Posts

BREAKING NEWS FROM THE ESCAPIST

High School Student Uses Gameboy To Create Fake Bomb
Think that's neat? I just used a sharpener to create a fake bomb. I just used a credit card to create a fake bomb. I just used my fingers and a mouth noise to create a fake gun. In fact I just this second used a pen and my keys to create a fake fourty foot mechanic titan capable of destroying civilization with nothing but happy thoughts.

Sometimes. Just sometimes. I think that the gaming "news" sites stretch the definitions of 'gaming' and 'news'. Have you created a fake something recently?

Metroid Prime 3 A REVIEW OF SORTS Part 1

Image
Dear all. We have only just finished Metroid Prime 3: Corruption but before snarky web morons laugh out loud and then point out that it took us three years to complete a game, we would like to qualify that it took us 22 hours actually. We had other stuff to do between 2007 and now.

The Other Stuff We Did
Didn't spend all our time on Internet forums complaining about how we might have to dust off our Wii because we play every single game that comes out to completion in about two days because we are school-aged losers who have no other life to speak of.Competitive sports. The manly ones.Talking about cars. We like the ones with alloys on the pistons.Trying to get platinum medals for everything on Timesplitters Future Perfect even though officially we pretend the series stopped at 2.Emailing Penny Arcade monthly or so with various ruses. They are either so cunning they see through our excellent ruses or they don't read 90% of the shit most people send them.Lying to our younger cous…

FIRST IMPRESSIONS DON'T MATTER*

Image
Lightning: We have to stop the Zaffels.
A Man Who is Whack: Are you sure?
Lightning: ....
Whack Man: But I thought you were Pincelplips
Lightning: I guess we were all along
Whack Man: Quick. Get to Hope.

Four inches down a corridor later.

Hope: Where is lightning? I always hated it since the Pandforma days.
Whack Man: I'd like to submit an edict regarding the use of nouns for names.
Lightning: Hope! Did you ride the Vangle Goolies lightning?
Hope: Hopefully not Lightning.
Lightning: I meant lightning not Lightning.
lightning: Zzzzzap.

A CHOCOBO CALLED CHOCOBO COMES FROM WHACK MAN'S HAIR

Hope: Let's get a slave.

Apparently, after twenty hours of this, the game gets 'good'.



*Perhaps Square should have waited for the science to have been double checked on this one.

Battalion Wars 2

Image
In a frantic attempt to work our way through the highlights of the Wii back catalogue before the deluge of SMG2, Metroid Other M, No More Heroes 2 and other sequels further off on the horizon we picked up a copy of Battalion Wars 2 for a measly £7.99! Yes it was second hand but it was sold out first hand in my three go-to places. I will support your creativity if you fucking let me at my convenience. Sorry guys but thats commercialism for ya!
Battalion Wars 2 is very good and for us it itches the spot that has gone un-itched since the good ol' Starcraft days. You know, schoolboy football with loveable tanks and grunts and ships and stuff. Playing it also reminded us of another one of our all time favourites, Giants: Citizen Kabuto.
Play time is dwindling in the single figures and sadly progress on the campaign is already up to 20% (:() but already we're hooked, especially on the online modes which had us cursing the day various anonymooses were born. Also, on a plural personal …

Lost Planet 2, following the "Hype" machine

Image
Lost Planet 2 is out soon, and Capcom are trying really hard to make some hype about it.

I have been following it a little bit for a while now, mainly because I saw the trailer with the mighty Sir Om-nom-nom ages ago. I played the Lost Planet Demo and I was ultimately underwhelmed, it played like an inferior Gears of War with grappling ropes. However that doesn't mean LP2 wont add more to the franchise, which ius why  I'm not writing to disparage the game itself. I'm just really disappointed with the hype the game has attempted to generate.
They dropped some merchandise in ice in 8 cities in America. That's it, not much more to say, some people got them. They now own some merchandise and a beta code for online... 

Now I read a few things about the plot of Lost Planet, and I want to like it, futuristic sci-fi set on a terra-forming ice planet, yet this planet has a mystery... ooooh.

But not may people seem to care, Time for some Thatguys Market research!
I presented ce…

Capcom DRM: Where is the apology?

Numerous sites ran with the news today that Capcom forgot to inform players that in order to play Final Fight: Double Impact, players had to be online all the time. They apologised for not telling players about the DRM.

However, at the time of writing Capcom have still not apologised for the existence of the Game itself yet. TGAM Editor in Heels, Richie Richards had the following to say:

"The world really didn't need either of these games the first time around. This reboot is totally redundant. It would be like releasing Megaman 10 for fuck's sake."

TGAM Pilot First Rank, Doppelganger chimed in with:

"Great. More middle of the road games. I can barely tolerate to think of the days I used to get excited about games anymore. I hope someone somewhere is genuinely excited to see these games again"

This blog, once upon a time a single Capcom IP fan site of sorts, is sad to see Capcom joins the long list of those failing to apologise for their decidely average IP…

Little King's Story-Update

Image
We are now up to killing these guys. For those of you who have played it you would know that that is not very far.
Some people interpret these guys to be "Teh Blacks". Because they are um black? But they have horns and big pointy teeth. To be honest I'm not too happy about genociding them. Two of them were talking to each other just over a tree topped bluff whilst my guys were clearing rocks out of the way to start the genocide. Touchingly, the two chaps were talking about wood, crowns (maybe me?) and each other. I was struck by a pang of guilt as my inept force mowed them down in bloodless violence. One of my guards stood on the head of one and hacked at it with a sword in the face. It turned into a sweet. The horn of another one was harvested for the town coffers.
Elsewhere about the town two citizens and two of my guards got married. Both instantly received a delivery of a new born child, one of which saw active service in the genocide mentioned above about four seconds…

Penny Arcade Time Magazine. Is this a joke.

Image
*Please stop these people being our voice*

Not because they are Fugly, not because they are male...
...because I'm pissed that they got to #15 in Time Magazine for a trashy webcomic (there are much better ones out there) and maybe a little bit because of their looks, mostly because they do not believe they deserve this kind of honour. I cant say it much harsher; THEY. ARE. UNDESERVING. (IMO)
In all honesty you could have slung any gaming celebrity on the voting pole in there place, hell... put Mario on there and he would have done the same/better.
Love and the Bald one has been caught abusing animal corpses.

Richie X

Marvel vs Capcom 3 Character List

Image
So who does it include this time?

From the Pics we have seen so far: 
* An oddly uncanny-valley-esque Incredible Hulk. * A selection of characters from Marvel vs Capcom 2 * And the one everyone is fapping about: Chris Redfield.
Chris was the star* of Resident Evil, Resident Evil: Code Veronica and Resident Evil 5.  Chris is not the first Resident Evil character in the Marvel vs Capcom Series and well considering the events of Resident Evil 5 you can understand why she may not be around.
Other than that, well we don't actually have a character list, it was just a trap to get google hits.

Though likely to be appearing. yet not announced and not from previous iterations:
Frank West Sir Om-nom-nom Bionic Commando The dude from Dark Void
Deadpool
*If you don't get this pun then get the fuck out, nobody cares about your opinion and you cannot call yourself a Resident Evil fan, end of.
Love and Zangief,

Richie X

Are Films Art?

Image
No. They are films. Except documentaries. They are TV shows? Anyway, we're already more than a line into this blog and nobody has looked at the wittle puppy. Look at the widdle puppy! This reminds us, if Nintendo and Capcom carry on this massive love in after Monster Hunter Tri then we we would quietly suggest a Nintendogs:Okamiden Version. Yes we would.
In other news: this list is pretty interesting.
If you are reading this on a feed reader then this is super secret text for you none of the other readers can see this but if they did make Nintenokamiden then they should totally allow bad touching to get the furries buying this sick filth. I'll take a 10% cut of all profits CapTendo. 20% if you allow bad touching. Cheers!

Little King's Story- First Impressions.

Image
Even in the days of hype and over exposure where every screenshot, press release and 'leak' is vivisected and analysed there are still few moments in gaming that match the trepidation of loading up a game for the first time. Our personal ritual is to make sure there are no other distractions for the first spool up. The tea is brewed, the cat is fed, the phone is silenced, the meat is beat so that until we are prompted to press start our full attention is on the first impression of yet another new virtual world. Sometimes, the impression is a bad one, a misstep in the opening FMV, poor design or a hard to navigate menu dramatically drops the expectations. Sometimes games whisk you through the back door the first time you play dumping you straight into the game, a practice which we are always a bit suspicious about, for some people the mantle really does matter as much as the fireplace. Little King's Story had us completely charmed by the time we got to starting the game, th…

Little King's Story Get!

Image
It only took a year but we have finally added (a new copy BTW!) Little King's Story to the collection. We feel really bad for waiting so so long especially considering the tumultuous time that Cing has had recently.
As much as we don't want to bang on about internet gaming peoples inane shouting versus real life gamers it does actually take a whole year on longer to purchase a game. We're old enough to have some disposable cash to feed the gaming bunny but finding the time to play them means it can be months of years before we pick up a title. The reason why we had left it so long because it got unanimously high ratings we assumed it would be easy to pick up when we eventually get round to it on our to play list.
However, this title, widely considered to be one of the best for the Wii, isn't available through GAME online, let alone in stores and we saw a copy of it for £8 at the local supermarket* sandwiched between some of the vilest shovelware that many complain about.…

DEFCON 2!

Image
DEFCON 2 is when we all stop banging on about "what happened to...." and start complaining that "they will ruin it" already.
The Ace RPS has the link with the scoop but it looks like we're probably one step nearer to something Syndicate*.



*Of course, here at Kotaku we tirelessly check all the sources we link to right back to the horse but if it turns out this is some kind of joke then I pity the fool who clearly has no understanding about words like "joke" or "humour". So it says here on your CV that you were the one who started the 2010 Syndicate joke? How does that joke go again? Oh. Yes. That isn't really a joke is it? That's just retarded. No you cannot have a job here and furthermore we'll see to it that you never work in this principality again!

The Casual Gamer cum Sex Addict : Playing is believing

Image
Apparently some classy woman decided to tell the world about her tale of over active lady bits following a Wii fit session that just got too much for her one day.

Amanda Flowers, 24 from Harpurhey fell off her Wii Fit board (presumably on her cunt) and has since developed persistent sexual arousal syndrome from a damaged nerve, or sticky twat for short. As a result of this Amanda Flowers, 24 from Harpuhney is aroused by the slightest of vibrations, from Mobile Phones & Food Processors to Omastar's Seismic Toss.



Amanda Flowers, 24 from Hapurhey had these moving words to say:

"It started as a twinge down below before surging through my body. Sometimes it built up into a trembling orgasm"
"With no cure, I just have to try and control my passion by breathing deeply. Hopefully one day I'll find a superstud that can satisfy me"

Well Amanda, 24 from Hapurhey, If you're ever at TGAM towers and not so large that a Wii Fit board can't hold you, come kn…

Gaming oxymoron of the day-double bonus!

It's the Escapist again with the headline:

"Gears of War 3 Writer is Acclaimed Star Wars Novelist"

In fact, make that a double oxymoron. As if Gears of War has writers and as if a Star Wars Novelist can be acclaimed.

Brothers to the end: Gears of War 3 April 2011 (Updated)

Here's what we know so far:
New Weapons: Sawed off Double-Barrel Shotgun(awesome damage, slow reload), Pendulum Lancer (kick's like a bitch with a nasty blade for executions)4 Player Online Campaign Co-op: Player 1 is Marcus, 2 is Dom, 3 Baird, 4 ColePulp Fictionesque intertwining plot: Players will command other squad's that merge the plot with Delta.Improved Regional filters for less laggy games: Hallefuckinglujah!Refined Cover systemPossible squad command system (Rainbow 6 stylee???)Female characters/Tits: As our anonymous commenter points out, i neglected to mention that Anya makes an appearance in the trailer and will be a playable (presumably online) character. Whether there will be more tits announced later remains to be seen.Released April 2011: FMLĐ

Rock Band Green Day Review

Image
Yeah so the track list was released for this title and we thought we'd do a review.

Gameplay: Outstandingly innovative, the use of the guitar peripherals is revolutionary, never been seen befo........


Ahahahahahaha, sorry I just cant keep a straight blog face... So what do we expect with this new title? 
Well its Rock Band yet again with a Green Day skin. o.0 The track list is... Duh... Green Day. They have a few tracks from Insomniac, Nimrod and Warning and the entire Dookie, American idiot and 21st Century Breakdown (+DLC).

Wait... 21st Century Breakdown you ask? what is that? Well gentle reader it was Green Day's latest 'effort'... And it was:
pants. pants with a frayed waistband. pants with a frayed waistband and brown smears. pants with a frayed waistband, brown smears, and spluff stains with the tag hanging out. pants with a frayed  waistband, brown smears, and someone else's spluff stains with a used tampon as a tag.
So like most of the other Rock Band titles s…

How do you make a sequel to Starcraft?

Basically, keep it the same but have dual wielding then add a number 2 on the end.

Flashpoint: Wangs in Games

Image
Flashpoint™©® is a new communicative medium brought to you by the team behind the TTECNK, Underboob and microfanfics. Flashpoints are flashpoints of discussion on the hottest topics in video gaming today. Flashpoint one is all about the wang.



WANGS IN GAMES
Richie!: Before we start can I just make sure we're not talking cross purposes. This is about penis right?
Cunzy1 1: Yes. This is not about all those people called Wang or with Wang as a surname. This is about the depiction of the schlong in video games.
R: I am basically for them just because, you know there will be a designer who went through 4-7 years of uni just to end up programming foreskin physics.
C: Let's hope there aren't any bugs in the foreskin.... physics. LAME
R: LAME WANG JOKES ALREADY.
C: Lame penis rendering jokes aside I'm against wangs in games because if video games with violence in them cause people to be violent then games with wangs in them....
R: Will make people Chinese?
C: Racist and no. It'll …

Machoke's tits

Image
Monday morning, day off work, belly full of fire to write the shit out of video games. Alternatively, we could blog about Machoke's tits*
Machoke and the Tits In the Pokemon Soul Silver/ Heart Gold sprite for Machoke, it appears there are some breasts. This is fine for female Machoke but it has been observed in the field on males. We think they are supposed to be pectoral muscles but they are a bit too bulgy and there is a definite cleavage. Also, they muffin-top over Machoke's belt suggesting they are more malleable like breasts than firm like muscles.

Reasons for the Wabs on Machoke.There are a number of overlapping hypotheses about the appearance of bresticles on Machoke in Pokemon Soul Silver.
Outside of deviant art Machoke has not had front shirt potatoes anywhere near so pendulous since the original Gold and Silver. You will notice that in the original Silver and Gold sprite there was even a glimpse of neathage, not observable in the new sprite. Perhaps, this new sprite is…