword and all our other games which were launch titles. At least these guys are putting stuff on shelves.
18) No more fire levels, ice worlds, warehouses, disused train stations or generic 'caves' to be used for levels. Let's spice it up a bit? Added note: Ok Kameo and Call of Duty were already in production but no more after that OK?
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