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Showing posts with the label 3333 Cans of Tesco Value Beans

2012 & the lack of quality

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Okay, so we all take review scores with a pinch of salt M'kay? That said it interesting seeing how the world of games with it's bagillions of entries looks when you par each game down to a grade or number and compare them to each other, or platform to platform or year to year. MCV (who definitely did not have a bad year last year) reports on Metacritics analysis of last year and the results chime with how we felt about last year's games.  They were just a bit pants and this is the games that were making the headlines and everyone was talking about. For our personal tastes we hardly picked up any of these titles. Ass Creed still hasn't fixed the flaws that put us off the first and second one and Far Cry seems to be picking up GOTY nominations here there and everywhere by default. Like everyone else Dishonored was good but eerily instantly forgettable. Last year our gaming palettes were gorged with Xenoblade Chronicles (technically a 2011 release for EU), Poke

We PlaYed All ThE NeW Gems

Hey. We've been super busy playing all the new gems out. We bundled them up into this super review right here; 6/10 That's it really. Everything is good enough to function (barely) but there's nothing to set your balls on fire and send us with a G-con in one hand and a prima guide in the other to evangelise about our former hobby. Maybe we've hit the 'magical age', the ludopause, where we realise that actually games are all a little bit silly and most seemed to be aimed at angry American 11 year olds who think shootan' and blood and gore are cool and pretty much the be all and end all of all media. Well media that can be considered acceptable to lie about having played in the playground. 

Marcel on E3

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Wait. You too? How did he?...

Rise of Nightmares

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Remember when we promised content ? Here's some of it. About four years ago we played Rise of Nightmares on the Kinect and on the Xbox 360. We weren't impressed with the Kinect line-up at launch  (still aren't to be honest or happy about subsequent Kinect games) it was a rushed gimmicky effort to try to sway some of the bajillions of people who had played Wii Sports into buying an Xbox 360 and then, presumably get them onto proper games or something. Although games seem to be a low priority for Sony and Microsoft who seem to be fighting to be the all-in-one home media centre of which games is a small part. Then, it turns out that everyone and their dog is doing cool things with a Kinect. Everyone except people who make Kinect games that is.  That would have been absolutely fine an' all except the Kinect games were all a bit pap. Including Rise of Nightmares . Under no circumstances should you play Rise of Nightmares single player. It is an exercise in extreme

In game advertising

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It hasn't happened yet but we remember distinctly being distinctly worried in a very distinct fashion around the time that gaming really took off as there were rumblings of in-game advertising being explored as a thing. We were worried that if advertisers got the keys to our games, they'd end up looking as gaudy as real cities and we'd find ourselves strangely drawn to brands we'd never paid much attention to before. Fortunately, that never really happened. Red Bull got into a couple of games, Wipeout and Judge Dredd: Dredd vs Death . The brand seamlessly sat in the world of Wipeout . Not so much Judge Dredd . From what I can recall instead of making your way around generic docks and warehouses filled with normal crates, you made your way around docks and warehouses filled with Red Bull crates. Other than that I can't recall other adverts for real world brands in games ( Mario Kart has in game billboards, hilariously advertising "green shells" and

Moetry in Potion

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Last time we were all gushy over five Wii games that have re-ignited our passion for games. Today we pick up that blog post, flip her over only to see the puss filled and warty fissures caused by the ingrowing hairs that is average Wiiware games. Just in case you've been a fanboy of other formats up until this second, Wiiware is the Nintendo Wii's downloadable game service. It is a real mixed bag. There are gems and they are the likes of Lit, Maboshi's Arcade, Jet Rockett, Final Fantasy: Subtitle subtitle, Nyx's Quest, Sword and Soldiers, Lost Winds 1 and 2, World of Goo, Art of Balance ... wow now that we start to list them there's quite a few good 'uns and many that put bigger box release games to shame. TO SHAME WITH YOU.  The problem in the past has been that Nintendo (Europe at least) has been fickle in the extreme. The ficklest in fact with allowing players to try Wiiware demos before they buy. Sometimes NoE releasing a dribble of Wiiware demos. S

Gayms Jurnalism

Remember the GMAs? You know the Games Media Awards? Well it is a UK awards thing for people who write about games. one of last year's nominees was Chris Scullion who writes for the Official Nintendo magazine in the category SPECIALIST WRITER PRINT. Sadly he didn't win and presumably he was having an off day in OPM 79 when he writes the following about Dragon Quest X: Also making the decision tricky [about whether to get the Wii or Wii U version] is the fact that, as it's the first RPG [on the Wii] to focus more on online adventuring (much like Monster Hunter Tri)... Is it the first or is it not? Snark snark snark.

Chuff_72 Strikes Again: Infinity Blade 2

Are mobile games any good yet? Are they even proper games? For dinosaur games no definitely not . Chuff_72 continues to look at mobile games and work out if they are any good yet here's his skinny on Infinity Blade 2 .   Infinity Blade 2, in my opinion, is the sequel to Infinity Blade, and it’s a good one.   I'm fairly certain I completed the first game, where *SPOILERS* you defeat the End Boss *END SPOILERS*, however at the start of this one he is not dead, I guess that's standard for an Immortal… I'm not sure why we all thought he was dead, he clearly states he is Immortal a number of times, so yeah, not unexpected. The original ended on a cliff-hanger of sorts, and there was a cool "hidden" ending. This time there is a new random woman, the main guy has gained a name and a voice and then he dies, only to wake up in a metal cave/room, wearing only his pants.   While the game does seem to just chuck you in head first apparently there is a whole n

Omastar Comics #32 Omastar 3D

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3D is great right? Everything is just better in 3D. Including Omastar Comics! Prepare to have your eyes close down knowing that they won't ever see a finer thing after you read this new Omastar Comic. NOW IN 3D. Does not get better than that people makes you think how we ever put up with all those 2D omastar comics right? We might as well call it a day here.

STEEL DIVER

Is a game about submarines. NOT Lesbian Robots OR Robot Lesbians Sadly.

Peripheral Vision

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Is there any other title for a blog post or article even remotely (giggle) related to peripherals? Back in the day, my gamer friends and I would fantasize about displaying our collection of video game stuff in the unlikely event that any of us could afford more than a rabbit hutch house in the future. Amongst an ever changing set up to the inevitable gaming room the wall of peripherals was something we were particularly keen on. It would be a cross between a museum display case and a weapons cache that you see in spy movies showing off all the various peripherals that have been available over the years. Of course the recent industry in producing crap wiimote holders went and ruined the whole thing. However, if it was ever to happen BIG GAME HUNTER 2010 would totally be a justifiable purchase.

New SI Unit approaching!

In the past humanity has got by with descriptions of the passing of time using the seconds, minutes, hours etc. units of time measurement. However, today TGAM is proud to launch a new unit for the measurement of time. It is the TTECNK . Which stands for Time it Takes the Escapist to Copy News from Kotaku. It is pronounced Time it Takes the Escapist to Copy News from Kotaku and is the standard measurement of time it takes writers at the Escapist to copy and paste news articles which Kotaku stole from around the web and to publish them. It is equivalent to 'about six hours' in the previous units used to measure time. Here's some tips on how to use the new unit in conversation: "I haven't seen you in three TTECNK s" "It was a short game it only took me a TTECNK " "She only lasted for 1/20th of a TTECNK before climaxing. And to think I'd waited 2920 TTECNK s for it" That is all.

A special holiday message from Jill Valentine

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To all those people who have just woken up from an 8, 20, 32 or 44 month coma. Here's Jill Valentine wishing you merry christmas! Thanks the internet! Thanks Jill! Next on TGAM! Happy VJ day and welcome to the 21st Century for those who have had comas for a very long time.

This shit is real (probably)

Silly daily mail . Although by googling "daily mail al qaeda" I fear I am now on some kind of to be watched list. See what I do for you reader?

Would you like to play a game

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So instead of the normal whinging about games as if we played games (we just play Resident Evil 2 over and over again). This bank holiday meant that I had some pretty full on game time. Heres some reviews for the usual reasons; 1) Dynasty Warriors 6 Unbelievably, significantly worse than Dynasty Warriors 3. 2) Haze. Imagine Half Life on the PC set in the jungle from the original Crash Bandicoot with a sprinkling of AI taken from Marvel Super Heroes. From now on, Free Radical did nothing after TS2 in our eyes. They went under and will be missed. 3) Zack & Wiki. Genuinely very good, beyond our normal Capcom bias, actually very very good. Wii owners please stop buying shovelware and pick this up. Ya? 4) Endless Ocean. Game of the decade. 100/10. Deadly serious. 5) Devil May Cry 4. Yeah, well I used to be a fan of DMC. Too much annoying capcom checkpoint saving annoyingness. :( 6) Grand Theft Auto IV. Life draining, fun but a bit bland? 7) Resident Evil Umbrella Chro

Everyone has AIDS

Stupid gamers. Stupid stupid gamers. Nobody cares about anything you think is important so stop wasting the internet filling it up with trite and pseudo-intellectual bullshit like you are debating the future of the human race. Like masturbation, building cathedrals out of matchsticks, and knifing grannies, gaming is a hobby. Some people enjoy it, others don't. the difference being that most other hobbyists don't obsess about it to such a horrifying degree There's a lot of "debate" at the moment around video games here they are all summed up and solved by yours truly hopefully freeing up the internet for some more hand drawn Tifa porn pictures. Games need stories. By far the most popular whinge by game developers themselves. However, here is the lowdown;No they don't. Game makers want to be wanked off by the film and movie critics and the only way to do that is to make your game arty and cinematic and wanky. A film gets released and there are glamorous

Ode to medipack (Vagina)*

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Medipack or is it Medi-pack? You make no sense How do you work? You save my life often but you could never work in real life Medipack or is it Medi-Pack? Sometimes you have a red cross Sometimes green Sometimes you come in three sizes but surely it would be better for everyone if you just came in large size Medipack or is it Medi-Pack? Sometimes you are a potion Sometimes you are a herb Sometimes you are a food stuff like milk or apples Medipack what is in you to give life? To cure all wounds by merely standing on you Or sometimes going into the inventory and selecting "use" Is it majicks? I think it is. *In my travels in Hoenn I wrote this ode as a sister ode to the classic An Ode to Spuddy . I was inspired by studying the Clamperl on Route 124.

Tomato Juice and Black Umbrella

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Sup maniacs? We were at GDC and we've had precious little blogging time so here's a brief catch up in the form of a numbered list: 1) The Guiness World Records: Gamer's Edition is now out (already reduced by 33% in many shops) and it is worth picking up in the future when it is somewhere around the £5 mark. Packed with a lot of tenuous records and inaccuracies but it's worth ignoring the blindingly obvious mistakes (Resident Evil 2 and Resident Evil 3 are not PlayStation2 games, why didn't anyone consult us?) to discover some lesser known gaming related gems. So for example, did you know that David Lynch directed the PS2 'Third Place' adverts? Or that the PSOne could connect to a number of Sony mobile phones? I don't know what they could do when they were connected but you could do it. In Japan. 2) Both myself and Richie have had our IPs banned from the Resident Evil Wiki for trying to add the articles "Jill Sammich" and "That G

Can you do it Rebecca?

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Nothing happening in games for the whole of January I'm afraid. Today's post is for those time travelling from 1996* IT'S FUNNY AND TOPICAL NO? *Why have you travelled 12 years into the future to "surf the net"? Do you still use "surf the net" as a phrase? Oh well, since you made the effort, put money on Princess Diana dying in France. It'll pay off.

Ironic game of the year 2007 even though it was released in 2006 and it is now 2008

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It's Tanks! from Wii play. It's the greatest game of all time. The best multiplayer experience since the original Half Life. It has everything. Tanks, trumpet noises, wood, wouldn't, mines etc. Just play it with a friend and you'll be playing for the rest of your life, endorphins dripping from every orifice. It's the game WoW should have been, it's what all the Zelda games have been aspiring to. It's the darkest survival horror game since the Net Yaroze classic Haunted Maze. It's faster than Wipeout, longer than all the Final Fantasy games put together. It's more tactical than Advance wars and Kurushi put together. It's more addictive than the PlayStation version of Hidden and Dangerous. It's more stealthy than the-as-yet-unreleased Metal Gear Solid: Ultimate sneaky sneaky time. 10/10, five stars, five thumbs up, TGAM official gold seal of approval. Maximum out of any positive rating system ever . We're serious about this kids. Deadly