Comic Book Capers

Today children we are looking at Comic Book Superheroes. We are going to make some sweeping judgements and then try to apply deep philosophy to it just like all those Geeks did to the first matrix. Do you remember that readers? After the first matrix, the people who dressed up as Neo would go around touting how deep the film is and that it touches on some really deep issues. Then someone else dressed as Neo would say "Hey dude!It's not that deep it's just based on this book/anime/thought experiment". Then loads of those media university lecturers wrote books on the Matrix and how it marks a turning point in the late 20th century, cyberpunk became the new stupid thing that hip lecturers and literature teachers would teach in a vain attempt to appear with it and with a finger on the pulse. Do you remember all that reader?

Then the Matrix Reloaded came out and pretty much shat on all those people. It was brilliant.

But it's time for Comic book superheroes to back the fuck off. As gamers we are fed up with your lame tie ins and taking up valuable shelf space in't shops. No one likes comic book tie ins or super heroes. Especially not in the UK. Anyway, here's the thing:

1) X-Men
X-Men isn't about prejudice against the gays, jews or other American "minorities". It's about a guy who has a made up-metal skeleton. Claws come out of his knuckles and he cuts shit up. Can you see Magneto on Queer eye for the straight guy? or maybe Gambit in Curb your enthusiasm? The answer is no. X-men is all about silly costumes and funny super powers. Don't read too much into it geeks!

2) Superman
Superman is perhaps the worst superhero ever. He is "Super"man right? SO why doesn't he just fly up into the stratosphere and listen to everyone's conversations. When he hears naughty people doing evil things he should just bust them with his laser eyes. Instead he insists on doing face to face confrontations by which time he gets gatted by Kryptonite or some skirt is in peril and he only has enough time to save her or finish the badguy. What a pussy. If I was in a film from the 90's pretending to be a hip kid I would be wearing my cap backwards and saying "Weak" right now. Oh and American science geeks with a healthy interest in "popular" culture don't write in saying actually the power of his laser eyes/hearing would be weaker if he was in space or whatever. Firstly the dude can fly so explain that prickles. Secondly, I just don't care about you or your opinion so set up a page on Wikipedia if you need to show people how good you are at maths. Oh and it is maths, not math. Same goes with Lego you ignorant fucks.

3) Batman
Is a total fucking jerk. Not only because the Ocean game on the amiga was solid. If batman fell more than 5ft in the game he would die. By die I mean he would just curl up in the foetal position and you'd have to restart. The batmobile levels were Team Rocket Science too. Just ask celebrity gaming Doctor Dr.Wo about it. Unlike X-Men wikipedia is right when it says Batman and Robin are gay. Not gay in the homosexual boring sense, gay in the lates 90's, annoying, rubbish or disheartening way. Don't even mention the Batwing levels on the Amiga......

4) Captain Commando
OK I'll concede on this one. Captain Commando is the fuckingest awesomest Comic book hero. What's that? He isn't a comic book character? Really then why is he a Captain? Plus he is all about Capcom he is Capcom and we love cap... HOLY SHIT LOOK AT THIS SCREENSHOT. I HAVE JUST FILLED THE 8ft BY 6ft ROOM I AM IN WITH SEMEN TO A HEIGHT OF 9 INCHES AND I AM STILL EJACULATING........

Cunzy1 1 Out x


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