Status Check: Are Mobile Games Any Good Yet?

Chuff_72 is an occasional correspondent who has been even more (or is that less) occasional in recent years because, well, here's his story.

Chuff_72 used to be a proper gamer. He used to run a clan. He has an impressive collection of games, particularly an amazing collection from the PlayStation era. Then, as happens to us all, life happened. A job, a girlfriend (who does not tolerate gaming on the family TV) and a mortgage meant that game time just disappeared. Gaming was reserved for rare geekends, two filthy days holed up with other men, geeking out on video games, CCG and movies. Then one of the geeks died. And one moved to America. And now we meet maybe three times a year. A sorry existence for Chuff with but a fingernail hold into the world of gaming. Then the Xbox 360 broke. Now his only window into gaming is finding games to play on the iphone on the daily commute. We're informed that mobile games are the future, well here's a perspective from someone who used to be a gamer trying to itch that scratch stabbing a tiny touch screen...

I have a daily commute of about an hour, plus I guess 30 minutes for lunch. This is my gaming time.

Going forward I hope to be providing the sort of gripping, informative and insightful reviews that will inspire the sort of dedicated following the likes of the great nodpad and achieve.

So without further preamble here is my World Exclusive Review of:

Jetpack Joyride

I just checked My Profile in Jetpack Joyride; Time Spent In Game 15 Hours 29 Minutes 26 Seconds. FIFTEEN FUCKING HOURS. FIFTEEN!!!!!

Sure, I've finally unlocked the golden dragon (named Mr Cuddles! ROFLAS (roll on floor laughing and shitting)), which joins the ranks of "Final Unlockable That Once You Unlock Never Gets Used As There Is No Point In Playing The Game Anymore". In this case it was more a sense of relief, finally, I can delete this addictive little shit of a glorified mini game and get back to Final Fantasy Tactics.

Except I can't. Trying to play Tactics when my brain has been deconstructed and re-built for 30 second bursts of fun and incremental rewards, is actually painful:

-Select Archer
-Rotate map to find enemy
-Select square to move too
-Select Act
-Select Aim
-Select Ability Aim +3
-Select Enemy
-Select Enemy AGAIN
-Select Perform
-Select Direction
-Wait for indefinite period of time as all the enemies move about and I have to move all my other dudes too. HOPE THE GUY YOU ARE AIMING AT DOES NOT MOVE.
-Of course he moves. Why wouldn't he, it was his turn, I can’t feel too aggrieved with the dude. I was threatening him with arrows and shit, I would have moved if I was in his place. He could have had a family back home, maybe a copy of Animal Crossing to baust, can't wait to get home as his Star Wars BluRay arrived but just as he was about to screen A New Hope for his kids one of his mates comes to him with One Last Job, etc.
-Archer fires at where the enemy selected was about five (real) minutes ago. The enemy is currently disemboweling one of your Chemists on the other side of the map.

I was fine with this for about 20 hours, but now this process has become too slow, too irritating.

See that screenshot of me having sexy face time with a scientist? That is all you need to know about the game. It is also an accurate representation of what it does to the player.

Final Scores:
Jetpack Joyride has ruined Final Fantasy Tactics out of 10.


Popular posts from this blog

Devil May Cry 4: Best. Cosplay. Ever.

An Omastar Is For Life