Tuesday, October 31, 2006

HAPPY 6 MONTHS

6 month party tonight! Bring a bottle. No gay women allowed
Yeah! Thatguys is 6 months old. If only we were a webcomic then we'd have an excuse to post a picture of our lead female dressed like a slut.

Of course it may not be cause to celebrate. There was no site for the whole of September and half of the stuff we put up was inane. Some would argue the other half was also inane but what the fick do they know?

Thanks to: Ash, Brother of Chunkysalsa, Chadey, Chunksalsa, Chuff_72, Dr.Wo69, Hellbound Anals, KaiserTia, LolaGirl, Miss Bea Havin from 90's playstation magazine Playstation Pro, Monfuche, Quadbee, Retardo, Satyrwyld (we miss you honey), Shig, Reggie F, Joe Kendo and Marvin Branagh.

Thanks also to EDGE magazine who made us their website of the month back in April this year.

I'll leave you with some of our favourite comments:

"..by looking at your blog.... I can't expect you to understand how it feels to want you both daily. My fingers plumb the depths where I wish you were"- E-tartes HeavenDue Devils

"Seat-wettingly enticing"- Miss Bea Havin' from 90's Playstation magazine Playstatio Pro

"by reading you, I have a further chance to feel intelligent and sterile"- Jesse Jenkins Editor of Heat Magazine Italy

"Funny shit dudes"- Our pal Isshi

"I love the way all the comments are between themselves"- Mr.AIDS 2006

Thanks Guys

War on Bloggers!

As a follow up to one of our subsidiary blog, the Triforce’s article on Video games journalism.

Step by step guide to becoming a Video Games journalist.

1) Sit down in front of your PC.

2) Give up, realise the crushing truth that your opinion on a media, which can barely be classified as an entertainment form let alone an art form, is no more valid just because you think you realised the hidden depth behind playing games, or indeed you think that you may be good at playing them. How does that make your opinion on a media which can barely blah blah blah, any more valid than the next plebeian geek with an internet connection. It doesn’t. Granted there are different scales of games journalism:

Fanboyalism – I love Nintendo, I love Xbox, I love Sega (sic UK:R), I love Animal Crossing.
Japanalism – I love Japanese titles, I love anime babes/guys.
Retroism – I love games that don’t have polygons.
Obscuralism – I love games that no one knows about.
This list is not comprehensive, but should illustrate a point.

And each one, I suppose, can merit someone’s opinion. In each of these little bubbled niches there is always some geek (or worse a plethora* of geeks) complaining about the industry, that they are struggling to make it to the “big-time”, with each one happily willing to die by their principle of why a game/console/company is crap, then “sell-out” to a magazine or Internet games review site.

Which then brings you to the validity of whether games journalism is indeed journalism at all. What do these blogs/sites actually bring to the public focus, aside from some bigoted, opinionated view on news which can be read on mainstream site, who maintain the same morals yet are considered a cog in the machine? Well in amongst the propaganda they do offer the little-guys view and coupled with the multitude of other similar themed sites, can give a general view of the “problems” with the games industry. But the truth is all they do bring is us is games themed entertainment, When was the last time you read for instance UK: Resistance and thought, “That was and insightful article, I’m glad that that news story was brought to my attention.”? The truth would probably never, however you will come away pissing yourself laughing because of an obscure clique-ish joke or observation on the unrealised sexual connotations of a game title.

So then set up your own blog with your own “funny” commentary rehashing potentially every other blog site out there.

Games bloggers know your role… you ain’t journalists…

3) Read Gamespot.com, no-one gives a shit about your opinion.

Note: This post is not part of the Official “So you want to be a games journalist?” blog project. Others:
[1] | [2] | [3] | [4] | [5] | [6] | [7] | [8] | [9] | [10]

*Plethora many not be the best collective noun for geeks, Suggested collective names:

A Meg of geeks
A reject of geeks
A smell of geeks
A splummed keyboard of geeks
feel free to add some more suggestions

Mr.Sony Reprise

Oh deary deary me.

Lies, fake videos and screenshots
The Boomerang
Nobody wants blu-ray
Lies
£450-£500
Delay
Not enough dev-kits
Tilt sensitive pish
Rumours about non rechargable controllers
Broken Blu-ray components
Not enough for Europe
Microtransaction madness
Going to court to make sure none will get to the UK early
Japan only discount
Really shitty line up

Monday, October 30, 2006

Classic Bloggage

Here in Blogsville we love blogging and the blogosphere almost as much as google-image searching Japanese girls' names with safe search well and truly off. Or discussing the Wikipedia entry for Pokeshipping or The Internet. However, what we don't do is that viral kind of blogging seen here here here here and here.

Posts like this:

"Netscaper just uploaded this link from Fiery Conduit's random vegan mash up site because he found this photo set on Flikr about this guy's wife's Burning Man photos. BurningMan Cats= :)= :)= :)"

We all know how to find Burning Man Cat photos, hell half of FLikr and Technorati is Burning Man Cat Photos. But you know San Fran, as no-one calls it, it's Zany, Wacky, Crazy, Random, Mad & Mental.

However, today I show you this link. It sums up second life and if the guys from Something Awful weren't the guys from Something Awful, their video would probably be up for a Sanny, or whatever, they call the Second Life film festival awards.

Go here to see more rubbish, ill conceived, jerky cam, "deep", thought inspiring, rubbish, worse than that picture we can never bring ourselves to blog, SL, machinima*

* Machinima is an umbrella term used to desribe really bad, like "Indie film" bad, films that are worse than that still. Most aren't even films. Two of them are OK unless you've seen any TV in the last twenty years or played a video game in the last hundred. Or seen fireworks at all. Even if you've only read about fireworks or flashing lights maybe. Seriously. The FMV for Doom II on the SNES* was better in terms of overall aims, design and production

* By FMV I mean the bit of fire which came from the bottom of the screen

Thatguys bites the bullet...

Right well… It happened, we all knew it had to at some point. One of us actually played Katamari, so rather than bad-mouthing it because loads of other people like it, we can actually bad-mouth it based on our own opinions. Unfortunately, in an unexpected turn of events, the game is actually good. I’m sure everybody out there knows the basic concept of rolling up rubbish into a big ball. But there is a tad more to this game, graphics are clean, and the controls are a lot of fun to master. Aside form this and I must emphasize this, Its all about the feeling you get when the ball gets bigger and bigger each time it does the camera resets and you can pick up bigger things… Yeah I know this review is like a year too late, but still, you know… has to be done

Thursday, October 26, 2006

TGAM- Field Trip

So on Saturday just gone, Chuff_72, Cunzy1 1, Chades/Chadey? Chunkysalsa and Artiste extrordinaire Brother of Chunkysalsa visited the Science Museum’s Game On exhibition!

Here’s the review:

Firstly it was expensive, too expensive. £8.50? Then again that’s about what I’d spend in an arcade, before my heroin addiction that is. They had a good selection of games, over 100!, old and new. Chades, anxious to show the world her calling, absolutely rocked the house on Guitar Hero (Franz Ferdinand, Take Me On, Expert) beating the top score by 150000, getting 98%, five stars and managing to attract a small crowd which applauded her after she finished. That poor kid ChadeyIt almost makes up for denying a kid who wanted to play a duet with her. He then ran out of the exhibition, probably crying.

A good mix of formats and accessories were on display or wired up for use singstar, dance mats, Nintendo power glove!, Guitar Hero, Net Yaroze, …. We were amazed that most of the games had the original controllers. Controllers which I am positive will be broken, dirty and possibly stolen by the end of this week. There was some classic Salsa action on the Beat’em ups and the silly witch game (name please?) showed who was best at videogames (Me- ha 187). There was a weird atmosphere throughout the exhibition space but most gamers responded positively to our goading/shouting/winding up, especially some legend who was playing Space Invaders on a big screen. For obvious reasons a lot of the classics weren’t there Doom, GTA, Quake, Time Crisis, Thrill Kill etc. Networked games (aside from Halo) were also absent. For not so obvious reasons there was no Duck hunt, Toe Jam and Earl or Donkey Konga.

The exhibition could have benefited more from a section, at least, of “traditional” museum display. As it happened many gamers (and non-gamers) were so enthralled by the hands on stuff available that the excellent interpretation adorning the walls was overlooked by many. After the exhibition a few of us went to the pub to talk games. The That Guy’s crew had a laugh and hopefully we can arrange some more fieldtrips for the future.

If you get a chance do go along, they do stipulate that you can only stay in the gallery for about an hour and a half. We overstayed this and it didn’t get busy and we didn’t get kicked out. If you go on a weekend there will be a queue for most of the games and there is only a minority of people who didn’t seem to understand that it isn’t winner stays on if there is a queue of people behind you.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Kingdom Hearts 2: WHERE'S THE GAME!!!

So I recently bought Kingdom hearts 2, having been a fan of the first one. However I find myself running into a couple of issues. Firstly there is TOO MANY CUT-SCENES, I know, I know, the game is from Disney and they want to have all the characters and the plot involved with them, but still, I don’t want a 5-10 minute cut-scene every time I enter/leave/move in a new area. Nor do I want a cut-scene which bears no resemblance to the main plot of the game. Secondly there is no where near enough fighting! The enemies are painfully easy to beat, if you encounter a shed load of enemies you know you will wipe them out using little to no healing. Aside to this I unlocked the tournament mode thinking “YEAH, finally just some non-stop fighting”… nope cleared it in one go again far too easy, now I have to wait till I can unlock the next tournament, by playing through more pissy plot.

Speaking of Pissy Plot, I went to Atlantica, The Little Mermaid World. And well I get there and what happens, no enemies, just a FUCKING MUSICAL... A FUCKING MUSICAL, seriously all you do is press X at the right time, it’s like a rhythm game with no effort put into it. Poor Disney/Sqenix, very poor.

Quote from Fanboy#6

Overall I give it 9.7/10 because it has Disney and Final fantasy in it (I masturbate over my Advent Children Cloud figure, I have now coated it completely)

P.S. VGcats made this point ages ago, however as the Americans got the game ages before us UK folkies i had no idea what they were talkin about.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Chuff_72 SELLS OUT!!

Chuff_72 was heard typing

"shhh don't tell anyone, but I think I'm gonna get a 360"
This is from the guy who helped set up SONY and the original Playstation and made gaming the cultural force it is today. This shocking turn of events (for those of you who don't know what this means) is akin to Tony Blair unveiling his schlong and "smegming" up George W.Bush's face the next time he sees him. It also highlights just how bad SONY have fucked up for this Bigwig in the games industry to jump ship.
Remember people you saw it here first.

Xbox 360 Visualiser...

...Sucks.

1. It is made by Llamasoft Jeff "I should have stopped with the Amiga" Minter's company.
2. Music does not sync up with the images.
3. All the images are subliminal, either with floating X's or floading boxes.
4. When chaning tracks the visualiser must be cancelled, then the user has to scroll through the songlist whith annoying blips and bloops.
5. Someone who has watched it has probably killed someone. (Help me Jack, the visualiser made me kill.)

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Dragon ball: Tenkaichi Budokai 2! Wnak

This one is especially for Cunzy as he LOVES the Dragonball Series, I don't know that uch about it because I'm 25 and dont watch cartoons anymore.


It comes out on the 27th October! it has 130 characters, I dare you to name one other fightin game with that many characters, I DARE YOU.

Friday, October 13, 2006

Playstation 3 only £500!

WHoa! So it's been a bit Hellbound Angels round here with all the updates. However, today's update has some serious gravity. Bully the New Rockstar Game has been targeted by Jack Thompson and no doubt the International American Unsatisifed Angry Housewives and Mothers For Justice (IAUAHaMFJ). The Beeb has the scoop.

"I'm pretty sure that the game is harmful to minors," Mr Thompson told the Washington Post newspaper.

Seriously who gives a shit about minors anymore? Minors smoke, drink, get pregnant, get fat, get kidnapped by paedos, beaten by American Mothers, beaten by their fathers, fiddled with by Uncle Amber, bullied at school, get mumps, chicken pox, peform inordinate amounts of fellatio in the back of cars, take lots of drugs beat up the ederly, don't have to work, they still fall in love and they don't have bills to pay.

SOUNDS LIKE THE LIFE WE ALL WISH WE COULD HAVE!!. I reckon if Jack Thompson and the concerned mothers of America had a week of living like a minor (see above) they realise that the last thing they need proteting from is some video game that depicts that which you can see in the street, read about in the paper or watch in the news.

Jack Thompson should be protecting me because I've reached that time of life where dissolution has set in. I'm also really impressionable too so I'm pretty convinced that after I play Canis Canem Edit I'm going to go down to my local hardware store, buy myself a semi and then start capping kids left right and centre. Then when I'm arrested I'm going to say "Where were you Jack Thompson. Always protecting the kids. What is your obsession with harming children anyway? But where were you Jack to protect me? Adults are people too."

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Buzzword(s): Micro-transaction

Micro-Transaction: (adj)
1. A small payment taken from a holding sum.
2. a very small transaction.
3. Anal Rapage.

Right for those of you who dont know Micro Transactions are getting more and more widespread throughout the gaming community. X-Box live is already a user of this system, the user buys some Points using real world cash, the points are then redeemed for virtual "prizes"from in game content to Dashboard skins. But where does it all end? Lately i heard some rather sick news, the Gran Turismo that will be coming out for the PS3 will be reliant on these Micro-Transactions. The game will come with a poultry amout of cars and tracks, the user then purchases cars and tracks based on the progress he/she has made. Anyways GT team are saying that there will be literally 100's of extra content to download. I did some calculations based on the prices they gave and it totalled just under $1000 for all tracks and cars...

$1000 to get a 100% complete rating

Fuck that.

The NES was pushing it but...

According to Guardian Gamesblog there will not only be NES, SNES, N64, Master system and Megadrive games available to download via "micro-transactions" but also Commodore 64 titles. This tenuous link allows me to talk about the last great game to ever come out on the C64.

Mayhem in monsterland was a platformer from Apex (The creators of Creatures) and published by Codemasters. It was a great wee game each level was split in 2 with the dark world and light world. In the dark world Mayem (the yellow dinosaur pictured above) would collect magic dust from all over the level then hand it in to a giant dinosaur who would spread it round the land making it a light and happy world.
Mayhem had two main attacks, he could jump on enemies heads (a la Mario) or do a dashing spin attack (a la Sonic), and as much as these attacks were the norm of the time the game (which many were lacking at this time) had a real sense of style and playability. Anyways check out the site, apparently there is a java version for mobiles (eugh), and fingers crossed for a Wii version...

WORLD VIDEO GAME EXCLUSIVE

Alt text gives you the face AIDS, don't tell anyone about it or they'll all be looking at Alt text.We were lucky enough to bag an interview with the Woman (Homophobia) behind the soon to be released Tunnel B1. It was a really good interview too

R.I.P Old Friend

This is the eulogy I gave at a recent friend's funeral. Sorry for the mushiness but I'm just so upset :(

It felt like we never really got to know you, you were taken from us too early. When you first walked into our lives, we were full of darkness and violence but you were like a ray of light through the dark. You had such a sense of fun just like your old man.

The reason you aren't here today is immediately obvious, you just weren't supported here. Overly long "Localisation" processes, zero visibility in many stores especially GAYM, expensive second hand games, months and months with less single format releases than the Xbox 360. Yet look at those you brought to us; Eternal Darkness, Super Smash Brothers, Resident Evil 4, Pikmin and Animal Crossing to name but a few. You showed us the full extent of what could be done with limited gubbinz under the hood when other formats were releasing rubbish clones of old games but, even back then the beginning of your end had already begun. Resident Evil 4, hailed by all who played it on you as the greatest game of all time, showed the world your potential yet it wasn't until the release on the Playstation 2 that it really took off and as the PS2 basked in the flashing lights of photographers you stood in the shadows, whispering "But it was on me first, it was me."

I see the GBA is here, everyone knew that you two would have a very passionate relationship as soon as the GBA-GC Cable came out. For the first time we got to know the interconnectivity that you kept going on about, but it wasn't enough. One or two games worth buying all the gear for until the developers gave up they wanted a new gimmick.

Now that you are gone, it is up to our new friends the DS and the Wii to carry on the legacy. You were never as ground breaking as your older relatives and it is unlikely that you'll be recorded in the history books, yet you won't fade into obscurity, not in the hearts of us, who, maybe just for one or two games saw the true platform you were, fun, beautiful and unique.
Fucking stupid ass Nintendo how could you give up on it! HOW COULD YOU!!
R.I.P Gamecube (2001-2006)

Monday, October 02, 2006

And... we're back

Yeah so apologies to all our fans! but we're back up and running now sorry for the extended break, we shall blame this on our Hosting Site people making love to the "Gay-button".

Things that happened after we were so rudely removed from the internet...

Wii relese date announced.
More Sony Lies.
Sony Racism
UK:R does amusing post.
Kingdom Heart II released (then i released)
I quit WoW

Anyways Good to be back, enjoy.