Lara Croft: Sold

Yeah sold, like the veritable female object she is. SCi need some cash so they are thinking about selling her on. Of course, soulless money grubbing EA have already expressed their interest. They are possible already ejaculating their tainted devil seed it into their boxers, at the thought of twisting, mangling and destroying our beloved gamer icon. I know Eidos have not done their best with her, but if I owned Lara I would feel a responsibility to not allow EA to get their hands on it. Fuck it… I’d probably sell it to an indie for half the price, purely in the hopes that here already mangled polygons do not get violated any further with EA.

Aside from her turning up in every EA game as a bonus character, she already has a game lined up...

Tomb Raiderz Urban:

Set in WWII on the beaches of Normandy, Lara Croft has to street race her way around the globe with her skateboarding sidekick Tiger Woods to retrieve the EA Trax stolen by John Madden and the Evil Fifas.

Features:

- Her boobs will be fully customizable using the Areola-mization menu.
- The game includes 5 Left boobs (Right boobs must be purchased on Xbox Live)
- Pressing L2 will cause Lara to stop what she is doing and just bounce.
- Lara has a new persona, she is cheekier, and uses way more innuendos.
- Boobs
- One of the unlockable extras is to play the scene where Lara is actually bought by EA, however this is a bit risqué for EA as it includes scenes of violent anal rape. And from what we have heard it is quite disturbing, as about half what through it zooms in on Lara’s face and she pitifully sobs to the camera “Wh-why? Why!… *whimper* all I wanted to… *sniff* was raid tombs *screams*”

And yet Manhunt 2 gets banned...

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