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Showing posts from December, 2007

TGAM 2007 Awards!

TGAM, Once again breaking the mold of videogame blogging. That's right. This year we decided to have an awards system for video games. You know, like the ones for books and films. We're sure this idea is likely to take off in a big way. Remember reader, you saw it here first. So, without further ado here are the awards:


The 2007 TGAM award for
Best Touching

1. Juiced 2: Hot Import Nights
2. Touch Master.
3. Balls of Fury.
4. Cookie and Cream


Winner:
Resident Evil: Deadly Silence There wasn't much choice this year. To be honest the above DS games were chosen for their titles and the hilarious link with the word "touching". But this year we're going to give Resident Evil DS the reward retrospectively for the bits where you get to touch up Jill Valentine and she covers herself and gets a bit offended. Once again Capcom shows they know their audience and Jill is all the more titilating because she doesn't just stand there and take it (cough, Leon, cough, cough)


The …

Merry Christmas

With Christmas imminent I've got to do the work of everyone else who has "gone home" to hang out with their "friends and family". As such I'll be too busy to do many updates. So this may be the last one of 2007 from me. Don't hold me to it though. Watch this.


There's Christmas trees and shit in it at the end if you need a link between what we write and what we put up for you to wtch/download/listento/wank over.

Testing, Testing, 1, 2, 3

See that blog title? That's what you can expect from TGAM: cliched post titles. That and tits. Anyway, today I am proud to bring you an interview with someone who properly works in the Games Industry, unlike us scrotes who sit on the periphery. Below is an interview with a lady who has had years of experience in games testing and went on to set up her own games testing company, which, is widely regarded as one of the best QA Testing companies around and doesn't let schlep pass through the door and out the other side unlike other companies. She has chosen the synonym Jill Valentine for this interview which, sure is nice for us because it's like Jill was actually here.

C11: Hello, Jill, welcome to TGAM.
JV: Hello. I'd like to say it's nice to be here but....

C11: Isn't games testing just an opportunity to get paid for playing games?
JV: Yes and no. Do you remember some of the ridiculous time limit challenges in the original Goldeneye that you had to complete to unloc…

DANGER: Women in Games

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Woah, now there is a lot of female attention happening in the games industry at the moment. Like we need more… Seriously I think girls have got their quota in the games industry and are recognised enough nowadays.

Girls have:

1. Personalised Systems, such as the Pink DS and a variety of Pink Peripherals.
2. A selection of shite games, Pony Friends, Barbie shopping, Cooking Mama etc…
3. Zelda?!? Apparently??!?! The Phantom hourglass is advertised as one of the DS’s “Games for Girls”, when the fuck did that happen? Why does the fairer sex get this franchise?
4. The DS in general, all titles for it seem to cater for girls in some way.
5. The Rezibator. Guys are not allowed attachments to games to get them going (apart from the guitar in guitar hero).
6. An unfair advantage in MMOs, due to all the guys being desperate.
1. [General] [Legolaas] ZOMG!!!!11 Nerf Girls they are IMBA
7. An inbuilt ability to multi-task.
8. The “years of persecution” card which they never play, but you know they will wh…

Word Up!

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You may have gathered but we here are gay for Capcom. One of the many facets of that relationship is that they love to have crossover cameos that make girls like us gush like that lift from the Shining, except with green and bloody douche juice. Here's a selection that we could rip from the internet.

Here is the excellent Frank West, in his pants, in the mediocre Lost Planet. This image is from gay gamer. Perhaps they have dreams about Frank West too?

This is Dino Crisis character Regina in Resident Evil 3! IT'S NOT REALLY IT'S JUST JILL DRESSED UP AS REGINA. It's an important distinction to make because you may be surprised if the cuffs don't match the collar in your dreams.

Here is Megaman. IN DEAD RISING. We are sad when we think about Megaman and sadder when Capcom do things like this. Of all the good franchises to include as a cameo you choose the worst one. 4/10

It's the Nemesis in Under the Skin!Under the skin was average at best with the exception of the R…

Gears of War: the Chainsaw argument.

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I’m getting pretty pissed off with Gears. There was a short lived few weeks after everyone was bored with Halo 3 online and went back to Gears, and it was all good player matches were fun, ranked was still full of arseholes, but that’s to be expected. Now everyone seems to have settled down online and it seems that only Gears of War fans are really playing online. Normally this would be a good thing, however there is still one burning question:

To Chainsaw or not to Chainsaw.


The Chainsaw argument, is an unconventional argument, as in there is no fucking argument. Either it is tolerated or it is not. As far as I can see no-one likes being chainsawed, and quite rightly so it is a little humiliating, but that shouldn’t be grounds for online abuse. These are the main issues I see that people have:

1. No skill involved.

BULLSHIT. Admittedly all it takes is pressing the “B” button, but getting yourself close enough to Chainsaw someone is a feat, usually you have to dodge Snipers use scare tact…

Moist

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So that's that then we now know what games to expect (or not expect) under the Xmas tree this year.

Mario Galaxy
Assassins Creed
Call of Duty 4
*cough* Pokemon Battle Revolution.

This leaves us looking forward to just one thing, 2008 Release’s. And I use "Release" in all its literal forms, especially the sexual one though. My personal choices of games that will give me dirty thoughts and make me touch myself in that special way. Are:

Devil may Cry 4, They released videos and pics with actual Dante in them! And he speaks! And he has a wooshy charge up sword thing, and the guy playing was rubbish, and I WANNNA PLAY IT NOOOOOOOOOOOOW!





That’s about it, thanks for tuning into out 2008 update.

All other games are academic.

From Starlight to Twilight

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As I have mentioned in posts previous, in the UK at least, the PS2 is in it's twilight months. Despite many homes having one under the table, despite the PS2 only really finding it's feet in terms of both graphics and gameplay with late releases like Final Fantasy XII, despite developers and publishers promising to support it after "next gen" it's nearly game over for the PS2. At least on the high street anyway. Go into any game shop and check out the PS2 section. The only new titles are cheap copycat shams targetted at the "casual gamers" or the hypothetical confused grannies. Yes I mean you, Alvin and the Chipmunks game and Petz 2 and World Series Poker 2008 and Hot Wheels: Beat That and PDC Championship darts 2008.
Those looking to preowned section will also be dissapointed with the glut of average and obscure games. On a recent trip to the stores I couldn't locate copies of Resident Evil Outbreak 1 or 2 (I know they're awful) or the latest tw…

Blah, blah, blah

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Discerning readers may have caught wind of the latest study confirming that there is a positive correlation between exposure to violent media and violent behaviour.
The study was undertaken by L. Rowell Huesmann at the University of Michigan, funded by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and published in the Journal of Adolescent Health.

In an uncharacteristic manoeuvre we actually got hold of this journal paper, unlike most of these scummers, and had a read. And what you find in the report is not what is being bounced around the web, cut down into bite size chunks for morons like you and me to read, comment on and then ignore.

The paper was good but didn't have any images. There is only one typo, which, although unfortunate isn't entirely unexpected.

There we go, yet another example of high fidelity Gaming Journalism from the World's Second Greatest Video Game Blog of All Time, That Guy's A Maniac.

Jeff Glooberman

As about 2 of our 5 readers worked out, I recently wasn't fired but was sham fired, mirroring the recent oxymoronic Gaming Journalism integrity fiasco over at Gamespot. If you don't know the haps by now, basically, some guy called Jeff Niderman, who is/was some kind of editor over at Gamespot, did a text and video review of the much hyped, always looked-like-it-would-turn-out-mediocre, game, Kane and Lynch:Dead Men. Kane and Lynch: Dead Men was published by the "haven't done anything good since Resident Evil 3:Nemesis" publisher Eidos. The review gave it a 6 and Jeff Groberlein repeatedly described it as ugly throughout the video review. Then after some initial grape vine rumours it turns out that Jeff Gleistmeyer was unceremoniously fired at Gamespot and as it happens around the same time, "thanks for ruining Tomb Raider" publisher Eidos had also planned to do a big marketing campaign on the face of Gamespot for Kane and Lynch: Dead Men. The gibbering …

Reviews totally unrelated to any recent loss of staff members

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Naruto: Rise of a Ninja

Follows the Protagonist “Naruto”, ninja from the hidden leaf village, though his training as a boy through to a slightly older boy. It’s like GTA but with cartoon ninjas, and no cars.

Thatguys Review: 12/10. It’s amazing even though this game has been developed entirely on the 360 from the ground up they have made the graphics look as good as a PS2




Beowulf: the game

Like the Movie but you don’t get cool specs to see it in 3D. Doesn’t feature any of the original voice cast. The plot is disjointed. Feels like a generic 3rd person fighter, but more sluggish.

That guys Review: 9/10. All you could want in a slow, incoherent 3D fighter.

P.S. We have no idea who published these games.

Cunzy11, thatguys part ways

After nearly 2 years of news, reviews, awkward ramblings, Pokemon fanficcery and Vaginal/games development, Cunzy11 editorial director's tenure ends; TGAM editors address controversy surrounding his departure.

The past week marked the end of an era at TGAM. After several years working his way up through the ranks, Cunzy11 tenure as co-writer has ended.

"Cunzy11 was a central figure in the creation and evolution of TGAM, having written hundreds of incoherent ramblings, and occasionally sorting out the links bar," said Richie, Co-writer of TGAM. "The award-winning writing team he leaves behind wish him nothing but good luck in his future endeavours. Homophobe."

Due to legal constraints and the company policy of TGAM, details of Cunzy's departure cannot be disclosed publicly. However, contrary to widespread and unproven reports, his exit was not a result of pressure from a certain developer who may (or may not) have been happy with the tone of one (or more) of o…

For your Mrs.

Well she's got to do something whilst you amass over 25000 gamerpoints....