Legend of Zelda Skyward :(

Wii game Legend of Zelda Skyward Sword is due out in less than a month and already, with some predictability, it is picking up some great reviews. The EDGE review goes as far as to say "How apt that this ultimate tale of hero-making should see Nintendo’s hardware become the console it was always meant to be." and ONM gives the game 98%. The editorial of this month's EDGE encapsulates how we feel about modern gaming. Oh how we've forgotten what "proper" gaming was with the seemingly unstoppable tide of "games" you "play" on your phone. This is gaming. That sense of wonder at a virtual world that is unique to the feeling that games give you.

We should be happy. LoZ:SS is evidence (alongside Xenoblade Chronicles and the upcoming project rainfall releases) that there's life in the Wii yet and further proof that graphics do not necessarily make a great game. Much like the Gamecube, at a time when the Wii is increasingly referred to as a "legacy platform" there's a number of releases showing that actually some developers are only just getting into their stride. Skyward Sword also finally makes Motion Plus a thing that you should own. We don't have any motion plus controllers and who can blame us, look at this list. It's also proof of the Nintendo magic that lesser game companies can only hope to replicate.

So why aren't we shouting from the forumtops that you can stick your HD platforms up your arse because there's more to gaming than man shooters and HD rereleases? Why aren't we pointing to games like Rage and Deus Ex and snorting milk out of our noses that a Wii release is pissing all over these supposedly "grown up games". Everyone knows the Wii is for babies. Well the problem is, I can't stand LoZ games.

It's not that I haven't tried. I've started Ocarina of Time, Majora's Mask and Link's Awakening. I even downloaded the free 25th Anniversary Edition main series spin-off Four Swords (available now, for free to all DSi and 3DS owners) and gave that a go. I just don't see the hook. I'm bemused at how OoT regularly tops "best games of all time lists" and whereas fans may be pouring over all the details of the upcoming game I can't help but get pissed off on ONM's 425th LoZ "article". I could not give a monkeys to be honest and here's sort of why:

1) Link is a dick. Much like Dr Who, the ever changing but somehow always the same Link is a douche. He has stupid clothes and a stupid face. He makes stupid noises and spends way too much time hanging out with fairies. Only douches hang out with fairies so much.

2) Hyrule (and all those other places which may or may not be Hyrule) is boring. Proper dull. Even the cut and paste towns of early Final Fantasies feel like vibrant communities when compared to the dull settlements in LoZ games. All the villagers seem to have Minimata disease. I don't feel compelled to help them at all.

3) Rupees. What even is a rupee? Why are they in the grass? What kind of economy revolves around items that can readily be found everywhere? Who manufactures so many treasure chests just to store things you can find in long grass? Sounds like a dodgy contract to me.

4) The same old stuff. Every game that stupid sword and shield and bombs and a boomerang and some kinda musical instrument.

The list goes on. The stupid races with silly names, that ginger antagonist, the impossible task of stringing together the canon. What even is the fucking triforce? I just don't get it. The games don't compel me and its not like I have a high threshold, I've poured hundreds of hours into Pokemon Channel. Every now I feel like I'm being a sour puss so I dig out the N64 and put Ocarina of Time on. By the time I've got to that hedge maze I'm done. I want out. I want to use my precious gaming time on a game I might like. Stupidly, I'm a huge fan of Link's Crossbow Training and part of me want to give Twilight Princess another shot so I can see where all the levels in this, essentially, a light gun tech demo come from. Perhaps its because Link doesn't actually feature in it much? Will I give Skyward Sword a shot? Maybe if/when it ever comes down in price, although Nintendo games never seem to come down in price. A testament to how good they are perhaps?

What about you non-existant reader? Do you have game series that you just don't seem to get? Wanna start a therapy group to find out what's wrong with you? Comment or die.


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