That guy's a Maniac...

Play both of these at the same time. It works*. * DOES NOT WORK.

Help Me is an occasional series written about Ashley Graham, daughter to the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. OH SHIT I DUN ACCIDENTAL SEEN HER PANTIES. The internet is retarded. Stay away from it. It is nothing but mind rot and we think it may be spreading.

As you’ll have noticed, TGAM is yet to have brought you a review of Battlefield 3. This is because, unfortunately, we didn't ask EA to give us a copy in advance of release and have never ever made any contact with them so why would they. So instead, below* is a picture of a puppy waering a unicorn. Take that RPS . *Appears above if you are a homs.

I can't express in any phrase more succinct than this that it is my sincerest wish that what "it" may be is not the bodily life fluid of my friend, who wears green and goes on missions armed only with a knife who may or may not be developing a serious steroids problem.

Silent Hill, Devil May Cry, Resident Evil , Beyond Good and Evil, Zone of the Enders, Ico and SoTC and Halo Anniversary. All of these franchises have HD re-releases due out or out already. Although, we're hugely appreciative that older games are kept alive we're fans of being able to play the versions we already own. Important to note that aside from the original Halo it is impossible to play SH, DMC or RE on current generation platforms (okay so if you have an old PS3 or Wii you could still play some of these). But of course, HD re-releases are different from straight up re-releases but I can't shake the feeling that this kind of stuff is happening because the ideas are running out. Is this spate of HD re-releases a confession that this generation really wasn't much cop for innovation besides a graphical enhancement? Team TGAM is probably split on the issue but I'm of the opinion that technology has progressed faster than game designers and developers can keep up

Okay, so I know we've been a bit Pokemon heavy content-wise recently but tough. Deal with it. Today's topic is the Pokemon Global Link . For those of you who aren't Pokemon fans, the latest "proper" DS Pokemon games, Pokemon Black and Pokemon White, allow you to upload a pokemon to the Dream World. Then, via a PC you can go on shallow and limited adventures in the Dream World via the Global Link. The Dream World itself allows you to catch a bunch of Pokemon through playing mini games with them (fun but not very useful if you have a living dex like myself), grow some berries (sort of useful because there's very few other ways to get them in game) and make a bunch of virtual friends by visiting their houses in the Dream World. There are multiple areas of the Dream World to unlock by visiting it over and over again. On top of this there's a whole sims-esque aspect of upgrading your house and buying furniture with berries. Also, via the Global Link you can d

So I finished Resident Evil 4 on the 360. It was again great fun, The only places I really got stuck were the silly slide puzzles, the Graphics are great, and all the gameplay was back there, enjoyable as ever. I played Resident Evil 4 originally on the Gamecube, then again on the PS2 with all the extras, I then tried the PC version, and of course the stupidly easy Wii version. So I have played it a bit too much. The 360 version remains faithful in all ways to the original sight sounds and scares. The only problem was I had done it 'all' before. Unfortunately there is 2 achievements on the 360 version I will not get. And that is playing it through on professional version, because I just cant be bothered, been there done that, and annoyingly, remaining faithful to the original, you have to play through normal difficulty before unlocking the professional difficulty. Secondly, is gaining all the bottlecaps for the shooting gallery, I spent ages on the PS2 version getting

Like listening to music? Stuck for suggestions? HG101 ran a poll and has come up with this massive list . Okay, so 1000 might be too many and yes, the list reads more like a snooty gamer's list of musics from those games that are darlings to the hardcore. Far too much music from games beginning with Chrono . Waaay too much Castlevania , Mega Man, Persona and Final Fantasy. But a valiant effort. I've spent the last few days going through the list and downloading some songs I'd forgotten or never heard of. Recently EDGE's Steven Poole bemoaned the lack of decent video game tracks these days. I don't know if there are less great tracks these days or that gamers of my generation just don't play games as much as we used to so there is less time for these songs to worm their way into our heads. I definitely have a soft spot for mega drive/ SNES era music and part of the reason for enjoying video game music (I almost exclusively listen to VGM or VGM remixes) is

Back once again with the renegade master D4 damage. Power to the people. Omastar is back in the house but it is nearly Autumn and he is still rocking HIS SUMMER WARDROBE. Not cool dude. Yeah, like that ever solved anything Archeops? Jeez.

Pokemon White Pokedex. SEEN 642 OBTAINED 640 Probably won't mean a lot to most people. The translation is, I've spent a shit load of time on this game and I've only got 8 more Pokemon left to get*, five of which have never been made available in Europe. I spent a long time yesterday trying to get two more. Each generation of Pokemon games is normally released in two editions (possibly with a third remake). Red and Blue, Gold and Silver, Ruby and Sapphire, Diamond and Pearl and Black and White. The "genius" move is that some Pokemon are only available on one version and not the other requiring players to trade with each other or failing that buying both copies of the game to ahem, catch 'em all. In the DS iterations of the games, trading has been made much easier with the Global Trade Station. You don't have to physically meet up with another player, you can go online and leave a Pokemon of your choice on the GTS, specify what you want in return and nine ti

No sooner than I throw a wobbly about the underused Nintendo Channel then they go and upload some half decent videos. This week is a video about Mario Kart 7, confirming that Metal Mario and Lakitu will be two new playable characters to the series. Also, unlike most tracks the WuHu Island course won't be a three lap course, instead the race will take place as one long lap across the island. Now, we're all for change but we can't help but be disappointed by the announcement of these two new characters. Firstly, in between Mario, Luigi, Waluigi, Wario, Baby Mario and Baby Luigi, we would have expected a bit more originality in character choice than yet another Mario. Secondly, if the characters from MKWii are returning too Lakitu adds to the already koopalicious choices of koopa trooper, dry bones, Bowser and Dry Bowser. With Mario Kart hopefully boosting sales of the 3DS we were secretely hoping that Nintendo would shake up the series. Perhaps by including characters from

Chuff_72 is an occasional correspondent who has been even more (or is that less) occasional in recent years because, well, here's his story. Chuff_72 used to be a proper gamer. He used to run a clan . He has an impressive collection of games, particularly an amazing collection from the PlayStation era. Then, as happens to us all, life happened. A job, a girlfriend (who does not tolerate gaming on the family TV) and a mortgage meant that game time just disappeared. Gaming was reserved for rare geekends, two filthy days holed up with other men, geeking out on video games, CCG and movies. Then one of the geeks died. And one moved to America. And now we meet maybe three times a year. A sorry existence for Chuff with but a fingernail hold into the world of gaming. Then the Xbox 360 broke. Now his only window into gaming is finding games to play on the iphone on the daily commute. We're informed that mobile games are the future, well here's a perspective from someone who

A great advert.

This is part of an occasional series. Normally we catch up with the Nintendo Channel every fortnight and give the low down on what's happening. In August we got pretty fucked off because the only new content on the channel since August was a weekly downloads trailer that included 1950s Lawnmower Kids as its only download. I wish we were lying. YEAH THANKS BECAUSE I WASN'T SOLD ON THE CONCEPT UNTIL THIS STUPID ANNOYING VIDEO CAME ALONG. EGG ON MY FACE. I TAKE IT BACK. 1950s LAWNMOWER KIDS IS AN UNDER APPRECIATED CLASSIC. I IMAGINE. This months output has us grinding our teeth into dentine dust. It drives us nuts. Nintendo has a channel that sits on every single Wii . That's about 87 million owners right there. Okay so probably not all of them have ever used the channel but the channel has been watched for over one million hours by approximately 500,000 users. This number could be more but that's the minimum amount of players who have allowed their data to be com

Yes they be. SEE OUR PICTURES. See them. That is all we ask. Super Smash Brothers is a game that just keeps giving. We've been hard at work taking snapshots to remake the Bible as a webcomic only using Nintendo characters. Suffice to say it is a lot of work. In the meantime here's a bunch of stuff that may or may not make the final cut. Angel Land or something. Coming soon to a 3DS near you. INSERT CAPTION HERE. She's giving birth to a zero suit Samus. Which makes sense. I wonder how many bells Tom Nook will pay for this? Despite the hundreds of Zero Suit Samus photos on our Wii, we don't play her that much. TELLING. (:( ) HA HA HA JUST LIKE REAL HEDGEHOGS. This is for my illustrated fan fiction set in a Universe where Slippy isn't a massive prick. It's just like the film I imagine because it has never been released in Europe. IN OTHER GAMING NEWS: Nothing. Nothing of note is happening in gaming.

We love shit like this. The "way too much time on their hands" ness of it, the elaborate set up, hundreds of opportunities for cock ups and a seven year wait. THIS is hardcore. And thank god (punctuation aside) someone has the sense to make a video that's understandable.

Wow a proper review. Makes for a change huh? We were huge fans of the first game and although it didn't set the world on fire sales-wise it has a dedicated following. The second game is an improvement on the first in every way. The first game was a very relaxed adventure, leaving the player with relative freedom to explore the fictional region of Manauri, discovering various oceanic animals, photographing them and guiding visitors around the ocean. There was a very loose story driving the game but fittingly, the game was endless. You could (and we did) just keep playing forever with the goal of collecting all the species information and salvaging treasure. Each species has three bits of information, unlocked by finding an animal and then tickling, feeding or drawing for it. However, some of the creatures were a bit too crytpic and very hard to find once let alone three times (our playtime is up to well over 100 hours and there are still four species we've yet to see). Salvagin

The genius of Animal Crossing is that in the early days, you find new furniture, clothes, insects, fish and all the other items at such a rate you quite quickly become adept at organising your inventory and running back and forth to Tom Nook's shop a la Diablo. As time goes on, new items get rarer and rarer. Finding and catching those last elusive fish and insects become all night hunts, camping rivers and beaches to catch that damn tarantula or coelacanth. Weekly shopping trips to Crazy Redd get so disappointing as you look for that last painting or obscure bit of furniture. The good days get rarer. UNTIL TONIGHTS BUMPER HARVEST THAT IS! Perhaps the lucky clover had something to do with it? FINALLY Crazy Redd gave up the Triforce. By comparison, Link's various quests for the Triforce are a cake walk. One of the elusive squid visitors moved to town! I'd begun to believe they didn't exist. Like Animal Crossing's own Nessy or Jesus. We were resigned to the fact that t

Nintendo fans will know that if you buy new Nintendo games you get a little voucher which you can redeem online to earn Nintendo stars. In order to get the stars you have to fill out a quick survey about where you saw the game advertised, where you bought it from, who plays it etc. In return you earn nintendo stars- normally 250 per game and more for a console or handheld. You can then redeem these for exclusive nintendo gifts. Back in the gamecube days these would be pretty sad affairs, ringtones or desktop wallpapers. More recently though there have been some really nifty bits and pieces and seeing as the stars you earn are "free", why not splash out. In the past I've got a stuffed pikmin, a wiiwheel keyring and a metal pokemon DS game case (albeit in Spanish, however, as much as I begrudge it within two weeks of receiving it a bookcase fell on it and the metal case saved my DS games). It had been a while since I'd redeemed any stars and so I browsed through the cat

We've been playing a bit of Pokemon White recently (well, a third of us has at least). It tends to be how we play pokemon games, Weeks of intense activity, followed by months of abstinence. Then we're back in again and in again big. I've still got quite a lot to do, players will know how it is. Pokemon to catch, Ghetsis Goons to find, trainer card stars to acquire. I thought I'd try some online battling. My god. Frustrating. We already complained about the lack of imagination that players have back in April . Well it turns out that since then, the nuances of the meta game, tested through millions of online battles have trimmed down the options for a competitive team to what seems like a handful of team combinations. Not only does this make for very boring games but the easiest counter-strategy is for players to join in with a me-too team. Currently, you can expect to see Hydregion, Amoongus, Reuniclus and Chandelure in 90% of double battle teams. SNOOZE.