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Alan Wake- This is not the Silent Hill you are looking for?

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We managed to get our grubby mitts on awfully named Alan Wake this wochenende. Suffice to say we agree almost perfectly with unreliable Eurogamer's Eleanor Guitar. We almost agree except Mr Wake's constant auto-narrating grated on us even more. The game plays almost like how Silent Hill the movie watches. In our mind he also looks a lot like Lucas not Lucas the other one from Indigo Prophecy 2 so all we really wanted to do was press X to Jason . To be fair, we didn't really press X to Jason much when we played Fahrenheit 2/11. Instead we used the time to check out hot mall chicks. We don't really do malls over here so checking out hot mall chicks was a first for us. It was a double first because when we played Indigo Prophecy 2 we were role-playing Lucas Lucas not Lucas as a transvestite so we were actually lesbian scoping for chicks instead of looking for our son. Bored already? Here's a screenshot from Alan Hill, William Hill's brother. At this point in

BREAKING NEWS FROM THE ESCAPIST

High School Student Uses Gameboy To Create Fake Bomb Think that's neat? I just used a sharpener to create a fake bomb. I just used a credit card to create a fake bomb. I just used my fingers and a mouth noise to create a fake gun. In fact I just this second used a pen and my keys to create a fake fourty foot mechanic titan capable of destroying civilization with nothing but happy thoughts. Sometimes. Just sometimes. I think that the gaming "news" sites stretch the definitions of 'gaming' and 'news'. Have you created a fake something recently?

Metroid Prime 3 A REVIEW OF SORTS Part 1

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Dear all. We have only just finished Metroid Prime 3: Corruption but before snarky web morons laugh out loud and then point out that it took us three years to complete a game, we would like to qualify that it took us 22 hours actually. We had other stuff to do between 2007 and now. The Other Stuff We Did Didn't spend all our time on Internet forums complaining about how we might have to dust off our Wii because we play every single game that comes out to completion in about two days because we are school-aged losers who have no other life to speak of. Competitive sports. The manly ones. Talking about cars. We like the ones with alloys on the pistons. Trying to get platinum medals for everything on Timesplitters Future Perfect even though officially we pretend the series stopped at 2. Emailing Penny Arcade monthly or so with various ruses. They are either so cunning they see through our excellent ruses or they don't read 90% of the shit most people send them. Lying to our younge

FIRST IMPRESSIONS DON'T MATTER*

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Lightning: We have to stop the Zaffels. A Man Who is Whack: Are you sure? Lightning: .... Whack Man: But I thought you were Pincelplips Lightning: I guess we were all along Whack Man: Quick. Get to Hope. Four inches down a corridor later. Hope: Where is lightning? I always hated it since the Pandforma days. Whack Man: I'd like to submit an edict regarding the use of nouns for names. Lightning: Hope! Did you ride the Vangle Goolies lightning? Hope: Hopefully not Lightning. Lightning: I meant lightning not Lightning. lightning: Zzzzzap. A CHOCOBO CALLED CHOCOBO COMES FROM WHACK MAN'S HAIR Hope: Let's get a slave. Apparently, after twenty hours of this, the game gets 'good'. *Perhaps Square should have waited for the science to have been double checked on this one.

Battalion Wars 2

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In a frantic attempt to work our way through the highlights of the Wii back catalogue before the deluge of SMG2, Metroid Other M, No More Heroes 2 and other sequels further off on the horizon we picked up a copy of Battalion Wars 2 for a measly £7.99! Yes it was second hand but it was sold out first hand in my three go-to places. I will support your creativity if you fucking let me at my convenience. Sorry guys but thats commercialism for ya! Battalion Wars 2 is very good and for us it itches the spot that has gone un-itched since the good ol' Starcraft days. You know, schoolboy football with loveable tanks and grunts and ships and stuff. Playing it also reminded us of another one of our all time favourites, Giants: Citizen Kabuto. Play time is dwindling in the single figures and sadly progress on the campaign is already up to 20% (:() but already we're hooked, especially on the online modes which had us cursing the day various anonymooses were born. Also, on a plural personal

Lost Planet 2, following the "Hype" machine

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Lost Planet 2 is out soon, and Capcom are trying really hard to make some hype about it. I have been following it a little bit for a while now, mainly because I saw the trailer with the mighty Sir Om-nom-nom ages ago. I played the Lost Planet Demo and I was ultimately underwhelmed, it played like an inferior Gears of War with grappling ropes. However that doesn't mean LP2 wont add more to the franchise, which ius why  I'm not writing to disparage the game itself. I'm just really disappointed with the hype the game has attempted to generate. They dropped some merchandise in ice in 8 cities in America. That's it, not much more to say, some people got them. They now own some merchandise and a beta code for online...  Now I read a few things about the plot of Lost Planet, and I want to like it, futuristic sci-fi set on a terra-forming ice planet, yet this planet has a mystery... ooooh. But not may people seem to care, Time for some Thatguys Market res

Capcom DRM: Where is the apology?

Numerous sites ran with the news today that Capcom forgot to inform players that in order to play Final Fight: Double Impact, players had to be online all the time. They apologised for not telling players about the DRM . However, at the time of writing Capcom have still not apologised for the existence of the Game itself yet. TGAM Editor in Heels, Richie Richards had the following to say: "The world really didn't need either of these games the first time around. This reboot is totally redundant. It would be like releasing Megaman 10 for fuck's sake." TGAM Pilot First Rank, Doppelganger chimed in with: "Great. More middle of the road games. I can barely tolerate to think of the days I used to get excited about games anymore. I hope someone somewhere is genuinely excited to see these games again" This blog, once upon a time a single Capcom IP fan site of sorts, is sad to see Capcom joins the long list of those failing to apologise for their decidel