That guy's a Maniac...

Introducing the SaSi... This ingenious piece of tech is due in stores very soon. How does it differ from every other sex toy out there? Well for starters it retails for £225, but don't let that put you off, Lets see what you get for £225: From the manufacturer website Je Joue : SaSi is the ultimate, customisable vibrator. Using the latest Sensual Intelligence technology, SaSi is uniquely intuitive. It learns and remembers exactly what you like, giving you the perfect, intense sensual massage every time. Fantastic for partner foreplay or solo massage Splashproof, non-porous and bacteria resilient Removable covers made from phthalate and latex-free medical grade silicone, using the newly patented SMITEN membrane technology Fully customisable with fascias available in different colours. Rechargeable Beautifully packaged ideal as a gift A smooth, rounded head undulates under a thin, silky cover, creating a soft kneading sensation that can be customized by adjusting m

Back by popular demand. Unfortunately, due to the Hollywood Writer's Strike, Omastar wrote this one himself. As you can see it's not the greatest of adventures. EXCLUSIVE REVIEW OF OMASTAR COMICS 18. They're just cranking them out now. It used to have a plot but now it's just like Lost. 4/10.

We got a reply!! Which will go down in TGAM history because no one normally replies to our open letters. Here it all is: Hi Cunzy1 1, or whoever. Thanks for your email. I always appreciate it when somebody takes the time and effort to contact us, as you have done, regardless of your opinion. Thank you also for continually buying the magazines. Your loyalty pays our wages and funds our passion. Thanks for your points and the detail of your email. All criticism is taken on board. It's kind of flattering to see that you're 'onto us hacks'. It's always nice to hear that people actually read the words and don't just look at the pretty pictures. I look forward to reading further analysis of the magazine, should you see fit to provide it. Lastly, let me reassert the point that I/we really appreciate the fact that you continually buy the magazine despite thinking it's far from the standards needed to satiate your refined gaming ideals. Have a great Bank Holiday, Cha

Aussieman: So I'm really tired today. I was up till four last night playing GTAIV. Aussieman's friend: Oh yeah? Any good? Aussieman: Well it isn't as good as Gears but maybe I haven't played it enough yet. Aussieman's friend: I used to play Vice city on my housemates PS2. It was sweet. Aussieman: Yeah well it's okay but there was another game on the 360 that was much better. The graphics were smoother and the story was better. No one I know has ever played it though so.. Aussieman's friend: What game was that? Aussieman: Saint's Row. O-o. So yeah GTAIV. I had a bit of a throw down with it the other day. It's good but as you are pissing around you know that this game is huge and you start to feel a bit scared and overwhelmed. The side missions, cheevos, hidden packages? and silly easter eggs. But as Aussieman shows maybe GTAIV isn't such a big thing for the casual gamer. Oh well time will tell but at least someone may notice when Saints Row 2 com

ANIMAL CROSSING WILD WORLD REVIEW For Nintendo DS Animal Crossing isn't a game. It's a career. A vocation, a mini alternative life. You could educate a child with it and it would turn out OK. It teaches you everything you need to know about the real world. It teaches you the importance of money, shows you the true value of patience, punishes you for lying, and when characters move out of your town it's an important lesson about the harsh realities of bereavement in adult life. Bunnie is gone, Timothy, she's gone to another town very far away and she's never coming back. It's not a game, it's a job. You HAVE to collect your fruit to begin with, else you can't afford the cool furniture. You HAVE to keep fishing, else you might miss a rare fish. You HAVE to collect all the fossils, fish and insects because something cool might happen when you do. Animal Crossing uses an enhanced version of the COLLECTEVERYTHING(TM) engine that Nintendogs used. I

Dear Chandra, or whoever. I won't say I'm a fan of ONM but I am a regular buyer as the free gifts are sometimes good and you do get the lowdown on games that your Future Publishing colleagues gloss over because they have real games to review like GTA and Dead Rising. In addition I have been diagnosed with the deliberating ( UPDATE: I totally meant deliberating and not debillitating ) condition GFP (Gay for Pokemon). Sadly this means that I often pick up a copy of your magazine. Monthly your magazine offends me. You seem to be stuck in a 1990s time warp where you OMG! in the magazine when you get a female member of staff and you think that comments about your hair and staff member's real lives are of interest to the reader. Frankly I don't care if Chris or Martin or some other office monkey is looking after a new born baby. Furthermore you really have to stop making captions about curries every time you use a screenshot with fire coming out of a characters mouth or anus.

Sooo, Kotaku have posted this... The analysts at DFC Intelligence have gazed into the crystal ball to receive word from the future of the European console war and the news is somewhat of a downer for Sony. But it's far worse for Microsoft. A new report calls for "strong" sales of the PlayStation 3 but that Sony should expect to lose a "big chunk" of the PS2 install base. Wii is expected to dominate, but won't move software like the PS3 may. The analyzing wizards at DFC see an Xbox future filled with doom and gloom, with the 360 "continuing to struggle" in Europe, despite UK acceptance. They have better news for the Euro industry as a whole, with 2008 expected "to break all kinds of sales records." And they all lived happily ever after. The end. "Release the GEGH!!!! DFC Intelligence. Perhaps the three letters stand for ‘Donthavea Fucking Clue’. Similarly, I’d wager the ‘Intelligence’ part comes filed under ‘oxymoron’. FROM HE

As if Adding Yoda and Vader wasn't geeky enough! Check this Shit... Yoshimitsu has an Ammonite on his flag :D Ammonites in popular culture include: Omastar Omanyte Luv n' hugs, Richie

As ever, Yahtzee Croshaw delivers yet another enjoyable zero punctuation *. This time it's super smash brothers brawl. However, it's obvious from the review that he struggles with the control system. Now, we aren't haters here but people who can't play SSBB? We're no experts ourselves and in fact the antipenultimate time the maniacs met up Richie and I didn't enjoy getting double-team-violated by Fox and Falco up against the Great Fox. :( Still. Yahtzee loses some of his cool points because he can't work out the controls. It's not rocket science and it is the third iteration. He tries to cover his noobishness with layers of fanboy baiting and talk about "friends" and "multiplayer situations" but he has exposed a weakness. In fact he even comes across as a bit girly (not racist-girly like Anne Diamond's game reviews girly ) and this is coming from a PC gamer so he should be used to retarded controls. And games. And PC gamer

What happens when evolutionary selection becomes all but redundant in a species but at the same time boys no longer grow up to be men? This happens Seriously, next they'll have to be told which hole to put it into. Expect a DS version later this year so that geeks can pick up on the fly.

Soooo GTA4 then? Might as well get this review out of the way before it “officially” comes out on Tuesday. So for today’s review we are going to set it out in a classic divvied up review with each section out of ten. Section 1. Gameplay. Well this one is quite easy, have you played GTA3, VC, SA? It’s pretty much the same: run, shoot, drive. Except this time they have added some spanky tweaks, including GPS system, a better aiming system, and being able to hide behind cover. There isn’t much wrong with the GTA formulae, it’s non-stop fun and they have not strayed away from this standard. Score: 9/10. Good to see GTA back again, with so many sandbox rip-offs its good to go back to the roots, new and improved roots at that. Section 2. Graphics . Graphics eh? I honestly don’t know how to approach this one… I have always had gripes with GTA’s (rockstar’s?) graphics. I remember when San Andreas was out on the PS2 and everyone was banging on about how great it looked, but

Ha! YAAAAS "IcanhasGTA4?" Yes I can! kkthxbye

Right so, I tried logging on to Xbox Live last night, but couldn't as, I have got a new credit card since then... So I check my mail: and I have this in my inbox: To update your credit card information: 1. Select your gamer card. 2. Select Account Management . 3. Select Memberships . 4. Select the membership you want to update. For more info, go to www.xbox.com/support or call Xbox Customer Support at 0800 587 1102. If you have already resolved this issue, please disregard this notice and accept our thanks. Thank you for using Microsoft Online Services. The Xbox Live team. FAIL at step 2.!! The moment you select Account management, it then says "you must be signed in to Xbox live", -.- Caught in a viscous circle where Microsoft wont let me give them my money... To be honest, I'm not actu

...isn't all pointless shit. Some of it is cool pointless shit. Yeah so Wow was so a year ago and even Portal is starting to get old. Just you wait. GTA IV is gonna land and you won't ever have to hear that cake song again! WoW Videos Congrats to BaronSoosdon. Oh and also, if you've got time to waste Halolz is GOLD at the moment.

Aye well! Fuck the Canadians, Lets get the UK back on track! Everyone please sign up here! http://petitions.pm.gov.uk/ukgames/ Love 'n' hugs, Richie

Could it be? Has he? All those years of research which is hampered by underwater labspaces? It all paid off? Wow! Things will never be the same again. That. Is for sure.

It's just rumours or whatever but if it ain't. Fuck off you money wringing wankers. What's wrong? do you not already have enough money? How about stop pissing about with a new DS and get some decent franchises on the DS instead of all that awful animated film tie in shit that literally fills the shelves of GAME and spills out onto the street knocking over frail Grannies and blocking traffic. By decent franchises I very specifically mean: Resident Evil 2 Yes "it" isn't a franchise. But it is. Just pay Capcom all that money you are sitting on and stop making crappy Mario, Zelda and Metroid games that no one even likes or remembers and get them to remake, no reimagine, Resident Evil 2 and make it 140000 player co-op online, no friends codes or stars instead of other players and all that crap that prevents losers like us from actually playing online. Oh and don't mess around with Mp3s and SD cards and all that crap that only "homebrew boys" and gadge

Yes, perhaps it is better than even Dead Fantasy I and II ! This is what gaming TV should be like. Kudos for anyone who can name everyone in this semi- who's who of British videogames before the credits roll.....

Boo hoo hoo. Boo hoo hoo. Waaaaaah waaah a boo hoo hooo. That's all we ever hear from you. Boo hoo hoo Blizzard hates my class. Waaaah waaah waaah Capcom won't respond to my letters. Boody hoo hoo "they" ruined Star Wars Galaxies. Yes it's pathetic but fortunately it's mostly from the PC gamers. Until now... Since the release of Mario Kart Wii a number of sources have complained about the return of the blue shell. Even EDGE which usually flounces above such gamer whining, whines about it ( Mario Kart Wii 6/10 ). Well you know what? The MBA s at That guy' s a maniac, the Second Greatest Video Game Blog of all time , have voted it the most bestest amazing pick up of all time. Read that last sentence again. Not just videogame pick ups. ALL pick ups. Be it pick up lines, picking up a prostitute or a pick up truck, the blue shell beats them all hands down. Here's what the Master blog artists had to say: "It is our generations great leveller. O

9/10 - "Good enough to consider getting a Wii for."

It looks like the Resident Evil 5 racism issues is back on the agenda but this time from someone who, you know, has actually played a game, any game but also all of the Resident Evil games. The piece makes for some thought provoking reading but here at TGAM we've been concerned about the racism from Resident Evil 1 onwards. No one would listen to use before but now that the issue is under the spotlight here's a republished blog we did way back in 1998. Still relevant dontcha think? Totally tl;dr Oh and if you still haven't played it, SPOILERS. After playing through Resident Evil 1 on the PlayStation I was like, “Mental, clearly not a single scientist worked on this game.” Because I wonder if Capcom isn't some kind of anti science organisation. I wasn't offended that there were scientist zombies, still adorned with lab coats and the such but there was a lot of locations and text that cam straight from the anti science movement. But what was sort of poignant is that

Dear Team 17 Please just stop it. Please. You are embarassing yourself and the former glory of the Worms franchise. How many iterations are there now? 15? 16? Don't get us wrong the first one was great. We spent hours playing it and the recent revamped versions have been okay but please innovate or move on. Are you happy with the consistent " 6-7/10 more of the same " reviews. Shake the series up a bit. I haven't purchased a worms game since the PlayStation release because every single one of the new ones feels so similar that I'm content to dust off the PS2 to play the original should I want to. Hogs of War was amazing why don't you do something like that but better? Oh and Worms 3D doesn't count at all. Why wasn't the last DS one online? Why don't you do clever things with the stats and camera angles and playbacks? International tournaments or something? How many people do you employ to do the same game over and over again. Wikipedia tells me 75.

Back by popular demand. From the brink of selling his body to feed his children we bring out Omastar to perform for your viewing pleasure in these dark dark times. Oh that Omastar. What a gook. In other news: No gaming news. It's April for god's sake.

Ugh, so I was playing Rainbow Six: Vegas 2 (Terrorist Hunt) the other day as I was playing it I was finding myself more and more frustrated about the positioning of the analogue sticks on the 360 controller. To the point where I decided to have a look into third party controllers that have the analogue sticks in the "correct" positions. But to no avail. It seems as though the entire gaming community has become enamoured with the layout of the 360 joypad. I found myself (dual)shocked by this, the Playstation controller is staple in my mind, I'm pretty sure when I die and rigor mortis sets in my hands will clamp up on my chest in the exact position to hold a Dualshock 2. Yeah, so I was (dual)shocked that there were no Madcatz, or whatever third party controllers, that had decided rip off the Dualshock design and create a controller for the 360. I even went as far as to check if there were some crazy mod sites out there that maybe did it, then I find that thay have actual

I fucking knew it. I'm really not happy. Mario Kart (Due Friday) will not have full functionality with the Gamecube controller. Apparently "mid air" moves wont be 100% emulated when using a "proper" controller. Fuck you Wii-mote

We're talking away. I don't know what I'm to say. I'll say it anyway. Today's another day to find you. Shying away. I'll be coming for your love, OK? Take on me, take me on. I'll be gone. In a day or two. So needless to say. I'm odds and ends. But that's me stumbling away. Slowly learning that life is OK. Say after me "It's no better to be safe than sorry". Take on me, take me on. I'll be gone. In a day or two Oh the things that you say. Is it life or just a play my worries away. You're all the things I've got to remember. You're shying awayI'll be coming for you anyway. Take on me, take me onI'll be goneIn a day or two 8/10. Worth a purchase!

Nintendo are allegedly very displeased.

I kid you not. I saw this as the name of a forum thread. Why do gamers (those who can get beyond platform hating or rating Youtube videos with slur) insist on making top tens of completely subjective matters. Is it to out-I-know-more-stuff-about-games each other? Or are gamers so emotionally and creatively retarded that they struggle if they aren't creating a top ten list? Idiots all of you. Check EDGE's Online Offline selection in their letter pages for the worst kind of wankery and whinging. Here they are: 1) The second loading screen on Medal of Honour Rising Sun. After the initial loading screen, when the bar pops up and fills up. The game doesn't load until a minute after the bar fills up though. Amazing. 2) When the install wizard for Darwinia comes up. So many gamers I know love this classic sequence. 3) The first time the pause screen comes up on Tetris. Ohhh shit! 4) When you first mix the yellow herb in Resident Evil 4 and you get the little mixed herb image. Oh

Yes we (I) did. If it's all part of LEGO's masterplan to get 20 somethings who grew up with lego to use their now disposable income to buy more LEGO after their Dad threw away all the original old LEGO whilst they we were away at "university" then it is working. Here's the story: I picked up a copy of Lego Star Wars II the other day. It was cheap in Morrisons and it was kind of my birthday (in a few days anyway) so I thought I would treat myself. I have the original one and seeing as we're not proper gamers here at Thatgirls anymore (thanks Giant Lego Hamstring Enemy) I wanted something to play to make me feel like I was being an accomplished gamer. Spontaneous review based on the first four levels: It's good. What you expect although the cantina could be more populated, especially with the old save characters. Also, it would have been nice to walk around the hub as your custom character but whatever it has multiplayer without having to go online,

Watch: And watch some more: Now sit back, slightly hollow inside, knowing that you will probably never see anything more awesome in your life ever.

So what? We get lots of letters. But this one was written properly and all thought out and stuff so it would be rude not to reply no? Plus it was from a girl. Catherine Martin writes to thatguys: Do games have a moral obligation to be politically sensitive? In recent months we have seen a handful of games clumsily attempt a politically savvy narative and blunder into every stereotypical pitfall they could. Now, however, games are about to breach an almost untouched setting: Africa. Both Far Cry 2 and Resident Evil 5 have chosen this setting as an environment in which to destroy countless hordes of digital natives. More importantly, however, their plots are likely to involve the distribution and flow of medicines in the area. Here I am making a slightly educated guess about the plot of Resident Evil 5, but the evil drug company Umbrella and its infamous T-virus are bound to crop up somewhere. These are controversial and current issues surrounding the African nations as warlords illegall

Listen. Learn.

Played it on the Gamecube: Check. Played it on the PS2: Check. Played it on the Wii: Check. Played it on the 360... Nope, looks like I have some cheevos to get this time round... As great as all this is... Where is my RE2 remake? P.S. This is possibly an April fools photoshop, but I don't think it is that unlikely.

Check those pits! Cammy is the choice of the axillophiles! Take note, Evangeline Lilly, Mohinder, and all you other HD TV wonders that don't believe in a proper skin care routine.

I’m coining it here, right now, mark this day, it’s “Blog Artist”. Now this doesn’t mean some dude that creates “art” (graphics) for a blog. It is the art of blogging. One who has blogging to a fine art. I considered shortening this to Blogists, or artiloggers however this cheapens the quality to which blog artists aspire too. The best way to define this new class of bloggers is to use analogy to rock pop culture: Rockers, can dress the part, listen to all the music, and quote trivia on their favourite bands. However to be considered an Artiste you mush have talent and create. May I introduce to you the first two Blog artists ever: Richie! Cunzy11 Luv n Hugs.

“Hey Richie, you know how you were bigging up Devil may cry 4, and even managed to get it early? How come you only have 3 Cheevements and are only at mission 8?” Good question. And to be honest it’s a culmination of many things: Firstly my X-box was constantly Dirty Disking the game, I was getting 15 mins of playtime, and was reduced to saving after each red orb. This has now been rectified as I have upgraded to an X-box elite. Secondly Katamari has been a big hit, don’t get me wrong I still <3 Dante, but that Katamari rolling game is stupidly fun to play as each level is timed, most of them being around 2 mins. As such I got 450 cheevements from some “casual” gaming. And lastly*… and the main point of my post. I think I approached Devil may cry from completely the wrong angle, I found myself desperately struggling to work out the most efficient achievement based route through the game, trying to make my first playthrough as fruitful as possible… Gamerscore-whore. I’m far from an ep

So Google is telling me it is St. Patrick's day either today, yesterday, tomorrow or this week sometime. St. Patrick's day is a day when the English get excited because for the lower classes it's an excuse to get special on Guinness and vomit on a car because we're not allowed to celebrate St.George's day because any kind of patriotism is racist these days. So in honour we're going to remember some of our favourite Irish gamers: 1) Keith "no saves" Blarney Ne'er before or since Keith "no saves" has the world experienced a gamer so committed to busting games without saving. One time we were interviewing Keith at PAX and he ate a GBA in rage because someone was auto- saving in the booth next to him. Alas, Keith passed away in 2005 after four days straight of playing GTA San Andreas. He leaves behind a widow, two children and an unused PlayStation Memory Card we imagine he received from a well intending Grandma one Christmas. 2) Kieran

What with being listed as an "industry link" over on RAMRAIDER and now knowing** the top Geometry Wars Galaxy player in the world surely this is the year of the maniac. And look!, Games Media Awards people, no ads so perhaps we should win the Best Commercial Non-Commercial Commercial Website Or Blog this year yeah? Yeah? Then we can finally give up our jobs packing battery chickens and write posts about Resident Evil full time! So without further ado, congratulations to DR Hamhock MD who by now must have been signed by Nintendo and is currently developing a Dr Hamhock limited edition Wiimote holder and/or DS stylus for mass release. Well done, you made it son*****, you made it. * By we I mean me. Cunzy1 1. Richie left the blog about two years ago and since then I've been dressing up as her and doing posts about dildonics and naruto. That was until Claire interrupted me when I had the Richie wig on and was posing in the mirror talking in a Scottish accent. I went

Yeah I made a post! But I hid it all the way back in time if you can believe it! This is the screenshot competition for my friends I lost to WAR . The competition was simple, submit some screenshots of WAR that include the usual MMORPG silly elements such as 'chicken', 'sheep', 'awful clipping' or dinosaurs. You, know the shots the company would never use to promote the game itself. The competition lasts as long as I say it does. Currently we have three submissions, the artists names have been changed to hide their real identities. 1) 'Horned Squig' by Wowcansuckmyballs The first submission and the most thoughtful it screams realism and I think the artist intended it as a criticism of the tuna and sweetcorn sandwich combination. 200 points . 2) "Still life" by I'msowhackyIputjaminmyshoes This submission truly captures the lonely nature of MMORPGs 24.5 points 3) DINOSAURS BY AWESOME DUDE And you still wonder why people lo

Medipack or is it Medi-pack? You make no sense How do you work? You save my life often but you could never work in real life Medipack or is it Medi-Pack? Sometimes you have a red cross Sometimes green Sometimes you come in three sizes but surely it would be better for everyone if you just came in large size Medipack or is it Medi-Pack? Sometimes you are a potion Sometimes you are a herb Sometimes you are a food stuff like milk or apples Medipack what is in you to give life? To cure all wounds by merely standing on you Or sometimes going into the inventory and selecting "use" Is it majicks? I think it is. *In my travels in Hoenn I wrote this ode as a sister ode to the classic An Ode to Spuddy . I was inspired by studying the Clamperl on Route 124.