Gamer Laureate

Some things aren't good enough for that other site we occassionally write for. And then sometimes we forget we've some stuff that doesn't get published and then it becomes out of date and then we post it here. Here is one such fine post.

You may all be delighted to have heard of the recent appointment of Carol Ann Duffy as the first female, first Scot and first openly bisexual person to become the poet laureate of the United States of the Kingdom of the UK. Congrats to Carol. Good job. But what does a poet laureate actually do you may ask? Aside from being a staple answer to a pub quiz question (and with three firsts Carol Ann Duffy will be the answer to trivial pursuit questions for many many years to come) a poet laureate composes poetry for state events as well as being a spokesperson for poetry. To disseminate its worth and to kindle the eternal flame of poetry at all costs. After all, there are few forms of media that will help you to get laid, 'I directed a film for you' just doesn't sound right.

It was upon reading about the new poet laureate here that I had a revelation. We need a gamer laureate. By need, I mean need as much if not more than we need a poet laureate. And by a gamer laureate I mean me.

It would be great. You get paid to disseminate the wonders of gaming to the nation, the state and the queen. And don't we need it? As gamer laureate here is my manifesto/action list:

1) A public campaign to raise awareness of bad games that should not be bought in any event, even if they are part of a bundle or £20 cheaper than a decent game.

2) I would make it part of my job to publicly challenge celebrities, politicians and international dignitaries at various video games. Would you trust the prime minister better if he was good at Mario Kart? I know I would. Fuck the elitist background, experience and acumen, if the man knew his way around Cheep Cheep Beach he'd do significantly better by me and undoubtedly better in the opinion polls. Similarly, global conflicts might be resolved by a best of 3 game of Dash to Destruction than through a bloody waste of life expensive and unpopular war.

3) I'd be an advocate for the gaming nation and work with other gamer laureates around the world to unite our underground nation. It always surprises me that gamers haven't formed their own nation yet. There's enough of us. Shit. Even if all the Wow players got together that is a respectable mass of people. We could control the world.

4) Work to preserve the gaming heritage. Every year, games slip away into the ether as discs, hardware and code is lost and damaged. As gamer laureate I'd create a national museum of video games. It would be at the V&A because the nation doesn't really need a national museum of clothing, cutlery and crockery. It would be great and at least people might be interested whilst they are museuming in London. It would be a great place to celebrate the achievements of British coders and gamers who, frankly have added more to individuals lives and wider contemporary culture than wanker millionaire artists.

5) Set up a charity national hints and tips phone line. Anyone who has ever seen a google analytic report for a gaming site will know that so many of our fellow gamers don't know how to use google or that gamefaqs even exists. I'd help to set up and run the helpline for gamers in need of that extra bit of advice. Helping gamers all over the nation to complete their games. The helpline would also be available to support victims of griefing, blue shelling, spawn camping and ganking. A demographic currently ignored by government.

6) I'd act as personal gamer to the Queen. If she every wanted to co-op Half Life or play a bit of deathmatch on CoD and Harry and Wills weren't around, I'd be her player 2 (or 3, not 4 though).

7) I'd work with national media to make sure they get their shit straight. No more errors or mistakes when blaming secondary school shootings on games and no more lies in the token 'games' sections in the newspapers and magazines.

8) I'd work hard to make gaming more socially acceptable than wine connoisseurs, bird watchers, foodies and people who play polo. Of course, we are more socially acceptable than these elitist snobbish hobbyists and activities but gaming has had a bad rep for such a long time it barely hovers above fiddie kiddling in the national lists. Support me to put gaming in it's rightful place, above people who waste wine for a hobby.

9) I would be available to play games with people at state events. After all they have to put up with poetry so a spot of minesweeper, micro maniacs or uno wouldn't be out of place. Would it?

10) Hand out the excellence in gaming awards every year. The awards are for those British people who have struggled against the odds to set new high scores, to top international leaderboards or for particularly impressive speed runs. Awards for notable gaming journalism, literature, machinima, fan fiction or audio remixes would also be awarded.

So that's it so far. It's a lot I know but it needs doing. Drop any suggestions in the comments and I'll send it to King Tony Blair to see what he thinks of the whole idea. I promise not to forget about the little people when I get there. x x x


  1. Haha, you joke, but that's not a bad idea, would be great to have a spokesperson for gaming - an appointed person to give out decent soundbytes on the news and informed opinions to balance the hysterical nonsense on the news!

    I'd vote for you if such a thing were possible ;)

  2. rob_is_gay12:06

    Great idea, it might even be plausable!
    I would expect the laureate to post clips of them doing impressive feets within computer games, a parallel to the poet laureate reading their crappy poems on Radio 4.


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