How many emails does it take to get a rise out of Kotaku?

DON'T TOUCH THE FETT BITCHAlmost exactly a year ago, we started emailing tips to tips@kotaku.com for those of you who don't know, Kotaku is a gaming news site, probably the best one actually at least in terms of volume and frequency, not neccessarily consistency. Anyway the above email address is for Kotaku readers to email in tips or rumours so that Kotaku can copy and paste the post on their site with some insightful sentence of commentary from one of the editors, 80% of which are called Brian. From here the escapist and then EDGE copy and paste all their news.

So, for the last year we've been emailing in 'tips' sometimes once a day, other times once a month. But we did get a rise out of Brian Crecente once before they presumably blocked any email we send to them anymore. Question is can you guess after which one we got a response? Answer is on the reverse.

1. Hot Tip

If you look at the ground in Golden Eye on the N64 you run a tiny bit faster.

2. Another Hot Tip

In the videogame Halo, jumping around can make you harder to target by those who would "do you in".

3. An Even Hotter Tip

When playing Final Fantasy games, unlike real life, it is always prudent to talk to dogs and children. They may help with story progression.

4. An Even Hotter Tip

In Resident Evil 3: Nemesis on the PlayStation pressing square and down will make Jill Valentine (or Carlos) turn on the spot for a quick getaway!

5. Another flaming hot tiperoo

In the Wii game, Wario Ware: Smooth Moves, on the driving 'boss levels' both A and B buttons can be used to sound the horn and to get those pesky cows and baboons to get out of the way.

6. A Scorching tip today

Sorry for the lack of tips. Man's been ill for a couple a days. I'm making up for it with a scorching hot tip though!

In most videogames, just like in real life, characters cannot perform normal tasks whilst crouching. If you find your character isn't interacting with the environment, walking very slowly or not reloading weapons, check that they are not crouched down. If they are, try standing up and many of your ailments should dissappear.

7. A burning tip, burning. Flaming hot tip.

If you're gonna do a post about a video game drinking game, make it the original hardcore drinking game [prison rules version]http://www.thatguys.co.uk/2007/09/pokemon-drinking-game-prison-rules.html

8. Hotter than the surface of a hotplate tip today..

...just for you Kotaku slaves. Don't pass this tip on else everyone will be using it THUS NEGATING THE BENEFIT FOR YOU.

In Command and Conquer: Red Alert, you can tell you are about to be attacked because e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g l-a-g-s. Use this early warning system to bring back all your exposed whore trucks*.

*This is what all the cool kids call the ore trucks. Calling them whore trucks to other C&C Red Alert players instantly identifies you as "in the loop".

9. This is the hottest tip you ever received. Scorchio!

This is a tip for the fellas! Many women you come across may find your gaming "hobby" or worse, "lifestyle" a bit immature or sad. All that money wasted and you have nothing to show for it, except a bunch of save files! Don't fret though because many women like to spend extortionate amounts of money on shoes! Shoes! But there's more, it's not even shoes that enable walking, it's often shoes that cripple their feet, prevent them from walking over 1mph and cause them to whine after an evening out because their feet hurt! Now that's a waste of money, shoes that deliberately don't enable the very simple function of pain free walking. Mental.

10. Coming atcha like a volcano, truly the most burning tip yet

This one is for the ladies. In Dead Rising, when the yellow anorak cultists turn up, allow Frank to be "killed" by them (they should spit a powder in his face at which point he will black out). Instead of dying you'll awaken in a box in just your pants! Check out some schweet man ass and bulge for free!

Just don't tell anyone I told you!

11. Yesterday must have been cold without a hot tip so here's one that's been scorching a hole in my face

Don't bother with Second Life.

12.It's winter outside but here's a tip to warm you up

Shaking trees in Animal Crossing and Animal Crossing WIld World may reveal some furniture or better yet a bag of bells! Watch out for bees! If your quick enough you can catch the bees and sell them to Tom Nook for EVEN MORE BELLS!

13. The weekend looms, why not make it better with this tip!

In FPS (first person shooters) you should always strafe left to right. This makes you a harder target to shoot. You shouldn't strafe backwards and forwards because, although half the time you are becoming a smaller target, the other half you are becoming a larger target!

14. This tip comes for free but boy is it a hot one!

In the UK at least most gaming chain stores stock titles for little under a month before they are replaced with the new and shiny titles and piles of multiplatform releases like Catz or Cheggers' Quiz. Shopping online for games can be risky too because it's always disheartening to open up a second hand game you've received to find a scratch on the disc and jam all over the instruction booklet. Fear not though gamers because pawn shops often have a nice selection of games, in good nick and all the best titles aren't snapped up the minute they go one the shelves. This weekend I bought mint condition Code Veronica and Resident Evil Outbreak (I know! But I had to) for the PS2 for £6 ($12056US). Bargain!

15. I'm back from the centre of the earth, a journey that ook days to discover this hot tip!

Gamers, why not use valentine's day as an excuse to revisit Final Fantasy VII, Resident Evil 1 and three and Soul Calibur? Why? You might ask. Well to play as Jill, Vincent and Ivy Valentine! Yeah, yeah, put that in your stand up show, I'll let ya.

16. Just a tip but you might want to read this one.

If you get low on ammo in Resident Evil games, fear not because you can use the knife!

17. This tip is so hot men and women want it

In Resident Evil Outbreak press start to skip the cutscenes. For most other Capcom titles select works too!

18. England has had the Typhoid again so there hasn't been any tips for a while.....until now

In Crash Team Racing for the Sony PlayStation, make sure you always jump off of ramps and ledges. The higher you jump the bigger the boost you get upon landing!

19. I've been to the Congo, where I found this tip for you

In Brain Training for the Nintendo DS, holding select when you touch the Brain Training exercise lets you select the activities on which your brain age will be calculated so you can avoud the ones you find hard.

Blog that mofos, I'll be out tip hunting on your behalf.

20. Slow news day huh?

Well here's a fricking tip for you so post this so the readers don't die of not enough posts to devour! In the game Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles the RING OF FATES, make sure you "Add material" when making weapons and armour from a scroll. If you are not going to add material then the man next door will sell you the armour ready made for cheaper.

How did you like that tip kotaku? Because I tell you now. THERE'S PLENTY MORE WHERE THAT CAME FROM SON-SHINE

21. YET ANOTHER HOT TIP

How do I do it you ask? Well, that would be telling. Today's tip is for the game "Mashed".

If you aren't very good at mashed then always choose the red car. It's a little bit faster.

No, don't thank me, really. Just be glad to have the knowledge. It is power.

22. A new year and a new hot tip.

Wasn't dead guys just out, tip hunting.

Took me fourteen months of research and 10 years of work in the field. In that time I saw generations come and go. I saw the dawn of a new millenium but nothing would stay my hands and eyes looking for a tip in the event that you could do a post about it. Many times I wanted to give up on it all you know? Jack it all in. Live an easy tip-free life. But every time my heart drew me back in. I've seen things you can only dream about one of your friends dreaming about. I saw the face of god but I did not know madness. Very well, you may say but give up the tip. You can have the tip in a second but bear in mind the awful cost it took to get it. Use it wisely and it will guide you to a better place. Use it frivolously and life won't ever be the same again. Very well gentlemen, the tip:

If you get stuck on a wall in Mario Kart, reverse yourself until you can go forward and get off that wall or something.

No need to thank me but look into the eyes of your children tonight and know that you did best by god.

23. Here's another tip I trust you will take it?

In most Doom games you can pick up a weapon called a BFG. It is a very powerful weapon but do not use it at close range because you will kill yourself.

Just some L337 tech for ya to help you up your game, y'know?

24. A tip pure and simple, from me, to you

Hey guys another tip, free of charge for now. I'll put it on your tip tab yar?

Just drop the Day Note and Night Note yeah? No one likes it. Not even Crecente. And Bashcraft is like. "Dude me an my japanese wife who is japanese are in japan and we saw something that you only see in japan and we were in japan and my son who was in japan asked if japan is the same as America and I turned to my japanese wife and said in japanese no it isn't."
And Crecente is always like. "Great. I uh. Yeah. That must have been great". Then Bashcraft is back on the "SO WE WERE ALL IN JAPAN THE OTHER DAY AND WE WENT TO A JAPANESE PLACE AND AtE SOME JAPANESE FOOD AND IN JAPAN FOOD IS DIFFERENT THAN IN AMERICA AND IN JAPAN THEY HAVE DIFFERENT TRADITIONS AND STUFF. buy my book".

It's rarely about games at all. No one is particulalry interested and we all have friends who live in countries but who have made no attempt to ingratiate themselves. How about you change up the format? Like try and play some kind of videogame themed word game or six degrees of megaman. Anything else really. Give it a shot. Thank me later dudes.

It's a game for all the family! Cunzy1 1

Comments

DrHamHock said…
Totally gonzeaux, man.
Anonymous said…
Couldn't agree more/
on tip 24.
Anonymous said…
Uh on the 24th tip, how bout not reading the day and night notes?
Would help in the not being annoyed by them, wouldn't you say?
Matthew said…
"SO WE WERE ALL IN JAPAN THE OTHER DAY AND WE WENT TO A JAPANESE PLACE AND AtE SOME JAPANESE FOOD AND IN JAPAN FOOD IS DIFFERENT THAN IN AMERICA AND IN JAPAN THEY HAVE DIFFERENT TRADITIONS AND STUFF. buy my book".

Wow that is great. It does seem that all I ever hear on Kotaku is about Japan if it comes out of that guy.

I'll have to return to finish reading this when I have more time, but it's great so far.
Matthew said…
OK, it took me a little time to go through it all, but I have confirmed you are insane. Just give up, is one tip. The only tip I ever got posted was one about the Call of Duty 4 beta release. I've sent in cool stuff before of varying subjects (All related to gaming), but now that I understand how many emails they get, I can give them a little slack.

I do like what you said here:

. Yesterday must have been cold without a hot tip so here's one that's been scorching a hole in my face

Don't bother with Second Life.


I think the best tip you ever got is from Kotaku themselves (The link that is), so you're probably peeing yourself right now, congrats.
Anonymous said…
What a waste of time, I wish kotaku hadn't linked me here.
Anonymous said…
Its easy to hate kotaku, I mean I know I do at times...but their coverage is too good to overlook. Every other game site/blog out there is just copy and pasting off their feed.
Anonymous said…
I totally agree, I wish I hadn't followed this link.

This is what you do with your time and call news? Ugh.
KanSr said…
I, for one, very much like the Day and Night Notes.

Settle down.
bernardmcgraw said…
This is the best thing ever.
Anonymous said…
Congrats on wasting two years of your life attempting to get a rise out of someone you don't know and who couldn't give a rats ass about you.
Dick Licker said…
Meh.

I really wish you were funnier, I wanted to laugh. But the weakness of your "jokes" just made me die a little inside.
Anonymous said…
Seriously? This is how you waste your time? Here is a scorching hot tip for you...... jack off.... far better than email stalking guys.
Cunzy11 said…
Ah ha ha. 'Kotaku'
>9000 said…
Your tips are lame. seriously they are weak tips are supposed to be for information about new games not game guide help. and duh ashcraft lives in Japan I think he is going to be slightly japanese....
IQ<2 said…
"Your tips are lame. seriously they are weak tips are supposed to be for information about new games not game guide help."
Anonymous said…
sorta lame
Anonymous said…
This was good. Keep it up. I laughed.
Anonymous said…
Tip 9 was awesome, everything else sucked. I really don't see how these lame ass tips were supposed to somehow irritate kotaku.
Anonymous said…
Oh dear looks like the Anonymous above didn't know about the Goldeneye trick.

J-E-A-L-O-U-S.
Danj3ris said…
You are fantastical! Kotaku has surely hit the big time when they get a reader like you.

I can only hope and dream that one of my tips will get me special mention on one of their posts. Maybe I should send them this blazing hellfire inferno of a tip:

in Contra on the NES, you can enter up up down down left right left right B A start at the title screen and you get 30 lives!

Unbelievable! I'm surprised you never sent in that one. They would've took notice of you far earlier I believe. Its a damn shame it took you so long to get any recognition from Kotaku tower. But fear not good soul! You've done it! What's your Kotaku username? I wanna be yor fwend.

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