The Battle Tower

All cunts
As I mentioned previously, I was dead over Christmas and confined to games I could play without moving too much, specifically, I could only play games whilst only moving my index finger and thumb right hand. Aside from Final Fantasy III this also meant that it was time for me to face up to the Battle Tower in Pokemon SoulSilver.

For those of you who ain't in the know, the Battle Tower is a very challenging tower of battles. Who'd have guessed? Basically you take some of your best dudes and try to beat as many CPU dudes in a row as possible. Challenges can be done with 3 pokemon in mano a mano type affair or with four pokemon in 2 mano a mano affairs or if you have a willing friend you can try and do the tower with a mate over wifi. If you beat 20 trainers in a row you get to fight the tower tycoon. If you beat the tower tycoon you get a schmancy ribbon for all the pokemon in your team. If you beat 48 trainers in a row you get to face off against the tycoon slightly pimped and if you win you get an ever so slightly nicer ribbon for your dudes. If you beat 100 in a row you join a list of five people in the world who have ever done it and you get a nice extra star on your trainer card. This extra star can bring you girls and fame and fortune and boys too. IRL!

Sounds simple and it's a kids game right so it must be simple. Sadly, friend it ain't. The first seven rounds are a cake-walk. The next seven are an iddle bit tricky but then after that the computer cheats really, really badly like we always knew the computer would do, according to internet lore. It's hard to judge whether or not there are actually rum doings afoot but you will start to curse the video game gods when moves with 33% accuracy hit four times in a row or seemingly innocuous attacks critical three turns in a row OHKOing everyone on your team. Bish bash bosh.
Nothing to do with the battle tower but I loved this image so much.
So, with nought but half an eye and limited motor function I took three of my hardest, grizzled, angry, take-no-prisoners pokemon and set about getting some pretty ribbons and a star. My previous record was 21 in a row before some cheating bastard cheaped my guys.

The Battle Tower is a funny place. Battles are strung together in blocks of seven so you can rest, give up or change your team about every seven battles. Each of the trainers you face will greet you with a different saying and then taunt you if they win ending your current streak or offer a phrase of disappointment if you best them. Memorable combatants are a Japanese idol (see here) who was never loved by the public and wants to make it as a pokemon champ, a clown who compares arena fighting to "bachelorhood" and a trainer whose opening gambit is: "This is my story I cannot lose". These little snippets give your mind a nice little rest from what is essentially a grind.

Because I'm a woman or something according to this book I tend to play with my favourites rather than a crack team of perfectly trained cheat heads. This means that because my team is composed of Omastar (the Omastar), Aerodactyl and a Mamoswine Octilleries and Kinglers cause me no end of problems with their cheaty fucking Crabhammers OHKOing all of them. Getting knocked out is heartbreaking as you have to start all over again and the battles get tenser and tenser as the streak increases and the pokemon you face start to get a bit tougher and a bit smarter. After a day of Towering I'd managed to get as far as 26 battles in a row but it looks like I'll remain a second-rate four star trainer for a while to come. yet.

What did you play over Xmas reader?


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