Everyone has AIDS

Stupid gamers. Stupid stupid gamers. Nobody cares about anything you think is important so stop wasting the internet filling it up with trite and pseudo-intellectual bullshit like you are debating the future of the human race. Like masturbation, building cathedrals out of matchsticks, and knifing grannies, gaming is a hobby. Some people enjoy it, others don't. the difference being that most other hobbyists don't obsess about it to such a horrifying degree There's a lot of "debate" at the moment around video games here they are all summed up and solved by yours truly hopefully freeing up the internet for some more hand drawn Tifa porn pictures.

Games need stories. By far the most popular whinge by game developers themselves. However, here is the lowdown;No they don't. Game makers want to be wanked off by the film and movie critics and the only way to do that is to make your game arty and cinematic and wanky. A film gets released and there are glamorous award ceremonies and leading men and women gagging on directors and producers cocks to get to feature in the next film. A game gets released and 14000 retards on the internet do a review and boil the whole experience down to a number out of 10. So it's obvious that they want to push the emotional, artistry good stories angle for more cash and blow jobs. But games can't do stories very well and virtually every game released has a story that boils down to "save the world" by killing/collecting everything. Think of some of the greatest stories you know and virtually none of them feature a macho bullshit marine fighting aliens. Games don't do depth or emotion and attempts at morality are laughable. Even the long and varied story in GTAIV is comparable to a poorly written high school creative writing essay. Anyone who claims to have cried over Final Fantasy VII is lying. If they did cry it's only because all the hours put in to levelling up a character were wasted not because, you know, they miss Aeris. Anyone claiming to like Ico or Beyond Good and Evil is just bullshitting to make themselves sound cool because these games are "unknown". So fuck off with this games need stories crap or do something about it.

Hardcore vs. Casual gamers. This issue doesn't actually exist does it? People do what they want, there is no point obsessing over why there are or aren't games for hardcore gamers anymore. People who consider themselves hardcore gamers can be read all over the internet complaining about Nintendo and non games. But then presumably some of the same gamers consistently choose LOZ Ocarina of Time as one of if not the greatest game of all time so make your bloody mind up. Either way, there's no point whinging about it because "casual gamers" have real lives and don't spend hours on internet blogs and forums writing about their "hobby". They just don't care so stop whining it's not ever going to make a difference and there's a bazillion more dollars in casual games than hardcore games so unlucky son, poker and tetris beat Portal and there's nothing you can do about it.

Games need to be mainstream. If, like me, you read the EDGE letter pages every month for a good old chuckle, there are lots of losers waiting and hoping that games will one day become mainstream so that they can confidently say that their hobby is gaming at parties and be welcomed and accepted as a normal human being and not shunned or sniggered at for being a manchild who probably doesn't have insurance or a mortgage. These people are retarded. Firstly, they clearly haven't ever been to a party because people don't stand around talking about their hobbies. It's as if the people who write to EDGE have garnished an idea about what a party might be from watching television or playing the SIMS. This is not how parties work and if you do go to parties and talk about gaming then you have social interaction issues. Secondly, for all intents and purposes, gaming is mainstream unless you miss the 40 foot adverts everywhere, references on TV and in film, televised award shows, multi million pound industry, Radio shows, academic publications, governmental scrutiny, newspaper coverage etc. etc. What isn't mainstream about gaming? The fact that you can't just strike up a conversation with a stranger about Portal? So fucking what? People have different interests to you and whilst you are busting Bioshock they are talking about mortgages, eating dinner, travelling the world and playing squash. They don't endlessly obsess over all of these things so why should you obsess about gaming so much?

Wii vs Xbox vs. Sony. As Yahtzee put it in the Smash Brothers Mailbag the console wars is born from parents only willing to buy their children only one console. They all have their merits, but by and large offer similar experiences. The wii is fun, especially for groups of real people, the PS3 goes well with a giant TV and surround sound system and the 360 is a piece of shit one trick pony for schizophrenic retards who can't focus on one game for more than two weeks. It's quite simple really and if you really cared about the gaming experience/lifestyle/disease you'd have all three. By whinging about it on Youtube and in forums you are openly confessing that you are poor and bitter because you can't play N+/Echochrome/Mario Kart.
Games as Art. This non issue occassionally rears its head from time to time. But look at it this way, pissing on yourself, a video of fruit rotting, thousands of beetles glued to a ceiling, graffiti, paintings of and on tits, cans of food and drawings of boats are all art, so fuck it, games are art too. Case closed good for games.
There we go. All nicely summed up.


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