Thursday, October 30, 2008

Lets join that Bandwagon

Yes! This seasons bandwagon is four player vs. lots of enemies jobbies. A couple of seasons ago it was vehicles in FPS and the season before it was war games set in Vietnam.

Awesome image by Demonxxx over at somethingawful.com
Left 4 Dead, Horde mode in Gears of War 2 and the recently announced zombie mode in CoD:WaW have all recently been announced. Basically it's 4 player co-op vs. waves of things meaning players have to co-operate rather than fight against each other or be on each others teams but not really co-operate. Suspiciously, I should say, that these three games have all spontaneously come up with this idea. Is this innovation? Did we really have to wait until this gen to do these things? The answer to both of those questions is no. Basically, it's a bit of inspiration from Serious Sam, Timesplitters 2 Arcade challenges and virus mode and Project Eden mixed in with a bit of zombie love that has become the flavour of this dev cycle.

Sure, it's a nice feature but we'll all be bored to death of it after the tenth game offers up a "wave mode" and the technology could be used to do some more interesting things. This isn't innovation. This is making very small steps outside of the basic practice of copying what was done before.

At least Left 4 Dead tries to take it somewhere new. But until then we'll be sticking to our tried and tested Timesplitters 2 virus mode level we made (current max time 4 minutes 34 seconds after 6 years of trying.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

When will blogger be working again?

Blogger is currently broken. Which means you can't see our brilliant yet succinct posts and we can't even upload images we stole from the internet to illustrate posts that you the reader cannot see anyway. Unless you can see this post and the two below it, with pictures in which case, it has been fixed. Ignore the above, the below and the on the same line(s) as this sentence.

We're taking bets on when it will be fixed but unfortunately none of you will be able to bet by the very nature of the problem caused and the subject of the subsequent bet. Good luck!

WHEN WILL BLOGGER BE FIXED?:

1-45 Never.
1 Five minutes before the world succumbs to some kind of apocalypse event resulting in the loss of electricity for 50 or so years.
100-1 October 2008.
5-1 November 2008.

Place your bets now kids!

Friday, October 24, 2008

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Joined up thinking

Kotaku has the scoop, but the news that Left 4 Dead will have the cheevo "Zombie Genocidest" whereby you have to wipeout 53,595 zombies (one more zombie than Dead Rising's Zombie Genocide achievement) makes us smile.


Well done Valve, have a cookie.

Let's just hope Capcom don't sue.

The State of Play

For all the imploring for games to become more mainstream and "accepted", for all the essays by pretentious hacks trying to read more into gaming than is necessary, for all the protests and for all the forum threads that go on for years about the best characters or the top ten...... For all the social and political commentators bigging up the merits of games for education and art. For all those and more it must be pretty galling to see that Pro Evo just knocked FIFA off the top sales spot.

That's right, for all your whinging and whining about games the meatheads have it. The yearly update to a football game is what most real people are interested in. A game about a game where unnaturally shaven millionaires play football against each other. Unlucky.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

*Sigh*

This image from site we don't normally look at,Joystiq makes us sad. The top is the PS3 version and the bottom one is the Wii version. Looks like Sony tried to ruin it by making all the zombies grey like they're Solid Snake or something. Or a new PSN update or something. Or a sequel to Killzone or something.

Maybe I was twisty turning which one is which before you complain The Wii version looks terrible too. Too many zombies. I hope they scale that back before launch. Plus for all those Xbox 360 people laughing at other consoles only getting Dead Rising now at least we'll be able to read the fucking text man and it has multiplayer but they left that out of the press release. We have our sources though.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Omastar Comics #20

According to the dictionary, apathy is worse than murder. At our recent book group, this issue came up and it was one that went right to the heart of our old friend Omastar. For years he toiled away in underwater caves thinking about how to cure apathy. He thought really hard. Somedays he would think so hard he would need to go for a swim or have a lay down in order to relax. Then, the cure came to him in a dream one night. We were lucky enough to be there on the scene when he cured the world of apathy thus bumping murder a little bit up the list of bad things. Here it is:

Sometimes all it takes is saying a part of your own name and great changes can be made

Wow, that Omastar, what a guy.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Yes! TEKKEN 6

Hi guys! We're going to take time out of our regularly updated TGAM top 50 ultimate TGAM top games best list of best games of all time ever to bring you this very very exciting news:


Thanks internet. You don't even have to try to find a biff shot anymore
It's bifs again! But not just bifs filth seekers it's Tekken 6 bifs. Tekken is a great game and for those young 'uns who don't remember it here is how the series went:

Tekken 2: The series was so crazy it didn't even start at 1! Tekken 2 was a mashup of your favourite childhood toys, Lego, and your favourite beat em 'up game, Street Fighter. But it was better than Street Fighter because there was no fighting! There was never any contact, contestants just hit each other with neon fireworks until one of them gets tired or something. It was successful and on the PlayStation. Not even the PSOne yet!

Tekken 3: This was Tekken 2 but with a cheaty character introduced to the series.

Tekken 4: See Tekken 2.

Tekken 5: See Tekken 3.

Tekken 6: See Tekken 5 plus "sweat". Lots of sweat.

Unfortunately, it is now coming out for the PS3 and Xbox 360 so the PlayStation fanboys lose perhaps the strongest weapon in their war now that the best game on the PS3 has gone multiplatform. Dang!

We're so excited about this news we almost forgot that the entire Tekken series is a big steamning pile of crap far worse than any other fighting game in existence*.

*Yeah, we're going there, it's worse that Mortal Kombat. We said it now.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

You are probably here looking for filth.

Yes you are aren't you? If you are the three people that came here yesterday looking for "soul calibur xxx" you probably want to go here or here. If you are the people desperate to find the "devil may cry 4 front mag" stuff you should go here. For the person looking for jay haffling, presumably Jay himself, go here. For the sicko who was looking for people with viagra naked, I would refine your search a bit first and the sad soul looking for porn guy blogger, we presume you didn't find them here.

Disappointing people, disappointing. Where is the imagination? Where are the searches for Guy Cocker or Naked Bif? We've got baby death and all kind of things to put into any orifice of choice. Boobs you want boobs? We got boobs in various flavours, WoW, Resident Evil Underboob (neathage) to mention but a mere few. We got spluff the biscuit going on too. You're not even googling terms like Red & White Bum Marmite and Green and bloody douche juice but it is all here for ya! All this and more and if you are taking an average of thirty seconds to get yourself off our archive should last you a year before you need to get fresh material.


In short filthy teenagers, you sorely disappoint us with your lack of imagination and creativity. I imagine your moms would be dissapointed too when she sees that the best you could manage was "people naked with viagra". Hopefully you'll be directed to this page from now on as a kind of taster index to all kinds of gaming filth held here.


Cunzy1 1

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Meatspace.

You may ask when is a good time to use the word 'meatspace' instead of terms like 'the real world' of 'the physical world'.

My friend, he is a hacker and he once totally hacked the government and like ordered 100 MacDonalds to 11 Downing Street. It was proper Leet.The answer is never, children, never. You never need to use it and any time you do, attractive girls and normal guys with jobs, cars, pensions and mortgages laugh at you and point at you and call you Urkel and do the things with the fingers to make glasses over their eyes. Then you'll probably make a webcomic where you kill the attractive girls and normal guys with a Buster sword and all your forum friends will send you emoticons until your inner balance is restored.
You may also ask when is a good time to use the word 'meatspace' to refer to female nether regions.

There isn't really a good time to use that word in that context either I am afraid. To reiterate, nobody should ever use the word meatspace.

I have preemptively written to the OED to tell them to take meatspace out of their dictionaries or us and the lads will be putting dictionaries into their meatspaces.

Monday, October 06, 2008

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Next-next gen? Hold up....

Anyone (unlike us) with their finger on the pulse on video games these days might be excited with all the buzz around what the future holds for next--next gen. There's a new DS (no GBA slot!?), updates for the 360 and a host of expensive clip ons and add ons for the Wii. RUmours are also abound that Little Big Planet and Home might, you know, get released. You may be excited but were certainly aren't.

What happened to last and this gen? The PS2 and the GBA, two fine formats still found in many many houses have been all but ditched commercially. Try it. Go to your nearest game shop and try to find some of the classics for these two formats. You probably won't find anything at all. If you are lucky you might find a copy of Okami or a battered copy of Pokemon Emerald in amongst the shovelware shit that Ubisoft insists on churning out for the all but abandoned platforms.

And what for this gen? The choice for each platform is still hugely underwhelming, each consoles has a handful of must-owns and this is reflected in sales charts where Mario Kart DS (3 years old) and Wii Play (2 years old) still fly high. Where's the new IP? Where's the good games that don't come bundled with some kind of peripheral bumping the cost up to £50 and £60 (Guitar Hero, Rock Band, Wii Speak, Wii motion plus, Balance board etc. etc.).

Why don't game retailers get savvy and instead of stocking shit they've been told to stock for old platforms, offer a selection of classics for the platform? I'd like to be able to stroll into any shop and be able to pick up a copy of SSX Tricky or Freedom Fighters for the PS2. I don't think I've ever seen a copy of Ecks vs. Sever in a shop and it's one of the best handheld FPS, unrivalled today (in my opinion of course).

It all makes no sense. The high street should stop pandering the to people with more money than sense and stock games like bookshops stock books. You'd never imagine going into a bookshop and asking for a copy of A Tale of Two Cities expecting the shop assistant to look at you blankly before recommending some new book that was on Richard and Judy last week.

The loss of the GBA slot on the DSi is a shame. I can see why they did it, probably because GBA games aren't making the money that DS games are. Of course, this is completely understandable because you can't buy a fucking GBA game in the high street anymore. Also, the PS2 is regularly touted as still one of the biggest platforms but you won't find any good new games and you'll be hard pressed to find the great old games offline.

To be fair, Nintendo and Microsoft do allow for some support for the old games with the virtual console and backward compatability and the recent announcement that Nintendo will be re-releasing some of the better Gamecube games is a good one. Anecdotes from the internet and magazines tell how some people are only now discovering some of the old classics by chance or through the virtual console and that is a good thing. However, I still can't play Dino Crisis 3 without digging out an old Xbox and I resent having to buy the old N64 games again when I have a catridge that works fine anyway. Also, thanks for re-releasing the Gamecube games but it wouldn't be neccessary if the Gamecube hadn't been abandoned half way through it's life cycle. And is it worth the Wii points to buy SNES and N64 games just to save the hassle of unravelling miles of wires and searching for old plugs and spare plug sockets? Maybe.

Of course you can probably still find the old classics online but you may have to pay a bit more than you would have and for the new casual gamers just getting into gaming they aren't going to research for hours to find out that Timesplitters 2 was a great game and then order a copy from Amazon. And then a memory card. And then some extra controllers......

I shouldn't have to dig out my GBA to play gameboy games or dig out my old DS to play GBA games. I don't want to spend hours finding the right multitap and the right pads for the right PS2 in order to play multiplayer Red Faction 2. I don't want to spend money on games that I already have for my old console. I don't want any more peripherals that will be supported by three games before being forgotten and I don't want to waste money on slimline, updated or HD versions of consoles or consoles which can take fucking pictures and connect to my sandwich toaster when there still aren't that many good games out anyway.

If games are supposed to be more than just play things for loser adoloescents then how about game retailers and marketing people wise up a bit and start selling games in a more discerning way. How about a "classics" section for old platforms with a selection of the top games from years former. Also, how about selling games like you would sell most other forms of media, i.e. keep a selection of the good ones out at all times. I spent hours searching for Advance Wars: Dual Strike a mere four months after it's release and tracking down Endless Ocean on the high street has been an endless pain. But you'd have no problem finding a great film, good music or great books.
Some games are timeless and the experiences we gain through them stay with us for a long time and it would be a shame to just forget these old games or bar access to them for new generations just to make a dime. Penny Arcade have had some interesting stuff up about DRM, some of which tocuhes on the pains of keeping access to games that you bought and owned, I'd recommend reading it.
In the meantime let's pause a while to forgotten classics and perhaps dig some out over the weekend and let them take you back to simpler times. Times when you didn't need an online connection to play your games and times when plinky plonky music and raw graphics were enough to whisk you off to other worlds.
Review of this artcile: Jesus Christ so Tl;dr and also too much emotion. Must be on the blob or something.