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Showing posts with the label cunts

Katamari: Re-roll. Gammon Review

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OMG! With Peaches Geldof and Gaming

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For reasons not entirely clear to me I was in the unfortunate position of watching OMG! With Peaches Geldof, Peaches Geldof's foray into the world of chat show TV which was not only destined to be canned as it rightly has been rumoured but is as awful as any sane person would imagine it to be.

Amongst other vapid non-issues which the do-nothing, Fergie(the former Royal not that woman from Third Rock From The Sun who now sings with the Black Eyed Peas)'s-offspring-look-alike tackled in the latest show was gaming addiction. Tackled, show and fuck it every word in that sentence should have " " around it. Refreshingly, and part of the reason why I fought off the urge to smash the remote into my face until either the TV went off or I went blind and deaf, a lady gamer was invited onto the show to talk about her gaming addiction.

The gamer whose name I forget was pitted against a guy, who represents the stereotype for internet gamers, in a couple of rounds of Left for Dead 2…

Ten Fucking Whats?

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You've all seen these:



The standard retail display for UK game sellers. There's a bunch of games, maybe organised alphabetically and then in pride of place a selection of 10 or 20 games next to some big numbers. This particular display was snapped at Currys/PC World/Tech Guys type store. You see them everywhere though, GAME, Gamestation, Toys'R'Us. This is the frontline of game retailing. The burning question is what the fuck is the reasoning behind the numbers? Is one better or worse than ten? Let's take a closer look at this particular display, snapped on the 13 December in detail.

At number 1 is Wii Party. Could it be top seller? Or maybe a new release?

At number 2 we have Just Dance and the Prince of Persia Wiimakes. Possibly top sellers still? Although I didn't think PoP did half as well as Just Dance. Nor was it half as fun.

In at number three we have the Force Unleashed 2?

Number 4 is both Mario and Sonic at the Winter Olympics and that classic game, Big F…

The New Review: Still no games?

Like all aspiring middle class people the only paper we buy is the Graudian and the Observer and every week we get a little bit angry that games are never covered in The Review supplement. That Travel and Sport get their whole own separate supplements is a bog post for another day. Like a lot of other gamers we're still waiting for an audible 'ding' to alert us to the fact that yes, games are now socially acceptable. If you so wished you too could hijack a dinner party/pub lunch with a boring lecture about games in the same way that it is acceptable for wine bores, travel bores and I've just popped a child bores to do. Even though games probably already are socially acceptable we're still waiting for the ding. The batman signal in the sky, the ironic t-shirt that becomes an unofficial trendy uniform, the endless historical documentaries on BBC4 or even our own OBE. Even more frustrating is that the Guardian do have a fairly decent crop of games writers who don'…

David Cameron and Silicon City. Wot no games?

Last week David Cameron was widely covered in the newspapers surrounding his ambition to create a Silicon City in East London. Although you might expect us to be excited about this it actually left us feeling a bit deflated and annoyed. Why, why is it time for a bulleted list? Yes yes it is.

Reasons Why David Cameron and Silicon City annoyed TGAM.
Video Games weren't mentioned at all in the coverage we read and we've just finished reading the excellent excellent Replay: the History of Video Games which is not just a damn fine book but it is so meticulously researched that we had revelation after revelation about how games came to be but also how games ended up being responsible for a great deal of the technological stuff that we now take for granted (including operating systems, twitter and facebook). To omit games seems a little bit short sighted when in fact we do have a good games industry in this country........Especially with the increasing frustration over the scrapping of…

Warning new term approaching: Kuntaku

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As some of our more diligent readers are aware we don't like Kotaku very much. For those of you who are not so diligent and here because you were linked here, these are the reasons we don't like it:

1. The colour scheme.
2. The half truths and rumours. The dodgy reporting and then reposting their own failed reporting as some kind of flaw in 'games journalism'.
3. The dross you have to sift through... Nobody cares (and if you do, you really need to rethink your priorities) about the latest maximum risky doll from a 10 year old jRPG.
4. Day/night note. We thought we killed it off but it has come back. Remember kids, you should buy Arcade Mania.
5. I have never laughed with Kotaku, only at it. To say it is devoid of genuine grown up humour is being overly generous.
6. It's too American. Way too much attention on tits. There are even better parts on a woman (hint:around the armpit and pantsu regions work well) and almost no talk of the wang despite 25% of their write…

Keith Vaz again (groan)

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Theif and MP Keith 'clueless' Vaz, having got over being ridiculed for various tedious and hyperbolic lambasting of games based on no evidence whatsoever once again gets in the Daily Mail off the back of "outrage" at a big game launch this time over Modern Warfare 2.

Read all abaaaaat it here "Outrage as new video game lets players kill civilians in terror attacks".

Bored, bored, bored. Surely Mr Vaz has more important things to be sorting out? Or maybe he could plough back all that money he skimmed from the tax payer into fixing Leicester before attacking games? Change the tune Vaz. You're so out of your depth once again. How about instead of knee jerking every time you want a bit of press coverage, you do some proper research into the non issues you soap box? God knows the UK government is so shit at supporting the games industry, to be even more damaging when you make moronic comments is insult to injury. Do you want to drive the games industry abro…

Killzone 2 Hands off review

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Man, do you remember Sentient? Jeez that was a pretty sweet game. They should totally update it and release it again that would be sweet. Oh dude, dude remember Colony Wars? That was ace. Someone should either bring colony wars back or make some kind of similar game. And freedom fighters! Whatever happened to freedom fighters? Hours of 4 player fun. And Project Eden! Fuck Left 4 Dead that was proper co-op.
And wipeout? Why is Wipeout 2097 better than Wipeout Pure. Oh and G-police. That whole universe was great. And Syndicate wars? Where's the new Syndicate wars or anything like it? That was awesome on the PlayStation. As was micro maniacs, crash team racing, mashed! Properly good games that still get played today.
Oh man killswitch was cool and the original Red Faction was amazing. Ico, Shadow of the Colossus, Dino Crisis 1 and 2. Kingdom Hearts, Dragon Quest, Burnout before it got ruined, PaRappa the Rapper, SSX FUCKING TRICKY, Timesplitters, Ring of Red, Beyond Good and Evil oh…

Public Service Notice 48

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This public service notice relates to the use of the term "facepalm". The use of such a term is increasing in forums, on blogs and on those motivational poster images. The users of the term may wish to rethink using it as it is only really used by american people who spend more than two hours a day watching cartoon network. Here are some suggested alternatives to use to impress fellow children on the internet:

Gosh that was really embarassing for that person.
Whoops.
Oh dear that was unfortunate that that thing happened to that guy and everyone saw it.

Please help make the internet a cleaner, more respectable place so that alien archaeologists don't have to shift through so much shit when trying to work out whether or not humanity was all that or not.

Steelseries World of Warcraft MMO Gaming mouse

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Right so I may have been outed as a bit of a WoWophile with my many characters and such. I usually play with the Belkin Nostromo N52, which is a great piece of hardware, nicely customisable and extremely functional.

So when the Steelseries WoW mouse with it's 15 mouse buttons was announced I have to admit I was straight in there with a pre-order. Which incidentally was pegged for a November 2008 release date (to coincide with the release of the latest expansion pack Wrath of the Lich King)



After over a few weeks of waiting on December 11th I get this in my email:

Arraywith kind regards,SteelSeries Order Support


Seriously that is all I got just the word "Array", so I reply:

Hi there,Not sure what 'Array' means, is the mouse now available?


They reply:

The demand for the World of Warcraft MMO Gaming Mouse has been much higherthan anticipated, even compared to our most optimistic forecasts. As aresult, the mouse is still delayed, despite our best efforts working aroundt…

Drawn by the Undertow

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Undertow as an apology… I don't accept it for 2 reasons:

First up… I was not EVER inspired by a fucking side scrolling shoot-em-up with memaids.

Secondly… What is the deal with the reviews it's getting? It seems all the Internet based games journalism has rated it the upper percentiles, yet the non-www media rates it as pish.



The user ratings are quite mixed too ranging form piss-poor to Awesome. Of course I should download it and review it myself properly. But fuck that, it have plenty of games for my 360 that I ACTUALLY want, rather than freebie pish.

I was one of the unfortunates who actually lost their gamer Tag in the ether as I "recovered" it a mates house, and since I couldn't recover it over the whole of Xmas I couldn't play my Xbox for the whole of Xmas. Undertow is a poor, poor apology.

Just a quick FYI to Micro$oft: When Blizzard fuck up, they give WoWers free days on their accounts, I would have been much happier with that since, in theory, I stil…

Kevin McCulloch on Tetris

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I know that they all probably assume they have better, much more important, urgent, timely, things to campaign on, but I sure would like to get their individual takes on the new video game that one company is marketing to fifteen year old boys.

It's called "Tetris" and it allows its players - universally male no doubt - to engage in the most realistic sex acts ever conceived. One can custom design the blocks into the images they wish to "engage" and then watch in crystal clear, LCD, 54 inch screen, HD clarity as the video game "blocks" hump in every form, format, multiple, gender-oriented possibility they can think of. Short ones in big holes, long ones in short holes, some blocks can fit into more than one hole at a time.

The objections to such filth should be simple to understand.

Starting with the disgusting idea that one can "create" their own versions of what blocks look like, removing warts, moles, and bald spots while enhancing - shal…

Help Wanted

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Please! There's been an accident and we need help from all comers. Gamers across the web, please unite. It seems that after all those close calls, depsite everyone's warnings, the people over at Terra Nova have finally FALLEN HEAD FIRST UP THEIR OWN ASSHOLE.

For those of you who don't know it Terra Nova is a blog about virtual worlds. Fair enough you might say. There's a few of those about. However, the problem with Terra Nova is that they take it way too seriously. The blog is written by various contributors who have tenuous job titles or tenuous connections to 'virtual worlds'. They only ever discuss Second Life, WoW, Guild Wars or EVE online. In addition there are a few crackpots who go on and on about MUDs. Anyway, so what you might say, you do a blog about old capcom games and sex toys. Yes. This is true. But we don't take ourselves so painfully serious and we don't make sweeping assumption about virtual worlds, catalysed by the matrix movies and…

Chuff_72 Speaks Yet Again: Assasin's Creed review

Yes, here at TGAM, we have lost the plot a bit. We don't actually play games anymore but we like to think we are characters in a Douglas Coupland book*. Fortunately, Chuff_72, our man on the street, does play games. Here are his thoughts on hyped to the max Assasin's Creed. SPOILER_O_RAMA

Dude, I rented Assassassassinssss Creed over the weekend and busted that bad boy right open - CAUTION, OPINION WITHIN MAY NOT BE OF THE POPULAR VARIETY.

First off, I DO like this game, it is fun and looks pretty. However, it is also, misleading, rushed, boring, repetitive, annoying and overrated.

Fun. I finished this game and enjoyed it, I liked the story and the characters, I thought the future elements were nice and especially that you are a Bartender called Desmond (Spoiler?), though very divisive (this game is basically a setup for a new franchise, even EA would be ashamed of the obviousness of this) and the game felt cool to play, it does a good job of making you feel like a badass (except …

Homophobes

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Although we all try our best to be inclusive, some gaming websites just can't handle the gays or women. Imagine my disgust at seeing this this morning:

For those of you who can't read or don't want to click the above image, essentially I was banned from Kotaku before I'd even had a chance to shine. For those of you who don't know it, Kotaku is a website on the internet that has lots of news about games, it's what Joystiq is trying to be . It was going to be the platform from which we launched BRAND TGAM!
But it's ok, I won't cry too hard because as fate would have it I already voted for one of the co-editors, Brian Ashcraft as Games Writer Twat of 2007 in the RAM RAIDER Awards 2007. How do you like that Brian? Imagine the dissapointment on the spunk filled rubber faces of your "family" when they hear you won that award from the only decent, respectable, industry recognised games award ceremony.
Unfortunately, I think I reffered to him as Bri…