Metroid Prime 3 A REVIEW OF SORTS Part 1

Dear all. We have only just finished Metroid Prime 3: Corruption but before snarky web morons laugh out loud and then point out that it took us three years to complete a game, we would like to qualify that it took us 22 hours actually. We had other stuff to do between 2007 and now.

The Other Stuff We Did
  1. Didn't spend all our time on Internet forums complaining about how we might have to dust off our Wii because we play every single game that comes out to completion in about two days because we are school-aged losers who have no other life to speak of.
  2. Competitive sports. The manly ones.
  3. Talking about cars. We like the ones with alloys on the pistons.
  4. Trying to get platinum medals for everything on Timesplitters Future Perfect even though officially we pretend the series stopped at 2.
  5. Emailing Penny Arcade monthly or so with various ruses. They are either so cunning they see through our excellent ruses or they don't read 90% of the shit most people send them.
  6. Lying to our younger cousin that we were "pro Super Smash Brothers" players. Then keeping up the lie by occasionally randomly taking away all the gamecube pads and by wearing sweat bands around our wrists after a visit to 'physio'.


So as you can see we've been pretty busy, too busy to play ONE OF THE BEST GAMES OF ALL TIME. Let alone Metroid Prime 3 which annoyingly abbreviates to MP3. MP3:C if we're being particular. Particularly anal.

THE REVIEW PROPER
In proper reviews like in magazines, this part of the review is normally reserved for dwelling on stuff related to the prequel and made up Internet opinions. If it is a Sonic game then this paragraph should be about how Sonic games used to be good,then they went bad, but maybe this one will be good again. That was fine until Sonic Rush came out but sometimes you catch lazy writers still doing it to make copy. Making copy is what us games journalists say when we mean dicking around. Basically, fill this bit with nothing which actually helps the consumer decide on whether or not they should part with their mother's hard earned cash to buy the game being reviewed over any other poorly marketed multi million game created by hundreds of talented individuals who couldn't manage to pull their shit together in time for launch and so we'll ship it with bugs in the case of PC games* or in the case of a console game WE CAN DO WHATEVER WE WANT BECAUSE NOBODY READS REVIEWS. Sometimes though in magazines journalists, under the enormous unique pressure of having a job like 70% of the rest of the country, just can't be bothered or get given the review of Endless Ocean 2 to do last minute so they start it with this shit:

Type 'funny surfer dude' into YouTube and you get a cracking, irony-free clip of a chap eloquently expressing the joys of surfing. It's hard to tell whether he's been shot with a shark tranquilliser, hit by a bus or just swallowed too much seawater. Is he for real? Is he having a laugh, sending up surfer culture live on US telly? Who can tell. We're in a similar predicament with this game. What on earth is it? Relaxation aid? Watery adventure? Yo! Sushi video installation?

With Clearly Concussed Surfer Dude, it didn't matter what he was blathering on about, it was just hilarious to watch. And with the first Endless Ocean, there was a curious satisfaction to be had despite not really knowing what you were meant to be doing, if you were doing anything in the first place. You swam about, looked at fish and completed the odd task, all in your own time. It was pleasant, but we hardly felt like we were playing a game. It was like a holiday from gaming, a contradiction in terms that wasn't quite as horrible as it sounds.


However, this game is three years old. Nobody will be reading this to see if they should buy it or not. Three years old might as well be the Upper Eocene in gaming. Gamers appear to be so fickle sometimes it's no wonder Capcom just release Resident Evil every six weeks and nobody notices. Oh god, sorry don't click that link that was not the correct one. I wanted to link to something I wrote on videolamer but instead I linked to a horrid horrid drawing of Sheva from Resident Evil rubbing lady bumps with Jade from Beyond Good and Evil. In conclusion, this review does not need the rambly bit at the beginning so let's rejoin it when we've reached our stride.....

Wait, we need a picture.

Unfortunately, this is not a picture from the game. This is a picture we took at 4am in the morning on Super Smash Brothers Brawl. If we do say so ourselves the composition is exquisite. Annoyingly, you can't get a glimpse of Peach's lacy knickers in the trophy room in SSBB unlike SSB. Someone must have complained so now the skirt is solid underneath. You can still set up a two player match and play as both characters and get some good knicker shots though, if you are patient. There was one screenshot I took where it looks like fire is coming from Peach's nether regions. I intend to use it one day but looking it up now and posting it is a bit weird. Did you also know that in the not-as-busy-as-it-was SSBB community you have to pretend that every upskirt Peach picture you take is a "random pause". That way, the one girl in the community won't think you are a massive perve who waits for his girlfriend to go to bed so you can stay up trying to get a good shot of Peach's biff. You always feel horrible afterwards anyway.
Metroid Prime 3 is the first Metroid game I have played. I watched my friends play Super Metroid many years ago and I just didn't get it. The fiction didn't fit with the genre. How is a Space thing a side scrolling platformer? An Egg with boxing gloves, fine. A Wonder boy? No problem. A boy who can change costumes? Makes sense. But a space robot thing? No way. The space future is supposed to be about flying around and flying along and lasers. Not carefully negotiating a series of tricky jumps. Also,the game was far too Japanese for my liking. A robot thing that shoots robot things and then curls up into a ball. How does she do that? Has she had ribs removed like Prince? Where did that rumour come from? Anyway,my first experience of Metroid left me thinking about putting my willy in my own face. You can see why I was put off.
The next time I encounter Samus is in Super Smash Brothers. Jeez. This is the third time I have mentioned SSB in a supposed review of MP3. That is some bad reviewship there readers. That is the second thing they tell you at Games Journalist School**

The Rules of Games Journalism
1 Fight club is 11 years old. Officially, that 'joke' is dead. To be honest it was dead on arrival. Wasn't even a joke in the first place and barely a joke thereafter.
2 If you are writing for any kind of Official XXXXX Magazine then do your level best to ignore the whole rest of non-proprietary gaming endeavours up until this point and in fact the whole of wider culture. Just compare this game to the last one in the genre and give it 90% if your employers published it.
3. Spaced is 9 years old.
4. If you are captioning a screenshot where someone has fire coming out of their mouth, butt strongly consider making a joke about curry, or better still, specifically Vindaloo.
5. Never ridicule the reader for being a lonely virgin.

So like a reverse time traveller I jumped into the Metroid franchise at the end. Which later turned out to be the penultimate installment. Subsequently, upon GETTING 100% in MP3:C I have gone and read some of the reviews at the time when MP3:C launched. Apparently, a lot of the 'Metroid Hardcore' were pissed off at MP3:C which means nothing. For all intents and purposes in the real world, the Metroid Hardcore might as well be elves. Or bed monsters. They don't exist. They can never form themselves into a body or people with any kind of influence or power and are of no consequence. These people exist as a group on the internet only. Like fat people or INSERT AMERICAN FOOTBALL REFERENCE HERE TO KEEP THE YANKS READING. So the Metroid hardcore had issues with the game. Such game breaking problems like the fact Samus could now jump. Or some such. Trawling three year old comments makes everyone sound like such a priss. Was I that prissy in 2007. TOTAL PRISS.
Oh look at me, loads of silly words and no review yet I must be Tim fucking Rogers. Where's my mixed praise and backhanded compliments from the "industry".
Can you believe that on the Official Nintendo Magazine podcast, they don't reveal the scores they give in the mag because they might be spoilers? So they talk about the games a whole bunch and then don't reveal any of the scores. THAT IS WRONG WAY ROUND WORLD LADS. Metroid Prime 3: Corruption SPOILERS SPOILER SPOILERS 86%.



*As of launch, the PS3 and the Xbox 360 count as PCs now.
** Read 'when you do an English degree at any University in the world'.

Comments

Matthew said…
That was completely mad and I loved it.

Although I know you were being funny, I absolutely can empathize with the first third of this review. There's no way to keep up to date on videogame reviews unless you have absolutely no responsibilities. SUCK IT EVERYONE, IMMA POST REVIEWS WHENEVER I WANT!
Pisspants said…
Damn you and your subtle ruses. Thought i was getting Sheva norks. Video lamer cnuts.
Cunzy11 said…
Sorry Pisspants, we will stop doing that soon.

Matthew, tell me about it. Already there are morons claiming to be 'done' with MHTri. I'm thinking maybe I'll pick it up before 2011? You know after I get through the 'stack' first.

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