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Showing posts with the label just fuck off apple actually just fuck off now ACTUALLY GET OUT you prick

EXCLUSIVE: Stadia and Apple Arcade Games List

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Having historically shown but a half-arsed interest in video game development and support to date it's interesting to see that both Google and Apple have recently announced half-arsed plans to continue. In the Red Corner we have Google Stadia. A website which...YouTubers...terraflops at 60 fps which is technically very impressive. In the Blue Corner Apple have announced Apple Arcade which will...games...apps... so expect to see that in coffee shops all over the world! The pixellated elephant in the room however is WHAT VIDEO GAMES ARE WE ACTUALLY TALKING ABOUT? The administrators and system designers have spent so long on the beanbags in the flexible working open plan offices, they forgot to tell us the key part of these boring projects. Fortunately, dear readers, we have the ultimate inside source, it's Alcamoth Citizen reporting from inside Xenoblade Chronicles and she has EXCLUSIVE news on the games to share. This, her first report from the stream cloud piss:    

Flame Rounds: Half Arsed Data Gathering Social Companion Apps

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Flame rounds lets us fulfil our yearning passion to be Frank Skinner, taking on his role as Judge, Jury, and Executioner in Room 101. We will be presenting a case for a particular Trope/Character/Item/UI element that pisses us off and then trying to justify whether this thing should go into room 101 (get flame roundsded?). Richie: Last time on Flame rounds we found a verdict was suspended, due to a creepy revelation .  Yo Cunzy, what do you got for us this time? Cunzy1 1: Right, we had a bit of a discussion already about what the collective name for these things are. This week, I want to consider those publisher 'Social Club' type websites that are annoyingly advertised on menu screens (even after you sign up) with the incentive being that your data will be harvested, sold or just leaked   logging into this side app (link your Facebook, Twitter, Google and Insta accounts for no reason!) rewards you with 'icons', 'epic loot' and probably a smattering of o

Silent Hill Revelation is not very good

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This image has very little to do with the film. Richie and I were supposed to be saving watching this for a girl's night in but now we live within 600 miles of each other we don't see each other half as much as we used to. So I caved and watched it and unfortunately I roped my better half into watching it. She'd sat through the first Silent Hill film and it had such an impact on her that halfway through the film she confessed that she thought Silent Hill was Hellraiser . In a way I was wishing it was too. This film is bad in a generic and inoffensive way delivering a double dose of cringe. One cringe for it just been a not very good film. Another cringe for it being yet another not very good movie adaptation of a video game. I've not checked the rankings recently but surely in the order of genres of film, video games adaptation must be down near the bottom of the list just below 'American TV dramas about big city people falling in love with a rural '

Why I'll always be A PC Gamer...

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...because every time I sit down at a keyboard my fingers default to WASD. And because some of my best memories and games have been on the PC, from the heady sprite driven days of DOS games; pointy-clickies like Discworld or the ancestral king of FPS's Doom.  SETSOUND= SB16  Through to the graphic driven monsters that plague benchmarking sites. My gaming memories start with the humble Commodore 64 in the 8-bit era and Amiga 1200 in the 16/32 bit era. Yes I flirted the consoles of that time, NES, Mastersystem, Super Nintendo and Mega Drive, but weirdly I remember playing Street Fighter II on the C64: But my first PC was an ex-office PC that ran windows 3.1 akin to the specs below: But as time went on I learned more about PCs I upgraded my 33MHz CPU, to 166MHz. My GFX card got a much needed boost, and as time went on upgrading just became a thing that had to happen, not necessarily just to play a game, but to keep a PC ahead-of-the-curve for a few more years

The Guardian School of News Reporting

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We're... urgh... digital natives and we're now of the generation where mainstream media journalists don't really represent us. They's falling over themselves to appear trendy and more than a little obsessed with Twitter. Last week we read a fascinating story in the Evening Standard about Z-Celebrities reactions to Z list Celebrities leaving Celebrity reality shows for 'medical reasons'. This was whole page. This is loser generated content at it's worst and for those of us who grew up on the mean streets of long forgotten forums and who cut our teeth trolling wicca websites the constant obsession with who said what onTwitter and the sheer laziness and naivety of reporting drives us insane. Richard Bacon's answer to the problems of Trolling (pronounced Trollllling not trole-ing apparently) is to make everyone's profile with their real name and photo.  yeah, because RealID worked out really well . Anywho. Who are we to complain? We're just the

Ouya a name to rival the Wii in Stupidity?

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So all of you out there in internetland are probably dying to know what TGAM think about the Ouya. 2/10 - More effort needed. A glorified PC gimped with Android. Well, we have talked about Digital Convergence before, and this could be interpreted as an inevitable step or perhaps even a step backwards. Its essentially a little PC that plugs into your TV, it'll run Android (i.e. Linux) and let you play Android games. Granted this gives you a new platform to play Android games, but is it even worth it? 99% of Android games cant even compare to iOS graphics and playability, and yet the ability to play iOS games on a TV or Desktop is just there, no hype, no random internet folks paying 5 million for it either. Oh yeah and PCs thy plug into your TV they have an infinitely larger back catalogue and you know... fuck it you can emulate most generations too (or indeed, if you are that way inclined, play certain android games from within the chrome browser) There needs to be more t

In game advertising

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It hasn't happened yet but we remember distinctly being distinctly worried in a very distinct fashion around the time that gaming really took off as there were rumblings of in-game advertising being explored as a thing. We were worried that if advertisers got the keys to our games, they'd end up looking as gaudy as real cities and we'd find ourselves strangely drawn to brands we'd never paid much attention to before. Fortunately, that never really happened. Red Bull got into a couple of games, Wipeout and Judge Dredd: Dredd vs Death . The brand seamlessly sat in the world of Wipeout . Not so much Judge Dredd . From what I can recall instead of making your way around generic docks and warehouses filled with normal crates, you made your way around docks and warehouses filled with Red Bull crates. Other than that I can't recall other adverts for real world brands in games ( Mario Kart has in game billboards, hilariously advertising "green shells" and

Bye Bye Game Focus

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We're all about being open and transparent with YOU, the homeless transsexual checking the Internet when you should be working and this post, friend((ette)?) is going to be a short one. London indie game store GAME FOCUS has closed its doors ( EDGE has the scoop ). This is a fucking tragedy and much more sad face for us than the whatever-the-fuck-is-happening-with-GAME.  Game focus was a lovely little store that we'd frequently go to just browse. Not only did they have OLD FORMATS, pretty much every GBA and GC game I bought was from here but they used to have amazing displays of limited edition games, consoles and peripherals. Also they sold PlayStation promo copies for like a pound each. They did not give a fuck even though they were emblazoned with "PROMOTIONAL COPY NOT FOR RESALE".  The shop took a bit of a dive when they moved all the DVDs upstairs and the games to the basement and for some reason their amazing display cases got culled and the

GAME: Still dillusional

Previous whinging here. Today's developments are that GAME CEO sees their continued slide into financial troubles caused by the groups overeliance on hardware and hardware bundle sales to mean consumers want more hardware. Via MCV : "The hardware market was much more negative than the software market. That tells you the industry and the consumer is ready for more innovation there" Here we were staring at our Wii*, 3DS** and Xbox 360*** thinking we were waiting for new decent games to come out. Apparently, what we were secretly thinking was "Gosh! I would love to splash out a couple of hundred quid on a new console that provides marginally better graphics in these times of economic shitness". And I'm sure that the millions of people with consoles sitting under their televisions are thinking the same thing. You called it CEO Ian Shepherd, King of poor retail management and myopic business sense.  * Oh sorry I forgot, Last Story is due out this year

Windows 8 and Gaming

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I have been messing about with windows 8 recently. Just to see its compatibility with older games and just the general feel of it. Windows 8 upon start up presents you with a slide-to-unlock screen akin to the Windows Phone, though entirely pointless if you are not using a touchscreen (though a simple tap of the space bar works just as well, if not faster) you are then presented with an "app" screen. Its not too dissimilar to the windows phone or 360 interface, and feels a little iOS too, though it's debatable as to whether this is a good thing on a desktop/laptop: As you can see this is your typical workspace, undoubtedly designed for a touchscreen interface. You have apps (which when clicked on/tapped expand into their own fullscreen versions) as you can see, there is an inbuilt twitter/RSS/Weather and the Facebook app "Socialite" doesn't work currently. Those with keen eyes will also see Final Fantasy VIII! Well I just dug out my old copy of it an

Disgrace: The father of video games

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Two MCV links in as many days. Good on ya MCV, no doubt our publicity (we are the second greatest video game blog in all of existence as proved by science, probably the firs now as Harvind1 has seemingly gone offline) will give them a numbers boost. This interview with Ralph Baer over at the Salt Lake City Tribune has him bemoaning modern video games. MCV ran with the quote: “I think it’s a disgrace,” he told The Salt Lake Tribune. “What I created got abominated.” Now when we aren't not whinging , we often are whinging but Ralph doesn't feel the need (or it wasn't reported) quite what he finds disgraceful. Tom Nook's prices and stock rotation? The outrageous camping that goes on in Team Fortress 2? Nauseating DRM? Too many busty women in games? Not enough women working in games? The Water Temple in OoT? The fact that Rogue Squadron 2 boots you all the way back to the menu screen every time you fail a mission? That no other video game does water better than Baldur&

Digital Convergence and why it matters to gaming and Nintendo

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For the last 10 years, the consumer electronics industry has been converging towards mobile. At one point you would have all your digital devices, your digital camera, your camcorder, your MP3 Player, your Sat Nav, your PDA and your Mobile Phone all connected up to you PC which acted as a Digital hub for all that content and media.  Not that long ago right?  In fact I still have all of these devices, i just use them way less now or not at all.  These of course have been largely replaced by the one device to rule them all, the smartphone. I have used 4 smartphone platforms, Windows Mobile, Android, Blackberry and most recently iOS. I've gotta say carrying around one device rather than seven is obviously convenient, but only recently have these devices matured to a level where it's also realistic. When Apple CEO Steve Jobs was recently asked what the future of the PC was, he used an interesting automotive analogy.  " When we were an agrarian nation, a

SPOILERS!

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They're everywhere! Spoilers in my feed reader. Spoilers as my recommended reading. Spoilers everywhere. Soon you won't be able to open a web page without video game morons, fancying themselves as games journalists, alleviating you or the need to play a game because you've measured, weighed and decided a game is a 7/10 without pressing a button. The Official Nintendo Magazine are doing their level best to spoil the shit out of Pokemon Black and White, despite the fact that all of that and more is already up on Serebii albeit it not stretched out into over 100 'articles'. Marvel vs Capcom 3 has pretty much been spoiled too. If you haven't seen it, I won't spoil it for you now but if you have seen it, just take a second to the think how cool it would have been to have come across that in game without knowing it was coming. It would have been awesome times. There's probably a fucking FAQ up already on how to spoil the spoil out of that spoilers spoiled

Capcom's Monthly Loony Statement

“The casual gamer that used to play on the PC and the hardcore gamer that used to play on a dedicated gaming portable now plays on their smartphone,” This is probably true which is why we don't consider ourselves gamers anymore. We're just some outmoded relic who doesn't enjoy the flimsy, unreliable, download four updates every time you log in, this game was actually a better minigame in a proper game and jesus fuck who needs to play games on the bus anyway? type of gamer which is neither casual or hardcore. It's sad really because our pining for proper games equates us to that particular breed of film buff who only watches films with subtitles or films that are in black and white. Don't get us wrong, there's nothing wrong with a bit of [POPULAR MOBILE GAME IN THE GUARDIAN THIS WEEK] or [FACEBOOK GAME #1] but they don't quite provide the same level of fun as a game of Hogs of War or Wii Party nor do they really offer the rich experiences of Resident Evil

The Trashmaster

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Good machinima is very thin on the ground so it's with great joy that we direct you to go and watch a feature length filum called The Trashmaster, filmed inside GTAIV. Watch it here . The plot is as schloky as a Gears cutscene but the machinimatography is second to none. There's no hyperbole here but there are so many amazing shots crammed into 88 minutes you can't help but wonder at the eye for detail shown here. I've lived in that city but the filmakers have noticed details that makes me want to visit Liberty City again. Some of the shots in this film are ridiculous and we're willing to overlook sub-par narrative to congratulate the makers on a really really stunning piece of machinima. God knows how many hours were spent trying to set up the perfect shot and hopefully a bloopers reel will pop up sometime soon. Not only is it beautifully shot but this film is really a testimony to the highly detailed city that Rockstar built. Tiny little details that when highli

The High Street Experience

We bemoan the game retail industry. How is it that the cool world of games that independent blogs and magazines show us never manages to translate to the high street? The meatspace (ugh!) frontlines? We were in London this weekend (in 'town' the cool kids call it) and the excitement around Wednesdays Kinect launch was zero because HMV had closed its demo area. Also nice to see in John Lewis amongst the six DS games and five Wii games on sale was an amazing selection of 3D televisions with no 3D glasses available. The future is poorly staffed it seems......

Kinect. It's K-new

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If E3 was the Gulf of Mexico and Kinect an oil spill you can find all the sickly oily penguins trying to work out what the fuck over here . E.g "It is not possible to make any serious hardcore game without a controller with this level of technology." Fact. Brilliant. Also, bingo .

You don't say?

From EDGE " The Wii and DS markets have “collapsed”, according to Namco Bandai’s VP of sales, marketing and publishing Olivier Comte....... “It’s a tough market,” Comte told MCV . “We had a lot of product, and the average quality of a game on DS and Wii is very, very bad. So in the mind of the consumer today, to buy a DS or Wii game is to buy a game that isn’t very good." Namco's E3 lineup From ONM Namco Bandai Dragon Ball: Origins 2 (DS) Pac Man 2010 (TBC) . Okay so Pac Man 2010 might just be the Citizen Kane of games . No no. Fuck off Namco Bandai. Just fuck off.

The Virtual Revolution: A Breakdown

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Over the weekend we watched the first episode of The Virtual Revolution . A series all about the history of the web innit. Presented by I'm-A-Doctor-Now-Former-Bits-Presentertator-Aleks Krotoski. Anyway here's the breakdown just in case you missed it: 10% Gratuitous shots of Dr Al's breasts and butt. Really gratutitous. 5% Aleks nodding/glowing/gushing in the presence of an old San Franciscan. 15% Dr Aleks walking around looking pensive. 15% Dr Aleks walking around looking pensive with her shades on. 30% 5 of the richest men in the world celebrating how the web is the great 'leveller' specifically their software. 5% Bitter hippies claiming it's all gone to shit now. 7% Aleks looking into the camera and flicking her hair out of her eyes. 5% Aleks typing away on her laptop WITH HER MAN HANDS in the street near a famous landmark. 3% HIPPIES! 10% Some pointless graphic which was being 'unveiled' for the first time ever. Episode two i

The top ten of Iphone games/apps

Yes. I'm capitalizing Iphone and I'm spelling capitalizing like a yank. It's going to be one of those posts. But we mustn't shun the new platforms when they come out we should welcome them with open arms to join the fold. Recently, Steven Gates (is he the apple man? It really doesn't matter) tried to prove that the Iphone was the shit because it had more games than the DS and the PSP. By that reckoning the PC is then the best gaming device! Didn't think about that Gates did you, you lemon. Anyway, much like the Nintendo DS, the Iphone does have a whole load of steaming shit available for it with the occasional warm gem hidden in the pat. Nobody is going to suggest that any of them are all time greats but here's a summary of the best presented in the tried and tested Top 10 tradition: Top Ten Original Iphone Games. There isn't a single original Iphone game. Every Iphone game is either a port, a clone or in the worst cases an adaptation of a mini game