Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Londonage

On this past Saturday I ventured to the abscesses of England, to London. Essentially this trip was to see the mighty David Gilmour at the Albert hall, but I also decided to pay a visit to an old army-buddy (Well, I say “old army-buddy”: a Uni-mate in his early twenties) called Cunzy11.

Anyway the roster for the trip was as follows:

  1. Make it to London.
  2. Find Cunzy11
  3. Drink Alcohol
  4. Purchase/Drink a Cosmopolitan with a Straight face.
  5. See David Gilmour.
  6. Break into the Big Brother house.
  7. Get home.

Step 1: Make it to London.

First off: there was no fucking way I was travelling to the depths of England in a bus for like a Million hours so, I bought some of the bog-standard internet flight tickets from Glasgow to London.

After venturing for an hour on the Train I finally make it to the airport with 45mins to spare (as the tickets said). Well, I check in and the Big-Magical-Screen-of-all-knowing says “Flight Closed” so I fuck about in the airport, wander through WH Smith, eye-up the arcade machines, and purchase a wonderfully over-priced Cheese, Mozzarella and ham Sub. Now this Sub costs me like £4 and I grudge it in every way, the only motivation to continue walking to the till lady is that I am fucking starving and every other item to eat is either covered in green stuff (lettuce cucumber etc.) or Mayonnaise (Rancid baby-juice of the devil). I then park myself a at a table on-looking the Big-Magical-Screen-of-all-knowing, which incidentally still says “Flight Closed” (it was now 30mins to take off and counting). I opened this stupidly expensive “gourmet” sub, much to my dismay there is one crappy piece of ham, and a sprinkle of grated cheese (which doesn’t really resemble Cheddar or Mozzarella, let alone both). So I think, “Fuck it” and take a bite: at which point I believe all the moisture in my body proceeded to be absorbed by the bread, which, given the lack of ham and cheese, is all I could taste anyway. I eat about ¾ and then leave the wrapper and sub scattered around the table, that way the staff have to do extra work to clean it up, which is about the most I can do to get revenge on the fuckers for endorsing such a sub-standard (pun definitely not intended) misery-inducing, soul-destroying, wallet-lightening, pile of shit, food produce.

Now it’s 15mins to take off and I am starting to question the Big-Magical-Screen-of-all-knowing. I ask the fat-balding, possibly gay, boarding ticket guy, “What’s happening with the flight? The Big-Magical-Screen-of-all-knowing still says flight closed”.

He replies (with a VERY camp voice, previous suspicions have been confirmed), “Oh the screen is on the blink, everyone is boarding now”

I stare blankly

I rush through dumping as much metal crap as possible (keys, rings etc) in the plastic box, but of course the cunting metal door beeps. After being felt up by another guy with questionable sexuality, I run through the myriad of toblerones and perfume, through to the boarding lounge just to find that the kids have been let through and I am somehow at the front of the queue. BONUS. Not only did I not need to fuck about in the boarding lounge where anxiety frustration and boredom collide, but I was first on the plane. The window seat is mine!

Step 1: Make it to London. CHECK.

Score: Richie 1: London 0

To be continued....

Playing WoW vs. Not playing WoW.

Richie plays WoW. I don't and never will. Why? you ask when every blogger goes on about it and Youtube and Googlevideo are jammed with WoW videos.

Firstly, PC gaming. PCs are inherently broken except Macs but we all know about Mac users. More often than not the lastest, and allegedly greatest, games cannot be played on your 2 day old PC unless you turn graphics, mouse, power and sound off even then it grinds to playing at 2.5 fps before blue screen death.

Secondly, RPGs in general are not hard. There is no skill involved other than menu juggling. All it takes is a lot of time. Put in x-hours reach x-level repeat. If you wrote down a list of your in game acheivements it would read like a really boring diary. Went here, got this, went here got this. levelled up, went here etc.
I read somewhere on a forum that a WoWer was sick of "flinch" games such as FPS, driving games, beat em ups etc. taking the limelight in e-games and on the increasing number of Webchannels. Could you imagine WoW TV? It would be more boring than the Winter Olympics or the Super Bowl. Seriously. Watching a typical 8 hour long show would be 4 hours of hanging around a hub waiting for people to turn up and watching item swapping and general chit chat. Eventually the party would get going until a group of harassers ambushes them and kills a couple of the healers. Then a two hour discussion would start about how players shouldn't fight each other (what exactly does the war bit in Warcraft stand for?). Then the party would get into a fight and viewers could watch twenty guys (in the generic term) kill three enemies which involves looking at a lot of fireworks and running around. Then another hour would be spent diviing up the loot..............

For me gaming on a console with the other players in the room or at the most in anohter room, on games from the typical Halo, Supersmash Brothers, WarioWare, Mario Kart, Who Wants to be a Millionaire, is far more rewarding not to mention social. There is no need to fear server crashes every ten minutes and if someone supects foul play they take it up with the individual player they don't log on to every forum they can find bitching about it whilst repeatedly whinging to GMs or whoever. Also with console gaming there is no need to fear accidently having gay cyber "sex" with a 14 year old and a bunch of his mates who are pissing themselves at your literal sexual inadequacy. Seriously, look at the sheer number of night elves parading around using sexy poses in their underwear. Is that really how girl gamers play MMORPGs? Is it?

Gauntlet thrown. Cyber that for gold if you will

Yeah, yeah...

Welcome to the cyber love child of Richie and Cunzy11's Brain, and while you ponder that disturbing image, I'll be working on the reason that this digital farce ever came into being.

Yokoso, Willkommen, Bienvenue

Due to the overwhelming success of our previous blogs we have decided to collaborate in order to bring you the latest reasons why Richie is a homo who is pretty bad at games. Enjoy