Friday, January 29, 2010

Resident Evil Darkside Chronicles

TitsExciting unboxing complete we've now played through a lot of Darkside Chronicles, some of the normal Capcom secret modes silliness aside.
The review that summed it up best was probably the EDGE review. This is RE2 & Code Veronica the best bits. All the bits you remember with all the inventory management, backtracking and key finding edited out. Some reviews bitched about how Capcom had taken a hatchet to the storyline but the bits they cut out and edited gave a bit more elbow room to new elements that weren't there before and a bit more exposition.
The new "bit" set between Code Veronica and Resident Evil 4 feels less last minute made up than the Umbrella's End Mission from Umbrella Chronicles and has some nice South American twists of RE B.O.W classics, the Anubis and the new Ivy being particularly stand out.
Obviously, for us this game is some much needed Resident Evil massage oil for the relevant bits of our brains that crave it but if you aren't the kind of person who enjoys reading through the files and just "looking" at the rotating character models (with some totally unnecessary Redfield tit wobble I hasten to add) you might well burn through this quickly and never revisit it. If you are a completionist then there is plenty here to unlock, max out and achieve and it is amazing how well shooting Tofu is executed. It is astonishing. Playing through again dual wielding is also a great deal of fun if you can get over how sad it is playing th 2 player game on your own.
For those of you who will be playing 2P it is well worth maxing the difficulty from the beginning to make it a challenge.
Online leader boards are a nice addition and for experts seeing your name up there (even fleetingly) is worth memorizing every shot for. All in all a solid game that might not be for those who burn through, rather than savour their games, and well worth checking out before deciding to label it as yet another Capcom re-run.
PS We know she isn't in Darkside Chronicles but boy her breasts are exposed.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Obligatory iPad Post

Since the Blogosphere is rife with everyone finishing each other off whilst masturbating vigorously and furiously to Apple's latest product, we at thatguys felt compelled to drop our fluids* into the Apple wank pile.


To be honest there is not much to say that hasn't been said on EVERY other site out there, seriously do apple even need to advertise?

A Blogger said: It's like a mix between an iPhone and a Macbook.
Twitter went viral with #iTampon, yet again proving that the internet is blatantly immature as us.
Facebook is crawling with the same link to Steve Jobs Keynote.
The BBC said it was a "gaming device", fuck off.
The Guardian called it an oversized phone.
Kotaku were not overly impressed.

Metascore 4/10: Wait for iPad 2



*fluids, it's more PC you know cuz women get to do it too.

iLove and iHugs.

Richie XX

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

CAPCOM®ANNOUNCES SPRING LINE-UP LAUNCH DATES INCLUDING SUPER STREET FIGHTER® IV, LOST PLANET® 2, MONSTER HUNTER® TRI AND FINAL FIGHT™: DOUBLE IMPACT..

®eads pa®t of the headline f®om a site so insidious we a®en't even gonna give the fucke®s a wo®king link. ©unts.

Ditto was in the news again!

Apparently, Dittos* are going extinct, according to yesterday's newspaper the METRO.
Ditto Ditto!.
This is stupid. Everyone has a Ditto right? And they aren't fished, you just catch them in the grass. I have a spare if anyone is interested.
Ditto ditto!
Or find them at music festivals. But they aren't very good. By the time you have wasted a turn you are then in the unfortunate position in that your foe knows all your moves.
Ditto?
We hate it when newspapers get all their shit wrong. Stupid newspapers. Sadly I only worked out Ditto wasn't great when it dinged level 89.

*We know it should be Ditto not Dittos but we love annoying those wiki pricks who genuinely care about it. Because when the aliens find part of a server floating round in the space where Earth used to be, they're really gonna be concerned about the correct way of pluralising a fictional monster. Anyway if it does go extinct we won't have to worry about that.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Animal Crossing Racism-Round 2

Not happy just to have baabara running around dropping the n-bomb Nintendo have turned their racist little eyes onto the Scots.
Yes starting from last night and up until the 1st of February, you too could download the "I hate the Scots" hat for Animal Crossing Wii. Complete with ginger hair and tartan Tam o shanter. You too can recreate Glasgow on a Saturday night by dressing like a stereotype heckling K.K.Slider and then vomiting into the river before dying of hypothermia and obesity.

Nintendo have yet to confirm the car bomb furniture set for St Patrick's day.

Monday, January 25, 2010

So boring

Read it here. Basically, former who-is-that-guy-again? leader of the tory party, IDS has pulled a Vaz. This time though, avoiding Vaz's idiotic mistake a few weeks back, he appears to be aware of all the laws about selling stuff to people who aren't old enough to buy it all. He just says nobody pays attention.

He also comes out with:

“We are driving children to lose their childhood, and some video games are incredibly violent, like Grand Theft Auto. They are meant to be 18 but nobody cares what it says on the label."

Fuck off IDS. Just fuck off. When was the last time you took a bus after 11pm in this country? That's violence right there. Real actual violence. In fact for anyone living in London they probably see violence every week. I know I do. And then of course there are violent films on TV all day every day which anyone can watch with no restrictions whatsoever. Oh and books. When was the last time you got ID(S'ed?) for a book? And even then. Even if 1997 game GTA is destroying childhood why don't we tap into that powerful interactive medium that has such a brainwashing effect as to distract a member of parliament (and tipped to be a cabinet member) and use it to improve our youth's obesity problems or teen pregnancy problems or crime problems or literacy problems? Is that going to be on the agenda? Because the last couple of government funded video games were SHIT, didn't appear at all or were worse than educational software of the early 1990s.
That is the end of the above news item. The following news item is the Top Five Things About The 1997 PlayStation Game Grand Theft Auto Which Are Better Than Chingford, The Constituency Of Iain Duncan Smith:

1) The police actually catch you if you do too many crimes. They don't just put you on a list and then maybe accidentally pick you up or anything. In 2005/2006 only 25% of crimes committed were solved.
2) It is harder to get a gun in GTA than it is in real life in Chingford and Walthamstow.
3) It is impossible to commit a sexual offence in GTA but in 2005/2006 year there were 278 sexual offences in Chingford.
4) It is impossible to steal anything from a car in GTA but in 2005/2006 there were 3155 theft from a motor vehicle in Chingford.
5) It is impossible to commit a burglary in GTA but in 2005/2006 there were 1962 burglaries in Chingford.
So there we have it. Two unrelated random pieces of news.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

New That Guys 'Girlfriend' Identified

See here the lovely Lisa Courtney officially has the World's Largest Collection of Pokemon Memorabilia and we are seething with jealousy so bad right now.
We thought we were contenders for it but Lisa's collection dwarfs the TGAM meagre collection of:

  • Copies of Pokemon Red, 2 x Blue, Yellow, SIlver, Gold, Ruby Sapphire, Diamond, Pearl, Platinum, TCG, Ranger, Link, Stadium, Stadium 2, Colosseum, Ruby & Sapphire Box, Channel, XD, Snap and Mystery Dungeon Time.
  • A Psyduck Plushie.
  • Seven or so key rings of Pikachu.
  • An Eevee that senses motion and says Veeeeeeeeeee (batteries not working).
  • A copy of Pikachu's Global Adventure.
  • Legal copies of the first film on DVD and VHS, two copies of the second film and one of the fourth film.
  • A bunch of rubbish stuff from that awful day
  • Loads more other stuff that we are way too embarrassed to go into. Very little of it is official Nintendo merchandise mind. Some of it is totally home made too.
So, in resurrecting a feature we did four years ago Lisa wins this month's maniac award and is deserving of the title on two separate levels! Expect an interview or shaky photos of her through a window soon! She gets plus points for arranging them in colour.

PS: Also, you should check out that video because our mate Guy Cocker is in it. I'm sure he is a great guy an all but we'll be damned if we could ever get past his name.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Some Fucking Fucktards Get Annoyed About Nintendo The Week They Start Running Prime Time Adverts Addressing The Problem They Are Peeved About

Games Industry biz has the scoop parsed via Kotaku because we can't be arsed to register for GIZ! Because that means cum.

Basically, a bunch of nobodys are whinging about Nintendo not doing enough to advertise WiiWare and DSiWare and all the online stuff. Unfortunately, this coincides with Nintendo running some rather good adverts on the telly box about how to get your Wii online and why you should.

Unfortunately neither umm Pong Toss or Christmas Clix are featured in the ad.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

ONM Reader's Game of the Year

Cows!
In this month's Official Nintendo Magazine the paedo and the three five year olds are asking for readers to vote for their games of the year in various categories. I tried to find a weblink for this activity but alas! The ONM website SUCKS. Properly SUCKS. Okay. It's all here apparently.

Anyway the point of this post is that I have only played one game in all those shortlisted in all seven categories (obviously, not including Most Anticipated). The only game I have played is Dead Rising: Chop Til' You Drop which is nominated for biggest let down. Which, isn't fair. It is purely misunderstood.

Where do you people get the time to buy and play all these games? I'm a fan of gaming, a fan of Nintendo with a bit of disposable income and I haven't played a single game highly rated from the last year!? Where do the kidz get all the money?

How many have you played TGAM reader(s)?

Heavy Rain Spoilers


Hey look at this !

We are covering news on a PS3 title! Who'd have thunk it?
Basically Heavy Rain has been Rated by the ESRB and, much like Movie trailers, they have given us a preview of the best bits:

below we have a breakdown of the nudey bits: 


"The game contains sexual content and nudity."
TGAM: w00t

"Shower cutscenes may depict a male character's bare butt..." 
TGAM: Ghey. And yes, they did use the word "butt" classy.

"...if players control the female character, her breasts and buttocks are also briefly visible."
TGAM: Lady Ghey. And not to worry as soon as we get a screenie of the bewbs it'll be posted here.

"A more prolonged instance of nudity occurs during a female character's investigation of a seedy club owner: After getting him alone in a room, the player-character is asked to strip; at gunpoint, she dances topless in front of the man."
TGAM: Excellent! Degradation, Humiliation, Weapons and Bewbs... Thatguys, might be buying a PS3. 

"The game also contains a prompt-based love scene (kissing and rubbing) in which players match on-screen cues to angle characters' mouths, remove shirts and blouses, unhook bras, and lower to the floor; a woman briefly appears topless amidst the dark shadows and heavy breathing-actual sex is never depicted as the camera fades to black."
TGAM: Woah It's just like IRL! firstly you can mess up kissing, taking off clothes, unhooking bras! And secondly it's prompt based, just like real sex, but probably with marginally less disappointment and frustration.

The whole report can be seen here.

Love and hugs,

Richie 

Gears of War 3 announced!



Not really, the game is called "farcical rip off of one of the most popular game series on the xbox 360, even down to the bulky models and the animations for cover" "Quantum Theory" by your typical soulless cash in company Koei Temco

But c'mon guys! did you think people wouldnt notice? are you targeting xbox gamers that have selective Gears of War amnesia? or perhaps you are just expecting the GoWers to buy this to "try it out" destined to be traded in 12 months later for £3 ($5 for our American reader) ironically to purchase the actual GoW3 game?

Though maybe I'm being too negative, video games concepts do get copied, and perhaps this may improve on every aspect that made the GoW one of the stronger ones on the 360. HA

See ya in the bargain bin QT.

Love and unflattering clones.

Richie X

Monday, January 18, 2010

Koo-pa-pa Troop-pa-pa Thats How it Goes?

Koopa Trooper beams are gonna blind me. But I won't feel blue. Like I always do. 'Cause somewhere in the crowd there's you.

You ever thought about the Koopa in Mario Kart?
I was sick and tired of everything when I called you last night from Glasgow. All I do is eat and sleep and sing. Wishing every show was the last show. (Wishing every show was the last show). So imagine I was glad to hear you're coming. (Glad to hear you're coming). Suddenly I feel all right (and suddenly it's gonna be)and it's gonna be so different. When I'm on the stage tonight.

Tonight the Koopa Trooper lights are gonna find me. Shining like the sun. (Koop-p-pa Troop-p-per)Smiling, having fun (Koop-p-pa Troop-p-per). Feeling like a number one
Tonight the Koopa Trooper beams are gonna blind me but I won't feel blue (Koop-p-pa Troop-p-per). Like I always do (Koop-p-pa Troop-p-per). 'Cause somewhere in the crowd there's you.

When he fires green and red shells?

Tonight the Koopa Trooper lights are gonna find me. Shining like the sun. (Koop-p-pa Troop-p-per)Smiling, having fun (Koop-p-pa Troop-p-per). Feeling like a number one
Tonight the Koopa Trooper beams are gonna blind me but I won't feel blue (Koop-p-pa Troop-p-per). Like I always do (Koop-p-pa Troop-p-per). 'Cause somewhere in the crowd there's you.
Facing twenty thousand of your friends. How can anyone be so lonely? Part of a success that never ends. Still I'm thinking about you only(Still I'm thinking about you only). There are moments when I think I'm going crazy (Think I'm going crazy). But it's gonna be alright (You'll soon be changing everything). Everything will be so different. When I'm on the stage tonight

That's like dragging along a body without any arms, legs or head behind your Kart.

Tonight the Koopa Trooper lights are gonna find me. Shining like the sun. (Koop-p-pa Troop-p-per)Smiling, having fun (Koop-p-pa Troop-p-per). Feeling like a number one
Tonight the Koopa Trooper beams are gonna blind me but I won't feel blue (Koop-p-pa Troop-p-per). Like I always do (Koop-p-pa Troop-p-per). 'Cause somewhere in the crowd there's you.
So I'll be there when you arrive. The sight of you will prove to me I'm still alive.
And when you take me in your arms and hold me tight I know it's gonna mean so much tonight.

Tonight the Koopa Trooper lights are gonna find me. Shining like the sun. (Koop-p-pa Troop-p-per)Smiling, having fun (Koop-p-pa Troop-p-per). Feeling like a number one
Tonight the Koopa Trooper beams are gonna blind me but I won't feel blue (Koop-p-pa Troop-p-per). Like I always do (Koop-p-pa Troop-p-per). 'Cause somewhere in the crowd there's you.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Tekken Movie is More Hotly Anticipated Than The Next Tekken Game.

Because, let us all be honest there was no real need for there to ever be a Tekken 3 let alone 6? Are we up to six already? For God's sake I can't even be bothered to be apathetic about it. This is worse than Tomb Raider/Guitar Hero/Rock Band/Gran Turismo/Resident Evil [delete as appropriate].

LEGO TEKKEN looks good though innit?:

LEGO TEKKEN
That was just a joke. That is actually a screenshot from Tekken 5.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Resident Evil: Darkside Chronicles Unboxing and Review

Yes readers. Everyone is doing unboxing these days and pretending it is an interesting thing to do. So much like our Dead Rising unboxing we're going to go through the motions with the new Resident Evil Darkside Chronicles although this time in one big fat update rather than separate blogs for the box, disc and book and eventually game.
So we got Darkside Chronicles off the internet so no bag this time. But it did come in cellophane which is nice. Sometimes in GAME you buy a new game and it doesn't have the wrap which makes us sad. This time we know we're the first ones to see it outside of China as you might be able to make out from this image:
Shiny
We got a new phone so you can see things better in this update. So the box looks good. It has shattered glass on it which is a theme throughout the game. A nice theme mind. Naturally, once you've seen the front you have to flip her over and pretend she is a boy:
MIND BLOWING GRAPHICS
Tasty, tasty and you've got to love the unprovable claim of MIND BLOWING GRAPHICS and it isn't as if you can't stick together to STAY ALIVE because it is a shooter. On rails. There is no splitting up by definition. Still. Whack it on the box ey! We are so desensitised to back of box lies and this is a prime example why. Ridiculous claims that appear to be aimed at exciting FIVE YEAR OLDS and "screenshots" mixed with artwork. Still we are not ones to judge a game by the back of the box. Next let's look at the spine:

Oh you mother fuckers. You did not. You did not. You may not be able to tell from the above screenshot, but instead of putting the title of the game in nice understated letters on the spine, in order for the box to nicely fit on the game shelf without looking like something the aforementioned FIVE YEAR OLDS would get excited about, what has happened is nothing short of a tragedy worse than starvation and or genocide. This game had to be different with bloody great letters with some kind of edgy survival font on it. This is shit. Here is how shit it looks on the shelf:
Shit
Nice job Capcom. You might be able to make out that this is "Way to ruin the shelf". It was bad enough coping with Umbrella Chronicles' confusing capitalisations or Resident Evil 4's metal box mucking up the PlayStation 2 section but this is the pits. Ugh. So angry. Why? Why do that? Anyway disc-art next before we commit suicide. Let's see if they have 'accidentally' printed it onto a platinum disc to ruin the look of the binder whilst we are at it.

Oh no, could be worse. You might be able to make out that the Jobs a good 'un. Not quite as good as Umbrella Chronicles mind. Now there is a disc. The logos are too busy and what the hell is that usk logo? Anyways, after spinegate this is acceptable. But what does the book look like?

They've gone for the classic technique of just using the box art for the book cover. Which is fair enough I guess. A tad disappointed but to be honest the spine thing is still dominating our "fucked off meter". Now for the biggest question. Is there a notes section in the book?

That is a negative! Instead of the time-honoured notes section there are adverts for the Capcom community using characters fromsome shit franchise and another ad for yet another Capcom shoddy wiimake. By the way this is the same Capcom that was sassing off over their mature titles not being bought by the gaming public as much as they wanted? Sassing off because people don't want to buy lazy ports of games they already have? Oh no! Poor little Capcom. Best replace the notes sections in books with adverts for said wiimakes then. That'll encourage sales.

REVIEW
I'll be honest, I haven't played all of it so expect a review down the line but within an hour or so of starting up I found something to delight and two things to annoy. Bad news first I am afraid:
TYPO
TYPO in the first ten minutes. Who tested this? Fire them all, lazy bastards working minimum wage under the pretense that they will break into the industry. Ha! Not with a school boy error like this my under paid under appreciated friends.

Secondly, do I really want to see "wtf" in a Resident Evil file? The answer to this question is a short sharp and convincing no. Okay, sure the storyline in Resident Evil has never reached the heady heights of say, a direct line advert, but in previous games at least it was pretending not be a really poorly written fan fiction. Also, what kind of prick Sewer Manager; a)Keeps a diary at work b) Writes down "wtf" and c) Calls themselves Sewer Manager on their own diary. Anyway enough of dwelling on the bad. Here's the good:
Zombie Piranhas
I could go on about how all the reviews I have read so far have been uber lazy corner cutting cash in hand scribbles. But I won't. I could go on about how one reviewer complained that you had to shoot everything you saw which didn't make sense in terms of the characters and then didn't mention that at least in DC you don't have to do it to get a good score for the unlocks like you had to in Umbrella Chronicles. I could go on about how another review boo-hooed it because it "ruined the storyline" we all knew and loved from Resident Evil 2 by chopping bits about but also failed to mention that this has been happening in Resident Evils ever since Director's cut. I could mention how the levels set in the daylight look edgier than the editor of EDGE shaving the Mirror's edge logo into the sideburns of Tim Langdell with broken glass shards but I won't. All I will say is that there are ZOMBIE FUCKING PIRANHAS and that Resident Evil 6 will have to be fucking awesome to beat that.

Game of the year until Endless Ocean 2 comes out. 8/10

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Endless Ocean 2 (like Neverending Story 3)

FUCK YEAH
As you may well know 25% of Team TGAM is totally hot for swim 'em up Endless Ocean. Well guess what dilwads? Endless Ocean 2 has been dated for the 5th of February this MUTHAFUCKING year.

The first Endless Ocean was our game of the year 2007-2009 so it goes without saying that I am looking forward to Endless Ocean 2.

Some people dismiss titles like this as being too casual or easy or not really a game. Presumably these are the tards that prefer shit like Bioshock and Portal which is the casualist shit going. Get over it losers. This game is all about science and exploration and shit. You might learn a thing or two about some real animals which impresses the chicks* inifinitely more than the fact that you can do no scope headshots 1 in 15 times that you try it you lazy fucking adolescent fagballs.

Also, it will be compatible with Wiispeak so in out fantasy world where we actually enjoy online play you can speak to people you dive with as well as drawing luminous penii with the draw tool. In the first one it was pretty much just the latter.

OH SHIT WOULD YOU LOOK AT THIS FUCKING ARAPAIMA? River ecosystems FTW.
FUCK YEAH
What we hope they have changed:

1) That the characters cover up a bit more. So far I've spent about 25 hours looking right up the camel of my diver. This is titilating for the first six wanks only.

What we hope they haven't changed:

1) That there is still the option to play your own MP3s during a dive. So we can listen to Little Mermaid's Under the Sea innit? Seriously, why didn't any other Wii game have this feature? Madness.

* Or guys if Capcom Unity are reading.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

All bets are off!

First one to point out the error killed Maddie
Okay, okay, who had 1.14 on the 8th of January for Peter Molyneux to start making big huge bullshit hype claims about big games that will ultimately never be realised upon release and end up as 7/10 this-game-had-some-great-ideas-but-totally-cacked-up-the-rest?

Did anyone have that late in the year? No? Looks like 2011 will be a rollover!

To be fair to the guy, as much as we kid, Civilisation was an awesome game.

Tales of Vesperia: New Costumes

Oh for the love of everything Namco!

As if the 360 players were not whole heartedly shafted by the infinitely better PS3 version with full voice acting, new characters etc. Which incidentally may never see a non-Japanese version. They have now released PS3 only DLC with some awesome Namco tie-in costumes including Mitsurugi (Soul Calibur), Heihachi (Tekken), Kolona, and Chopin from Eternal Sonata.
Yeah well, fuck it... I suppose ToV was fun while it lasted I thrashed the game twice and wnet though the horrible "grade farming" shenanigans to go for 100%. 

I guess it's time to come to terms with the fact I wont play this Tales of Vesperia: Awesome-sauce remix.

Love and Entelexeia,

Richie :'(

Pokemon Heart Gold and Soul Silver UK release date

Official Nintendo Magazine, who actually followed us on twitter (and here we thought main stream media hated us!), announced that Pokemon Heart Gold and Soul Silver will be released in the UK/EU on 26th March 2010.

In previous years the UK/EU have always been about 6 months behind the US for Pokemon releases, presumably because of the addition of the EU languages, leaving us Poke-hardcore to rely on imports. In fact the imports were so big in the UK that the original releases of Gold/Silver in 2001, some of the more commercial shops (e.g. HMV) even stocked the US imports.

For those of you that care:

Cunzy shall be getting Soul Silver, and I shall be getting Heart Gold. 

And yes there will be a battle and it will be covered here on Thatguys...

Ho-oh and Lugia,

Richie XX

Monday, January 11, 2010

Dante's Inferno: a game with tits in it

Nuff said really.

I mean I could go on about the fantastic visual design borrowing from the many artists who have depicted scenes from the original Divine Comedy.
I could go on about the split second devil may cry-esque fighting/combo system.
I could go on about the awesome animated cut scenes.
I could go on about the division of levels into the separate levels of hell as depicted in the Divine Comedy.
I could go on about how at the start of the game you beat the crap out of death and steal his Scythe, and its resulting coolness.
I could... but...

Those tits again:

Admittedly yes these are demon tits and as much as everyone loves a couple of corrupted mammaries, there are also some nice non-demonic breasticles as seen on Dante's significant other, Beatrice at the start of the game.

Boobs and Nipples,

Richie X

Divinity II: Ego Draconis Review

Well I hadn't really heard of Divinity II (or Divinity I for that matter), it seems it's another of these under the radar titles, and given this current climate for huge releases I'm sure there are quite a few.

This one particularly piqued my interest as it is a 3rd person fantasy based RPG, It seemed very much in the same category as Dragon Age: Origins even down to the 360 HUD. However after playing this, comparing it to Dragon Age is just downright sacrilege. It is a pale imitation if anything, and offers no merits or originality for this genre.
The game starts you off as a pupil desiring to be a dragonslayer, you visit a town but in order to become a slayer you conveniently loose all your memory of fighting, It's been done in games before, it's nothing but a contrived mechanic for explaining the level-up process and class decisions, however it felt like nothing more in this game.

Now the reason this game piqued my interest was the plot and visual style, a fine mix of Dungeons and Dragons character stylings mixed with some final fantasy-esque architecture all set in a world of killing dragons. Despite this, visually (at least on the 360) is looks unfinished. It uses the Gamebryo engine as seen in Oblivion and Fallout 3, but you wouldn't believe it, the models are jagged, and the character animations flawed, the mobs seen in this game seem to be missing frames of animations even down to the simple rabbit critters seen throughout. Though this was almost a dealbreaker for me, I decided to persevere, to see what the combat system had to offer. Not much. At the start of the game you are armed only with a few skills with heart-wrenchingly long cooldowns, the battles themselves are clunky and poorly implemented with terrible targeting and a sense of non-involvement. All of which has made me decide to dump this one, part of me wished to dismiss these aesthetic and technical flaws and delve further into the plot, but it would have to be some EPIC plot to keep me trudging through defective graphics and gameplay. the other (more rational) part of me is aware that that plot will probably be as lazy as the rest of the game's implementation.

I see no reason to ever play this game when Dragon Age does pretty much everything better, It may appeal to those who have played Divinity I, but I am yet to meet someone who has.

This is probably one to miss, and yet again proves that there is a reason games go "under the radar"!

Love and HUDs

Richie X

Top 5 Tube Stations in games

Bored of video game lists? Loins not set ablaze by underground train stations? Then boy you are in the wrong place because here is TGAM's Top 5 Underground Train Stations* in games list. We may have done this list before that is how low on ideas we are.

5. Santa Destroy Tube Station.
This is one of those ones we remembered so put it in here. You don't actually do much in it and all of the stairways and doorways are blocked off with wet floor signs or red cones. There are vending machines. You get the train to fight Destroy Man.
Ha ha ha Xbox getting a Wii-port!
4. Raccoon City Tube Station.
Somehow the zombie plague has caused some underground trains to crash. Maybe they ate the driver or something and he braked too hard in his death throws. Anyway, it is a scary place and looks exactly like Santa Destroy station. Is this how all American Tube stations look? My sample size of two says yes. Also, here's a fun fact in America they call the tube (or Underground) the sub-surfarizerotor.
Mr I want to eat brains is on the track
3. Silent Hill Tube Station.
There is something inherently creepy about underground stations. Especially late at night and both Silent Hill 3 and 4 "go there" girlfriend. The one in 4 is much better and creepier especially with "Mrs. Crawlingaroundonthefloorhair report to platform 2" but there are no good images of it online.
Scary biscuits
2. Aldwych Tube Station.
This station appeared in the wasn't-as-good-as-2, Tomb Raider 3. Abandoned it had been taken of with ridiculously stereotyped Geordie homeless people (in America homeless people are called Anuses, the same word we use for arse!). It also has a bunch of train carriages just left around and Lara Croft refused to jump over the barriers (she could no doubt afford the penalty fare!) which ended up with hours of messing around to get a valid ticket with some old money. Which is bizarre because the station was open until 1994.
Hmmmmm dated well?
And now, the moment you have all been waiting for. Which one will be number one? There was strong competition from the networks and stations in Liberty City, Freedom Fighters, the new Metro Game, the Getaway and Fahrenheit (where the dead man sexing occurs!) however the overall winner is.......







1. The London Underground.
Yes the winner is the troubled Hellgate: London. Yes the Covent Garden Service Line, Northern Line and umm Leicester Square Line? are all faithfully-ish recreated in demon occupied London and in fact in hellspawn occupied Laaaaaaaaaandan the Northern Line works better than it does now. Oh ho ho ho. Oh ho ho ho. London jokes.

Just like a regular commute LOL LOL LOL

WINNER!


* Top 2 and then the next three that we could remember. I will be honest.

Friday, January 08, 2010

Gears of War 3, What needs to happen??



Meet Doppelganger, he has words...

Thanks for everyone who entered our recent competition to find a new contributor!

Some of the entries were weird (we would like to stress that we are not willing to entertain three's), some of the entries were disturbing (thanks yiffycunzylover23), and some of them were hurtful (we shan't be eating anyone's anal abortions, on fire or not)

But almost all of the entries were downright hysterical!Congrats to you all!

So we canned them, both Cunzy and I have severe insecurity issues so we chose the the most plain, boring blogger we could!

Please join me in welcoming Doppelganger!

Luv and Hugs

Richie XXX

Who wants to live forever?

Piiiikmin
Recently, we've been playing through Pikmin 2 (the wiimake) and boy it is still a great game and playing it makes us feel a little bit sad inside that a gamecube port can get us more excited than some of the latest releases. You've can't help but love the little guys and feel genuinely mortified when you see those little ghosts signalling you've just lost one.

Speaking of new releases here are our reviews of all the games to come out this month:

Bayonetta: Surprisingly good and out Devil-May-Crys Dante himself.

Darksiders: Looks like a World of Warcraft character crossed with Devil May Cry and Prince of Persia on acid. Plays like Excalibur 2555 A.D. on poppers.

Dark Void: Worse than Resident Evil 4, better than Spyborgs.

Dark Ciders: Better than Strongbow, worse than Belgian beer.

Dark Darkers 2: Pretty dark considering.

Darkstalkers: We wish.

Mass Effect 2: Will be as talked about and played as much as Mass Effect was for that week.

MAG: As much fun as those two minutes of all those other generic runny-shooty games where the HUD occupies 90% of the screen.

Army of Two, something something something: 4/10 PLEASE STOP THIS SHITTY FRANCHISE.

No More Heroes 2 Desperate Struggle: Another Casual Wii Game.

Some JRPGs for the DS: The DS now has 18000% more RPGs than the PS3 and Wii put together and literally infinite more than the 360. 7/10.

PRETTY AVERAGE start to the year with a couple of exceptions. Until next time.

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

Omastar Comics #25

Today Omastar puts his money where his mouth is and predicts that one day, many millions of years into the future sentient beings will extract discharge from a Miltank, wait for it to go off and then eat it after dinner with crackers.

Where the hell do you get this stuff Omastar? That's CRAZY TALK.

Cranidos ain't believing none of it

Almost as bad as that time he had a nightmare that beings would cut up Octillerys and eat them in a LASAGNA.

Thatguys a year in review 2009


So what did we do in 2009?

1. Richie bought the Steelseries WoW Mouse.

The post was a huge rant on the technical problems of the WoW Mouse, in fact Richie was one of the first to review it, being among the first to receive it.
WoWInsider (wow.com) picked us up (for the second time) and plugged us. The gist of the review was: The mouse was a pile of wank, and as it stands, it still is... We are still getting comments and hits from Google on this one.

Post Score: 7/10. Good content, good hit generation, though justified it was a bit ranty and tl;dr.


2. We got a rise out of Kotaku.

After spending the better part of 2008 sending in "Tips" we finally got some response and Acknowledgement from the Kotakians.
Some people got it, some people honestly thought we were being serious and didnt understand "tips"

Post Score: 9/10. Hilarious throughout.


3. Exclusive coverage on Sheva Nude Cheat.

Just a joke. Some hastily knocked up pictures of boobs on Sheva in MS Paint. A year or so later we are still inundated with hits from Google of people looking for Sheva Porn. We would say sorry to the pervs for misleading them, but we don't care enough.

Post Score: 5/10. We are Lying badmen, thought it still makes us laugh.


4. We made a MyBrute.

And then we tried to invite the entire internet community to challenge us. Then we got bored and stopped going to the MyBrute site.

Post Score: 2/10. It spanned several posts, and none of them were even slightly interesting.


5. We found the sixth form of Rotom.

We edited the Rotom sprite to make it look like a Vibrator, even down to the clit stimulator...

Post Score: 6/10. We didn't even get cease and desist from Nintendo.


6. We thought about Natal.

And how we could use it as a coitus scheduler with achievements.

Post Score: 6/10.
The Achievement names were funny.


7. We commented on girls/women in the industry.

Mostly as a rebuttal to some PMS-ing idiot claiming that portrayal of women in games is still unjust.

Post Score: 7/10. An age old argument and a wonderful reason to be satirically sexist.


8. We had an Epic Pokemon battle.

Through the year we each trained up 6 of our favourite Pokemon to level 100. Quite a big undertaking, much of the year was spent drying to discern whet Pokemon the other was training up. In the end Richie won, though there is dispute as to whether Dragon Pokemon are HaXX.

Post Score: 7/10.
If you care in the slightest, it was Epic.


9. We took a racist poster and made it homophobic.

It's a skill.

Post Score: 8/10. It needed done.


10. We coined a new measurement of time.

TTECNK, Time it Takes the Escapist to Copy News from Kotaku.

Post Score: 6/10. It needs to catch on more.


11. We asked a genuine question to the guy who did the Timesplitters 2 Music.

And got a response.

Post Score: 8/10. Part of the post wasn't written by either Cunzy or Richie.


12. We came up with the Gamer Laureate.

Personal and potential goal for Thatguys.

Post Score: 8/10.
It must happen.


13. Richie was Right.

Dragon Ball: Raging Blast was delayed.

Post Score: 3/10. Nobody cared.


14. We interviewed Leigh Alexander.

Actually we didn't, but we made a joke about it and then she commented saying we could have actually interviewed her.
It still counts, in the same way as hearing your neighbours having sex and then wanking along with them counts as a threesome.

Post Score: 8/10. We actually have interviewed people in the past, so it's not like we are pathetic or anything.


15. Our hate for Kotaku grew.

As they sit back in smug ignorance.

Post score: 8/10. There is a sincere amount of venom conveyed in that one.


16. We invented #microfanfic.

A fanfic small enough to fit into one "Tweet".

Post Score: 5/10. Looses points for involving twitter.


In conclusion, another year and we have still got no credibility in the industry.

Fuck you internets.


Love and Hugs,

Richie and Cunzy.

Dragon Age: Awakening Update

Dragon Age full on added expansion!!



- Unlock the secrets of the Darkspawn and their true motivations
- Rebuild the Grey Warden order and establish their base of operations at Vigil's Keep
- Shape your entire experience based on the choices you make and how your handle complex situations
- Import your character from Dragon Age: Origins or start anew as a Grey Warden from the neighboring land of Orlais
- Encounter five all-new party members and an old favorite from Dragon Age: Origins
- Put your skills to the test against an evolved, intelligent breed of Darkspawn and other menacing creatures including the Inferno Golem and Spectral Dragon!

I will Bioware, I will...

Love and Crushing Prison,

Richie.

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

Dragon Age: If you havent played it yet, do it!

Ok
I should have mentioned this before, but I love Dragon Age: Origins. It's a great wee game, brilliantly acted and interestingly balanced, anyone that likes RPGs should get this one.


Yes it is Tolkien-esque, Dwarves, elves, magic etc. Though I have been told that many of the plot elements in it are very similar to the "Wheel of time" series of books.


Recently Kotaku did a post on the Voice acting in Mass Effect 2, but I'd like to give the voice acting in Dragon Age a quick nod, it's not as star studded but there are some classic voices:

Tim Curry: Arl Howe

Kate Mulgrew (AKA Captain Janeway): Flemeth

Claudia Black (Farscape, Stargate): Morrigan

There are a few other voices in there that you may recognise but well, they are just not as famous... there's Tuvok from Star Trek: Voyager too (playing an Elf).

I have been ploughing through the achievements as a sort of guideline to seeing most of the plot in Dragonage, there are a few decisions you can reach in the game which spawn different events, its not always black and white, though there is usually a good/bad outcome to the major decisions you make in the game (though after reviewing the consequences in many of these I would say the evil choices do present you with better rewards). The banter between characters is also great, I would stress that you take appropriate characters along with you for the areas you are doing, just for this. Most of the time you will be fine on casual/normal, it's only really on hard you need to worry about classifying characters as Tanks, Heals, Crowd control and Damage.

On starting I created a Human Female Mage, I have taken her (and the 2 other Mages) down the Arcane Warrior specialisation, this is possibly one of the cooler mechanics I have seen in an RPG, if the player unlocks then chooses this specialisation, it changes your Magic Stat into your Strength stat, i.e you will now be able to wear top end armours and use large weapons. taking further points in this specialisation makes you take less damage, increases damage based on your magic. On top of all that, you go see-through and have some really cool effects around you.

As you are playing through there are succinct sections to the game, when you reach the end of one of these sections you will likely get a plot achievement however most of these are just based on a dialogue option so if you have a save just before it, load it up and choose the other option to get the opposing achievement. The game however demands at least 3 playthroughs achievement-wise Once as a mage, once as a Rogue, and once as a Warrior (well at the very least get them to level 20, there are HAXXORZ to do this quickly). And you need to see each of the 6 starting zones (30-90 minutes of plot each) and also shag 4 people in your party 2 of which are bi, and the other 2 have to be shagged on a Male or Female character as they don't flip-flop.

The remaining achievements are mainly accumulative, "kill X of these", "Persuade X times", etc. Aside from one last one which is really annoying me, "Set foot in every area in the game" and it's just impossible at my current point in the game...

But anyways.

New DLC is available soon, despite delays! And in March a new starting story, content and equipment DLC expansion :D

Love and Grey Wardens,

Richie X