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Showing posts with the label EAnal

Obligatory SimCity Rant

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ZOMG how can the mega corporate beast that is EA with all its staff and testers and managers and everything all come together to produce an underwhelmingly underfinished game that can only be played online?

Well dear reader you gotta break it down. and look at it from the stand point of a corporate machine:

Point 1. The always online aspect was an immovable benchmark for EA and the Maxis games. The growing trend in the previous sim games was online connectability with growing focus on the origin community and microtransactions i.e. buying outfits and furniture in the Sims 3. To set a standard for "always online" games creates benefits that are at minimum two-fold: all future games will be online and monitored, thus less piracy and less association with the internet swearword "DRM", and secondly to generate a sim-community for milking cash-cow games with standardised sign-up accounts across all games.

Point 2. The quality and technicality of the online experience w…

E3 Balls

So it's E3 again. Already. Everyone gets way too excited, few let important things such as facts get in their way. We're going to be extending all of our tendrils during E3 and we'll keep updating this post when thoughts occur in our brains.


Errr steady on MCV, this year's isn't even over yet and they're starting coverage about the next one. Hmm.More Wii U speculation. This time it's Mass Effect. Possibly. So that's yet another AAA game that's already on the HD platforms that may appear on the Wii U. Forgive us for not wetting our pants yet.There's a Painkiller sequel. To go with the four ports and 200 expansions. CARE FACTOR = 0Crysis 3Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Will this one even turn a profit? No. No of course it won't.We just can't hide our surprise. Sony, the makers of PlayStation. Are making an accessory that turns the PlayStation Move into a steering wheel well into a hang glider thing! Wow! If only I coul…

Wot No Wii? Part #2

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EDGE magazine isn't just the thinking gamer's read, in our opinion it's one of the few 'publications' that transcends insulting and is actually written for people above the age of nine. By comparison, half of the shit on the web and virtually every other gaming mag falls somewhere between the Beano and the National Enquirer.

However, one of the problems with a cross platform publication is that each issue can only offer a limited number of pages to each platform. Increasingly this has meant that every platform but the Wii gets coverage. In this month's issue E227 only one of the 23 games reviewed and previewed is a Wii game. Last month only two of the 24 games were Wii games. Now of course, it pleases more of the demographic,more efficiently to look at the cross-platform games !PS3, PC,Xbox 360) but the truth is that there ain't that much on the horizon.

It seems that when Capcom or Nintendo aren't making Wii games, nobody is. Why is that Nintendo magic s…

Wot No Wii? Part #1

There's been a blitz of Wii bashing and just ignorant the platform recently. It's a bit stupid really and recalls times when the PlayStation 2 and Gamecube were prematurely abandoned, the former platform killed off in it's prime and the latter sticking two fingers to Microsoft and Sony with Resident Evil 4. So it appears to begin with the Wii.
The first bit of bashing comes from Frank Gibeau, head of the EA Games label describing the Wii as a legacy platform (via Industry Gamers).

"They [Nintendo] understand the dynamics and the fact that HD consoles is a booming part of business right now. Legacy platforms like PS2 and the Wii have dropped off significantly. They’re not stupid. They’re going to figure something out. They’re going to come back at it."
Is the kind of moronic rhetoric that gets our goat. What he actually means is that nobody, especially EA have been able to replicate Nintendo's success on it's own console and it is language like this that mis…

Kinect. It's K-new

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If E3 was the Gulf of Mexico and Kinect an oil spill you can find all the sickly oily penguins trying to work out what the fuck over here.

E.g "It is not possible to make any serious hardcore game without a controller with this level of technology."

Fact. Brilliant. Also, bingo.

E3 Again

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E3 again folks! E3 again! Want to see the games you'll be picking up for £10 in two months from now? Sure thing. Need some more ammunition to keep up those tired old 'console wars' between you and other moron-losers on the forum? Hey fuckface. It's Efunking3. Want to be told what shit you'll be eating next and exactly how to grin whilst you do it? Well then, you may have heard of a lil ol thing called E3.

Here's our how to guide:

1) Find the official live E3 presentation stream a Danish pirate stream that occupies a small 2 by 3 cm screen with six or seven pixels worth of definition, get some popcorn and settle in to watch the laggy presentations whilst clueless meatheads keep asking "So am I supposed to play Gears 3 standing up?" over and over and over again in between the indistinguishable Danish chit chat in the 'open chat box'.

2) Milliseconds after anyone says anything Alt tab to the one of the myriad of fora you have open and type in LOL. N…

Breaking News!

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In case you missed the TV-adverts, radio spots, advertorials, news features, interviews with Will Wright, selling out sponsorship on every gaming blog, magazine adverts and zeitgeist "Sporn" articles then you read it here first, Spore is out.

We have had an exclusive hands off playthrough with both the DS version and the lesser known PC version. You won't find another hands off exclusive like this anywhere else!


Spore Creatures for Nintendo DS.Many companies release fully fledged games for the proper consoles then release some half-arsed watered down version on the DS. All the publicity and the marketing for the proper versions means that many people buy the DS version on good faith only to find that it is a steaming pile of GBA shite. Spore Creatures for the DS is one of these games. Imagine, if you will, a watered down version of pokemon put through the Fossil League Dinosaur Tournament Championship filter and then whisked together lightly for twenty minutes with Drawn …

GTA 4 Early!

Ha!

YAAAAS

"IcanhasGTA4?"

Yes I can!

kkthxbye

Night note

Dear Type-O

This is all part of our new setup. It's a great new innovative feature where we as "editors" write each other boring updates about real life and shit. I'll do the night notes and you can do the day notes. My updates will be about my mail order wife and my kid and how "crazy" where I live is despite the fact I've made little effort to integrate myself into society here. Your updates should be about trying to make what I said interesting so then I can boring it up again tomorrow night.

So, just a reminder. Do an update here. Something funny. Maybe something about the new nintendo console being named after piss. Also, we should change our logos and site to puke inducing colours. What do you think?

Catch you later

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Lara Croft: Sold

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Yeah sold, like the veritable female object she is. SCi need some cash so they are thinking about selling her on. Of course, soulless money grubbing EA have already expressed their interest. They are possible already ejaculating their tainted devil seed it into their boxers, at the thought of twisting, mangling and destroying our beloved gamer icon. I know Eidos have not done their best with her, but if I owned Lara I would feel a responsibility to not allow EA to get their hands on it. Fuck it… I’d probably sell it to an indie for half the price, purely in the hopes that here already mangled polygons do not get violated any further with EA.
Aside from her turning up in every EA game as a bonus character, she already has a game lined up... Tomb Raiderz Urban: Set in WWII on the beaches of Normandy, Lara Croft has to street race her way around the globe with her skateboarding sidekick Tiger Woods to retrieve the EA Trax stolen by John Madden and the Evil Fifas.
Features:

- Her boobs will …