That special genre of game

Since the year nothing there has been a distinct difference between what appears on the back of the box and on screen in games. However, right now we are reaching the stage where there ain't no difference no more. Sometimes. Take, for example Gears of War a game I played a leeetle bit too much of the other week there.
(Apologies for all the v links but here we go) In the UK this ad has been on the TV almost as much as the twilight princess advert. Nice yes?. This is a snippet of gameplay. Ok, so obviously there is a difference, but on the whole you get what you were advertised. You can use the chainsaw to cut people up, you get to shoot lots and lots of things, you can run down alleys and the game looks as near to the trailer as it can do without the sexy camera angles. Now look here. Well shit the bed if I don't want to buy it right now! In a previous life, ehem, if I had been a Warhammer player this had me, would of had me, psyched. I want in. It looks really good and the combat is exciting. Now look here.

What the fuck is that? Okay, okay, I know it's the alpha but look at it.
Although the game may change before release date, the fundamentals aren't going to change. You're still going to have to stand toe to toe with an enemy, pummeling them in the face as they pummel you in the face all the while your immersion is increasing with the appearence of neon symbols above your head, their head, NPCs' heads and animals in the backgrounds' heads. Day glow splashes and other effects representing magic will fill the screen. No one is really sure if it's working without looking at the myriad of things filling up the screen on the HUD. Watch (and listen, if you can bear it) it again then watch this again.

Which one makes you feel happier? What's wrong with the combat in the trailer? Why don't you have that in game? It's do-able surely? How are all the kick-ass fighting and that bit with the rocklobber, umm catapult thing, at all representative of the crappy WoW chonking each other in the head business? The answer is they aren't. So they either need to change their game so at least it plays like the trailer even if it doesn't look like it . Or, they should change the trailer to show protagonists running around in circles, shouting "AFK" at dinner time and then standing next to their arch enemies and just whacking them at the same time as they are getting whacked. Neither one flinching until they die. Then throw in some pink and luminous green fireworks going off left right and centre and then, only then, will the trailer accurately reflect the game. Why is it that MMORPGs are allowed to lie so much in their trailers?

Look here. Not once does the trailer reference Azeroth's booming sexing industry or the endlessly repeating battleground conflicts. Every character in the ad is wearing (some) clothes and not once do you see someone looking like they are bitching about Blizzard. No reference is made to the hundreds of characters who are half dragon or wolf inside or the scores of vorers. It's just plain misrepresentation. That's why we start our new campaign NO MORE NEON COLOURS OR FLOATING SYMBOLS OR NON EXISTANT COMBAT COLLISION DETECTION OR RUBBISH LIE HEAD TRAILERS IN/FOR MMORPGS.

While we're at it we might as well pretend to care. NO MORE BIG EARS FOR ELVES. It's just type casting. Is that all they have to offer? Big ears? Why not give them three tits or warts. Nose warts for elves. Fuck it. Who are we trying to kid. More tits and big ears to distract people from what is essential the same fight a million times over.
7 Million players must be right? Right?

If lying in adverts is fine I just hope the next advert for Gears of War show 14,000 players-per-side fire fights, helicopters, tanks, robots and playable characters as big as buildings. Alternatively, they could just start showing the Killzone 2 adverts on TV again. Lie mongorers.


  1. Anonymous09:45

    Thanks for the boobies, they have brightened up my rain soaked mornin'.

  2. Anonymous15:14


  3. Anonymous15:21

    There's not a lot that gets my geek glands swelling more than a possible return to the Hammer, Dawn of War made me wet my pants and I think this GWMMORPG may just push me over the edge! If they release it on 360 I'm fucked...

    p.s. I reserve the right to change my mind and pour scorn on this MMO as I am yet to actually view the offending vid. Ahhh, to roam across the land looking for Squigs to rape... a boy can dream.

  4. Anonymous00:50

    To get through to the 'Badlands' I do believe you need to cross the eh, Misty Mountains at Karak Varn, the old Dwarf Mine, which is now over-run by the Night Goblins of Skarsnik who rules the Eight Peaks Clan, with Gobbla of course.

    Then you have to pass through the so-called Death Pass, where Morglum Necksnapper drove off the Dwarven Armies in a famous victory.

  5. Anonymous14:21

    Even through the Witch King Nagash's armour gives a 4+ save regardless of save modifier.


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