Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Live Blogging on Location

Hey kids. Why the sexed up new site you might ask? Well we're expecting the droves to flock to TGAM as soon as the press releases go out for TGAM:The Movie. The old black layout was sufficient for our regular customers but now we have to cater for real people.

So, TGAM: The Movie has just begun shooting following generous support from an anonymous big games company which makes fighting games and survival horror games. This renewed support was not at all in response to threats made here about releasing any viruses. No siree.

It's the first day of shooting. This still here is from one of my favourite scenes, Scene 24: Jill Valentine does explosive diarrhea before all the cosplay faeces fetish sexing starts. There's a great joke about "explosive rounds" just after this bit.

Explosive Rounds That is actually Sienna Guillory who played Jill Valentine in the Resident Evil films. She is happy to be reprising her role in a film that actually bears some resemblence to Resident Evil. She is a big fan of the series. I'm just including this link for no reason it has nothing to do with the real identity of the actress above.

Next week we start filming the scene "Leon and Barry share a sexing moment", which I am very excited about.




P.S. Richie made me

Guitar Hero 3: Arrives early!


Dude! Calling all UK-ites:

As you are no doubt aware Guitar Hero 3 has been released in the US and Asia... But because we are classed as part of the EU, We are not getting it for another Month!

Well not exactly!

Check this shit.

Observe: NO REGION PROTECTION

And it has been tried and tested to work on UK PAL 360s!

The only downside is that the shipping upps the RRP (£69.99) by £17. but fuck it, I'm willing to pay £17 to get it a month earlier!

Just another helpful tip from us at That Guys. (And the Giant Enemy Guitar Hero)

You knows we luvs ya!

Richie xxx

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Monday, October 29, 2007

Resident Evil: Wnakery

There comes a time in every blogs life, when all the rantings, drivel, and fantasies actually pay off!

You remember “Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within”, do you remember the feeling you felt when it was first coming out, when you though it was going to be everything “Final Fantasy: Advent Children” was?

Well it’s that time again except it not Squeenix its… CAPCOM, and instead of Final fantasy it’s

RESIDENT FUCKING EVIL

Now I know that Resident evil has not had the best track record at the cinema, with that pissy trilogy, of defiled characters, and tainted plotlines. But this time Sony (You better not pull a PS3 on this one, you fucks) and Capcom are copulating in the hope of conceiving a CG Movie. Of Resident evil proportions

Catch all the news here.



What we want to see in Biohazard: Degeneration or we will actually start to MDK people starting with whoever is the nearest. This is the definitive list any slight variation and it's curtains for everyone.

1) Jill, Chris, Claire, Rebecca, Leon, Barry, Wesker, Enricho, Joseph, Brad, Richard, Edward, Forest, Ken, Will Smith AKA Marvin, Joe Kendo, Kevin, Annette and Billy Birkin, Ada, Carlos, Brian Irons, Ben Bertolucci, Nicholai and the others, Mr X, The Nemesis, the Ashfords, Hunk, Tofu, female zombie, fat zombie, hunters, hunter gammas, lickers, Tyrant, Titan, Neptune, Cerberus, the white zombie from the first Resident Evil all the characters from outbreak including sub characters.

2) The whole film should be Canon and fit perfectly within the storyline of the games even though they conflict themselves. The one exception it that although Sherry Birkin looks exactly how she does in the game, we are told very explicitly from the start of the movie that she has just turned 16.

3) Ideally the film should be a number of days long and cover events from Resident Evil Zero all the way through to the End of Resident Evil 3.

STARS4) There will be Cameos from Dante, Chun Li, Ashley, Frank West, Morrigan, Regina and the alien from Under the Skin

5) About half way through the film there will be a scene where Hunk dances move for move to Rihanna's Umbrella. See here for more.

6) Bewbies, Jill bewbies, Claire bewbies, Ada bewbies, Nemesis bewbies, Dante Bewbies, Annette Bewbies, Alexia Bewbies, Zombie female Bewbies. And a bit of muff wouldnt go astray either. Assuming Capcom want to include the Canon game Resident evil: DS (douche simulator), they can perhaps prove once and for all that Zombie female does have Green and bloody douche Juice.

7) When you have watched the film once, you get to watch it again with alternative outfits.

8) The opening line of the film will be "That guy's a maniac. Why'd he bite me?". The film then flashes back to the beginning.

9) DVD extras will include:

A long overdue heartfelt thanks to TGAM, the blog that has been keeping Capcom's reputation in good stead since Resident Evil 4.

Cell by cell comparisons of Jill Valentine's biff and Sienna Guillory, proving CG to actually be better than RL.

Eliza's Story: how drugs and nymphomania got her cut from Resident evil 2 and replaced with the iconic Claire.

The Biohazard 4D film with 3D goggles.

Audio Commentary from the Nemesis and Marvin Branagh.

Special Audio Commentary from Dante, whilst receiving head from Richie.

10)The mansion should be the mansion from the original Resident Evil. Not the remake because that mansion confuses us and scares us because we are unfamiliar with it.

We're just so darn excited and we can't wait for our ideas to come to fruition. How excited you ask? Well Omastar was perplexed at the involuntery responses we had here at TGAM.


DISCLAIMER: If this turns out to be rumour then we will release the T-Virus without warning. Have your zombie plans ready people.

Women are all the same

They are all sex perverts living in their Dad's basement fawning over lothes and shoes
No matter how far you run or where you run to, they are all obsessed after one thing.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

The Top Ten, Top Tens.

It's too easy right? Deadline looming, traffic dropping, you need to say something, anything. Well that's alright because you are a gamer. Just pull a top ten out of your arse, it's easy to write and provokes a lot of responses. The key to writing a good top ten is to namecheck some really fucking obscure titles and then spaff some big cheesy blockbusting games in there too. The point is, no one will agree perfectly with you and everyone will argue.

What's that? You are writing a top ten now? Well, here's my Top Ten, top ten writing hints.

1) Don't ever mention Zelda or Metroid. In their heart of hearts every gamer knows them to be truly shitty series but about the only thing Nintendo has going for them in terms of real games. Still, just leave them out now. Surely we are all grown up right?

2) When everyone least suspects it pull out a really shitty retro game to fuck off all the youg'ns. If you can't think of a good retro game (because essentially there are no good games pre Quake 2 on the PlayStation) put Tetris in at number 3.

3) Ignore all PC games except the crappy Molyneux games that no one really played or enjoyed anyway. What's that Peter? In your next game you are going to make NPCs behave believably with a morality system and advanced AI? Fuck off you are. 2 seconds into the game I can guarantee I'm going to see an NPC or enemy spaz out or glitch through a wall. Stop lying. No one believes you.

4) Cram in as many "Great but underrated" games as possible. It makes you sound really clever if you mention ICO every 2 sentences and how it was underrated and didn't sell well. It didn't sell very well because it was for big girly gaylords who get emotional and shit over foggy graphics and little boys who sound exactly like the special kid at your school used to sound when he got his head stuck in the railings again.
And remember people when games get over rated the developer ends up cranking out shitty sequels under duress, destroying the "Indie appeal" of the original and they just don't live up to the hype- Katamari stand up twice please.

5) Put at least one of the Final Fantasies, other than VII above VII in the list. FAGSPreferably one of the crappy SNES ones, this really pisses people off. Unless of course it is the top ten of 'worst storylines in a game ever but overrated by a generation of gamers who mistake long, shitty, nonsense storylines for "good" storylines'. Cunts.

6) If you are American, inexplicably put Madden at the top of your list. If you are English do the same with Championship Manager.

7) If you are talking about a game series always include the one before the most recent one released. That way you can't be criticised for selling out and admitting the awful truth that by and large sequels are better than their predecessors. So for example, talk about Timesplitters 2, Final Fantasy X-2, Tony Hawks Whatever-that-one-is-called and Tiger Woods 2007 that way new gamers who just bought the latest version feel a bit cheated and out of the loop.

8) Lightly sprinkle your lists with only-in-Japan releases. No one will know if you are talking out of your arsehole and it makes you sound really impressive. Secretly, we know that 96% of games that don't make it from Japan are either shit or paedo porn. With only two exceptions; the one where you play as a giant woman stomping around a city in lingerie and the one where you have to force yourself onto all the "just turned 16 years old" school girls to solve a murder mystery.

9) Somehow, manage to put Killer7 on your list. Even though it was tragic, boring, kak handed, obscure, dull, shitty, shitty, pointless, foggy, stupid, crappy waste of money, space, countless preview pages and time. Put it in anywhere between 9 and 5 and you'll be reet.

10) Put WoW on the list, unfairly much higher than Everquest even though both are worse than EVE Online which you should never have on your list in the first place. Then put Pokemon two places above that but pretend you've never played it and that it is only in the list because of it's record sales.

And there we go you've got a top ten. Using the same formula you can easily expand the list to a top 100. Now, don't say ol' Cunzy don't give you nothing for free and as per usual get your old lady to call you Cunzy next time she's putting garlic sauce on her kebab, K? x x

Friday, October 26, 2007

Icanhasjillsammich #3

Thanks again to all those Submissions this week, Enjoy:








That: Pinnacle reached: Cheggers accepted by gamers everywhere

W00t, joy of joys!

Today will go down in history as perhaps one of the greatest days in gaming history. We have spent years upon years waiting for this day. From the days of Pong, though the days of 8bit, all the way up to the snazzy HD consoles, its all been leading to this one gem. This one Holy Grail, the ultimate game of all games:



Rest assured we can all die happy now.

P.S. Sarcasm

P.P.S. To all those concerned, please stop this… not only are you encouraging Mr Chegwin, but you are giving birth to more gaming filth into the world, and its not like you have an excuse, like it was an accident. The Game was pre-meditated, you have given birth to a fully-fledged downs syndrome game with congenital abnormalities. This should have been aborted from Day 1. Are you proud of yourselves? Sickos.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Postcards from the multiverses #2

Yes number 2! That's right kids. Another feature right here on your monitor. You can thank us later.

Anyway 'TFU' a so called Clan on Halo sent us these images. We don't get sent much these days so it's going up.

Chuff_72 sent us this. Nice Jump.
Hiiiiiiiya
This is TFU Mr Cyclopse [sic.]. ummm jumping
Hiyup
Yes, more jumping. It's all a bit Quake mid-90s if you ask us
WhoopThanks guys. Miss you too x x

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Hellgate: London Beta: The Review


Yeah. So, we at Thatguys were given a Hellgate: London beta key… and after a while of downloading, installing and playing. We have come to the conclusion that it is a solid 6/10. The game does well at integrating MMO and FPS, it removes that turn-based feeling you get with most MMOs. It is more action based and I already got the feeling that boss encounters will allow Leet FPS players to really shine. However I lost ALL faith at the character creation screen. I was not sure what to expect from HG:L but, from the creators of Diablo, I will be honest I expected more than a pretty “cyberpunk” game. Yes that’s right cyberpunk, I hate the word almost as much as I hate the “movement”, couple with that with the hairstyle choices… Ugh… there was an option for some blatantly emo haircuts.

The emo swish was actually reversible, I dunno if that actually makes a difference in the emo world, Is it like a message to other emos?

Left eye covered – Suicidal.
Right eye covered – Attention seeking.

What a depressing prospect for the future, the apocalypse I can handle, Hell on earth I can handle, but the world being populated with emo cyberpunks…

Anyways as such I don’t think I can relate with characters, I much more on the side of the Zombies. Ha! They should do that, Like WoW has Horde and Allies, HG:L could have Zombies and Emos.

So to conclude HG:L not as good as it should be.

6/10.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Street Fighter The Later Years

Often at That Guy's A Maniac we forget Capcom did other series of games. Ones without zombies or with the pretty boy with the white hair. Yes that's right, Street Fighter. Anyway, some geniuses over at college humour put together this excellent series which, impressively boasts better dialogue, funnier in-jokes for the fans and greater production values than most video game related films. We found it via the omnireporting Kotaku machine. Here's the trailer on YouTube but you should watch the rest here. Or else.

That Guy's a Maniac: October '07

This Months maniac is nothing other than a girl… as if it wasn’t crazy enough that girls actually play video games... But check this shit:


Observe how she is holding the Joypad, upside down?!? And… get this… she was playing well. I’m sure we have all at some point tried to mess around with how we hold the joypad. For instance, thinking if we have two fingers pressing the Triangle, Square, circle and Ecks button, rather than one thumb, we might be able to perform better. But no matter what, our fingers will reset to the default position where the index finger hovers over R1, the middle finger hovers over R2 and the thumb sits over the right analogue stick. When/If I die I know for a fact my hands will automatically assume the PS2 position, if its an open casket, people will be able to slot a joypad in perfectly, I invite you all to attend and try it out.

Laters,

Richie-O

Monday, October 22, 2007

All the cool kids are doing it......#2

Do you remember the post called All the cool kids are doing it.....? I don't. Anyway this is the second post with this title which, makes it another feature I guess. We have lots of features here at TGAM. It's why we are the second greatest videogame blog of all time scientifically proved don't cha know.

Anyway lots of the third rate games magazines (Official Nintendo Magazine, Official Playstation magazine etc.) have been including these little crazy look-alike features which they use to fill up column inches because they can't write enough good copy. So there will be a picture of some guy from Eastenders next to a photo of some guy from a game and they will label them with the names the wrong way round. HA hahahahahaha. Everyone laughs. Except! SPONTANEOUS PUBLIC SERVICE MESSAGE When people read games magazines they don't want to be reminded of the real world and their real life. There should be nothing but games from cover to cover. Adverts for other games, reviews of games, news about games and interviews with games people. Nothing else. As soon as you mention characters from TV, or worse, sport, or show an advert for aftershave or clothes people get depressed and think "I shouldn't be reading a games magazine. I'm not a child. I should do some real life things like the people off of telly or in't perfume ads". Even though their real life responsibilities get as exciting as do the laundry or taking the labels off of cans for the recycling, or go online and pay the council tax etc. It makes them put down the mag and depresses them. So keep it out of the games mags. Okay?

Anyway, here's TGAM lookalike. It's funny no?

Ah ah ahahahahahahaah Can you see the difference? I'll give you a clue, one is a really shitty Pokemon. Bug and flying pish. Go away.

SighIn a similar but unrelated note doing this post reminded me of Jersey Devil. I miss you Jersey Devil. You never really had a chance to shine, you didn't stand out in the glut of other crappy platformers and now you are gone for good. :(

Friday, October 19, 2007

Icanhasjillsammich continues

Hey all!

I must say I'm flabbergasted as to the response "Icanhasjillsammich" thanks to everyone who has submitted artwork. Please keep them coming!

Here is a selection of some that we have recieved:








Noogins...

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Two down....

The first exercise on this game is STOP WANKING for a bit. The second exercise is put on your glasses. Hell my sight has improved extensibly already! Yes!! In Nintendo's bid to turn gaming into non gaming we now have Brain Training and Sight Training which means that we are two more installments closer to penis training and the one I'm looking forward to most, pelvic floor training. Touch generations indeed. Nothing worse than a flappy chappy or a slack front crack. No sir.

Omastar Comics #11

Read all about it. In this week's comic Omastar is at the time of life where it is pertinent to worry about how one will be remembered. That's the kind of thing you get to dwell on when you've been fired for the production of lacklustre fanservice goods.

HINT:It isn't for avidly looking after the Omastar page on Bulbapedia In other gaming news:

No news. Which, is supposedly good news?

please don't ruin it, please don't ruin it, please don't ruin it, please don't ruin it, please don't ruin it, please don't ruin it, please don't ruin it, please don't ruin it,

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Stupid Fucking Employers

Cunts
Well it is a sad day indeed. I have recently learned that SFC (Stupid Fucking Customers) is dead, gone, deceased.

In all seriousness it looks like the SFC guys were busted [via truth of the peasant], a blogger's worst nightmare. However, it just goes to show the short sightedness of the slave driving employers we've all had.

They could've seen it for the tongue in cheek reflections of the dull dreary and endless jobs that we've all had and given the guys the go ahead to mention the name of the store as a kind of underground marketing exercise. But no, they decided that someone who had worked there for five years, pulling all kinds of overtime and extra shifts was worth firing because of a blog they had that gets people who work in the games industry chuckling. Seriously, did anyone not go to the store because they read SFC? I think if everyone knew where the store was we all go there to buy games and have our fingers crossed that we would be worthy in the eyes of Mario Mark and Phorenzik. Maybe we would have met sandals man? Who knows?

What a brilliant decision. Perhaps they'll employ some gangsta talking nobhead who can't string two words together in the future?

It is a sad day indeed but the show must go on. And if it's any consolation TGAM is happy to host any of the ranting and raving and humour from Phorenzik or MarioMark. It's not much but it is all we can offer :(

Day note: FINE! I'll do everything my fucking self then!

To:1 1
From: "Type-0"

Wow! This new set up is very interesting Cunzy1 1. Your day note was quite boring you should really make an effort to learn japanese or some shit. I'm not doing the Wii jokes again!

Anyway, here at TGAM Towers everything is great. We still have the same asinine commentors and a whole bunch of posts from the puerile to the interesting.

What you missed (because it is possible to miss stuff that is posted on a website if you can't detract your eyes from the puke inducing colour scheme):

Bewbs
Bewbs
Bewbs
Oh hawt bewbs
Bewbs
Lol Bewbs and Biff

Monday, October 15, 2007

Night note

Dear Type-O

This is all part of our new setup. It's a great new innovative feature where we as "editors" write each other boring updates about real life and shit. I'll do the night notes and you can do the day notes. My updates will be about my mail order wife and my kid and how "crazy" where I live is despite the fact I've made little effort to integrate myself into society here. Your updates should be about trying to make what I said interesting so then I can boring it up again tomorrow night.

So, just a reminder. Do an update here. Something funny. Maybe something about the new nintendo console being named after piss. Also, we should change our logos and site to puke inducing colours. What do you think?

Catch you later

1 1

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Nintendo are lieheads.

nice PHOTOSHOPMore Nintendo lies this month with this post over at the "Official" Smash Brothers Dojo. This site is so fake they can't even get the name of the game right. The real name is Super Smash Brothers Brawl. Anyway we brought you the scoop on the real SSBB characters and stages two months ago (check it fool).

But! Whoever is behind the farcical Dojo site is fucking cruel. It's OK to goad the Fire Emblem geeks but picking on Sega fans is a crime against humanity. Don't build their hopes up. I can here the frantic bashing of keyboards already as they plan their Sonic Faninima's shot with SSBB to add to the steaming pile of Sonic Machinima that already exists.

Be advised Dojo webmaster, I'm emailing Google to get you taken off the listings. You've taken this joke too far now.

Whilst we are on the subject of shitty fan made crap, this following public notice is brought to you courtesy of our latest "if you can't beat em join em" tiresome parody of an already tired meme:

LOL Get it done AMV freak monkeys.

N.B Casual readers may have noticed the use of many 'hyperlinks' in this post. More than you are probably willing to click. However, our hyperlinks are sponsored by Children in Need. Everytime you click one of our links another Z-list celebrity will sign up for the hideous hammy shit that is the awful Children in Need event. Please click gratuitously and perhaps we can inspire at least some of the middle class to commit suicide when it is screened.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Happy Birthday Type-O

Yes Richie, or Type-O, as he is now known is enjoying his birthday so we gave him the day off work. This was not in some kind of sickening act of kindness but a lead in into our newest competition.: What did Richie do on his birthday?
Here are suggestions but only the secret webcam knows. And me, I know.

1) Wanking, just wanking- 17 votes
2) Playing Guitar Hero and Wanking- 5 votes
3) Smoking and Wanking- 2 votes
4) Watching anime and smoking- 14 votes
5) Watching anime and wanking - 204 votes
6) Playing GTA San Andreas and taking photos of dead prostitutes' splayed legs interspersed with wanking- 1 vote
7) Playing WoW- 4 votes
8) Playing WoW and wanking- 145 votes
9) Wanking and Crying- 3 votes
10) Wanking over this- 1 vote
11) Making "The Real Umbrella" but getting as far as wanking- 26 votes
12) Wanking over pictures of himself wanking- 0 votes
13) Watching anime and switching between smoking and wanking- 4356 votes
14) Going to the pub and wanking in the ladies toilet- 6 votes
15) Not wanking but wanting to. Badly. - 467 votes

So Happy Birthday Richie/Type O and we all wish we could be with you to celebrate although you gotta be careful because if you get any on the seat then you'll be an unwitting Dad again.....

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Icanhasjillsammich

In response to icanhascheezburger thatguys is starting icanhasjillsammich... Find your favorite Resident evil Pictures, upload them to the icanhascheezburger factory add captions then email them to us:

icanhasjillsammich@thatguys.co.uk

Enjoy...







Monday, October 08, 2007

Omastar Comics #10

It's the long awaited return of Omastar Comics. In this week's edition, Omastar tries to make us feel better for this.

OMA!
Yeah. Thanks but no thanks Omastar. You are fired. Get out and leave all those PPUps I've seen you taking from the stationery cupboard.

I'm not being racist or anything but fucking water types.....

*Sigh*

The internets! You dissapoint me. Following our request here I was expecting a torrent of videos this morning. But alas:

I DON'T SEE IT THERE DO YOU?

Waste of timeI had high hopes for the GMV/AMV (Game Music Video/Anime Music Video) Community. I was thinking that you all made derivative Naruto videos with a Linkin Park/Evanesence soundtrack only because no one was making good suggestions for you to use some creativity. This is your chance! A video of this design would bring you your internet five minutes (people online have a shorter attention span) of fame. You might have even got a five star video as rated by real people, not the fellow animu weabos from the forums. You might have made the front page of Kotaku. Do you want to be remixing your shitty video for the rest of your life in the name of fan service? We threw you a bone and this is how you repay us? Well, AMV community, we'll see to it that none of you work on the internet again. Fuckers.

You've got one week before we target AMV sites for blog wars. But be advised we have never lost!

Friday, October 05, 2007

Help Wanted

Shark. Oh and on that note can everyone stop using the phrase jump the shark? It's tenuous and tedious and no one thinks you are cleverWe have a mission for someone who has more willpower than us, access to technology and a second life account.
Could you please make a music video of Hunk from Resident Evil 2 (-onwards) dancing step for step like Rihanna in her video for Umbrella. It should be called "The real Umbrella"

Be sure to focus a lot on the Umbrella logo on his back okay?
You can stand under my Umbrella eh eh eh
What do you get out of it? Well we have to insist that the credits are at the end but you can go on about all the losers on your AMV forums and how they helped you so much. Hell, you could even use 'lulz' and we might not kick you so swiftly in the chads. Also, if it's any good we'll announce as the game video of the year and that's an accolade you want from the World's Second Greatest Video Game blog of all time.

Oh, also at the point with all the men writhing on the floor could you please do that bit with Tofu, also from Resident Evil 2. Thx