WORLD EXCLUSIVE WEATHER THEMED REVIEW EXCLUSIVE OF LOST pLANET EXCLUSIVELY BY Chuff_72

Here in the good old U of K it is snowing. In England (Scotland can handle snow and no-one has heard from Wales for years) when it snows everything breaks. Trains, cars, airplanes, TV reception, Everything. However, Lady and Gentlemens even though we are currently all snowed in, with only a couple of cans of Heinz Beanz for sustinence until Spring, wonder-commentor and Honorary Hardcore Maniac, Chuff_72 has written the world's first review of Lost Planet to coincide with more than a little bit of snow in England's capital. THIS IS THE FIRST TIME IT HAS HAPPENED PEOPLE, you saw it here first*

Take it away Chuffter:

"Is it cool to tell yourself, "I told you so"? I watched all the video's, downloaded all the demos and masturbated over my copy of EDGE, yet at the back of my mind there was a feeling that there was something wrong with this slice of arcade pie...
To begin with I followed the crowd, the Dr
(
Dr Wo 69, also a stalwart Maniac and long term gamer. He also does Dr Wo's surgery for this site) and I managed to convince ourselves that yes, we really did enjoy the two steps, then explode multiplayer and the repetitive single player demo, the finished game would have loads more to it, right? Right?
At TGAM we have a couple of tests for all our Next-Gen purchases, one of the most important is this; Can you shoot the glass out of the windows? I hate to bring up Timesplitters (actually I don't, I like to bring up the TGAM Game of the Year 2006 as much as possible) but in that game you can shoot out frikin stained glass windows and there's even a level devoted solely to smashing glass with a brick, so any Next-Gen product best be able to match that... Enter the 360 and CoD2, I don't want to talk about the disappointment suffered here. In Lost Planet you can blow up a car with three rounds from your shotgun, but can you smash the glass in the background? Can you fuck.
So this small detail has put me on the defensive, I start noticing other things, like how the snow, the main element in the game doesn't react in any way to the game, foot prints don't stay, furrows vanish, when you walk forward big white lumps fly around but no trail is left, if Motorstorm can do it, then why can't Lost Planet? Massive explosions don't make holes, RED FACTION ANYBODY? The auto aim removes the need for precision, the levels are basically linear tracks, the grapple hook is completely under used, why follow the Tenchu model? Why not make it so we can Spiderman our way through the levels, especially as Wayne runs like a fuckin Joey!
And what happened to the Capcom factor? Where's the little hidden quirks, the dashes of humour, where's Megaman (just for the record most TGAM posters and commenter's hate fucking Megaman, just so you know), why can't I unlock a Tyrant to play as or some stupid hidden weapon? I know this being a Capcom game I run the risk of being branded a Gayer, but honestly, this game could have come out of any number of studios.
So what did they get right? While there is no story and the graphics are decidedly underwhelming they nail the atmosphere right to the wall, and when played purely as a dumb arcade run and gun from one end to the other it IS good fun. The multiplayer is also good for a laugh, but I can't see it holding anyone attention past a couple weeks, the lobby system is as much to blame for this as anything, which must have been designed by a donkey on crack. The levels are far too large, even with a full complement of 16 players (quite rare, and will get rarer... how Resistance is gonna fill up with 40 remains a mystery to me), but there are a few smaller levels that means you can get up close and personal, but don't use the melee cos it's about as effective as furiously masturbating in the face of a charging gorilla. So, like the single player, it's good fun in short bursts, but becomes flaccid over time.
Final thoughts? I look forward to the inevitable sequel in the hope that they fix some of the above and maybe add a co-op mode, but for right now, I can get £30 on trade in at Gamestation to put towards Crackdown..."


*It's this kind of service you can expect from the World's Second Greatest Videogame Blog. Harvind1 we're coming for you

Comments

dr wo 69 said…
Next DOA Xtreme 2!

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