Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Griefing first originated in games where you could directly affect other players. For me and the Catch The Monkey And Other Games B69 (the name given to the merry band of gamers that I used to play with) peeps the first precursors to griefing behaviour could be found in Micro Machines on the Mega Drive.
A well timed nudge before a jump or on a thin walkway would send the other player spiralling to doom. Remember this is a Micro Machines before weapons and powerups. Then strategies would start to develop to counter act nudging. The classic braking before someone goes to nudge you means that they end up facing the other way and you can race off for the win. No doubt other gamers have different landmarks but for me this was the first instance of in game behaviour that was contrary to the main objective of the game, to race to the edge of the screen; underhand tactics.
The next phase in the history of griefing is friendly fire in co-operative games. One press of a button would change a cooperative mission into an all out deathmatch. I site hours of split screen co-op Doom. I would spend hours with Chuff_72 in a deathmatch of our own making. Many other games allowed friendly fire which would, temporarily, shift the emphasis of the game to beating the other player rather than complete the level or dungeon until one or either players get bored and then progress would continue as 'normal'.
Then as games allowed more complex interactions between avatars; chatting, fighting and emoting griefing behaviour also evolved. Much of the griefing behaviour that is complained about in news articles, blogs and forums simply falls under harassment. Rude remarks and lewd avatar poses are the kinds of things that people complain about but as one famous griefer commented "This is low level shit". It's no-brainer behaviour just setting out to abuse other players. This kind of griefing has a high profile and many companies and individuals work hard to prevent it by banning or reputation systems. Why do they do it? Well, because it's fun. Regardless of whether you think it is or not, GRIEFERS GET PLEASURE from seeing you squirm or flail or try to get indignant.
Griefers often know a game inside and out and they are bored by the game. Raiding, instancing, grinding are for the most part dull. Aggravating other players on the contrary is fun. Often because victims are so helpless. Retorts like "You are so Immature" or "Go back to your Mom's basement" (an American retort) pleases griefers. They have offended you in game and all you can manage is a parent like criticism, a plea to courtesy or respect will get you nowhere. Other than attempts at reasoning what are you going to do? What are you going to do to stop them? Nothing. You can't and even if you could they know the game better than you. They'll see what you are trying to do and outwit you again and again and again and when you are most insulted you start to insult back and then you've lost. By stooping to their level when at first you accused them of being immature you have lost. They have made you become what you object to the most. Your best bet is to run away or ignore them. There is no adaptive strategy like in our Micro Machines or Doom examples. You can't fight back (unless you are PvP'ing) and any reasoning through text chat excites the griefers more.
In my view, Camping, Spawncamping and other behaviours which are seen to not be "in the spirit of the game" aren't griefing behaviours. As a player individual, or a player as part of a team you can come up with a strategy of play to take down a camper. Taking out campers as part of a team, for me, is when play is at it's best. You have to empathise with the sniper or whatever. What are they expecting you to do? Can you distract them or put them off at all? I've seen a tank and two ghosts taken out by a sniper and I've seen Battle Grounds in WoW where the Horde continue to wipe out the Alliance because they were uncoordinated. It's griefing that you can do something about. You can't blame people for playing the game how it's supposed to be played. So shut up complaining or go back to the one player campaign. Yes, it isn't fun getting rinsed. I've had experiences on Gears of War, Tribes and Quake when a team of semi pros suddenly joins a game and they are good. They take you out with clinical precision and don't bother with corpse humping or other such behaviour. They're too professional. I know it sucks to lose but when you eventually take them out it feels good. Like I say. NOT GRIEFING.
The next level of griefing is one that involves more creativity and gets respect in the same way that hackers seem to get respect for breaking a code or system. This is system wide or game wide griefing. It is often ingenious, time consuming and well recorded. Examples are shootings and atomic bombs in second life, The Great Scam in EVE ONLINE, giant prostitute pictures at the Second Life Big Brother Bash, Crashing an in-game funeral in WoW and Floating Penises in Second Life during a CNET interview with Anshe Chung. I'm sure there are more but this is just a selection. This kind of griefing is a step up from mere insults or lewdness. It's using the games systems and players personas to cause widespread chaos and to generally seek attention. But again, what are you going to do about it? Many of the above examples are from Second Life and it's because there is so much freedom that these things happen. Whether or not the Great Scam in EVE Online is real or not, I can't say but it's another example of people playing the game. So what to do?
In the future I'd like to see vigilante, or counter griefer, groups appear. You don't see the good or the great gamers getting griefed, they're too good. The griefing in World of Warcraft is allowed to happen because people want to be nice to each other and not be forced to fight. The game is called World of Warcraft but yet on some servers you can't even beat up any ne'erdowells. Another point is that ultimately griefing is boring. Youtube 'griefing' to get the view of those doing the griefing in WoW, Second Life, EverySource game. It's boring, often mind numbingly dull yet they do it relentlessly. The more inventive griefers go to a lot of pains to find glitches or exploits in skills, tech trees or trades only to use them too much in one day and get the behaviour or the exploit fixed or blocked soon after. They are willing to invest a lot of time and effort for sometimes a few hours of 'fun'.
All in all I think it's fascinating and as a gamer I like to relate to my avatar. If I start to get grief I want to think or react my way out of it. I don't want to run to the message boards or GM's and complain. Also a griefer on your side can be a great anti-grief deterrent so maybe reacting out of hand straight away isn't the way to avoid grief. It probably attracts it.
Thinking and ranting, thinking and ranting. If you aren't convinced by that then just go here
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
This follows a number of actual frags caused by Marine34 which has forced Chuff to hide behind one of the sofas on the first floor of the Mansion map.
Chuff_72 was called a "Pokeyman" on Gears of War by Marine34 late last night on a round in The Mansion level in online multiplayer. Chuff_72 is now refusing to leave his hiding place behind a sofa on the first floor. "I'm afraid to leave cover. In the chat in the menu screen he was pretty adamant that he was going to 'smoke me and then hump my corpse' he has done it to me before on other levels" Chuff said from his cover earlier today.
He has called for Dr Wo 69 to "Get upstairs and cover me".
Whilst fighting in Gears of War is common Chuff is convinced that Marine34 is stalking him because he repeatedly tagged Marine 34 with smoke grenades which in competitive play is seen by some players as a bit off or overly cheeky.
"I have cancelled all of our team plans. I am afraid to leave my sofa, I will never feel the same. I will never be the same," he said over Xbox headsets.
Dr Wo 69, real life Dr and sometimes Maniac was unavailable for comment. It is thought that he is "outside somewhere in the ruins".
*In all seriousness, the 'sexual harassment panda' seems to be back in the blogosphere (....ugh) again, see the post title link. Now what happens in the blogosphere concerns me little but in gaming it is pretty horrible. From my own experience it seems to be Americans (who seem to appear on XBLive at about 2am in the morning) that are the worst. They sound like mutant girls and are just downright offensive to some of the female maniacs but embarassingly so. One moron said "If you wuz a pokeyman you'd be a Lickitung" and then continued the audible-only-to-dogs tirade. The fact that he couldn't play for shit didn't seem to matter either, like the proverbial pig, he was happy in his shit. There was a fantastic report done by someone who played advertising that they were female in a serious of MMORPGs and Online FPS. It's just nasty. Unfortunately, I lost the link. The problem is there is no beating them. They like to be ignored and they love to be responded to but there is no fighting irrational thought. The best way is to play them out of the game. They get bored of watching the game after getting taken out so often that they log off. Of course this doesn't help newbies or people playing on their own but sometimes it helps to just turn off the headset or join another game. The fact that you shouldn't have to is a different matter. I don't see how this issue is going to get fixed either, protests, silences and naming and shaming don't help. Perhaps some kind of in game enforcement would be good. Rather than banning just an automated avatar that hunts and wipes out any griefers. Sin Bins have kind of worked in Second Life and other MMORPGs. But when we are talking about thousands of different games and millions of players that does start to get tricky.
Interestingly 80% of people who play mobile phone games at least once a day do not consider themselves gamers (this is more than I play games!). Compare that to 10% of console gamers and a whopping 64% of PC gamers surveyed.
Of the console (including DS, GBA and PSP) gamers 22% consider themselves 'hardcore gamers', but no definition of hardcore was given. 56% of them were in a relationship, 30% of them in a long term relationship (5+ years). The average age of a console gamer is 29 and there is an almost 50-50 split between the sexes. The favourite genre of games were puzzle games, life sims and 'adventure' games (some of these titles are a bit vague). 70% of console gamers play together, both co-operatively and against each other with family and friends.
Of PC gamers only 12% consider themselves 'hardcore'. Only 30% of them were in a relationship, 20% of them long term. The average age was slightly higher at 35 and there are 60-40 split female, male respectively. 13% of PC gamers confessed to playing in their underwear. Significantly 80% of the people who play MMORPGs were lonely ex-goth, bitter homosexuals or people who describe themselves as a 'try-hard' at school. 70% of MMORPG players had thought about suicide but only 2% of them had actually committed suicide. 98% of them have cats and 70% of them have a blog. Interestingly, all of them were above 27 and 23% of them stated 'griefing' as one of the main reasons they play MMORPGs, 65% stated 'cyber-sex' as their main reason for playing MMORPGs, 7% because they thought the platforms were 'very arty' and 4% play to earn an income. 78% of PC gamers play alone. So very alone.
In a pitted arena console gamers managed to massacre all of the PC gamers with only 50% loss in a record time of 25 minutes, 43 seconds. Many of the PC gamers took of their clothes and refused to fight quoting the naked protests of Azeroth as an example of how protests can work. Clearly they confused virtual situations with real life. The survivors were pitted against each other and it appears that Nintendo fans are the most effective in combat however Sony fans were the most babaric using corpses of others as makeshift weapons.
Overall console gamers showed a significant tendency towards generally being content and happy in their lives. This trend was also observed in the PC gamers who play CS or WoW. Bizarrely 100% of Second Lifers complained of depression, being bullied at school, being of a minority group, general feelings of inadequacy, that they considered themselves to be nerdy, that society owes them something because they are individual or different, that 'no-one understands them', why should love between adults and children be forbidden and that they were probably going to give up Second Life soon. 100%!
Very interesting and telling in some respects. What do you think read.... Richie?
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Hey JT, go fuck yourself
Friday, March 23, 2007
Yeah. Yeah we're hypocrites. Not so long ago we used to call the Xbox 360 the Gaybox 360 (back in our homophobic days but, like all my friends are gay so whatever) and we used to call the Wii the StupidNintendoNoReleasesInEurope-Machine. We still call the Wii the StupidNintendoNoReleasesInEurope-Machine but that's besides the point. Now we are widely perceived by the mass readership as Sony-haters. Well, Mr. I don't particularly like or hate Sony in the same way that I don't love or hate Rowntrees, Oxo or YKK (the zip brand. I fucking hate YKK as a first name and I hate people who call zips, zippers).
Anyway,here we cum buckets for Sony and this is why:
1) Timesplitters and Timesplitters 2. (Yeah but the GameCube..NOPE)
2) GTA (Yeah but the Xbox...FUCK OFF)
Here is TEN reasons why you should buy a PS3, right now:
1) Because you are a bender (robot not rear gunner).
2) To go down in history as the 5th person to buy a PS3 in the world.
3) To prop up your TV.
4) To tie to someone's leg so they sink properly.
5) To live in.
6) To keep your PS2, DvD player and old multitaps in use.
7) To piss off hippies.
8) To make PC owners unhappy.
9) As an easy way to go bankrupt.
10) To play NHL2K7.
I could go on but I daren't.
In other news:
- Nintendo announce negative 20 more games for the Wii bringing the total number of games up to -2.
Another Pinball Game, Poor Man's Brain Age and a Bomberman Game released for the DS.
- Richie in shock 4 post bonanza. Scientists 'clueless'.
- Ms. Bea Havin from 1990s Playstation Pro Magazine gets more than her two usual commentors on a post! Meanwhile TGAM readership soars to almost double figures!
- Hellbound Angels announced officially as missing presumed AFK. Although we had our differences I'll miss Jenny, Tara and Kevin. May you RP in Heaven.
- Cunzy1 1 still playing Paraworld and taking screenshots and inserting them indiscriminantly into TGAM posts whilst shamelessly advertising his own half completed Dinosaur in Games Blog.
Wow! With all this exciting news, Sony chose a really bad day to launch.
Dude, pretty funny, apparently the Dr (Dr Wo 69) had 22 peeps eager for The Grill (the box, the blockhaus, the PS3) at his store at midnight, pretty good considering the area! But in a strange twist of launch logic Sony has over supplied, by a lot! Of the 25 pre orders, Sony saw fit to send 80 consoles! I mean yes, you could have one hell of a barbacque, but seriously, 80! Their storage room is packed, how long is it gonna take to shift that many Big Black Bricks?
On the way to work I first stopped in The Game, first thing I heard was the manager saying "can't believe I got up a 4.30 for this..." It's bargains gallore, there's a selection of games that you can get for only £35 if you buy a console and HMV are giving away FREE copies of Virtua Tennis (which costs £50 on PS3 and £40 on 360, uh pretty sure it's the same game, and the same "gen", but with PS3 you get a yet to be demonstrated in Europe online structure). Oh it's worth saying too that there were NO queues, seriously, I swear Game and HMV were actually quieter than usual. I'll report back at midday...
Oh yeah, how funny is it that Microsoft have made zero effort to derail the launch, what games were released to coinside with the PS3? Virtua Tennis, that's it, oh and I guess Ghost Recon 2 has only been out a couple weeks ago. Love it!
It looks like the PSP and the PS3 have gone the way of barcode battlers already! Except barcode battlers was good.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Darkstalkers was Capcom's risqué monster beat-em-up. It was always 2D and featured some rather fun unique and crazy characters. I don't wanna go into too much detail as I have a link to a much better site explaining it all, suffice it I'm all nostalgic about it and gutted I cant play it (unless I buy a PSP and a copy of a crap rendition of it) So how about some pictures of the birds from the games:
First up we have Felicia, she's half woman-half cat
Next up we have Morrigan, look she's part bat, part woman and has big tits, we love Morrigan here at That guys, she's special.
Finally we have Lilith she's similar to Morrigan but has smaller tits, and frequently is seen pictured with Morrigan in erotic pseudo-lesbian poses.
Anyways check out this link here for a full and comprehensive darkstalkers fansite.
And also I like those above images so much that I had to do this:
1. Note that those noodles depict some of the newer pokemon, therefore combining Spoilers and Food for the first time ever in videogame history!
2. Do the Noodles actually contain real pokemon, if so... would you? I mean look at the cute little faces...
3. Do Grass-Type Pokemon count as meat?
4. It has to be alright, I swear I saw Ash eating a burger in the cartoon, that has to have come from a Miltank or a Tauros.
5. Pikachu is technically an electric-rat, Rat meat? Would you?
6. What type is the brown pikachu with the clouds over it? Has to be a flying-type of some kind.
1. The controller. I have no idea where people get off mocking the PS3 controller, as far as I can see, it is nothing but an improvement on the "best-controller-ever" for the PS2. This time it has no wires, and is motion sensitive. The lack of a rumble pack, killed me slightly inside, but apparently that has been sorted. Whatever company was suing them about it had lost. (You may have heard rumours that the rumble pack was not included due to the Motion sensor affecting it, this was "Sony Lies", well not really, it does affect the motion sensor they are gonna include an on/off switch for the rumble feature letting the user decide whether or not they want this feature.)
2. It's the PS3. It seems that everyone has become quite jaded towards this word, despite all the worry and the excessive costs it's the next step up from the PS2!!!! The NEXT PS2! The PS2 was awesome! Remember...
3. The games. The most important and defining classification for any of these new platforms. Since it's the PS3 we can only hope that those defining titles will continue to be produced for the PS3 such as:
GTA 4: Nope it appears that GTA will be released for the 360.
Resident Evil 5: If you remember, Capcom jumped ship and put the last one on the Gamecube first, as it seems, they are not to loyal to Playstation for this title, and uh-oh, it's gonna be released on the 3600 too.
Metal Gear Splinter: Nuff said.
So what does that leave where are the big players? You know the MAJOR franchises something that is PS3 exclusive, something that could maybe define a platform, something that suits the Playstation controller, and could maybe be evolved in some way with the PS3 motion sensor! Wait a minute! What was one of the first titles announced for the PS3... It's on the tip of my tongue... Oh yeah!
Devil May Cry 4: Dante, and some pleb are to return in the next instalment of the series, exclusi... what... Oh it's out on the 360 too? ... Is there any point in forking out for the PS3... Controller? Pffft that hardly makes it worth it...
Game Over Sony.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Although I don't agree that this will be the case it's a step in the right direction. All of those clammy handed Second Lifers who are currently complaining that Second Life has become "too commercial" or "too popular" will be the same Second Lifers who will be in Second Life the day they switch the servers off. Unlucky San Fransicians, looks like everyone else has copied your idea and they'll be doing it better anytime soon. Some SLers have fought back by saying that "platforms" or dare I say it "multiverses" that are too popular will be filled with griefers and teenagers who "don't play in the spirit of the game". Better that than a bunch of 40 year old angsty bummers I say. At least griefers are willing to have a little fun. They also don't pretend to be in Second Life for things other than little children sex sims either so who's the bad people there?
Regardless of all the above anyway who needs multiverses, platforms, MMORPGs or Child Sex Sims when we all still have Quake 2. Ah. Quake 2. When gaming was still gaming and not just dressing your sim for a bit of virtual paedophilia. The innocent days before this sick shit.
Gamers for justice! STOP THE PERVERTS WHO MAKE UP 85% OF SECOND LIFE!!
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
You know reader/Richie it's this kind of stuff that makes me sick. We work really hard here at TGAM to bring you cutting edge reviews and news about videogames and then Guardian Games Blog steal our news and our readers. Look at all their comments! The only reason we don't get comments is because TGAM is blocked by almost every filter imaginable. If you are reading this reader, then I'm afraid we are a dwindling minority. The Germans will come and find us here any day soon.
UNTIL THEN- We will be emailing Guardian Games Blog every two days with the following email:
Dear Guardian GamesBlog
Remove all of your posts and delete your blog or we will be forced to
reveal the mediocrity of your blog to the world at large by linking to you from
the World's Second Greatest Videogame Blog, That Guy's a Maniac. If this were to
happen the millions of people that would visit your site having seen a link
on our site would laugh at your obvious inadequacy. Your posts are often
poorly spelt and derogatory to the gays. We should know because one of us
used to be gay and like, all our best friends are and we used to like Pet
Shop Boys. Anyway repeal all of your posts, learn to stop being homophobic
and stop copying our news.
Cunzy1 1 and The Other One
P.S Stop pretending that one of you is a girl. We know you are all girls
Monday, March 12, 2007
Which brings me to my main grumble. In recent years there have been many one line art exhibitions or publications showcasing people and their avatars. Which is great. City of Heroes and World of Warcraft are often featured. The new Home avatars and Miis are also bound to make an appearance. Robbie Cooper's Alter Ego, now a book, was some well crafted stuff. What really gets my goat though is all the Second Life stuff like this 13 most beautiful avatars, a somedy something Any Warhol zzzzzzzzzzzz. There have been hundreds of these Second Life avatar jobbies from Uncanny Valley to the most recent 13 most beautiful avatars shabang. Now this is all great, it's good that these kinds of expos are going on, but MOST SECOND LIFE AVATARS LOOK LIKE SECRETARIES. All the possibilities for customisation, you could be a dragon, a beaver, or a panda robot being driven by a little panda and yet many of these bandwagon expos and news articles focus on the metaverse of secretaries. Check here again (Wouldn't, wouldn't, wouldn't, would, wouldn't [Homophobe], wouldn't, wouldn't, wouldn't, wouldn't, wouldn't, wouldn't, wouldn't, might, btw). Most beautiful? Most beautiful? Most generic more like. So here is TGAM's 10 most beautiful avatars from "it's been ruined since people from outside of San Francisco have joined in" metaverse chatroom Second Life.
Yeah, I know that they are just taken from the outdated 2nd look site but these 10 avatars are more beatiful than 100 generic secretaries. From top left to bottom right: Big samurai women, Banjo worm, Titty mermaid, snoopy, hello kitty, patchwork lady, white man, baby seal, middle seal, fat seal. And all woulds except middle seal.
So please, go about your own second life business as you wish, be a secretary if that is what you want but for all the people out there doing meta-verse expos because you were never that good at art, more of an art historian if your degree is to be taken seriously, but it's easier to take screenshots or to just ask people for their screenshots, then please try to not do another 20 most beatiful secretaries skit. We've all seen people who look like secretaries but we've never seen a banjo playing worm or a ginger samurai women. Also, can we all stop pretending to use second life for more than just cyber sex. We all know that everyone in Second Life are retarded fatsos or 10 year old boys so lets drop the pretense. Okay?
Nooch Cunzy1 1
Whaddya mean you can't see it. Check the second panel:
For those of you who still can't see it, Lucas says "Yeah That's.. That's awful. THAT GUYS do that...". It's as clear as day. Thanks for the props Tim although I suspect you were just phising for more traffic by getting all of our readers to check you out. Sorry for rating you third greatest videogame themed webcomic of all time but Chef Brian has to go and never come back.
Image © 2002-2006 Tim Buckley and Ctrl+Alt+Del Productions. All rights reserved.
Thursday, March 08, 2007
Big Whoopdies I hear you cry but look at the big version.
You see them? At the bottom there. AMMONITES. They could have been dinosaurs, granted, but ammonites are halfway there. This is from some game called LittleBigPlanet yada yada but it's all about the prehistoric organisms. Sony you have managed to fuck up a bit less.
For those of you who don't believe me, or think they might be snails here is a zoom in using TGAM patented technology:
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
UPDATE: It's been delayed until Spring 2008
UPDATE: It's been delayed until November 2008
UPDATE: It's going to be four times the price in Europe when it comes out in January 2009
UPDATE: It's going to be motion sensitive like the Wiimotes. By moving around the room you'll be able to see the game you are playing FROM MOST ANGLES!! That is when it comes out in March 2009
UPDATE: It's never coming out at Europe
UPDATE: It's going to cost £1000,000 for the Europeans and it's still not coming out in Europe
UPDATE: The protoypes were just radios in a box marked 'Watch-Ray'. Sony confess that there is no 'Watch-Ray' but they own the patent
UPDATE: They don't even own the patent. Nintendo do
UPDATE: Sony to appear in court in May for stealing Ninty's ideas and for lying about 'Watch-Ray'
UPDATE: Sony to appear in court in July due to problems with the software
UPDATE: Date for Sony to appear in court has been further delayed until November 2007
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Seeing that now Richie is Deadcraft again I thought we should see what ol' Harvind1 is up to....
OH SICK. HE IS TRULY THE GREATEST VIDEOGAME BLOGGER OF ALL TIME. Did you see how long his post was? Very long indeed. Also he talks about real issues! We tried that once but it din't go very well. We were accused of being Homophobic even though one third of the TGAM team was gay once. It was just a phase but it means that we can't be homophobic. Well done Harvind1 you are an inspiration to us all.
In other news:
SONY of America has decided that TV compatability will no longer be available for the Europe PS3s. Instead SONY are releasing a new device called "Watch-Ray". Watch-Ray will be the biggest thing since the Walkman or the Playstation or Blu-Ray said SONY at 6pm GMT not last Thursday but the Thursday after that. By using Watch-Ray with the PS3, game players will be able to play the latest games such as Madden '06 and the original Killzone and actually see things on Watch Ray. This will revolutionise gaming my friends. No longer will we have to listen to the gameplay and try to work out what the buttons mean. Now we can directly see our characters move around on Watch Ray.
In other other news:
BBC Game Journalists desperate to write something. With the lack of any gaming news the BBC have stolen TGAM's journalistic technique, which we developed over the course of 2006/2007, of "writing any old shit and putting images and references to games in somewhere". As we speak, we are currently filing for divorce with the BBC. Well done Beeb. Now look what you've done. You couldn't have thought about the children before your blatant plagiarism. Fuckers.
Monday, March 05, 2007
Yeah so my Journalism Project? Well what I was doing was applying to Edge. Recently Kotaku announced that edge were hiring so, I thought what the hell, despite its numerous spelling mistakes, I'll call thatguys my portfolio. At the very least I was aiming to get a trip to their offices in Bath, that way we can all wnak over how obscure the Japanese are, whilst discussing the "Uncanny Valley" in a mild yet pretentious tone.
The things I was supposed to have:
1) Excellent writing ability, with an enthusiasm for grammar, research and structure as well as for expressing your opinion and communicating your passion.
"One word, Wnak"
2) An in-depth knowledge of videogaming, its history, and its culture.
"Dude, check the site! We still play PS1 games! And I can get 96 worlds complete in Super Mario World on the SNES in one sitting.
3) A real curiosity to fill any gaps in that in-depth knowledge.
"Yeah I am missing August to December 1999 "I'm sure I had a Dreamcast, but cant remember playing anything on it. I feel like Jim Carrey in that sunshine movie"
4) Creative flair - Edge writers have input into every aspect of the magazine, from topics covered to visual presentation
"Hey if you switch the "A" and the "N" around in Wank..."
5) An exceptional commitment to excellence
"Assuming excellence does not want to get married or have kids any time soon..."
What you don't need to have:
1) A portfolio of published work
"Dammit, tough, I'm showing www.thatguys.co.uk off"
2) A degree
"Ahh, now it becomes clear as to what edge is such a good magazine"
3) Experience of working on a magazine or similar publication
"Bollocks what kind of interview is this, you don't see fucking NASA scientists fucking interviewing for a position requesting that the applicant does not need a PhD in astrophysics, pffft"
The application process itself involved:
1) Confirm your salary expectations for this role
Easy, more than I get paid right now.
2) Enter a covering letter explaining what it is that attracts you to Edge, and what you'd be able to offer the magazine.
I Didn't really work long enough on this one but, it would have gone a bit like this:
The appeal of working for Edge mainly comes from the desire to brag that I work for a Gaming Magazine, which in turn stems from my desire to fuck vulnerable gamer chicks, who, though they seem inexperienced, are not. They were instead rejected by a lover because they were better than him at pro-evo. But they didn't get it, they played the game and got the ball in the net, they never felt the passion, being beat like that is the worst kind of being beaten, it sullies a mans pride. And as a fit of rebellion against this first lover she feels that she must stay committed to this gamer cause though she lacks the imagination, desire and obsession, and fuck any guy who suggests that gaming with a relationship could work. It's like art or music... yeah you get female artists and musicians but the real genius, passion always comes from men, Beethoven, Einstein, Da Vinci, Wilde, Van Gogh etc. Look at Jack White, he did that cover of Dolly Parton's Jolene, or Nancy Sinatra's Bang Bang, both the songs, though sung from the female point of view (which can be a bit gay) are infinitely better! The man knows passion. The only passion girls have is lust and that happens once a month right after they are off-the-blob and they can fuck (less messily) again. Women, don't mistake where your skills lie... yeah you are more organised, yeah you are better at multitasking, and these are all attributes that can make you "good" at games, but you lack that spark. It's like an NPC, they can talk to you, they can follow you about, they can even defend your life, but in the end they are just AI and will end up failing/leaving you.
I can offer Edge:
- A new name, "That Guys a Maniac".
- A new style of publishing, "Ad-Hoc".
- A new style of reviewing "Does it have dinosaurs in it? No? Then it is Shite."
3) Write a 500-word article, written in the style of Edge, making the case for someone - or something - you think is videogaming's unsung hero.
This, in my opinion, was the biggest part of the application So I spent quite some time coming up with ideas as to what videogaming's unsung hero, these included:
- The "?" bricks in Mario.
- Mayhem, from that C64 game "Mayhem in Monsterland". It is an obscure retro angle, but to be honest, I think I am rose-tinting the game and it was probably shit.
- The guy in the truck from the start of Resident Evil 2, for the best gaming quote, ever.
But after much deliberation I decided to rip-off the Sony ad from years ago:
Who is it that saves the princess?
Who has the fastest laptime?
Who is it that kills the terrorists?
Who has the highest score?
Who is it that does the 100+ hit combo?
Who lifts the world cup?
The answer is the player... Until recently it has been hard for armchair-gaming to be recognised amongst peers, but with high-speed internet accessible in all homes and every console with online capabilities, more and more people are getting acknowledged for their "Leet Skillz".
In the past the player's achievements were recorded in 3 letters on frequently reset arcade machines, in the recesses of your memory card, or simply by getting your mates round and thrashing them. For those who wanted to prove their worth to other around them there was LAN gaming, endless feuds of FPSs and RTSs, however setting these types of games were not entirely "User Friendly" and carried the stereotype of a gamer who could actually setup LAN networks.
But now with the introduction of Xbox live, gamerscores and achievements coupled with more and more people accepting games on the whole, these rankings can be our new window into potential pro-gamers. X-box tournaments are even being set-up for "Real-World" prizes, no longer is there a need to haul a pimped-out-PC to a warehouse LAN-party to get kudos for headshots, this can all be done from the comfort of the sofa via the same hardware.
A while ago ESPN (the US Sports channel) decided to consider gaming as a sport...
And that's it, very soon afterwards I realised that I deliberated too much and missed the deadline. Sorry I know that's a bit of an anti-climax especially for a post of this size... But that's it...
1) Would you pay £500 to be able to play one game for a month. It could be any game at all. Think of your favourite game, would you willingly pay £500 to play it?
Cunzy1 1: My favourite game of all time is probably Timesplitters 2, TGAM Game of the Year 2006. I don't think I would pay £500 to play it for a month though. I'd wait until it was cheap or free.
2) Would you pay £500 to play NHL 2K7?
Cunzy1 1: Hah! Fuck off. I've already got a NHL game. You only ever need one. It's like football games. No. Never.
3) Would you pay £500 to add a massive block of plastic to the already tight space under your TV. THe piece of plastic does nothing except play NHL 2K7?
Cunzy1 1: No. I need the space for my PS2 which can play all the Playsttion games I currently have. ALL of them.
4) Do you have problems with DVDs?
Cunzy1 1: No.
5) C'mon but really. They aren't big enough right?
Cunzy1 1: What? They're fine. What do you mean big enough? I don't get it. I put a DVD in my PS2 and I see a film. It's fine.
6) But imagine DVDs but a bit bigger.
Cunzy1 1: What like dinner plate size? Yeah that would be cool. Big dinner plate DVDs. You could buy duplicates of your favourite films and turn them into bedside tables. But it would be a bit inconvenient to store them all.
7) You can never play old playstation games.
Cunzy1 1: What? Why?...
8) They're all crap. No one plays old playstation games. Kidz need new things. New and shiny things. They'll forget the old things.
Cunzy1 1: No. What about the new final fantasy? It's only just come ou..
9) No. Fuck you. Fuck you Europe. You will do what we want you to do. You don't want to play old PS2 games. You want to pay £500 to play Xbox 360 games again. You don't ever want to play Shaolin 8-player anymore. You hate DVDs and you want bigger DVDs. You hate Nintendo. The remote control is dumb. Vibrating joypads is dumb.
Cunzy1 1: WOAH!
10) Would you rather have 5 DS Lites or a PS3?
Cunzy1 1: Five DS Lites.
11) Would you rather have a nice holiday abroad or a PS3?
Cunzy1 1: Holiday.
12) Would you rather have 3333 cans of Tesco value beans or a PS3?
Cunzy1 1: The beans. Think of the beans. You could make a fort out of that many cans and then eat some if you were hungry. The beans.
13) You're just answering with the first option I give you. This survey is moot.
Cunzy1 1: No it isn't. Try it the other way round.
14) Would you rather have a PS3 or nothing?
Cunzy1 1: Nothing.
15) Would you rather have a PS3 or a DS Lite and 13 games ?
Cunzy1 1: 13 is an unlucky number but I still would like a DSLite and the games.
16) Would you rather have a PS3 or pay your rent for a month?
Cunzy1 1: Rent. Always.
17) Would you rather have a PS3 or a man?
Cunzy1 1: A man. Gay.
18) Would you rather have a PS3 or a Wii and 10 games?
Cunzy1 1: A Wii and ten games! Especially considering that Super Smash Brothers Brawl is out soon and Super Mario Galaxy. You can't get those on the Xbox 360.
19) Fuck you.
Cunzy1 1: Fuck you more like. You silly shit. You had a massive fanbase. We were willing to stick by your side for the sake of gaming. Hah! This time two years ago if you'd have asked me which next gen console I would be most interested in I would have said the Playstation. Nintendo had shot itself in the foot with all the distribution issues and poor range on the Cube and the Xbox was for Americans. Now. Well I hope the PS3 bombs as badly as it seems to be bombing at the moment. You've made your bed Sony and incompetence, blatant lies and greed are in it. I'm not and TGAM isn't. Burn and die Mr.Sony. Burn and die. This is battery acid! [squirts inhaler]