Posts

Showing posts with the label nodinosaurs:(

Depression

Image
NOT A LOT GOING ON IN GAMING FOLKS. There's all that sexism rubbish which might be worth discussing were the internet version of the gaming community not a multiheaded siren screaming inanity. E3 failed to get anyone hyped about anything (those few people pretending that smartglass is a thing are clutching at straws). But don't worry kids! It isn't all:
AND Umm. Well it might be. We hadn't thought past the joke. Quick look, a Final Fantasy VII rerelease...
Phew that was close.

Flashpoint: Wangs in Games

Image
Flashpoint™©® is a new communicative medium brought to you by the team behind the TTECNK, Underboob and microfanfics. Flashpoints are flashpoints of discussion on the hottest topics in video gaming today. Flashpoint one is all about the wang.



WANGS IN GAMES
Richie!: Before we start can I just make sure we're not talking cross purposes. This is about penis right?
Cunzy1 1: Yes. This is not about all those people called Wang or with Wang as a surname. This is about the depiction of the schlong in video games.
R: I am basically for them just because, you know there will be a designer who went through 4-7 years of uni just to end up programming foreskin physics.
C: Let's hope there aren't any bugs in the foreskin.... physics. LAME
R: LAME WANG JOKES ALREADY.
C: Lame penis rendering jokes aside I'm against wangs in games because if video games with violence in them cause people to be violent then games with wangs in them....
R: Will make people Chinese?
C: Racist and no. It'll …

DJ Hero peripherals announced!

Following in the footsteps of non-game series Guitar Hero, now on it's 16th iteration, and Rock Band (are we on 4? 5? nobody cares), the upcoming DJ Hero is also keen to milk the shit out of mainstream non gamers with these three peripherals so you can play with your mates:

DJ Hero Dex- Estimated Retail Price $140 pounds.
This killer dex will show how truly easy the job of a DJ is. Just put on a compilation CD and watch the game play itself. In the meantime you can feel up some jailbait who is on an AK trip.

DJ Hero Manbag- Estimated Retail price 54 euros.
Show off to all your friends how much of a super underground artisan you are with this mass produced man/record bag available at any shitty independent music shop that still sells vinyl. Customise it with up to four slots for anti war and graffiti inspired badges.

DJ Hero Beanie- Estimated Retail price £30.
Look like a youth knob at and away from the console! Has three slots for official DJ Hero 'ironic goth message badges' so…

My Brute. Challenge us, or you are gay...

Image
So in our random fumblings in the vast soiled panties that is the internet, we stumbled across "My Brute" where you create a little fighting character where random features and stats are created by the name you enter.

Anyways this is a shameless shout-out to all the readers/haters/random-perverts-looking-for-Sheeva-nude to follow the link below and help the thatguys brute level up, follow the link below to become our pupil, and well... beat us up.

http://thatguys.mybrute.com/

Luv n HugZ

Richie XXX

Have you played as the monkey yet?

Image
Oh dear, rumours abound that Free Radical might be in trouble. Pre-2005 us are very sad indeed. This could be the saddest news ever.

But that is only because we haven't heard this news yet, which in late 2008, will make us kill ourselves. Truer words are not written anywhere else.

Post-2005 us will be holding a fourteen day party to celebrate, if the rumours are confirmed. The whole world is invited and we'll be burning copies of Timesplitters: Future Perfect and Haze and getting high and then getting dead on noxious fumes.

The Facebook page for this party is up so feel free to bring yourself and all the chav kids from the bloc to ruin our house and stab each other so we can be on TV in a filler spot on BBCNews 24, in between the news about how to save money on mince pies and more news about the end of the world.

Yes! TEKKEN 6

Image
Hi guys! We're going to take time out of our regularly updated TGAM top 50 ultimate TGAM top games best list of best games of all time ever to bring you this very very exciting news:



It's bifs again! But not just bifs filth seekers it's Tekken 6 bifs. Tekken is a great game and for those young 'uns who don't remember it here is how the series went:

Tekken 2: The series was so crazy it didn't even start at 1! Tekken 2 was a mashup of your favourite childhood toys, Lego, and your favourite beat em 'up game, Street Fighter. But it was better than Street Fighter because there was no fighting! There was never any contact, contestants just hit each other with neon fireworks until one of them gets tired or something. It was successful and on the PlayStation. Not even the PSOne yet!

Tekken 3: This was Tekken 2 but with a cheaty character introduced to the series.

Tekken 4: See Tekken 2.

Tekken 5: See Tekken 3.

Tekken 6: See Tekken 5 plus "sweat". Lots of …

Editor of ONM replies! Is smug.

We got a reply!! Which will go down in TGAM history because no one normally replies to our open letters. Here it all is:

Hi Cunzy1 1, or whoever.

Thanks for your email. I always appreciate it when somebody takes the time and effort to contact us, as you have done, regardless of your opinion.
Thank you also for continually buying the magazines. Your loyalty pays our wages and funds our passion.

Thanks for your points and the detail of your email. All criticism is taken on board.
It's kind of flattering to see that you're 'onto us hacks'. It's always nice to hear that people actually read the words and don't just look at the pretty pictures. I look forward to reading further analysis of the magazine, should you see fit to provide it.

Lastly, let me reassert the point that I/we really appreciate the fact that you continually buy the magazine despite thinking it's far from the standards needed to satiate your refined gaming ideals.

Have a great Bank Holiday,

Chan


Yes, …

Overheard on the tube....

Aussieman: So I'm really tired today. I was up till four last night playing GTAIV.
Aussieman's friend: Oh yeah? Any good?
Aussieman: Well it isn't as good as Gears but maybe I haven't played it enough yet.
Aussieman's friend: I used to play Vice city on my housemates PS2. It was sweet.
Aussieman: Yeah well it's okay but there was another game on the 360 that was much better. The graphics were smoother and the story was better. No one I know has ever played it though so..
Aussieman's friend: What game was that?
Aussieman: Saint's Row.

O-o. So yeah GTAIV. I had a bit of a throw down with it the other day. It's good but as you are pissing around you know that this game is huge and you start to feel a bit scared and overwhelmed. The side missions, cheevos, hidden packages? and silly easter eggs. But as Aussieman shows maybe GTAIV isn't such a big thing for the casual gamer. Oh well time will tell but at least someone may notice when Saints Row 2 comes out.…

Machinima...

...isn't all pointless shit. Some of it is cool pointless shit. Yeah so Wow was so a year ago and even Portal is starting to get old. Just you wait. GTA IV is gonna land and you won't ever have to hear that cake song again!

WoW Videos

Congrats to BaronSoosdon.

Oh and also, if you've got time to waste Halolz is GOLD at the moment.

Dear Gamers on the internet #727

Image
Boo hoo hoo. Boo hoo hoo. Waaaaaah waaah a boo hoo hooo. That's all we ever hear from you. Boo hoo hoo Blizzard hates my class. Waaaah waaah waaah Capcom won't respond to my letters. Boody hoo hoo "they" ruined Star Wars Galaxies. Yes it's pathetic but fortunately it's mostly from the PC gamers. Until now...

Since the release of Mario Kart Wii a number of sources have complained about the return of the blue shell. Even EDGE which usually flounces above such gamer whining, whines about it (Mario Kart Wii 6/10). Well you know what? The MBAs at That guy' s a maniac, the Second Greatest Video Game Blog of all time, have voted it the most bestest amazing pick up of all time. Read that last sentence again. Not just videogame pick ups. ALL pick ups. Be it pick up lines, picking up a prostitute or a pick up truck, the blue shell beats them all hands down. Here's what the Master blog artists had to say:

"It is our generations great leveller. Our grandpare…

An open letter to Team 17

Dear Team 17

Please just stop it. Please. You are embarassing yourself and the former glory of the Worms franchise. How many iterations are there now? 15? 16? Don't get us wrong the first one was great. We spent hours playing it and the recent revamped versions have been okay but please innovate or move on. Are you happy with the consistent "6-7/10 more of the same" reviews. Shake the series up a bit. I haven't purchased a worms game since the PlayStation release because every single one of the new ones feels so similar that I'm content to dust off the PS2 to play the original should I want to. Hogs of War was amazing why don't you do something like that but better? Oh and Worms 3D doesn't count at all. Why wasn't the last DS one online? Why don't you do clever things with the stats and camera angles and playbacks? International tournaments or something? How many people do you employ to do the same game over and over again. Wikipedia tells me 75. 7…

We got a letter

So what? We get lots of letters. But this one was written properly and all thought out and stuff so it would be rude not to reply no? Plus it was from a girl.

Catherine Martin writes to thatguys:

Do games have a moral obligation to be politically sensitive? In recent months we have seen a handful of games clumsily attempt a politically savvy narative and blunder into every stereotypical pitfall they could. Now, however, games are about to breach an almost untouched setting: Africa.
Both Far Cry 2 and Resident Evil 5 have chosen this setting as an environment in which to destroy countless hordes of digital natives. More importantly, however, their plots are likely to involve the distribution and flow of medicines in the area. Here I am making a slightly educated guess about the plot of Resident Evil 5, but the evil drug company Umbrella and its infamous T-virus are bound to crop up somewhere. These are controversial and current issues surrounding the African nations as warlords illegally …

Remember the Irish

Image
So Google is telling me it is St. Patrick's day either today, yesterday, tomorrow or this week sometime. St. Patrick's day is a day when the English get excited because for the lower classes it's an excuse to get special on Guinness and vomit on a car because we're not allowed to celebrate St.George's day because any kind of patriotism is racist these days. So in honour we're going to remember some of our favourite Irish gamers:

1) Keith "no saves" Blarney
Ne'er before or since Keith "no saves" has the world experienced a gamer so committed to busting games without saving. One time we were interviewing Keith at PAX and he ate a GBA in rage because someone was auto- saving in the booth next to him. Alas, Keith passed away in 2005 after four days straight of playing GTA San Andreas. He leaves behind a widow, two children and an unused PlayStation Memory Card we imagine he received from a well intending Grandma one Christmas.

2) Kieran &quo…

We should aspire to a life of shoes and/or willies

Image
This opinion piece [via kotaku] by a Kay Hymowitz claims that men these days are getting stuck in some kind of adolescent kidulthood and whilst all women are going off travelling, shopping and having dinner with friends, us lads (to be fair the author only mentions single American men) are sitting around, drinking, playing on the Xbox 360 and generally having too much fun! Why are we mentioning some obscure piece of opinion from Dallas news of all places? Because it brings gamers into potential disrepute and as gamers we have to shout longest and loudest to show that we aren't the immature dregs of society that the rest of the world likes to stereotype. In addition it also attacks men so there's ample opportunity for all us men to pretend to be offended and call "sexism!" even though we don't really care.

So, to the article. In the first instance, Kay Hymowitz hints that 1965 men at our age would have achieved a lot more by the age of 26. Stable job, married, ki…

Incontinent Gay Nonces

Image
Yes, those perverts at IGN, spurred on by creative juices and out of the box thinking are doing another Top 100. Let's hope they are doing the list by the rules. Let's check:

1) Don't ever mention Zelda or Metroid. FAILED. Number 78 is Link's Awakening. I suspect the top 30 will be littered with metroids and zeldas. Come on IGN sort it out.

2)When everyone least suspects it pull out a really shitty retro game to fuck off all the youg'ns. PASS! Number 70 is Tecmo Bowl for the GB and NES. Yes, that's right it is better than Wipeout, Goldeneye, Quake 2 and the original Resident Evil.

3) Ignore all PC games except the crappy Molyneux games that no one really played or enjoyed anyway. FAIL. They've gone for some other shit like Syndicate, Mech Warrior 2 and planetscape:Torment. Selling out.

4) Cram in as many "Great but underrated" games as possible. PASS. Hello! ICO.

5) Put at least one of the Final Fantasies, other than VII above VII in the list.PASS. Fin…

Still Homophobes

Image
You may remember last week I was disgusted with the way that Kotaku just can't handle comments from a woman and my account was banned. It appears that my appeal to the masses was heard and my account has been sort of reinstated [see above] but I still can't comment I can only clip articles and follow friends.

This is the suxxor because:

1) Following friends on Kotaku is like swapping spit in an HIV clinique. Just because you've got it doesn't mean you should only hang out with others who do. In fact you should do the opposite.
2) Clipping articles is not something that I would ever do. The only thing I want to do is to tell the Brian who lives in Japan to shut up about his boring life and give us more games news. I hate it when site administrators rise above their stations. Would you like it if the monkey stopped mid dance and started to give us a comment on how it is to be a monkey forced to dance to a grind box day in day out? No! Dance you fucking dance monkey.

In othe…

Homophobes

Image
Although we all try our best to be inclusive, some gaming websites just can't handle the gays or women. Imagine my disgust at seeing this this morning:

For those of you who can't read or don't want to click the above image, essentially I was banned from Kotaku before I'd even had a chance to shine. For those of you who don't know it, Kotaku is a website on the internet that has lots of news about games, it's what Joystiq is trying to be . It was going to be the platform from which we launched BRAND TGAM!But it's ok, I won't cry too hard because as fate would have it I already voted for one of the co-editors, Brian Ashcraft as Games Writer Twat of 2007 in the RAM RAIDER Awards 2007. How do you like that Brian? Imagine the dissapointment on the spunk filled rubber faces of your "family" when they hear you won that award from the only decent, respectable, industry recognised games award ceremony. Unfortunately, I think I reffered to him as Brian …

Resident Evil: Wnakery

Image
There comes a time in every blogs life, when all the rantings, drivel, and fantasies actually pay off!

You remember “Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within”, do you remember the feeling you felt when it was first coming out, when you though it was going to be everything “Final Fantasy: Advent Children” was?

Well it’s that time again except it not Squeenix its… CAPCOM, and instead of Final fantasy it’s

RESIDENT FUCKING EVIL

Now I know that Resident evil has not had the best track record at the cinema, with that pissy trilogy, of defiled characters, and tainted plotlines. But this time Sony (You better not pull a PS3 on this one, you fucks) and Capcom are copulating in the hope of conceiving a CG Movie. Of Resident evil proportions

Catch all the news here.



What we want to see in Biohazard: Degeneration or we will actually start to MDK people starting with whoever is the nearest. This is the definitive list any slight variation and it's curtains for everyone.

1) Jill, Chris, Claire, Rebecca, Leo…

All the cool kids are doing it......#2

Image
Do you remember the post called All the cool kids are doing it.....? I don't. Anyway this is the second post with this title which, makes it another feature I guess. We have lots of features here at TGAM. It's why we are the second greatest videogame blog of all time scientifically proved don't cha know.

Anyway lots of the third rate games magazines (Official Nintendo Magazine, Official Playstation magazine etc.) have been including these little crazy look-alike features which they use to fill up column inches because they can't write enough good copy. So there will be a picture of some guy from Eastenders next to a photo of some guy from a game and they will label them with the names the wrong way round. HA hahahahahaha. Everyone laughs. Except! SPONTANEOUS PUBLIC SERVICE MESSAGE When people read games magazines they don't want to be reminded of the real world and their real life. There should be nothing but games from cover to cover. Adverts for other games, revie…

SEGA IS AWESOME!

Image
Yes it is. What prompted this post? Nothing, no really nothing.....*

And if someone just happened to ask me what sega games I am looking forward to, I would have to say Sonic Rush Adventure. Why would someone ask me that? No reason. No really, nothing...*

Also, it might be time for another picture review. Which, is never a bad thing**.





*In jokes. Ignore plz. Seriously. You won't get it unless you know. Maybe you think you know but you probably don't.

**But I am really looking forward to Sonic Rush Adventure. I might be a gamer again despite what I said
here