..... and I mean finally! After a failed preorder and a bad case of "insufficient funds" I have finally procured my copy of Pokemon Diamond. You know what that means, a TGAMer buying a new game, nearly at launch! That's right kids it's time for some NEW GAMES JOURNALISM!

I open the case and instantly take out the book and give it a deep sniff. Mmmmm that new game instruction booklet smell. I place it to one side and imagine the photo I'm going to take with the Diamond instruction booklet as the top book in a fan of booklets in chronological order with Yellow at the bottom then the Gold and Silver book, then the Sapphire Ruby book, then the Fire Red Leaf Green book and then the brand spanking new Diamond book on top. "At last" I think. My years of loyalty to the franchise finally paying off "Thank you Nintendo, thank you". I thought it was all over after Leaf Green and Fire Red. I mean essentially they were remakes of the original and then XD and Colloseum? Terrible. But Pokemania is back. Let's see who is sad now! Next I remove the little inlet with my Nintendo Stars code, I wonder what little gifts I'll get when I upload those I think.

Lastly I put the game into my DS and power up. AH! The familiar intro, the colour, the sounds!
Oh dear in the latter part of your 20s and playing a childs sad
The scenario starts up, I know what's going to happen but I'm so excited. It's not just a kids game at all this is coool.
Oh yeah sure. The only people who play it are kids and other geeky men. So which one are you?
I think I'm going to go with Turtwig because my friends have the other starters so we can trade.
No I meant gay or a paedophile you sick pervert
I choose Turtwig and name it Chlorchel. Chlor for the green plant on it's back and Chel from Chelonia, the biological name for turtles and tortoises. This is great because it is a hobby that combines biology with fun! It's educational which I most of the reason why I play it.
It's not a hobby. Sports they are hobbies. When great sportsmen and women die they have a nationally celebrated funeral. You are going to die alone. What will your epitaph be? At least I caught Jirachi?
Jirachi was actually quite hard to get I had to beat Pokemon Channel and then transfer it. Oh my god a level 3 Bidoof my journey to become a pokemon master has begun, again.
Your girlfriend is going to leave you. You are not a real man. When she looks at you do you think she sees house, kids and a nice life? No she sees you as a fat bearded loser still playing pokemon as your belly continually expands to fill your space invader XXL T-shirt. Real men like cars and earn enough money to buy things like a nice barbecue, houses or floor boarding. Real men don't save up for a month to buy a plinky plonky childrens game.
I'm not even catholic you can't guilt me. Anyway that's not true man. She understands me. It's like shoes, she gets shoes and I get pokemon. She thinks it is cute
It's not at all the same. She cries in her room at her dead end relationship with a loser. Other people will appreciate her sexy shoes they have a real world value. Only other men and children on the internets will care about your level 100 Omastar. She doesn't think it's cute at all she hates it. It's eating her up inside. She's going to leave you and use her sexy shoes to get with the Nintendo board of directors, they are real men. They earn lots of money and buy flowers and jewellery. They are all going to laugh at you, they're going to find the exat £24.99 you paid for the game and they are going to pay her to sleep with them for 50p a go, she doesn't care that it is only 50p because she is so happy to be with real men again. They'll be laughing at how pathetic you are throughout the orgy, all the while you'll be trying to catch a shiny Beldum. You sad pathetic loser.

Case Report 102004-57-31/07/2007
The body was found by the victim's girlfriend. Preliminary examinations show that he had inserted a small pen like object into his left eye then taken it out and put it into his right eye where it was found in the body. The new officer, officer Richards identified the object as a stylus from a Nintendo DS console. A clear case of suicide.
Preliminarily we thought that the blood loss and the trauma were the cause of death but the coroner found four objects in the victims stomach and one lodged in the trachea. The objects were all pokemon game catridges of various sizes. All but one of them contained data. The Pokemon Silver game cartridge was mysteriously blank but we aren't investigating this further. The probable cause of death is choking but trauma and blood loss probably didn't help. Ironically, the victim choked on the smallest of the game catridges, one Pokemon Diamond. According to Officer West this is the newest release.
The victim also left a suicide note addressed to his girlfriend. It reads: "I hope you enjoy those Japanese business men but you won't be laughing at me now. Now that I'm dead. Enjoy your freedom and sorry for the years of mental abuse I must have caused with my sad obsession". It is signed Cunzy1 1 which is not the victim's name.
Yet another example of how these sick videogames are causing people harm. As soon as we get these wicked games off the streets we can get on with proper police work.
Case closed 31/07/2007
Officer Kennedy- Chief Investigative Officer.
Officer Richards and West- Attending Officers.


  1. Anonymous15:20

    Great short story, you should publish it.
    Favorite quote-"They are all going to laugh at you, They are all going to laugh at you, They are all going to laugh at you,"


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