It's Official: Cunzy1 1 no longer a gamer

It's true. I recently bought ONM (for the free gifts of course) and the free gift was crap. A keyring made out of hideous cheap-off-the-market-for-a-quid-"lego"-plastic so I decided to get my money's worth I'd actually try to read the magazine.

It was hideous. The writing is by four year old never heard ofs who desperately try to sound like they don't have to give all the games above average marks. Anyway, this is besides the point. They had an article on the hot 100, trying to convince Nintendo fans that there was a reason they have a Wii other than to play Wii Play and Wii Sports or Wario Ware (Zelda can just fuck off). And what games was I interested in? Was it Pokemon Battle Revolution? Well a bit but everyone knows it's just an expensive husk of a game. Was it Mario Galaxy? No. I don't particularly like space as a setting for things and it just brings back memories of playing Super Mario 64 which is sometimes a good thing but sometimes bad too. No the game that really grabbed my attention was Endless Ocean (Forever Blue in Japan). It's a dive em' up where essentially you explore the sea and snap photos of fish, sponges and corals.

I even went to the official site and watched all the videos with the dreamy music and the steady air tank noises. I actually can't wait. Those of you scrolling down the page to see the bit where I stop being too sarcastic and blame Nintendo for the death of true gaming will be dissapointed. I just want to buy this game and spend my weekends floating in the ocean exploring the virtual ecosystems and photoing a host of organisms.

Which brings me back to the title of this post. I don't think I'm a gamer anymore. I can't be bothered with Killzone or Bioshock. Just looking at videos and screenshots makes me feel nervous of all the effort and violence and fighting to get from the start to the end. And watching Spore videos makes me feel so tired. The amount of hours and tailoring it's going to take to get from single cell organism to inter galactic explorer is going to be phenomenal. I couldn't even manage a Sims house and get everyone to work on time let alone get a whole civilisation going. Racing games have essentially all been the same since Destrcution Derby. I don't want to see real cars going round tracks over and over again. Etc. etc. for all other game genres. I don't want time trials or time limits or boss battles or trophies, stars, coins or gems to collect. I don't want to save princesses or the world for that matter.

So there we have it. Nintendo killed Cunzy1 1 with your pacifist games and putting the fun into things and all your games with no endings. I'll just spend the rest of my life playing Pokemon (not a game in many senses, more like stamp collecting and modifying), Brain Training (not a game for many reasons), Animal Crossing (not a game) and hopefully Endless Ocean.


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