It's been a couple of weeks since we tuned into the Nintendo Channel to see what's up on ninty's very own TV channel. That's deliberate because the channel has a relatively low turn over and the videos seem to be programmed by a mental who doesn't really understand how marketing works. So we've matchsticked our eyes open long enough to suffer through the latest crop of hit-and-miss offering. What's new?
- There's a couple of Resident Evil Revelations videos up. They are as dull as the previous ones sadly whilst at the same time giving us the feeling like we've played the game already.
- More nonsense Mario Kart "Player challenge" vids. Yet another 'series' on the channel that just baffles. Initially these videos introduced challenges in a range of games and we're all for lengthening the long tail of interest on titles older than two weeks. Now, however, they're just Mario Kart 7 time trial videos. If you really are desperate to compete against these anonymous videos with no clear target or way to submit your best time there's videos up for Melody Motorway and DK Pass.
- Nintendo TV News, Official Nintendo Magazine's contribution to the channel, keeps up the expected levels of script-writing that even five year olds find commiserable. Episode 2 contains plenty of annoying adjectives, pathetic puns and cuntish alliteration. Particularly nonsensical is that episode 2 hypes up RE:Revelations on the channel, odd given that Revelations is a 15 rated game and nobody with any sense over the age of nine will watch this stuff. Also impressive is that the magazine manges to translate its inoffensive and unspectacular style to the little screen. I don't imagine anyone finds these episodes cool. In fact we're probably the only ones who watch these vids.
- The Last Story gets some love. If you know us like the mountain knows the winter snows then it really fucks us off that many people refer to the Wii as a 'legacy platform' even with strong and interesting titles like The Last Story coming out. There's something like 70 million Wiis sitting under people's televisions and yet the platform is being written off in the name of 'progress' when games like The Last Story and Xenoblade Chronicles are putting most HD titles to shame. Anyway, there are two Last Story trailers and an interview with Hironobu Sakaguchi up on the channel so if you are at all interested they are worth a watch (both of the trailers are available online anyway). Be warned though, the interview, as all interviews with Japanese game developers are, is really boring. We can't make our mind up on whether we hate boring Japanese developer interviews or lying bastard western developer interviews more.
- LoZ: Snooze McSnooze has another trailer. This one is "The Epic" trailer. Looks like a bunch of elves and fairies dicking about in the clouds to us but WHAT DO WE KNOW?
- There's a bizarre Tekken 3D Prime Edition video up. Titled, Ono-San Vs. Harada-San it isn't your normal trailer. It shows Capcom's Yoshinori Ono facing off against someone from Namco? Nice to see a game video do something different but we feel sorry for Namco having to rely on Capcom to get people interested in their silly little game. In fact, even Capcom feel ashamed flashing up the disclaimer "This product is no way affiliated with Capcom or its subsidiaries". Capcom are probably trying to convince people that Tekken isn't a poor man's fighting series in preparation for Street Fighter X Tekken. Slightly cheeky on this channel given that it hasn't been announced for a Nintendo system (yet?).
- There's two WEEKLY DOWNLOADS TRAILERS. These are our favourite videos on the channel. Wario Land is out for the DS VC, GO Series: Undead Storm for DSi Ware anyone? And SHIT THE BED Successfully Learning Mathematics Year 4 is out! No wonder the PS Vita isn't exactly flying off the shelves. Although saying that we are secretly curious about Newton vs the Horde on Wiiware. Not so much about Box Pusher on DSi Ware which looks as interesting as it sounds.
- There's two proper Tekken 3D videos one for the game and one for the film. The game still looks as shit as ever with those crappy little orange explosions barely masking the poor collision detection. They're even bundling it with a 3D Tekken film to make up for it. The only way we'd ever be tempted to watch it if was Monty Oum had anything to do with it.....
- We totally missed out on Valentines shenanigans this year. We've got a list as long as some hair straighteners of various Valentines related stuff in games. But we were so overwhelmed by the platitudinous posts from all those other video game bloggers that we ended up drinking bleach until we couldn't see anymore. It turns out bleach doesn't really effect your eyesight before it causes massive internal trauma so we spent VDay getting a stomach pump and an enema. Anyway, there's a cute little Nintendo Letterbox video about writing Valentine's messages using the 3DS message service. DISCLAIMER: Nobody ever got laid by sending a Nintendo Letterbox message.
So the usual old bollocks then. Nobody at Nintendo is taking our hints. If you want people to watch this channel, put up exclusive and interesting content. Ubiquitous interesting content will get viewed on the internet. Exclusive shite content will make people never watch the channel again. The people would come if Nintendo eschewed all other outlets. Such a wasted opportunity that we'll strive to continue to keep you updated about.