Friday, May 29, 2009

The skinny one is feeling up the fatties bewbs.

Hideo Kojima updates site with cryptic message

Hideo "hasn't made a decent game for quite a while and won't be continuing Metal Gear series" has been updating the Kojima productions site with all kinds of bullshit. Scenic imagery, counters that countdown to more counters and other crap that has Kotaku and nobody else even remotely excited. Until this morning that is.

Kojima is a boxer

At 4am this morning GMT the above image went up on the site. What does it mean?

Thursday, May 28, 2009

The New Forms of Rotom

As you may know we are fans of the children game Pokemon. A new remake is out ensuring yet more millions of daktarin for Nintendo. This time around though Pokemon Platinum adds nothing new to the game series and the new edition is very very stingy with the introduction of a very generous no new pokemon. Yes, that's a fat zero. It appears that 'forms' are the new thing to get adults to part with money to please their children. So it's the same pokemon except they have slightly different sprite set. And Pokemon Platinum isn't short on delivering remakes of existing pokemon inside a whole game which is essentially a remake.

Giratina and Shaymin now have two different forms (seriously does anyone even care about this. We don't and we're a semi-interested party). But Rotom get's a whopping six new forms to not care about! Originally pokemon used to be about mirroring the organisms we find in nature (as well as representing legends, myths, umm art forms and martial arts?) but now as Ninty scrape the creativity barrel Rotom gets six new forms based on of all the exciting things, household appliances.

We kid you not.

The thing is, five of them are very normal (lawnmower, fan, fridge, washing machine and oven). But the sixth form?

Rotomitrator

Umm Rotomibrator? In a kiddie game? O-o

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Wii Play Tanks! has been doing my head in, I just want a gold medal but keep dying god it is so annoying I just want to beat it but can't.

Those purple fuckers on level 15 do my head in.
Shit. Did it again.

DJ Hero peripherals announced!

Following in the footsteps of non-game series Guitar Hero, now on it's 16th iteration, and Rock Band (are we on 4? 5? nobody cares), the upcoming DJ Hero is also keen to milk the shit out of mainstream non gamers with these three peripherals so you can play with your mates:

DJ Hero Dex- Estimated Retail Price $140 pounds.
This killer dex will show how truly easy the job of a DJ is. Just put on a compilation CD and watch the game play itself. In the meantime you can feel up some jailbait who is on an AK trip.

DJ Hero Manbag- Estimated Retail price 54 euros.
Show off to all your friends how much of a super underground artisan you are with this mass produced man/record bag available at any shitty independent music shop that still sells vinyl. Customise it with up to four slots for anti war and graffiti inspired badges.

DJ Hero Beanie- Estimated Retail price £30.
Look like a youth knob at and away from the console! Has three slots for official DJ Hero 'ironic goth message badges' sold separately.

DJ Hero Tats- Estimated retail price £20.50 each.
Look like the twat you are with these exclusive twattish tattoos for you to show off at your fast food restaurant day job. Variants include that Celtic thing that everyone has, that stupid star design that people insist on getting on their wrists, neck and face and that other tribal thing that sluts get above their thong, which itself sits 4-5 inches above the ass crack and or trouser waistband.

We can hardly wait. We've preordered all this shit and it's all us and our wannabe DJ friends can think about. Until then we'll keep you posted with any news that comes our way about the latest plastic peripheral shit to kill gaming once and for all.

Monday, May 11, 2009

A friend in need

Semi-retired Ram Raider have come back out of retirement again again to bring us this news about a game called Darkfall. The essence of the issue, for those too lazy to hit the link is that Eurogamer staffer Ed Zitron was unfairly treated by the company behind Darkfall Online, Aventurine. Including the not deleting of personal details put up on a forum. Or something.

This is unfair treatment and an issue that we are happy to bring more attention to, through the time honoured review of Darkfall Online Boxart.

Cunzy1 1: What? No boxart?

Richie: No due to the cutbacks we can't afford to google images anymore so we'll have to review the game title itself.

Cunzy1 1: Another world first from TGAM. Second greatest etc. etc.

Richie: Hmmm. Darkfall. Doesn't that game exist?

Cunzy1 1: No you are thinking of Darkwatch.

Richie: No. I was thinking of the Darkness.

Cunzy1 1: Isn't that a band? Also, I was thinking of Dark Stalkers.

Richie: Racist.

Cunzy1 1: Not racist. But by finding me racist you are a racist.

Richie:?

Cunzy1 1: Because I am so not racist I can't see colour. Everyone is colourless. There is no race. If you think there is, you are racist.

Richie: So all those people who thought Resident Evil 5 was racist?

Cunzy1 1: Yes. Racists. The racists.

Richie: So Darkfall Online. Sounds like a game where you play as a black Hitler from Downfall.

Cunzy1 1: Maybe it's a game about wells. Or big caves.

Richie: Or the onset of night.

Cunzy1 1: So the final score? This is a review after all. Shall we review it ONM styleee?

Richie: Lets. Is it a Nintendo game?

Cunzy1 1: No.

Richie: Is it a Wiimake of a gamecube game?

Cunzy1 1: No.

Richie: Is it a capcom game?

Cunzy1 1: No.

Richie: Is it De Blob?

Cunzy1 1: No.

Richie: Does it have a screenshot of a character with fire coming out of their arse or face so we can print it with a hilarious "Curry" joke?

Cunzy1 1: No.

Richie: Okay 2/10.

Cunzy1 1: Cool. I've been Ed Zitron....

Richie: And I've been Ed Zitron. Shit now we are going to get abuse on our myspace page from Darkfall Online fans.

Cunzy1 1: Do we have a Myspace page? Does Myspace even exist still?

Richie: Yeah we set it up in 2003 when Myspace launched. We also have a Twitter page which we've had since 2006. When Twitter launched.

Cunzy1 1: Wow so the Guardian might do a cutting edge report on something we wrote on there 3 years ago?

Richie: Any day now I'm expecting our thoughts from yesteryear to be front page news. Such is the cutting edge of the newspapers.

Cunzy1 1: 'Ediacaran spokesperson, "Predicted extinction of us"'

Richie: Palaeontology jokes. "Exclusive, Resident Evil for PlayStation review"

Cunzy1 1: Indeed. Actually they could just run that review every year because at anytime across the globe Capcom are remaking Resident Evil. It's a perma-review.

Richie: Not so my friend!

Cunzy1 1: Shit. We sold out? When? I wondered why the decor seemed different. So will this post attract any hits?

Richie: Only bad ones. Only bad ones.

Cunzy1 1: Damn. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid.

Richie: Ain't that the truth.