Dear Capcom#3

Dear Capcom

Right. This is it. I have written to you on many occasions and not a single reply. This is not on, especially considering how many of your franchises only sold so well off the back of our glowing reviews and hard hitting articles on Capcom and Capcom characters. But that's it now. You took it too far. Dido is dead. I stuffed her in the boot of my car and drove it off a bridge. I phoned the police and told them you did it. Ha! how do you like that?

This will be you if you do not comply with our demands:

OH LOOK CAPCOM HAS ACCIDENTALLY FALLEN ON THIS HOOK ABOVE A FIRE But also, it seems that not only are you ignoring our pleas but you are deliberately doing things to annoy us. Case in point? Well Lost Planet for starters. What the Fuck? But also look at Devil May Cry 4. What the fucking fuck is that poor man's homoerotic excuse for a younger, camper much much less cool Dante, that you call Nero?
Are you having a laugh? Did you even play MGS2? No one likes Raiden and no one will like Nero. I've scoured the internet and no one has ever typed the sentence "Yes. I really like Devil May Cry the series but I find Dante not camp or annoying enough. I will invest in a sequel if he is pseudo replaced with an appropriate alternative". Not once. See! Scientific proof. Have you not learned from DMC2? No one played as the women because she wasn't Dante.

Anyway, that was slighlty off topic. This is my last demand, I have four vials of the T-Virus primed and ready to go if you do not reply within the calendar year. I decided to use the T-virus because the G-virus was a bit weak and the las Plagas stuff was uber poor. No one likes your new racist game either, even after you changed the game's setting from Africa to Haiti to pacify the very vocal American anti-racists. Frankly you are lost Capcom but we are here to help.

This is how you make lots of money and please your fans Capcom. MAKE RE2 FOR THE DS BUT MAKE IT PROPERLY WI-FI. Yeah? Think about it. It would be great. It would be like what you tried to do with the awful awful awful awful awful awful awful awful awful Outbreak and Outbreak file 2**. One person can play as Claire and one person can play as Leon and it would be great. There should definitely be a cyber button too? Can you do that? Thanks. Oh and whilst your doing fanbidding could you put Dante and Frank West as extra characters? Yeah? Ok ball is in your court now Capcom. I've got the T-virus aimed at Japan and depending on how you act now it could be a very very ZOMBIE new year, if you get what I mean?*

Kind Regards

Cunzy1 1 and Richie

P.S. If I were you I'd get the press releases out pretty sharpish because I've got a very itchy (tasty) test tube throwing finger. You hear me?

* I mean if you don't do it I'll release the T-virus in Japan on the 31st of December. Thought I'd write it out here because I might have been being a bit too obscure.

** If you are reading this, congratulations you are now a sponsor of TGAM. This means that you automatically pay TGAM $49 a month for the TGAM staff to work overtime to produce images like this and in return you get access to bonus materials or material the normal readers don,t get. Thank you for your contribution and keep reading for your bonus material. BONUS MATERIAL: Yeah I never played Outbreak File 2. The first one was so bad***

*** If you are reading this, congratulations you are now an uber sponsor of TGAM. This means that you automatically pay TGAM $199 a month for the TGAM staff to work overtime to produce images like this and to pay those expensive lawyer bills. In return you get access to bonus bonus materials or material the normal readers and sponsors don,t get. Thank you for your contribution and keep reading for your bonus material. BONUS BONUS MATERIAL: Yeah I never played the original Outbreak either. SHUT UP, I read about it on Gamespot and watched a demo video OK!

Comments

Bellemorda said…
c'mon Cunzy, can't you just release the T-virus on All Hallow's Eve, and instead of Japan plan it for Haiti?

That way, you blow Capcom in the most eloquent of ways! You'll get tons of extra media coverage, which could ultimately result in the total failure of the racial zombie targeting *and* their apologetic and quick concession to your well-planned demands.

yeah, and can I be the ring girl for the next round?

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