Friday, August 31, 2007

Rock band vs Guitar Hero

It’s the new Mario vs Sonic and not the new Olympics game*, I mean classic fucking Mario Vs Sonic like: Super Mario World vs Sonic 2 (ah those were the days)

Well for those of you who don’t know Rock band is and online version of Guitar hero with loads of new attachments to play all the different sections, guitar, bass/rhythm, drums, and singing. Recently it was delayed (RE: Kotaku) till 2008, and I found myself not caring, and in fact scrolling slightly further up the page to check on the Guitar hero 3 updates. Now as with all computer games “versus” situations there will be split factions i.e. in this case Guitar hero fanboys and Rock band fanboys. Right now I think I’m sitting on the Guitar hero fanboy side, purely because guitar her takes itself as a game, Rock band seems like it is trying to be a grown up sophisticated version of Guitar hero, which is slightly preposterous given that you are using a toy guitar…

Reasons Rock Band will fail:
- Too much money on gimmicky peripherals
- Guitar hero is already an established “brand”
- Guitar hero 3 will be out BEFORE Rock band.
- Online playability might be a bit weird for a team effort especially the singing bit
- They have the same songs. That’s right, the same songs, so far there have been 2 of the same tracks so far announced for both games.



Anyways, undoubtedly I’ll get both… and still suck.

* Incidentally, this game, could it be good? I mean I know every one is saying sonic will win, but I mean there will be jumping events, which I believe Mario has the upper hand with… stay tuned for later posts

Not again...

Goddammit! another year another fucking Dragonball Z game!

EVERY YEAR at the same time (end October) Atari bring out another Dragonball Z game each time more refined or with more characters. Oh and every fucking year it gets delayed! Even if it is just a couple of weeks. I don’t think I even care about Dragonball Z any more, however I will follow the release of this game with a morbid fascination. Right anyways so right now the game is pegged for 26th October, but I am going to hazard a guess that the game will be released on November 16th. Watch this space. Oh and even though I don’t care about Dragonball Z anymore, and that there are many more games that I am looking forward too. I will probably still buy this game.

If you care about the previous Dragonball "late October" releases.

2003 - Dragonball Z: Budokai 2
2004 - Dragonball Z: Budokai 3
2005 - Dragonball Z: Budokai Tenkaichi
2006 - Dragonball Z: Budokai Tenkaichi 2

Kame-pishy-hame-fucking-ha

[Insert Sad-Sad Smiley]

Thursday, August 30, 2007

The war that nearly was

So recently we were involved in a bit of a spat with those kooky fellas over at Stupid Fucking Customers and then we were graced with the presence of both of the two angry men from Two Angry Men and then some minors and anonymooses popped over to say things like "Cunts" and other such pillow talk. However, it didn`t really end up as a fullly blown blog war for the following numbered listed reasons:

1) That bint at HR made a cock up with the annual leave arrangments so both Richie and I were on holiday at the same time. ROOKIE ERROR. Never abandon your post just after leaving childish comments on other two male 20 something oh-I´m-so-witty-in-my-own-head white text on black background blogs. The only time in history we´ve had more than one reader (including authors) and there was no one around to call other men gays. HR bint has subsequently been fired and she can think about her mistake as she packs little Johnny off to school with clothes four sizes too small this term.

2) There was no real war to be had. You just can´t generate good rapport when everyones stance is "Your {sic.} gay more like". Someone needs to be trying to take the moral high ground before being reduced to our level. It just breaks down if everyone is pretending to be everyone else.

3) Our hearts weren`t really in it either. Stupid Fucking Customers and two angry men are both good sites which we read regularly. In fact I`d go as far to say that the problem was we (us and SFC) were too similar. We all hate the Wii, we`ve both had pictures on UK:R (Ours was uncredited!), we all have way too much time on our hands, both sites have the gay man-straight man set up and of course the white text on black background. We are all cunts it`s just that they are the other side of the counter.

4) Still we got a bit of traffic from the exchange so our new epitaph will read "Did that shit blog which had a bit of traffic that time". Yeah, we are going to be buried together, homôphobes.

So that was that. It filled the blog out a bit during a time when there are no good games out at the moment absolutely nothing. Bioshock doesn`t count as people are only buying it because they think it is Biohazard. Stop trading on Capcom`s good name. Cunts.

Next week on TGAM:

Sony talks about thinking about releasing some games. Nintendo thinks about talking about releasing some games. Punisher 2 reviewed: SPOILERS this time it`s set in Alaska and the punisher is a woman with superhuman strength who takes on evil polar bears who may or may not have stolen some of her food from her tent whilst she was ice hole fishing. PLUS: We use Ice hole fishing as a very un-subtle euphemism for frigging.

Until next time!

Friday, August 24, 2007

Manhunt 2: The Real Scoop. Update 3 Final

So it finally got a release!

If you want any more info please checkout:

Any other Games news site.

All we at thatguys care about is:

Manhunt 2: Blood and Gore, Intense Violence, Strong Language, Strong Sexual Content and Use of Drugs.

Nice.

Laters

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Position Vacant

Position Vacant: Videogames (or related) blog to War with.

The position will be in a submissive role. To the second greatest videogames blog of all time: Thatguys.co.uk.

Warring on post by post basis, commenting on the flaws in each others posts.

Qualifications:
* Able to argue at a 12 year old level. E.g. “Takes one to know one.”
* Finds talk of genitals hilarious E.g. “Willy”
* Must have plenty of web traffic (so we can steal it)

Desirable
* Pokemon Diamond/Pearl
* Lady bits

Please submit your Blogs/comments to: thatguysamaniac@googlemail.co.uk

Wnak.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Stupid Fucking Site More Like

So everyone on the internet likes to whinge but there is nothing worse than a loser and a not so loser that like to whinge about their shitty job, online, whilst they work at their shitty job.

Go here to read this big bag 'o' shite.



Here are the problems with the website "I'm a stupid customer service nerd" in a numbered list:



1) They whinge all the time about how crappy their job is yet never do anything about it like skim people's credit cards or leave the store unlocked on purpose.

2) It's as if they haven't seen Clerks or understand that they just come off as whiney nerds. Everyone has worked shit jobs but most of us managed to move on with our lives.

3) The woman (Mario Mark) almost never talks about women's issues such as periods, pregnancy boobs or grief online. Get with it bird.

4) They so desperately want to be UK:Resistance that they write about it in the comments all the time and steal their posts and spend most of the day in the work toilets furiously masturbating over a fantasy email from Zorg. It's never going to happen losers.

5) They pretend to be men on the internet. That is so early 90s. You can practically smell rag juice on each and every post. The smell is worse around the 24th of the month.

6) One of them, the gay one, pretends that 'he' has a girlfriend. Sometimes 'he' pretends they are married.

7) Most of the comments are between the blog writers. SAD.

8) Phorenzik has pretended to give up smoking for 10 days. We all know you have had a secret packet and have smoked at least twice every day.

9) They take photos of each other and then give them nicknames like "Smells of piss sandles man" and pretend they are customers.

10) They hide behind fake names and identities which is so weak. They won't even reveal which store they work in in case the manager finds out they've been clam-kissing behind the counter and closing the shop for twenty minutes.

11) Their website looks shit. White writing on a black background is the colours paedos use to groom underage dogs.

12) They are rubbish at games but pretend they are good.

13) They post fake interviews with celebrities. Gheeeeeeey.

14) Mario Mark is in love with phorenzik but phorenzik is assexual and really enjoys poetry.



Get a life guys and get off the internets. Boo hoo your life is rubbish and only the other spods from UK:Resistance pay attention to your depserate cries for help. Do the world a favour ladies, have one last double douche in the bath then slit each others wrists using a Wiimote. Then when you both realise that it wasn't that bad phone the ambulance and cry down the phone. I bet the only person to miss you would be your manager but only after a month when he realises that the counter has stopped smelling of fresh squadge.



Noogins.



Cunzy1 1 and Richie

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

The problem with Fan Fictions, Fan art, Fan subs and dubs and Fan videos summed up with one image

Some of you might say that there is a lot wrong with ffics, fsubs, fdubs, fvideos and fart but all in all I don't hate it all. I do hate Linkin Park ruining an otherwise lovely, well put together machinima, GMV or AMV or whatever the fuck Wikipedia tells you you should be calling your creative output. However, the whole enterprise is often completely ruined by one little thing and the picture below sums it all up completely.
You've ruined it for yourselves and everybody
Here is a nice image, a nice concept, some good art, nice composing, good perspective, nice lighting, it ties in with the storyline, it's dramatic, nicely rendered oh yeah but DON'T FORGET TO PUT A SNIPPET OF AERIS BIFF IN. Oh and now you've gone and ruined it for everyone.
So here is another public service notice to the thousands, if not millions of gamers and gamer fans hemorrhaging content onto the internet.

DEAR GEEK
OTHER PEOPLE WOULD TAKE YOU A SMIDGE MORE SERIOUSLY IF YOU WEREN'T SO PREOCCUPIED WITH RAPE, TITS, UPSKIRTS, OMINOUS BULGES and CLOUD STRIFE. SQUEENIX WILL NOT EMPLOY YOU FIRSTLY BECAUSE THEY DON'T TRAWL SHITTY ANIME FAN PITS FOR FUTURE ARTISTS OR STORY WRITERS AND SECONDLY THEY WON'T BE HAPPY WITH THE UBER EMPHASIS ON ALL OF THEIR CHARACTERS HUMPING AND COMING. BTW THE CHANCES OF COMING, OR CUMMING, AS YOU PUT IT ARE SEVERELY DIMINISHED WHEN EVERYONE IS DOING EVERYONE ELSE IN THE SHITTER.

For fuck's sake guys.

Cunzy1 1

P.S Would, would and wouldn't.

Monday, August 20, 2007

STOP FEMINISTS!!!

This image says to me that all women are for sexing in the bum and winking. Thank you nintendo for changing my view on the women. We all know that there is a 101 things you could probably say about this picture being overly sexist and chauvinistic. There is Princess Peach using her bum as a weapon. What undertones! and Overtones! We all know it's so wrong and so demeaning especially with the wink as well. It would be really serious and perhaps spark debates amongst feminists. However, she is a Princess of a Mushroom Kingdom and she is named after a piece of fruit. Kind of undermines the whole argument doesn't it?

Non-lazy feminist gamers might point out the merits of using the Princess as a character in Super Smash Brothers Melee, disspelling the rumour that she is a weak character if used by someone who knows her moves. They might even link to a Youtube video showing some of her greatest combos. They might go one step further and say that at least she gets to play golf and tennis competitively against the men and giant lizards of the Mushroom Kingdom which is more than real life athletes can.

Uber lazy feminist gamers might do a post about how Nintendo are as bad as Sony and how as part of this week's destroying chauvinism they will be protesting against the purchase of Beyonce and Shakira singles, albums and MP3s on their website because they promote the use of epileptic bum and belly shaking to sell music. They should also point out that the perspective of this screenshot shows a pokeball touching her hair and if that isn't some reference to sex, well, Disgusting.

Image from the wonderful Super Smash Brothers Dojo site. By wonderful I mean sexist and demeaning.

On the Horizon Part 34

So what have we got to look forward to?

Assassins Creed [Xbox 360] [PS3]

Stealthy, 3rd persony slash-em-up set in medieval times for the next gen. Of course it looks pretty its next-gen, pretty comes as standard. Now everyone seems quite keen for this badboy to come out, but aside from it being a “launch” title (i.e. we knew about this one before the 360 was released). I still worry that this will be shite.

Heavenly Sword [PS3]

3rd persony slash-em-up set in a fantasy world for the next gen. Of course it looks pretty its next-gen, pretty comes as standard. Now everyone seems quite keen for this badboy to come out, but aside from it being a “launch” title (i.e. we knew about this one before the PS3 was released). I still worry that this will be shite. Boobies.

Halo 3 [Xbox 360]

Next up ol Master Chief himself has returned for the 360, more shooting aliens, more laser swords, more classic FPS. In a world where FPS’s are standard, what makes this one stand out from the crowd? Answer: It doesn’t stray too far from the FPS formulae, it controls well, the plot is epic, and it has ALL the multiplayer options you could want and some. Xbox live will be heaving with shouts of n00b, and repeated pressing of the squat button for corpse humping. I don’t think it is possible for this game to go wrong.

Devil may Cry 4 [Xbox 360] [PS3] [PC]

Oh Wnak! Dante is back and with a sexy new sidekick, seriously it doesn’t matter what anyone says, this game will have it all, even DMC2 which is the worst of the lot, its still way more fun than 99% of games out there, the ultimate slashy-shooty 3rd person game. Every game wishes it was as cool as this (RE: Assassins Creed, Heavenly Sword).

Resident Evil: Umbrella Chronicles [Wii]

Interesting one this, some Resident evil FPSing on the Wii, the previous Resident evil: Survivor games were shite to say the least! But at least this one has the characters and locations from RE0/1 and (OMG!!) Raccoon City rendered again! Oh how I pine for RE2/3 remade for the Wii maybe a bit of over-the-shoulder shooting? Leon is used to it by now.

Resident Evil 5 [Xbox 360] [PS3]

Wow, Resident evil 5 can’t wait, but there is no way in hell I’m holding my breath for it, I guarantee that it will be delayed and delayed. Chris Redfield returns to fight Zombies in Africa (Maybe Zombies? who knows? I mean RE4 was good but it did bother me that they were not really zombies, they were just people infected with some ancient insect) Seems to be a bit more intuitive a mix of classic 3rd person and the over-the-shoulder seen in RE4.

Guitar hero 3 [Xbox 360] [PS3] [PS2]

Guitar hero’s next incarnation, I’m already sold on the tracks they have added in. but there is additions of boss battles and new modes. I don’t see how this wont be an instant hit, in fact fuck it, I’m pre-ordering this right now… Oh? Turns out I can’t yet, seems that it may be a while before it comes out. Fingers X’ed that it is some time this year

Sub note:
Guitar hero DS [DS]

Guitar hero for the DS, with a crazy attachment thingy, looks cool, but there is no way in goods green earth you could be seen in public playing it.

Pokemon Battle Revolution [Wii]

More pokemonage, lets you see all 486 pokemon in glorious 3D with SLOW drawn-out battles, and inevitable buy, but very apprehensive at the same time.

Rock band [PS3] [Xbox 360]

Hmm, a grown-up sophisticated Guitar hero, with hundreds of attachments, despite it being more guitar hero. I have a feeling it will fall flat on its face, due to the costs of the new equipment and the fact that guitar hero is already much more established.

GTA 4 [Xbox 360] [PS3] [PC]

We know the script with this one, cars, guns, plot, huge city. It was delayed recently, and I only hope it was to clean things up a bit. One of my major problems with GTA:SA was that everyone said that it was so pretty. Well when I looked at GTA:SA, I looked past the flare effects and I saw a “lego” world, even Carl looked like he was made of lego everything is intensely polygon-y. Then when I saw the trailer for GTA4 I see the main character, and what do I immediately think? “Polygon-y”. We cant let Rockstar get away with this! It’s Next-gen, everything is supposed to be round. It’s a bigger scandal than Manhunt 2!

Smash bros Brawl [Wii]

Wow! Cannot wait for this! SSB revamped again with more characters, power-up, pickups. And for the love of god, get Sonic in there! Expected to hit EU late 2009 Stupid Nintendo.

Two Worlds [Xbox 360] [PS3] [PC]

Odd one this, I threw it in because I’m kinda looking forward to it. It is due out at the end of the week, and nowhere has officially reviewed it. It is Oblivion with multiplayer support and dual wielding. From the previews I have seen, it is getting rather mixed reviews, varying from 5/10 to 9/10.

Starcraft 2 [PC/Mac]

What more needs to be said Starcraft=amazing, therefore Starcraft 2 = Twice as amazing. Simple Maths.

World of Warcraft Expansion 2 [PC/Mac]

Blah blah blah lvl 80, new class, new place to fight. Just more and more bait, to throw your money in the big WoW pit.

In other news GameFAQs are doing that Character battle thing. Once again this year I have spent no time in thinking out my application and have just chose at random a few of the characters I know. I believe that the final two will be Sephiroth and Kratos, stupid fanboys. Though I would be interested to see that fight…

Omastar Comics #8

This week in Omastar Comics, the web's 2871st most popular gaming webcomic, Omastar weighs up fatherhood or a career. A decision that all fictional cephalopods have to make at one point or another in their lives.

Oh shut up Kabutops just because you are a woman does not make you opinion count anymore than Omastar's!

We're applying for a job at Joystiq

They put out a call to all bloggers as they are looking for some weekend staff. So we thought we would apply. Why not? Well because Joystiq is a bit of an in joke for all gamers. And as with all great humour, you should never have to explain your own joke. So we're going to explain our own joke:

Joystiq is a site that has ambitions. It so desperately wants to be Kotaku that it regularly steals posts from it except the posts are never as good. Also, they have stolen a site design from the early 1990s and I think you'll agree that it looks like one of those sites you get when you accidentally type http://www.hotmaik.com/ or if you type "bored at work" into a web browser.

So here's the application and before you start it does look like we are a bit ghey for Kotaku. That's not neccessarily the case but they are the best place for regularly updated gaming news.


Dear Nintendo Blogger at Gmail
This here email is an answer to the ‘call for bloggers’. We’ll get straight to the point, we really like Nintendo, except for the dark years when they abandoned us and the Gamecube and then more recently when they stopped making games for the Wii. However, the DS is still alive and kicking so we’ll go on about that.

Here are the three sample posts as required for the application:

1) We're applying for a job at Joystiq
Basically, we just added this post to our sample posts. I'm not typing out again in full as it will get complicated. This was mostly added though because the job application was tagged "meta". I didn't know that people still used that as a tag.

2) A new Resident Evil DS?

I'm going to wash that man right out of my hair...Yes, yes there is but it isn't Resident Evil Deadly Silence, it's Resident Evil Douche Simulator! We have insider information from someone currently testing the game. You'll be able to douche some of your favourite characters from the series racing against the clock to 'fresh that fem'.



It was revealed to us that there will (surprise surprise) be unlockable characters. One of which is Zombie Female 3 from Resident Evil 2. Capco said:




"she has green and bloody Douche-juice"



Of course she does Cacpom. Of course she does. Expect to see it hit shelves in August and probably stay there for two days before being replaced with Sponge Bob Squarepants meets Catz: Barbie Princess Army Men.



3) New Wii Lunch Title Announced!

Today Nintendo announced WWi: Childbirth. The game, aimed at the female market, comes with a foetal attachment. Players then insert the controller, (umbilical chord) nunchuck and foetal attachment into the appropriate body cavity and then have to give birth within a time limit. On screen is a vaginal tearometer as well as an oxygen gauge for the baby. If the oxygen gauge reaches critical, players then have to wave the foetal attachment to get the baby to "wake up" or press the A button (ABORT) on the controller. If the vaginal tearometer reaches critical then players can attempt to stitch it up with a Wi-Fi connection to a special version of Trauma Center: Under the Knife.

The Foetus attachment comes in a range of colours to match the range of colours for the controller. Whether or not a blue version has been considered is unknown at this point.

This revolutionary game will give women who haven't yet had children an excuse to actually experience how painful childbirth is, to then invoke it as "The most painful thing a human being has to endure" to all males nearby. Also men can play it but with obvious biologically incorrect implementation.

Labels: ,

Published Works
Everything at http://www.thatguys.co.uk/ except for the bits we just ripped from UK:R and the posts that were inspired by Kotaku but hey! You guys know all about that.
Everything at Cunzy11’s Dinosaurs in games
Omastar Comics
All of this

A short bio
Here is our short bio, with a section after framed within the ‘requirements’ section you set on the application.

We are two UK women, Cunzy1 1 and Richie and we have been gaming together for years and blogging about games together for just over a year and a half. We originally started blogging because we were concerned that women gamers were massively discriminated against online, in magazines and even offline. However, every man, women and dog had jumped on that bandwagon and it turns out that all women wanted to say is “I’m a woman”. After that they didn’t really have anything else to add. Have you checked Guilded Lilies recently or what about Hellbound Angels they used to be good? Snooze-a-rama. So we set out doing our own thing and speaking for the common gamer without any of the pretentiousness of EDGE, the childlike Americanism of\Gamespot or the bare-faced plagiarism of Joystiq. Soon after that Cunzy1 1’s dinosaurs in game site split off and lately we have had renowned success as the authors of Omastar Comics, the 2700th most popular gaming webcomic in the world. Last year we scientifically proved that we are the second greatest videogame blog in the world so you might want to check that too, go here. Anyway, you need us more than you need to change your page formatting so do give us a shout. We don’t have anything to do at the weekend save for earning those last few bits in Advance Wars War Room, oh and getting the UFO bits in AC:WW and walking the Nintendogs, Brain Training and berry picking on Pokemon so we estimate we could do as many posts as kotaku do. Which, we guess is the answer you want right?

A real enthusiasm for and knowledge of the Nintendo Wii and DS.
We have a real enthusiasm for and knowledge of the Nintendo Wii and DS. This can be highlighted by the number of posts we do at Thatguys.co.uk about the Wii and DS. To be honest, I don’t have too much of an enthusiasm for the Nintendo Wii because I don’t really like the Legend of Zelda and they haven’t released any other games yet. Still, I am sure that Super Smash Brothers Brawl is going to be good and Pokemon Battle Revolution should be fun for all of half an hour. As for the Nintendo DS I have every version of the Lite, including the Pikachu Yellow and the New Brain Training Cherry editions. The platform is really good and my enthusiasm is real.

A reliable connection to the internet (obviously!)
We have this but short of sending you a photo of our computer online you’ll just have to take our word for it.

Solid, speedy writing skills and the ability to self-edit.
I have solid speedy writing skills and the ability to self-edit and as such if I were writing the application form I probably wouldn’t have said “self-edit” and then italicised it.

A willingness to commit time and effort to DS and Wii Fanboy. It is quite possible to take this on in addition to a full-time job or schoolwork, but it is definitely a commitment of time and effort.
I have a willingness to commit both time and effort to DS and Wii fanboy. I work in games journalism as my real job so it really will be a seemless transition from writing real games news to writing for Joystiq.

Basic photo-editing skills.
I have more than basic photo editing skills as can be seen from this picture, which, I made in 3 minutes flat. That was with an extended tea break.

A willingness to follow instructions and an understanding of teamwork.
This is a poorly worded requirement. How are you going to test this in candidates. For example, we are willing to follow instructions and we understand teamwork. Is that good enough?

Lots of personality!
How generic. We have lots of personality but I’ll tell you now sonny-jim that you have to try harder to show personality that put an exclamation mark at the end of your sentence. It’s like laughing at your own joke so just don’t do it in future. Okay? Oh, also someone typed lulz on the application page. I assume you’ve had some work experience kids in recently and they’ve been tampering with your site. You may want to fix this as it look embarrassing, especially when you are asking for people to work for you.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

The "They" complex

Who are “They”?

“They” are the driving force and motivation for all games:

“They” are the elite of the 1337.
“They” are some times referred to as “Them”.
“They” can challenge you at any point.
“They” have a complex understanding of all game mechanics.
“They” have 1000 gamer points in every game, before it has been released.
“They” probably take part in competitions and win.
“They” play PC FPS titles and are good at them.
“They” are able to juggle their gaming and social life perfectly.
“They” have beat Jordan of Expert.
“They” have a higher score on Garibaldi.
“They” write the FAQs even though the game has not been released
“They” were EV training since Gold/Silver.
“They” are what we all aspire to be.
“They” are the metaphorical carrot on a stick, on any game which has high score, or online competitive mode.
“They” are our inspiration to delve further into the game.
“They” stimulate us to stop button mashing, and start timing the button presses correctly.
“They” are the ones that encourage us to kill Ruby and Emerald weapon even though you can kill Sephiroth in a few hits.
“They” are the ones that set limits, such as killing the second Tyrant in under 2 hours.
“They” are the most efficient grinders on the planet.

What’s the point? Why am I training this team? In case “They” challenge me? Let me ask you this:

Why do you beat DMC on Dante must die mode?
Why do you beat your scores on Guitar hero, even though you have 100% on expert?
Why do you spend endless hours to change the colour of your trainer card?
Why do you seek to get 100% rating on San Andreas?

Why? In case “They” ever see your records?

Stupid “They”.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

The Perils of Endgame

"Endgame" was originally some word used in chess for the final moves, or something similar to that, but no-one cares about that nowadays, endgame is a mystical place where the 1337 live. The most common and arguably the most recognised is WoWs endgame. It used to be lvl 60 (Highest level you could reach), once you hit lvl 60 you would then team up and do really hard quests to get better "gear", to "enhance" the gameplay experience. Sounds quite cool doesn't it. Bet you have always thought after completing games like Mario or Zelda, "Woo, I have beaten Bowser/Ganon lets take a stroll through Mushroom kingdom/Hyrule and bask in the glory of how great i am"

Well its not all Peaches and cream. Take Pokemon Diamond/Pearl... I beat the 1337 4 after about 40-50 hours, and now i have clocked up 200 hours... what have i done? Well I have been basking in the the world of endgame One you beat the 1337 4 you then (in theory) have to collect the remaining 300-odd pokemon from the other games, and train up your Ultimate team. This is where the fucking Time consuming part comes in, you get so deep into the mechanics of the game that you forget it is even a game anymore. In Pokemon for instance EV training, this is where you pick your battles in order to maximise your pokemons Stats. Sick. thus giving you the best pokemon team possible.

Well in anycase Cunzy regularly asks, "You Bloggin?" I will reply with, "Nah EV training"

If you think about games as a sexual realtionship:

lvl1-10 - Early days things are a little awkward, but everything is fresh, new and exciting.
lvl 11-20 - Getting your footing here, you can make her come almost every time now.
lvl 21-30 - Bang on target every time.
lvl 31-40 - Starting to mix-things up a bit, maybe adding some saliva to the proceedings.
lvl 41-50 - Bring on the bondage.
lvl 51- 60 - Delightfully proficiant with each others bodies, knowing all the "ins-and outs"
Endgame - Experimentation, armpits, pegging, extra people, leading to eventual boredom and looking elsewhere for a new game/partner.

Luv ya

Richie XxX

Super Smash Brothers Brawl

OK there was that video and then the really good official site and then that hideous sound as 100 million Nintendo fanboys and fangirls started typing up their wish lists. There was widespread panic and confusion. Despite the fact that it was very clear this still happened (check out the retarded comments). My favourite is this

"Um…considering that Final Fantasy is only for Playstation, I doubt that they’d include characters from the series. If anything, it’d probably be a moogle or chocobo since they’re in pretty much every game of the series. I would, however, really like to see Sonic in this game (and Spyro)."

Oh how they got called a 'noob' because everyone knows that the worst 6 Final Fantasies before it ('it' being FFVII the most acceptable of the series. That's right acceptable, not as good as you claim it was. Especially the 'story') were on the SNES. However, I can out-noob all the noobs who pointed out that this guy was a noob because of all the final fantasy characters in that awful Mario Hoops 3 on 3 game for the DS. So shut up noobs, all of you.

Anyway we've just come back from an exclusive meeting over at Smash Brothers Towers and we can reveal the finalised character list. We've been told not to break strict embargo but we want to give the fans what they want:

Firstly: Cloud, Sora, Sonic, Shadow, Bomberman and any Naruto characters are not in it. Mostly because Nintendo don't want to touch FFVII after Ergheiz. Did you play that Cloud Fanboy89? No? Well go and play it and die of shame over your homo dream date. The same goes for Sora in that no one liked generic brown haired boys in Super Smash Brothers Melee, that's why Marth, Roy and Ness have been scrapped. Sonic and Shadow are some of the worst ideas for entrance in Super Smash Brothers Brawl. It's just not happening. Why ruin one of the most acclaimed game series with two of the worst videogame characters in recent years, and by characters I mean the ones from the game not the ones from your Amy RosexHarry Potter fan fictions.

The official finalised character list for Super Smash Brothers Brawl is:
Yeah Normal type
Tingle
Dunsparce (Pokemon)
Slippy
and the annoying rabbit from Super Mario 64, the one that runs away.

Unlockable characters:
Dakrai (Pokemon)
Dakrai will be unlockable and you can transfer him to Pokemon Diamond and Pearl. However, if you do this you can no longer use him in Super Smash Brothers Brawl.

Other Unlockables:
Some wallpapers and the videos from the Super Smash Brothers Dojo site.

Yep you read it here first, well probably on Kotaku and then you came here via a link

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Randy McSporran

OK do you remember we used to do a regular feature called That Guy's A Maniac? No? Because we only did three in a year and a half. Anyway, it's the return of That Guy's A Maniac and this years maniac is Randy McSporran. Randy McSporran used to be both our housemates and was a cool guy but now he's getting married and stuff in Estonia, so his wedding is essentially a funeral for the man we used to know. He's all about commitment and changing himself now. I'm kinda worried about it because I still owe him £200, but I always remind him when I see him, so it doesn't count. He also pronounces else as "elts" and is the only person I know who was once on the True Man List but then he did something which meant he was taken off the True Man List and could never get back on. No one can remember what he did though but it was during University so it was probably something like he wouldn't go to the shop at 3 in the morning to buy munchies.

Anyway he is a great guy but won't be much longer and here are some interesting stories about him, some of which make him a maniac and others need to be preserved before we forget:

1) He once fell over into a puddle and went into a coma for a week. Everyone thinks it was because he was too lazy but he says he was just resting his eyes.
2) Instead of else he says "elts"
3) One time he was climbing over a fence and a spike on top of the fence went into his foot through his shoe. We watched it happen and it happened really slowly. There was blood.
4) If he puts things in his shirt pocket they vanish!
5) When playing Kingdom Hearts he would fight every single baddie!
6) He stabbed himself in the hand on the night of graduation ball, whilst dividng frozen beefburgers and had to go to hospital and miss the ball.
7) He was fired from KFC, twice kinda.
8) He was really scared one time in New Zealand because there was this bar for farmers and he didn't want to go in because of the 'bad men'.
9) He has seen Mr.Winky
10) He once played Shadow of Memories after some freaky biscuits and then was laughing hysterically saying "Blinky Bill" and "Breathy Bob". He then hid under his desk and wouldn't come out.
11) He is 100 years old, or "as old as the hills".
12) He once vomed in Richie's sink and it was really big bits of Cheese and bean toasties. Bigger than his mouth!
13) He would drink Black Velvet and Donkey's Knob which was £1.25 at the time.
14) He once played against Richie on Diablo II and killed him and stole all his weapons and armour.
15) He once fell onto a giant can of baked beans and the fork went up his arse. He then wee'd in the can and left it in the toilet for a fortnight.
16) He was a competitor in the "get the most flushes" game but lost
17)He tried to win vodka jellies at the Firkin quiz and fell down the stairs yelling, "DAAAAAAAAAAAAANCING QUUUUUUUUUEEN"
18) He once shot our friend Squid in the leg with a BB gun and then at another time hit her in the face with a matress.
19) In the Czech Republic he vomed in a bag and no one noticed.
20) When he first turned up at uni, he didnt have a place to live and smelled funny and wore a bandana.
21) He used to follow a certain girl with a meter stride, brooding behind her, in the hopes that one day she might give it up.
22) He blew his nose on his T-Shirt in the middle of a hideous night club and it was disgusting.
23) He used to rip the inside support to his hard hat out, place it on his head, the repeat the words, "Buy me an Ambulance" in a high pitched voice.
24) He was once married to a woman named Scott.
25) When he was younger his brother went into his room and found his stack of Gay Porn.
26) He was in the role-playing Society.
27) He was in the Sci-fi Society.
28) He put his scalpel in his bag for some dissection work later in university, however the scalpel, being as sharp as it was, had forced its way though the bag and managed to stab him in the leg.
29) He shot himself in the forehead with a BB gun, to which he then had to go to hospital and explain this to the nurses. To this day the crescent-shaped scar remains.
30) He fell down the stairs in a club managed to cut his face open.
31) He is also known as Thunderpiss.
32) He has a tattoo of the two "male" symbols intertwinned.
33) He once helped out his Lesbian flatmate, who was curious to know what "Dicking" felt like.
34) He de-flowered the local priests Daughter.
35) He once lost an apple. The apple, as it turns out, was stolen by the resident nymphomaniac with a skull infection. The Apple had been placed/forced into her anus whilst her current parner "dicked" her. Jason then ate the apple.
36) He is a Furby.
37) One night he drank a whole bottle of very cold Yazoo, then ate a Pot Noodle. He then threw it up, but was disturbed by the varying degrees of temperatures of the foods.
38) He was once very racist to the Larry haw security guard.
39) Once when travelling back from Nottingham in a car, he clearly hadn't washed, and his minge was stinking up the car.
40) Cunzy and I did his mum.

Monday, August 13, 2007

Omastar Comics #7 & A post. Kinda

So it looks like pokemania is taking over the world* and at the same time nothing of interest is happening in the rest of gaming. Seriously, check Gamespot's news page. Snorarama. Looks like everyone took the month off because they aren't going to knock Diamond and Pearl off the top spots (except umm Transformers the DS game apparently).

Anyway this week in Omastar Comics, well, see for yourself. This one goes out to TTEchidna in a bad way.


So yeah, this is how Omastar got banned from the MoRTo (Music of Rock Type origin awards) because, his rap is all about how some rock types think they are grass types. They speak like grass types and they act like grass types. HELL they even dance like grass types. Unfortunately, for Omastar Type-ist slurs don't go unnoticed by the judges BUT WHAT DO THEY KNOW FRICKIN NORMAL TYPES. Everyone knows that normal types are a bunch of Salac eating, silk scarf wearing pokedex fillers.


*This may not strictly be true but wikipedia doesn't have an article on "Is Pokemania taking over the world?" so what do I know about it?

Thursday, August 09, 2007

That Guy's A Pokemaniac

Yep. As you may be able to tell we're pretty gay for pokemon and we don't feel the need to put the accent over the e either. The games have been going for 10 years or so now but for those who truly want to catch 'em all there is a heap load of effort involved. The question I'm asking today is IS IT TOO MUCH?

For example if you wanted to get all of the pokemon from the start here is what you have to do:

Buy Pokemon Blue/Red/Yellow (£30 at the time)
And Gameboy (£100 originally)
Play the games and trade with 'friends' (Probably 150 hours to get them all)
Buy Silver/Gold (£30)
And Gameboy colour (£90)
Play the game and trade between friends or yourself to complete the dex (200 hours including legendary efforts to get the legendary dogs)
Buy Pokemon Stadium 2 to get pokemon unavailable and to facilitate self trading (£120 N64, Pokemon Stadium for GBA Adaptor £40, Pokemon Stadium 2 £40, Extra N64 pad £30, spare GBA adapter £15)
Buy GBA in preparation for the new generation of pokemon and find out that all your previous efforts were completely wasted because you have to start again (£100)
Buy Pokemon Sapphire/Ruby £30
Play Pokemon Sapphire to complete your Hoenn dex (250+ hours in total after below:)
Buy Pokemon Channel to get Jirachi (£40 Game, £100 Gamecube, £15 GBA adaptor+ 10 or so hours without too much time changing cheatyness)
Buy Pokemon Fire Red which is essentially the same as Pokemon Red/Yellow/Blue but ever so slightly updated with a few annoying new areas (£30)
Play Pokemon Fire Red, including such joys as catching all the legendary birds and Mewteo and the legendary dogs AGAIN and transfer all the pokemon between Sapphire/Ruby to get complete pokedex(200 hours)
Buy Pokemon Colosseum and complete it and then purify all the Shadow Pokemon and then fight 100 battles in a row to get a handful of the second gen pokemon unavailable elsewhere and Ho-oh otherwise unavailable (50 hours, £40)
Buy Pokemon XD Gale of Darkness and complete the game and then do ridiculous amounts of training/waiting/purifying just to get Lugia (£40, 60 hours)
Buy a Nintendo DS for the newest generation of Pokemon (£100)
Buy Pokemon Ranger and complete it and then enter the special password to do a bunch of other missions to get an Egg to send to Diamond and Pearl for 2 extra pokemon, Manaphy and Phione (£30 and 30 hours)
Buy Pokemon Diamond and Pearl and play it through to be able to get all your pokemon from the GBA games 6 per GBA game per day. Then do ridiculous things like talk to people via wifi 32 times to get Spiritomb etc.(£30+200 hours)
Contemplate travelling to a Toys'R'Us in London on the weekend of the 25th-26th of August to get a Mew for the first time in 10 years and 5 games (£20 travel, 3 hours plenty of shame)
I'm not even going to mention Battle Revolution and the cost of a Wii to get the chance to see your hard earned pokemon in glorious non HD 3D.
Finally:
Say a big thanks to Nintendo for not giving us Europeans not much of a/no chance to get Pokemon like Celebi or Deoxys (Using an Action Replay or other such device is so cheaty and so pointless that I'm not even going to start) and probably little to no chance of ever getting a new generation of 'Nintendo Event' pokemon such as Dakrai, Arceus and Shaymin (20 seconds with extended ranting)

So what is the final score to Catch them all?
Well it's going to cost you about £1080 (not including money for a WiFi connection in order to trade) and it's going to take you roughly 1143 hours and 20 seconds plus there's going to be plenty of shame and you're still going to be 5 pokemon short (Deoxys, Celebi, Arceus, Shaymin, Dakrai)of a full pokedex. Which, I think is worse than playing WoW with various Alts to get to level 70 soon to be 80.

Why do we do it?

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Omastar Comics #6

Yeah Omastar Comics number 6!

This week Omastar takes a little stroll down memory lane. He doesn't often like to reminisce because then it dawns on him that HE HAS LIVED A LIFE AND DIED ALREADY. He didn't ask to be resurrected. No siree.
Oh man he was so naive as an Omanyte, just listen to what he used to say. I'M GLAD I WAS NEVER THAT NAIVE
Next on Omastar Comics:- Controversy at the MORTO (Music of Rock Type Origin) Awards.

Monday, August 06, 2007

Margaret Robertson tells it like it is

An anonymoose sent me this link (via the Beeb). It's former EDGE editor Margaret Robertson on why she plays games. She starts the piece very controversially saying that games are rubbish! Oooh1 I'm outraged but then she ends it by saying this about Guitar Hero:

"But somehow, even though I can't do it, my brain can.
And so I get to watch, astonished and really rather proud, as my hand taps out the right sequence.
If I'm playing Guitar Hero on the expert setting, I know as a matter of certainty that I can't keep up with the sequence of notes streaming by.

Not least because my eyes go completely out of focus within about a minute. And yet, somehow, my brain and my hand have done a deal, and notes are streaming out of the screen and my score is through the roof.

Check me out - I'm amazing. And that's not arrogance. I don't take any credit for it. I can't."


GLASSES MAN GLASSES MAN?

And I think she is saying something here that I haven't really seen expressed so succinctly anywhere else. AND SHE IS ABSOLUTELY RIGHT READERS. Although for me it isn't why I play computer games I am often amazed at how the brain goes into automatic. With games like Devil May Cry and Super Smash Brothers you watch the screen and you're pulling off some amazing moves and combos but if you try to think about what you are doing you mess up and the on screen avatar seems to go into retard mode compared to the dazzling brilliance from before. It's the same with Final Fantasy, Pokemon and Resident Evil Games that require a lot of menu checking. Even a simple task like equipping an item can make your brain hurt when you start to think about the buttons you are pressing (select, X, down, down, right, X, down, X, Triangle Triangle Triangle) but when you are in automatic your hands just seem to react to your thoughts without actually thinking about what you are physically doing.
Don't believe me? Try explaining to someone how you do a smash attack on Super Smash Brothers or Taki's overhead jump move on Soulblade or any of the weapon cheats on GTA. It's either really hard or you just can't remember the buttons without having a controller there. Even then you have to look down at the pad to register the names of the buttons that your brain knows by position. I even had an idea for some LAZY GAME ART where you have a video playing of, I dunno, someone busting Dead Rising, on the right and a video of the players hands and controllers playing next to it. It looks weird. It just looks like the hands are randomly fitting all over the pad. Look at your mates hands next time they are playing a game. It doesn't appear that their hand movements and button presses are relating to the on screen movements but we all know they are.

It is also for this reason that I rarely use the touchscreen if possible. Especially for Resident Evil DS and Pokemon Diamond. I can navigate menus, use items, check the pokedex and attack far faster using the buttons over the touch screen. Maybe it's just habit or how I grew up playing games but it's also why I'm not too happy with some of the Wii games especially Wii Play and Wii Sports. There's just not that level of precision without me re-training my brain but maybe I'm just lazy and happy to stick with what I know.

Anywho, Kudos to Margaret and the BBC for doing some real games journalism instead of crappy new journalism pish or whining about sexism in Wing Commander (the game not the film with Freddy Prinz Jr.)

Noogins.

Friday, August 03, 2007

War of the Servers

You may have heard of a machinima called War of the Servers already. If not watch it now! That's an order private! Here's the trailer:

It's good machinima it has a classic plot retold and revamped, it's beautifully shot, plenty of action a splash of drama, there are in-jokes,,cameos. It really is great, the score even. If you have never liked or even watched machinima then give this one a go. It's all on Youtube, some meaty 7 episodes and over an hour of material. Watch it! Watch it! Watch it! You won't be sorry.

"Kind of like Blue Screen Of Death without the cringeyness mixed with Red vs. Blue without the boredom of all the bopping men" Four Stars, Cunzy1 1 TGAM
Put that on the DVD box Stoneman you mentalist

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Because You Need Some Light Comic Relief Whilst Making Your Lobunny Happy :)

Pretty straightforward post. Just name your pokemon one of the names on the left if it has one of the moves on the right and LOLLERCAUST city here we come*

Midwife used Cut
Nympho used Horn Attack
Cock used Horn Drill
Richie used Leer
Tia used Bite**
Butt used Gust, Mist, SonicBoom etc.
Injacuzi used Hydropump
Gimp used Submission/Bind/Wrap/Disable
Richie used Siesmic Toss
ToxicSS used Absorb
Penis used Growth
Penis used String Shot
STI used Toxic
Daterap used Hypnosis/Disable
Cock used Harden
Cocks used Double Team
Postorgas used Minimize
Catholic used Withdraw
Sensible used Barrier/Protect
Hutchence used Self Destruct
Fellate used Lick
Butt used Sludge
Vagina used Waterfall
Bum used poison gas
BJ used Lovely Kiss/Sweet Kiss
Tranny used Transform/Double Edge
Cock/Vagina used Explosion
Ozguy used Bonemerang
AgresivLes used Conversion
Suicidal used Slash
Richie used Substitute
Daterape used Powder Snow
Imcumming used Scary Face
Brown love used Sludge Bomb
Poofetish used Mud Slap
No4play used Bone Rush
BJ used Milk Drink/Spit Up/Swallow
BadBJ used Bite
Richie used Frustration
Givinbirth used Pain Split
Viagra used Megahorn/Encore
Stalker used pursuit
Douched used Sweet Scent
SatonaBall used Crunch
Premoman used Extremespeed
Richiebird used Fake Out
Snowball used Memento
Slut used Follow Me
Fluffer used Helping Hand
Bitnervus used Helping Hand/Assist
7yritch used Roleplay
Flasher used Magic Coat
Richie used Knock Off
Penis used Eruption
Paedo used Imprison/Present/Charm
Oral used Dive
Widegirl used Arm Thrust
Spanked used Tail Glow
GotGod used Luster Purge
Scatophile used Mud Sport/Muddy Water/Mud Shot
Justcum used Slack Off then Snore
Beachgirl used Sand Tomb
Boobies used Bounce
LSDhipi used Psycho Boost
Cock used Discharge
Douchplz used Brine
Goldshower used Rain Dance
Eatsnatch used Dragonbreath
Gotperiod used False Swipe/Wish
Onthblob used Softboiled
Gotcrabs used Scratch

*Please, no one cares if you think it's immature and also many of them are not even funny. One of those posts. You know.
**Inside joke. Ignore.

COMING NEXT: Something not Pokemon. MAYBE?