Interview with the World's Most Powerful Editor of Krakatoa

A bunch of people at the office were circulating the latest link for the latest masterpiece by Kotaku's Brian Crecente: Motion Control in Gaming: Rationalizing a New Dissonance. The usual jokes were flying around about how "Editor-In-Chief" means something different in America, and discussion arose as to when exactly Kotaku became (or desired to become) a science fiction pastiche of the real games industry. Deeply moved by the latest travesty from Kotaku Towers, I decided to get in touch with the big C for some constructive criticism. Here's how it went:

TGAM: Hey. Just read your post about motion control in gaming. Thought I'd drop you a line to let you know it is one of the worst pieces of HTML pretending to be writing on Kotaku (FYI this is akin to saying it is one of the worst pieces of writing on the internet). Next time leave it to Leigh Alexander or someone else who can write their way out of a paper bag. It couldn't be more high school even if it mentioned Freud. Oh hang on. It does. Jeez. Even Dorito could do something better than this without a uniting theme or point. They do say 'If at first you don't succeed....' but I think we can make an exception for you. Kind regards Cunzy1 1.

Brian Crecente: Wow, Thanks for your informed opinion. What exactly didn't you like about it anonymous email person?

TGAM:Oh Bry. Anonymous! We thought you cared, how fickle you are!

Anyway here is a nice bulleted list:
  • It reads like assembly instructions which might be a tried and tested technique to pass off rumour as fact but for an opinion piece like this it just feels cold.You give bodies an agency they don't have. A staple of persuasive writing and straw man arguing.
  • You say: 'Years later, when the Wii hit stores, it brought gaming and motion control to the masses, showing grandparents, gamers and soccer moms that video games didn't have to be high-def to be fun' There's a horse and a cart in here but none of them are pushing or pulling what they ordinarily should be. I don't buy that soccer moms thought video games had to be high-def to be fun and deep down neither do you.
  • You say: 'The uncanny valley, ironically, became one of the chief stumbling blocks for game developers trying to make games that approached the threshold of photorealism.' You've got so many qualifying words in that statement that ultimately, I don't think you are asserting anything. Also, total LIES. Name one game that was canceled or restylised because people were repulsed.
  • 'Now, it seems [and I'm making it up off the top of my head here], developers escaping the unavoidable graphics journey through the uncanny valley have stumbled upon a new uncanny valley, one marked not by appearance, but by motion.' Is what you meant I think (my emphasis in square brackets).
  • The Red Steel 2 stuff is gold and I thank you for using non asserted statement of the year unless you are interested in the gut feeling of Mr Areola: '"So far I can't tell, but for the Wii, going to a full, exact replication of movement is not the right way to do it," he said.'
  • 'The biggest risk motion control faces is that the paradoxical nature of that uncanny disconnect may lead gamers and developers to believe that the basic concept is flawed.' Boy, you have used some big words here but I would have fed the trolls with "Until motion control works 1 for 1, for that handful of games which would actually benefit from motion control in that something was added to improve the experience we're going to have to put up with internet people squinnying about it".
I hope some of these bits I've highlighted can help you do more with less and with time you'll reach the heady heights of 'I-got-a-book-don't-cha-know-Baschraft'.


BC:* Rumor? What rumor? * Be specific, what bodies? * Are you saying the release of the Wii didn't change the way people view games? * I never said a game was re-stylized, though plenty have. Are you saying the premise of the uncanny valley as it applies to gaming is false? * No, I had it right. You're dislike for me doesn't really play a role in my writing. * You misquoted him. * Sorry I confused you with my big words. Here's some help:http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/dissonance

I'm a bit disappointed here. I was really hoping you had something insightful to say or useful point out. But all this boils down to: "I don't like you Brian." I've always found it interesting that someone I don't know, and who doesn't know me, can get so personally and emotionally invested in something I write. But, and here's the funny thing, they don't have the backbone to use their real name when trying, no matter how ham-handedly, to call me out.
The fact that I linked to you before doesn't mean you are any less anonymous. If you really are bothered so much by my writing maybe you
should not read Kotaku or at least me anymore. It could lead to a less stressful life for you. Take care, brian


TGAM: Oh Brian Let us hope you blocked this email like you did "the last time". But just in case you didn't here is a reply.

1) Re:Rumours- See 90% of Kotaku especially those awkward bits of back peddling or when you make rumours you accidentally passed off as news into news itself. Brilliant monsieur. Brilliant.
2) Like how you use "game developers" in a number of places in this piece.
3) Absolutely not and I am a firm believer to the point of being evangelical that it did change the way people view games. What I am saying though (and read this carefully sugar) is that you are saying soccer moms thought video games had to be high-def to
be fun until the Wii came along. Which is wrong.
4) I think the premise of the uncanny valley as it applies to gaming is false. I know of no examples or even anecdotes of gamers being put off by or repulsed by a game due to it approaching photorealism. I mention restylising as a way of bringing a game to market that was otherwise repulsing gamers due to it's photo realism.
5) Your statement regarding motion control and uncanniness is totally unfounded and if I may say a bit garbled. You are insinuating that photorealism is somehow mutual exclusive to motion controlled or a replacement to it.
6) Not a misquote (formatting aside) unless you mean the name change but then I assumed you knew what one of those was.
7) Sorry if you got confused it is not the length of your words of what they mean that I have issue with it is just the general redundancy Brian. The anti-information.

And it is not a case of I don't like you here Brian. Like you say, I don't know you from Adam, all I'm saying is that you are overly verbose and you do persuasive writing badly and in some corners of the internet I'd say you might be something akin to some kind of role model so set a better example. Also, you assume I am personally and emotionally invested in your writing or I am stressed out because I take out five minutes to comment on it? Don't get ahead of yourself. By your own judgement system you don't know any of the Kotakuites and they keep you in a job and this is why I take (not stressed out mind you) issue to your writing. The anonymous thing is tired, google me Brian I always post everything under Cunzy1 1 on every forum, blog or web tool and you could find out a darn site more about me from my "anonymous" handle than anyone could from you and your asinine throw-away comments on your website.

He is a massive wanker
BC:1 what are you talking about specifically? Are you saying the wii is a rumor? Be specific.2 3 work on your reading comprehension.4 wow. You are painfully misinformed. Actually I didn't read the rest because you were boring me. What's your real name?

TGAM: Wow Brian. Matthew 15:14 never seemed so apt. Good luck. What's your job again?

BC:As long as you hide behind anonymity I see no point carrying on this conversation. What are you so afraid of?

TGAM:....... CHOOSE YOUR OWN ENDING READER.

This is where, unlike over at Kotaku we give you the chance to choose the response we send to Brian. Email your choices to the usual address and the one with the most votes will get sent by 5pm tonight!

OPTION A: I was afraid that you would be mad at me, don't be mad at me.

OPTION B: Looks like you lost the battle and the war. Word of advice, Brian don't hide in Paraguay, they always find the war criminals there. Too obvious.

OPTION C: Oh okay, so you could justify your shoddy writing but you choose not to?

OPTION D: My name is Earl, Brian

OPTION E: I find your advances to find out my name, more than a little aggressive, my anonymity is my business, but my internet handle, as a mentioned before can be googled. This is quite a contrast to your overt defensiveness to a trite literary scifi-gaming-mindwank*, which incidentally, you have still failed to remark on the criticism I have provided to you.
All I can surmise from these deflections is, that I hit a nerve, if you don't have faith in the quality of your work, I would suggest you do not feign interest in criticism, I would also suggest that you get comfortable with your literacy so that, when you do receive criticism, you will accept it graciously, rather than like a guilty child. Until that point I wish you good luck in your ventures dotting the i's and crossing the t's of the more literate members of your staff.

Choose your own ending reader! Choose it! Choose it! And now Mr Leary. Sing us out.



Luv

CZY

*Next time lay off the pot when looking for "inspiration."

Comments

Kotakuite said…
There are not enough pictures of underage videogame characters in their underpants
Cunzy11 said…
Try the tag "no biff" or alternatively "Omastar".
Heir said…
Option E
Pisspants said…
Option E, but only because you want it too...
Jay said…
My theory on why you are so secretive about your identity is because you are in fact none other than Brian Crecente. Admitting this would ruin the whole game.
Dr Wo said…
Option E, though he may still be a war criminal......
Michelle said…
High five!
DrHamHock said…
This is the pinnacle of Videogame counter journalism. This is art. No. It's Pro-Anti Art-poetry. It's Dada-beat-bebop.
So artful, a little bit of poo nearly came out while i was laughing. I was choking at the time. The coroner would have had to paint a pretty picture of my death had it all gone wrong.
Adam said…
This comment has been removed by the author.

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