Showing posts with the label look at me I am Tim Rogers

Formula Zero Grand Xix

Who wants a review of a nine year old game? Who DOESN'T want a review of a nine year old game more like? Yes Wii U is almost upon us and all those retarded journos, the morons who run GAME and those ridiculous early adopters won't stop bloody going on about it. However, much like the 3DS it feels like a series of reruns. There's genuinely nothing original on the platform bar Nintendoland but I can tell you now that 90% of Wii U games won't pick up on the brilliant idea of hiding information on the game pad or asymmetric gameplay.  It'll be like motion controls all over again. Everyone and their dog will make platformers where poor old player 5 (the mum character in the current TV spots) jabs the screen to create platforms and generally has far less fun than a quick spot of rub the man in the boat.   But fuck new games. I'm still catching up with the Gamecube releases. I distrust those pricks online who claim to be 'bored' by a console (normally

Unit of the Month: Whore Truck

What's this? A new feature? Yes, we've been looking at our web statistics and the readers of this site have been spending almost two tenths of a second longer on the site than ever before. We thought that if we introduce more features we could push the dwell time up to a whole fucking second. That and Unit of the Month: Whore Truck sounds a lot more compelling than Most Recent Idea From Our Brain, Unit of The Month: Whore Truck. Or does it? Who are we to decide? Most Recent Idea From Our Brain, Unit of The Month: Whore Truck. If gaming is to ever be treated seriously, like cancer or X factor then there are certain terms that need to be expunged from the gaming lexicon. One such term is games and another is unit and upgrade, damage, special move and more importantly power-ups. Look at this video, better still, watch it: Even the little boggle eyed boy sounds cool going on about conquering worlds. What did you do last night? "Well, I upgraded my units so they could do

Metroid Prime 3 A REVIEW OF SORTS Part 1

Dear all. We have only just finished Metroid Prime 3: Corruption but before snarky web morons laugh out loud and then point out that it took us three years to complete a game, we would like to qualify that it took us 22 hours actually. We had other stuff to do between 2007 and now. The Other Stuff We Did Didn't spend all our time on Internet forums complaining about how we might have to dust off our Wii because we play every single game that comes out to completion in about two days because we are school-aged losers who have no other life to speak of. Competitive sports. The manly ones. Talking about cars. We like the ones with alloys on the pistons. Trying to get platinum medals for everything on Timesplitters Future Perfect even though officially we pretend the series stopped at 2. Emailing Penny Arcade monthly or so with various ruses. They are either so cunning they see through our excellent ruses or they don't read 90% of the shit most people send them. Lying to our youn