Just Fuck Off

What happens when a bunch of lazy academics who don't do any real research but want to play Second Life, MUDs and WoW all get together and try to think of something to do?

Dear Terra Nova et al.
Nobody cares until we've seen you beat Emerald and Ruby weapon. Until then stop trying to outdo each other by trying to find the first innovation by trawling through MUDs and other crappy subject material to find the first time Chicken Sandwiches were featured in games, sorry platforms or virtual worlds.

And in response:
A Declaration of Virtual Worlds Policy

made by the writers of That Guy's A Maniac, the Second Greatest Videogame Blog of All Time In the World, assembled in full and free convention with a temporary no cybering cease fire in Gaylando in Animal Crossing: Wild World as the first true Synthetic Worlds Congress.
Whereas virtual worlds are places with mostly furries or paedos or unhappy middle aged America, unless we are talking about interesting virtual worlds (otherwise known as games by the majority of users) providing grinding repetitive and degrading experiences and effects, we resolve that:

1. If you try too hard to think about virtual worlds you forget that, you know, they aren't real and also the companies that make games own everything. Your avatar, your land, your account. They can shut you down tomorrow so make sure you have plenty of characters spread across numerous games. Alternatively you could play Haunted Maze by genius Ed Fedemeyer or Timesplitters 2. Those two games have more than enough potential for you to cyber with other characters without the risk of getting found out and without the crappy glitchy graphics of Second Life.

2. A players’ bill of rights should be drafted and should include the right to shut the fuck up if someone is better than you. If they can kill you or grief you and you can't escape just except them as master. Free speech will be released by EA on XBox 360 Marketplace sometime next year.

3. A universal age verification system should be created to support the individual rights of all users. That way when men find out that there is a 90% chance that they are cybering another man, not the teen girl they thought, they will just go back to the old 'car and sweeties' trick thus freeing up a lot of server space for gamers.

4. Virtual world designers should have freedom of expression and should not have to answer to people who continuously whinge and beg and threaten to leave because "The Lindens won't listen to me"

5. Virtual worlds should include plain-language End-User License Agreements (EULA) to enable all individuals to understand their rights. However, these should not be written or communicated anywhere at all. People should have to figure it out for themselves. Anyone claiming they did not know their rights should be called "Bookboy book" or "Bookgirl book". This same agreement goes for instruction booklets and game manuals everywhere. Work it out for yourself like everyone else dumb ass.

6. There are different types of virtual worlds with different policy implications. The only exception is Google chat and Second Life. In terms of policy implications they are exactly the same except Google chat is playable without getting cyber raped by furries.

7. Access is critical to virtual worlds, so net neutrality must be maintained. Alternatively, just use a fucking console or here's an idea a DS. I know that means that you might have to move to a different area of the room to spam up the message boards, forums or blogs every time you get 'griefed*' but actually nobody cares. In fact I'd grief you if I knew that you'd go and complain. Besides PC gamers are lame and everyone (including 67% or PC gamers) knows it.

8. Game developers shall not be liable for the actions taken by players and players shall not be liable for the actions taken by game developers. If game developers can't get busted for not blocking animal cyberring then why the hell should we get done for doing it.

9. Fair use may apply in virtual worlds that enable amateur creation of original works. As long as 'fair use' means pay us to keep it and as long as original works means yet another variety of digital dildo or butt plug for use in Second Life.

10. The government should not provide a comprehensive package of funding for educational games research, development, and literacy. The government should however, actively support the televising and staging of events around kick ass games like Burnout, Starcraft, Timesplitters 2 and Sentimental Shooting

*In this instance, making allowances for squinnying TNers and Profoky Neva griefing includes: being IM'ed, dying in game, pressing the wrong key, accidentally toggling crouch, losing, someone somewhere disagreeing with you, someone leaving a comment on your blog, someone typing 'Lol' rather loudly and people not giving your web comic 5 stars.


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