I'm making a note here

Yes. HUGE SUCCESS. See we are cool and down wit' the kids. Anyway, the subject of todays' post concerns some much needed, early spring cleaning. Looking at the internet, it seems that gamers and their tedious memes are everywhere, but as gamers we need unanimously agree that there are some things we should stop talking about. Seriously, get over it. Move on. All the time, waffling on about the same things over and over again. Filling up Fora, Blogs, Comments and Youtube with inane points and counterpoints which have been made before in a much better way. In the end, no one cares. All vidjo games and vidjo gamers could dissappear tommorrow and the rest of the world would carry on as normal, perhaps even function a bit better. So, here's a list of stuff that I propose we eject from the gaming community's vocabulary so that we don't waste what precious little time we have talking about imaginary playworlds:

1) All games before August 1995.
None of them were any good really were they? No, I know you think they were great but really, they weren't were they. I'm looking at you Way of the Rodent with your incessant nostalgia for Tempest and Elite. In fact let us not only forget all games before August 1995 let's just pretend the 70s and 80s never happened. That should clear up a big chunk of the internet currently occupied by middle aged men who use their website to justify their gaming "hobby" to other middle aged men whilst their wives cry themselves to sleep and contemplate getting real husbands. Let's just agree that the SNES was the first console and Killer Instinct the first game. It's time to let the embarassing heritage go.

2) The Jeff Gerstmann thing.
Who? I made this note last year but I can't for the life of me remeber who or what this is. Oh well, forgotten already I guess.

3) Metroid and Zelda games.
Come on now. Just say the names to yourself. "Zelda", "Metroid", "Link". If you wanted to sound like a 90s film geek you should just play Magic the Gathering. There's no need for these franchises. They didn't add anything to the gaming landscape in general (especially now that the 80s and early 90s don't exist). It's high time Nintendo put them out to pasture and, I dunno, put together some new IPs? Hey, there's an idea.

4) Deus Ex.
Not as hideously name dropped, as say Ico (or Fallout all of a sudden?), to show to other gamers that you lay somewhere on the spectrum of gamers between "saddo who imports Japan only releases and makes arcade cabinets in your spare time" and "Person who only buys Fifa and Halo but has friends, likes cars and watches football". Which, is fair enough. You have to let other gamers know where you are on the spectrum before the flaming proper can begin. But Deus Ex? It was mediocre at best.
That's Department for Culture MEdia and Sport
5)Bioshock
That was sooo last year. In 2 months it will be completely forgotten so let's speed this process up and shut up about Rapture post-haste yes? Or if you absolutely have to mention it, call it Bioschmock okay?

6)The modding community and homebrewers.
No one wants to play the PSP using their iphone or use a Wii mote as a mouse or play Elite on their microwave. The only reason your sad techie projects get any "news" time from the internet is because occassionally there's nowt else going on. Slow news days are when the DS mod stories get rolled out. Invest your time better. You're obviously intelligent people with a lot of time on your hands so why don't you work on X-ray specs or teleporting devices already. As brilliant as Pong on your vibrator may be, just because you can do something doesn't mean you should.

7)World of Warcraft
Remember when everyone was talking about this game? Those crazy adverts? Terra Nova? Those nude protests and gay guilds? What a shit game. There weren't even any decent guns. Let's forget that embarassing episode of the 2000s and move on.

8)The PC versus console gaming debate/argument
Yes, every now and then this little gem rears it's ugly head. Consoles are rubbish right? Doing now what PCs were doing 20 years ago. Just look at the new red ring of death feature on the Xbox 360. PCs have been doing that forever. Plus, in PC FPSs you can turn on the spot! As for PCs, top end gaming rigs cost an arm and a leg and still can't play current games at top specs and, well, PC gamers are lonely creatures. They don't need friends to play games with because they can go online with other emotionally stunted weirdos. Also, most PC gamers play MMOs or Resource Management Games. That's right, Resource Management 'games'. We need to band together as gamers as a whole people because ultimately, you're all sad monkeys wasting your life on virtual play machines that are rightly deemed as low brow culture. Which, brings us nicely onto:

9) Justifying games.
Games as art, games as emotional experiences, games as storytelling. Yeah right. Games are art in the same way that Eastenders is art. They are emotional experiences exclusively for the average emotionally retarded gamer and there's not a single storyline in video games that wasn't stolen from Hollywood. Unless you count Silent Hill, Metal Gear Solid and Final fantasy but they don't really count because their stories are just really long and quite stupid but because they are so long your mind tends to iron out the really really bad bits and strings the rest together to form some kind of sweeping cogent epic. As for the Wiitards who keep bashing on about the Halo storyline being anything other than "unbelievably tiresome and cliched, if in fact it does exist at all" they are so neotenous they only deserve our sympathy because I imagine it must be very hard to be a ten year old stuck in the body of a 25 year old. Games exist solely for you to waste money and time waiting to die and hopefullydistracting you from the politicians who piss all your taxes up the wall and into prozzies mouths. If you can manage to have a kid sometime in between then it might not all be in vain, otherwise your just putting in all that time and effort which you will never get back, into midly diverting fantasy where you can either kill goblins, shoot spaceships or win the world cup with Scotland. Storylines, art and emotions do not come into it. So shut up.

10)Portal
Yes we're sick of it already. Look, you must must realise the fascination has become uncool now because this guy is doing the song live and normal people seem to enjoy* it. This isn't on gamers. Stop trying to get normal people 'in on the secret' because when gaming gets breakthrough popular we'll all have to abandon it to find some other alternative pursuits to whine on the internet about.


*My knowledge of the colourful peoples that make up America is: Rednecks in the South, Gangs in the East and West and Stepford Wives everywhere else. So maybe cringy geekery is the norm for the good people of Atlanta? Maybe there are no normal people in Atlanta. Who knows and or cares?

Comments

Quadbee said…
Hi there, erm i disagree with calling warcraft shit i would call it crap because of young eyes and then you would get alot of parents complaining that their children are writing shit because of someone called cunzy1 1 said that warcraft was, oh and you spelt remember wrong so heres so help R.E.M.E.M.B.E.R because not only have you spelt it wrong, have spelt it badly wrong!!!!!!!! please take this comment into consideration because i'm starting to get a pain in my brain from ya and its telling me funny ideas like TO SHOT YOU TO HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Quadbee said…
some help (SHIT!!!! SHIT!!!), Gay i fucked up aswell well lets hope they don't notice.
Quadbee said…
SHIT!!! now i've posted that i've fucked up and now their gunna know, SHIT what do i do??????? erm i know cover it up.........................................................
quadbee said…
Erm yes its me again i would just like to say that......erm ......... YOUR ALL GAY, run, run, run, fucking run and they will never know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHhahahahahahahahah, bing*(thats my attempt of like a pokemon sketch when the team rocket fly into the sky and then go bing which in turn means i have dissapered, not into the sky but the running away thing and the......... oh don't worry about it i've gone ok!!! fuck sake
Cunzy11 said…
Well, hellloooo MR. Fancypants. Ha! You ain't fast enough for him. I don't know where his jack rabbit frog legs are running him to.

Popular posts from this blog

An Omastar Is For Life

The Sheva from Resident Evil 5 Nude Cheat