Unit of the Month: Whore Truck

What's this? A new feature? Yes, we've been looking at our web statistics and the readers of this site have been spending almost two tenths of a second longer on the site than ever before. We thought that if we introduce more features we could push the dwell time up to a whole fucking second. That and Unit of the Month: Whore Truck sounds a lot more compelling than Most Recent Idea From Our Brain, Unit of The Month: Whore Truck. Or does it? Who are we to decide?

Most Recent Idea From Our Brain, Unit of The Month: Whore Truck.
If gaming is to ever be treated seriously, like cancer or X factor then there are certain terms that need to be expunged from the gaming lexicon. One such term is games and another is unit and upgrade, damage, special move and more importantly power-ups. Look at this video, better still, watch it:



Even the little boggle eyed boy sounds cool going on about conquering worlds. What did you do last night? "Well, I upgraded my units so they could do more damage". No, no you didn't. You inched further towards dying a lonely virginal death, the final scene involving the council breaking into your hovel to investigate the smell of your decomposing corpse and going beyond the call of duty and logging you off of WoW so they didn't have to tell your mum the exact state in which they found you.

This month's (January) unit of the month is the whore truck. Specifically the whore trucks from Command and Conquer: Red Alert. Female readers you may have often wondered what it must be like to be a man, perhaps just for one day. Well wonder no more! Here's our two step guide to getting an authentic experience and it doesn't involve listening to pig headed beyonce sing sexist songs about how boys cheat on you with their female cop coworkers.

STEP 1: Masturbate each and every time you think you might be alone for more than five minutes.

STEP 2: Play Command and Conquer Red Alert paying particular attention to your whore trucks.

You see managing the whore trucks in C&C Red Alert (FUN FACT, they're actually called ore trucks but you know us, boys will be boys and turn our phones off and pretend we were sleeping alone) is very much like owning a penis. Unlike a penis, whore trucks are your key unit for gathering resources so you can upgrade your units and do more damage. Much like a penis, a lot of the time they are out there, vulnerable and fragile and any damage to them can put paid to your big plans. Sure, they don't have the same problems with the culturing of bacterial and fungal problems like lady parts but then when was the last time you heard about a woman catching her flaps on a loose nail or in elevator doors? Wonder why some men can't help but constantly grab their junk in public as if to check it's still there? Well it's because dastardly enemies may have sent some tanks and men to secretly destroy it. And dastardly enemies indeed! Up until the Ore Truck Law was approved by the UN in 1997 it was amazingly, perfectly legal to go and kick someone in the balls. Thankfully such underhand tactics are banned under the Geneva Convention as uncricket-like.

Yes. For all your military might a swift, infertilizing and decisive strike on your whore trucks would require the selling off of buildings in order to raise the funds to make some new ones leaving your army uncontrolled as you quickly faff around trying to scrounge up enough money for a whore truck or hopefully two before the enemy commander is in your base tatianering the shit out of all your stuff.

The whore trucks in the Red Alert games were far more penis like than the ones in the umm non Red Alert C&C games because at least the ones in the original looked like they could take a bullet or two. The trucks in Red Alert just looked like regular old combine harvesters. Not only would I start to tear up when an undefended whore truck was under attack because it just isn't on to hit a man in the whore truck but I imagined that the little trucks were driven by farmers. They weren't soldiers. Sure, they looked like soldiers when the driver hops out upon truck destruction but that's only because the army people made them dress up like soldiers for parades and things. They just want to gather up all the ore and fill up the silos like farmers are want to do. Poor little farmer dudes.

So there we have it: whore trucks. Have you checked on yours recently?

Comments

Anonymous said…
Wait... what?

And furthermore, what the hell is going in this blog? I don't know, but I LIKE IT.
tomeoftom said…
This blog is FANTASTIC.
rob_is_gay said…
so are you saying red alert came after C&C? A friend of mine is sure it was red alert first, and he plays these games alot.
Cunzy11 said…
Due to problems with retrospectively working out in what order things came nobody can tell which one came first.
Most people go by the order in which the games were released but there is a very small group of wrong people who insist Red Alert came first to the point where they have to look it up on wikipedia in front of everyone.

I um imagine.

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