That guy's a Maniac...

Every now and then a game comes along that does away with pretense of lies about AI. Velociraptor Safari is such a game. If only there was an emoticon to depict a room filling up with ejaculate produced through excitement related to videogames with dinosaurs in it.

Undertow as an apology… I don't accept it for 2 reasons: First up… I was not EVER inspired by a fucking side scrolling shoot-em-up with memaids. Secondly… What is the deal with the reviews it's getting? It seems all the Internet based games journalism has rated it the upper percentiles, yet the non-www media rates it as pish. The user ratings are quite mixed too ranging form piss-poor to Awesome. Of course I should download it and review it myself properly. But fuck that, it have plenty of games for my 360 that I ACTUALLY want, rather than freebie pish. I was one of the unfortunates who actually lost their gamer Tag in the ether as I "recovered" it a mates house, and since I couldn't recover it over the whole of Xmas I couldn't play my Xbox for the whole of Xmas. Undertow is a poor, poor apology. Just a quick FYI to Micro$oft: When Blizzard fuck up, they give WoWers free days on their accounts, I would have been much happier with that since, in t

Ok. Enough now. This is a public notice to all game developers currently in the "hype" stage of development. Please stop dropping the "We've got some great AI" bomb during interviews UNLESS . You do have some great AI. FPS are by far the biggest culprits of just throwing that line in there after they've talked about the graphics and the story. A recent playthrough of the Turok demo shows that those cheeky guys at Propaganda games are living up to their name. Check this whole article about it over at IGN. Fair dos you might thinking. Now, this would all be believable if after about two minutes of play you couldn't sense that all of that talk about AI was absolute bullshit. Chuff_72, the man allegedly made of pure candles, waxes lyrical: "WHY can't people who make these things try something a bit different, like, the raptors that attack you, they look cool and move nicely, and look dangerous, but behave like any normal retarded FPS e

I know that they all probably assume they have better, much more important, urgent, timely, things to campaign on, but I sure would like to get their individual takes on the new video game that one company is marketing to fifteen year old boys. It's called "Tetris" and it allows its players - universally male no doubt - to engage in the most realistic sex acts ever conceived. One can custom design the blocks into the images they wish to "engage" and then watch in crystal clear, LCD, 54 inch screen, HD clarity as the video game "blocks" hump in every form, format, multiple, gender-oriented possibility they can think of. Short ones in big holes, long ones in short holes, some blocks can fit into more than one hole at a time. The objections to such filth should be simple to understand. Starting with the disgusting idea that one can "create" their own versions of what blocks look like, removing warts, moles, and bald spots while enhancing -

We are proud and sad to bring you this exclusive. Apple and Nintendo are merging! Shock I hear you say. There's more though. They've been working on a console already. It's called the iii. Our woman on the inside say that the iii will merge the best bits of Nintendo and Apple. Great. Here's some of the features for the iii. You can never turn the machine off. No games that aren't already out on the GameBoy. Exclusive launches that require bloggers and nerds to queue up overnight. You'll be able to go online but not really do anything. The console will be taken off the shelves in a year. Japan will get 15,0000 games The US will get 20 Europe might get five. Third party developers will not be asked to make games for the machine. Everyone will think you are a tosser for having one. And a child. The iii will have a massive 1,000,000 features but you'll probably only use the alarm, time and call functions. For the first time Wiimotes will be

Nothing happening in games for the whole of January I'm afraid. Today's post is for those time travelling from 1996* IT'S FUNNY AND TOPICAL NO? *Why have you travelled 12 years into the future to "surf the net"? Do you still use "surf the net" as a phrase? Oh well, since you made the effort, put money on Princess Diana dying in France. It'll pay off.

Basically, weirdo reader going through the archive this is a list of all the games I have ever played. So now fellow gamer, you can judge me by the glaring omissions. Listed in alphabetical order for your viewing pleasure. Amiga games. The Simpsons: Bart vs. the space mutants, Batman, Beneath a Steel Sky, Bubble Dizzy, Cannon Fodder, Chase H.Q., Chuck Rock, Clwon o mania, Daylight Robbery, Days of Thunder, Desert Strike, Dizzy Panic!, Double Dragon II: The revenge, F/A-18 Interceptor, Fantasy World Dizzy, Forgotten Worlds, Golden Axe, Heroquest, Hybris, International Karate Plus, James Pond, james Pond 3, Kick off, Kick off 2, Kid gloves, LED storm, Lemmings, Marble Madness, Mega Lo Mania, New Zealand Story, Nightbreed:Action Game, Nitro Boost, North and South, Pac-Mania, Pinball Dreams, Pipemania, Postman Pat, Premier Manager, Prince of Persia, Puffy's Saga, Rainbow islands, Road Rash, Robocop 3, Rodland, SAS Combat simulator, Scorched tanks, Sensible Soccer, Sensible Train Spotti

Yes. HUGE SUCCESS. See we are cool and down wit' the kids. Anyway, the subject of todays' post concerns some much needed, early spring cleaning. Looking at the internet, it seems that gamers and their tedious memes are everywhere, but as gamers we need unanimously agree that there are some things we should stop talking about. Seriously, get over it. Move on. All the time, waffling on about the same things over and over again. Filling up Fora, Blogs, Comments and Youtube with inane points and counterpoints which have been made before in a much better way. In the end, no one cares. All vidjo games and vidjo gamers could dissappear tommorrow and the rest of the world would carry on as normal, perhaps even function a bit better. So, here's a list of stuff that I propose we eject from the gaming community's vocabulary so that we don't waste what precious little time we have talking about imaginary playworlds: 1) All games before August 1995. None of them were any goo

Right no doubt you have already heard but Soul Calibur Has both Darth Vader AND Yoda in it: Brilliant, inspired, inclusions to the game. But not content with this Thatguys would like to prepare a list of Smash-bros-esque characters w want in the next Soul Calibur. 1. Zoro From One piece, you just have to love this guys unique design, as he holds 3 swords. Soul Calibur has touched on pretty much every design of weapon out there, even creating a deadly Hula-hoop. The 3-sword design would be an interesting addition. 2. Final Fantasy Heroes You know I’m only gonna touch on this briefly, everyone wants fucking Cloud and Sephiroth in there. But fuck it, my vote goes fro Squall/Leon from FF8, and the again interesting weapon, The Gunblade. (yeah I know Cervantes has a Gun in his sword too, not the same AND you know it) 3. Master Chief/Arbiter Get them both in there with the Energy sword and/or the Gravity hammer!!! 4. Link/Spawn/Heihatchi The guys from the Gamecube/

I dunno how may times I have mentioned this before... but, for those of you don't know, Rez on the PS2 came with a USB vibrating attachment. It was designed to "enhance" the gameplay of Rez, and not originally in a sexual way, apparently it was designed to create a synaesthesic experience... so that you could feel the music in your elbow or something. Well anyway, with The new HD Rez game coming out on the 360 The question on everyone's lips is whether they can get-off in HD? Well... the answer is yes... Up to 3 joy pads can be used as Trance vibrators! This can mean only one thing! Bluetooth vibrators, are round the corner! Special Hugs, Richie XXX

No Christmas way back then. Still doesn't stop Omastar anachronistically looking forward to it? Does it? Whatever, Omastar. You'd be bored after like two years of it. In other news: Halo 4 storyline leaked by Bungie! Here it is especially for you, That Guy's Reader: "There's a man in the green suit. He a shooty man. Hes killin all the bad ones till the end when the shooty man maybe dead. He not dead. He just go away until Halo 5". EPIC stuff I think you'll agree. Also, rumours that the Rockband drum set has traces of arsenic in it are abound. Be very careful the next time you play Rockband because you'll look like a fucking tit in front of all your friends. Oh and also the poison too. "Rape me" by Nirvana confirmed for Singstar in April this year. Too late for the office parties but an essential addition to the DLC that ought to keep Singstar afloat for a while longer.

Yes! TGAM bringing you the same joke over and over again. See you same time next year?

It's Tanks! from Wii play. It's the greatest game of all time. The best multiplayer experience since the original Half Life. It has everything. Tanks, trumpet noises, wood, wouldn't, mines etc. Just play it with a friend and you'll be playing for the rest of your life, endorphins dripping from every orifice. It's the game WoW should have been, it's what all the Zelda games have been aspiring to. It's the darkest survival horror game since the Net Yaroze classic Haunted Maze. It's faster than Wipeout, longer than all the Final Fantasy games put together. It's more tactical than Advance wars and Kurushi put together. It's more addictive than the PlayStation version of Hidden and Dangerous. It's more stealthy than the-as-yet-unreleased Metal Gear Solid: Ultimate sneaky sneaky time. 10/10, five stars, five thumbs up, TGAM official gold seal of approval. Maximum out of any positive rating system ever . We're serious about this kids. Deadly

Right well its 2008, we have yet another year of gaming ahead of us and, despite the cliché, we are going to do a what-are-you-looking-forward-to-in-2008 post. 1. Devil May Cry. Plain and simple, we have been dying to see Dante back in action for ages, this time he’s all next-gen too. The game also apparently won “trailer of the year 2007” from gametrailers.com. Now in some weird happenstance TGAM are actually going to dispute this. As much as we lurve DMC we found the trailer had used the age old trick of using FMV rather than gameplay. There are a couple of snippets of gameplay (10 seconds), but most of us don’t care about monocle’d villains or how much more emo Nero is going to get. Most of us wanted to see the actually gameplay footage, I demand to see a 3 hit sword combo, with the last hit launching the enemy into the air, and then Dante shooting, holding the afore mentioned bad guy in the air. Though! Spanky new teleportation moves, some weird machine that appears as if from no

TGAM, Once again breaking the mold of videogame blogging. That's right. This year we decided to have an awards system for video games. You know, like the ones for books and films. We're sure this idea is likely to take off in a big way. Remember reader, you saw it here first. So, without further ado here are the awards: The 2007 TGAM award for Best Touching 1. Juiced 2: Hot Import Nights 2. Touch Master. 3. Balls of Fury. 4. Cookie and Cream Winner: Resident Evil: Deadly Silence There wasn't much choice this year. To be honest the above DS games were chosen for their titles and the hilarious link with the word "touching". But this year we're going to give Resident Evil DS the reward retrospectively for the bits where you get to touch up Jill Valentine and she covers herself and gets a bit offended. Once again Capcom shows they know their audience and Jill is all the more titilating because she doesn't just stand there and take it (cough, Leon, cough, cough

With Christmas imminent I've got to do the work of everyone else who has "gone home" to hang out with their "friends and family". As such I'll be too busy to do many updates. So this may be the last one of 2007 from me. Don't hold me to it though. Watch this. There's Christmas trees and shit in it at the end if you need a link between what we write and what we put up for you to wtch/download/listento/wank over.

See that blog title? That's what you can expect from TGAM: cliched post titles. That and tits . Anyway, today I am proud to bring you an interview with someone who properly works in the Games Industry, unlike us scrotes who sit on the periphery. Below is an interview with a lady who has had years of experience in games testing and went on to set up her own games testing company, which, is widely regarded as one of the best QA Testing companies around and doesn't let schlep pass through the door and out the other side unlike other companies. She has chosen the synonym Jill Valentine for this interview which, sure is nice for us because it's like Jill was actually here. C11: Hello, Jill, welcome to TGAM. JV: Hello. I'd like to say it's nice to be here but.... C11: Isn't games testing just an opportunity to get paid for playing games? JV: Yes and no. Do you remember some of the ridiculous time limit challenges in the original Goldeneye that you had to complete to u

Woah, now there is a lot of female attention happening in the games industry at the moment. Like we need more… Seriously I think girls have got their quota in the games industry and are recognised enough nowadays. Girls have: 1. Personalised Systems, such as the Pink DS and a variety of Pink Peripherals. 2. A selection of shite games, Pony Friends, Barbie shopping, Cooking Mama etc… 3. Zelda?!? Apparently??!?! The Phantom hourglass is advertised as one of the DS’s “Games for Girls”, when the fuck did that happen? Why does the fairer sex get this franchise? 4. The DS in general, all titles for it seem to cater for girls in some way. 5. The Rezibator. Guys are not allowed attachments to games to get them going (apart from the guitar in guitar hero). 6. An unfair advantage in MMOs, due to all the guys being desperate. 1. [General] [Legolaas] ZOMG!!!!11 Nerf Girls they are IMBA 7. An inbuilt ability to multi-task. 8. The “years of persecution” card which they never play,

You may have gathered but we here are gay for Capcom. One of the many facets of that relationship is that they love to have crossover cameos that make girls like us gush like that lift from the Shining, except with green and bloody douche juice. Here's a selection that we could rip from the internet. Here is the excellent Frank West, in his pants, in the mediocre Lost Planet. This image is from gay gamer. Perhaps they have dreams about Frank West too? This is Dino Crisis character Regina in Resident Evil 3! IT'S NOT REALLY IT'S JUST JILL DRESSED UP AS REGINA. It's an important distinction to make because you may be surprised if the cuffs don't match the collar in your dreams. Here is Megaman. IN DEAD RISING. We are sad when we think about Megaman and sadder when Capcom do things like this. Of all the good franchises to include as a cameo you choose the worst one. 4/10 It's the Nemesis in Under the Skin!Under the skin was average at best with the