That guy's a Maniac...

The “future of gaming” is the new "are games art" question of new games journalism . Every amateur hack is whining on about whether it should be graphics? (Sony Lies, Xbox Lies and Nintendo Statistics) User-created ipodcatowningsecondlifesanfransisconofightingflickrpishimadeafourtyfootmodel ofmycatlisteningtoanipod? (Second Life) Or emotional storytelling (Ummm…) Well Fuckward journos if you put your mac down for two seconds we here at That Guy’s will set you straight. First of all games are inherently broken. Fix them please by following my easy recipe here . Secondly, fuck-online play. Soooo many console games have a one player mode, no splitscreen mode and a hashed-out-deathmatch-only-crappy-level-online aspect to it. Sure keep doing your MMORPGs but make fighting compulsory and let people ambush the guilds who endlessly hang around the hubs talking to each other. Now, if you want to make the next thing in gaming, I’m going to give the recipe to you right here and now: 1)

As much as i hate blogs which link to youtube: 1. David Bowie 2. More David Bowie 3. Echoes 4. More Echoes Enjoy!

Step 5. See David Gilmour. Yep well, this was the main reason I even ventured out of grey rainy Scotland . The concert was on Monday 29 th May at the Albert hall. And was IMMENSE, seriously one of the best fucking gigs of my life, EVER!!! For those of you who don’t know David Gilmour is, he is the Lead Vocalist and Guitarist in Pink Floyd, and if you don’t know who Pink Floyd are then: fuck off, curl up and die, and burn in hell you fucking philistine. I’d like to see anyone top this gig, I dare you: David Gilmour. Richard Wright (Pink Floyd vocalist/keyboardist). Crosby and Nash (From Crosby , Stills, Nash and Young) as his Harmony Vocals. David Gilmour. The Whole of his new album: On an Island. A 20 minute version of Echo’s ( a la Live in Pompeii ) David Gilmour. David Bowie!* David Gilmour. *Yeah! David Fucking Bowie ! The last two songs Daid Gilmour says, “I’d like to introduce on stage a good friend of mine… Mr David Bowie” then he sings the Syd Barrett s

Hey Zangief nice ears! Have you ever thought about male modelling? With that beard and that bulge , gamers of all persuasions would lust after you. Hey, in fact whilst other "boys" were pausing the screen whilst Chun-Li was kicking to get a flash of the pixellated gash but I was pausing you to get a nice ass shot .

Step 4. Purchase/Drink a Cosmopolitan with a Straight face. This was a Challenge actually set by one of the Scottish. The plan was to go to some “upmarket” pub/club and actually order a Cosmopolitan with a straight face. A fairly easy challenge, however due to the fact that London is big and Me and Cunzy have no sense of direction we failed miserably to even find a fucking “upmarket bar”. Hell we even fucked up going to the XL Centre in London’s Docklands for some Cars-tits-sports-jaropening conference (anime and video game conference) , we ended up in Islington because: 1. Islington has a conference centre 2. It’s in London Step 4: Purchase/Drink a Cosmopolitan with a Straight face. DENIED. Score: Richie 3: London 1 To be continued....

Cunzys top 10 computer game characters he like to get screenshots/photos of cos-players of, so that he can get hard, as nothing else does it now. Zangief Barret (but only with the Comedic Punching Glove weapon) Steiner All Kingdom Hearts Characters Nanaki (Red XIII) and his dad when he cries Paras Sweet Tooth Blinky Bill (shadow of memories) Walter Sulivan (Silent Hill 4) Default Man

Singing the Resident Evil 2 script in L337 to the Buffy the VAmpire Slayer Musical soundtrack on your ipod whilst roleplaying Magic: the Gathering in Yuna cosplay and wearing Nintendo Boxershorts with Advent Children in the background on the TV.

Richie's top ten hottest video game characters: 1) Sherry- RE2 2) Rikku- FFX (not FFX-2 ) 3) Ash Ketchum 4) Aeris (whilst she is dead, but still warm) 5) Young Lara Croft- Tomb Raider Legend & Chronicles 6) Cloud (During wheelchair sequence) 7) Little Cloud (During flashback sequence) 8) Little Aeris (During flashback sequence) 9) Marlene- FFVII 10) Nemesis- RE3 Dude. That is just wrong (except 1,2, 3, 4, 5, 7, 8 & 9). Sicko

Richie was asking about gay characters in computer games the other day. I wasn't I was watching straight porn, driving my massive 6 litre-4 cylinder-8 diameter alloyed car to play a sport whilst opening really tight jars for women. However are there any? Other than Tara and Willow in the Buffy games. There are a lot of trannys and this seems to be ok with the Japanese and the Federation-of-American-Mothers-for-the-purification-of-filth-on-all-types-of-media-god-that-bastard-father-of-your-is-working-late-at-the-office-again. However, bona-fide out there gay characters seem to be a no-no. How about an aggressive gay beat'm'up character who says "Show me the Butt" when he wins? There are the gay guys in vice city who walk around saying lyrics from YMCA (I presume they are gay. My American friend tells me that they all wear blue Hawaian Shirts and have ginger hair). There is also Squall who passes up the chance to tap Quistis to spend it moping around saying ..... to

I did this a while ago, I was trying to be impartial, but instead I pretty much explain the whole game… Soulcalibur 3: Changing the face of Fighting Back in 1996 - The Spice Girls were on their Global Domination, the Prodigy were starting fires, Jim Carrey was sorting Ferris Bueller’s Cable TV, and Channel 4 was our last salvage for late night Manga. Some of us were also surfing the glorious learning curve of a game called Soul Blade on the Playstation. Soul Blade (Namco) when released was often referred to as Tekken with swords, and to a certain extent “they” were correct as many of the mechanics integral to the Tekken series were translated to this game. However Soul Blade mixed these Tekken Mechanics with Stunning Character designs, breathtaking visuals, a music score (which offered a remix option) worthy of carrying round on your Discman, and on top of all that the characters had big wooshy Swords! The Soul Blade/Soulcalibur series is now going into its 10th year, th

I have a confession to make. Richie lost a game of Guitar Hero to a girl. No shame there you might say! But he actually plays the guitar. And he is a "boy".

Decided to research whether this stupidly named Alcohol had a site or not, and it fucking does! http://www.cockspurrum.com/ However the site doesnt work: Aparrently being 76 is too young to view the site... Well done Cocks(pur).

Step 3. Drink Alcohol. Right so, Arrived in London , found a place to stay, now its time to DRINK. We proceed to the nearest alcohol shop and set ourselves the challenge of drinking the funniest sounding alcohol we can find… We end up with “Cockspur”, which immediately conjures up images of some kind of old-west penis piercings. We then line up the shot glasses (all 2 of them), shove on Super smash brothers Melee, and play a variety of Drinking games: Every time we loose, take a shot. Every time we win, take a shot. Every time Richie makes us loose, take a shot. Every time Cunzy11 is the last man standing, take a shot. Every time you breathe, take a shot. Etc. Now this was around the time we realised the old curve of peak games playing vs. drunkenness. There is definitely an optimal drunken state where it enhances your gameplay, however this state is hard to pin-point due to, well… being drunk. However I’m sure we will make a concerned effort in the future to find this p

Step 2. Find Cunzy11 After landing in sunny(ish) Stansted Airport I was treated to a new challenge: Getting from Stanstead to London . Much to my delight there was a large sign saying, “This way for trains to Central London ”. But before I go further I should note that I took a train from Glasgow to Prestwick Airport which was a 50 minute journey costing £2.30. So I’m in the train station under Stansted Airport, I see some service called the “Stansted express”, but I do not see any ticket vendors, I do however see some foreign tourist with the typically huge rucksack, fumbling with a machine that seems to have swallowed his card, So FUCK using that. I get on the train, park myself down, and look around the carriage. There is a sign: Stansted Express £21 return to Central London . Twenty-one pounds! Gutted! That’s almost a 1000% mark up on the Glasgow to Prestwick Train. Sucks. So I sit on the train pretending to listen to my iPod, I say pretending, I’m actually just praying to Go

On this past Saturday I ventured to the abscesses of England , to London . Essentially this trip was to see the mighty David Gilmour at the Albert hall, but I also decided to pay a visit to an old army-buddy (Well, I say “old army-buddy”: a Uni-mate in his early twenties) called Cunzy11. Anyway the roster for the trip was as follows: Make it to London . Find Cunzy11 Drink Alcohol Purchase/Drink a Cosmopolitan with a Straight face. See David Gilmour. Break into the Big Brother house. Get home. Step 1: Make it to London . First off: there was no fucking way I was travelling to the depths of England in a bus for like a Million hours so, I bought some of the bog-standard internet flight tickets from Glasgow to London. After venturing for an hour on the Train I finally make it to the airport with 45mins to spare (as the tickets said). Well, I check in and the Big-Magical-Screen-of-all-knowing says “Flight Closed” so I fuck about in the airport, wander through W

Richie plays WoW. I don't and never will. Why? you ask when every blogger goes on about it and Youtube and Googlevideo are jammed with WoW videos. Firstly, PC gaming. PCs are inherently broken except Macs but we all know about Mac users. More often than not the lastest, and allegedly greatest, games cannot be played on your 2 day old PC unless you turn graphics, mouse, power and sound off even then it grinds to playing at 2.5 fps before blue screen death. Secondly, RPGs in general are not hard. There is no skill involved other than menu juggling. All it takes is a lot of time. Put in x-hours reach x-level repeat. If you wrote down a list of your in game acheivements it would read like a really boring diary. Went here, got this, went here got this. levelled up, went here etc. I read somewhere on a forum that a WoWer was sick of "flinch" games such as FPS, driving games, beat em ups etc. taking the limelight in e-games and on the increasing number of Webchannels. Could you

Welcome to the cyber love child of Richie and Cunzy11's Brain, and while you ponder that disturbing image, I'll be working on the reason that this digital farce ever came into being.

Due to the overwhelming success of our previous blogs we have decided to collaborate in order to bring you the latest reasons why Richie is a homo who is pretty bad at games. Enjoy